A/N: Mentions/acts of depression and suicide are present. You have been warned!

"A blueberry hurt you?" Sam laughed at Ellie as the girl had dropped one of her face by accident. Prompting her to whine out an Ow, before chuckling.

Ellie almost felt like she forgot the troubles of the world, and the fireflies in general, as she ate Blueberry after blueberry. Well, that was, until she looked over to find that Y/N hadn't joined them.

Frowning, she looked over to find Joel and Henry discussing to themselves, and then to the window to see a lone figure his legs curled up to his chest as he looked outside as rain began to pour, and the sun began to set as darkness was approaching, slowly, but surely.

Making her mind up, she turned to Sam and grabbed some more blueberries. "Hey, I'm gonna go check on, grumster, over there." She chuckled to herself, causing Sam to do the same and turn back to his own stockpile of food.

Though she could've sworn she saw lingering disappointment in his eyes.

Shrugging it off, she picked herself up off the couch of the room and made her way over to Y/N, and noticed a frown donning his features. And a leather book clasped in his hand, and a pencil in the other.

"You know." Ellie startled him as she dropped her bag to the floor besides his. "If you keep frowning like that, you'll be stuck with it."

Y/N immediately shut his book, and turned to her. His eyes narrowed, but then they calmed and relaxed. The boy nodded and turned back to the window, to watch the rain fall.

She wanted to ask about the book, but felt that wasn't a great conversation opener, so she started with what she had in her hand.

"You want some blueberries?" She asked, showing up the small poach that contained them, weighing them suggestively in his face
as he looked them over.

"...Sure."

Y/N grudgingly agreed, and Ellie beamed as she passed him some blueberries from the pouch. He ate away at them, and Ellie found herself smiling as the boy looked back over at her, and then to the pouch, before looking back up at her with a raised eyebrow.

The two began indulging into more of them, the silence between them comfortable, for once. She remembered how uptight he had been at the start when he had... saved her, though she doubted she'd never live that down.

"Thanks." Y/N gave her a nod, and Ellie smiled in return, taking the pouch back before looking back at him.

Only to notice his gaze had returned to the outside, staring out the bridge. Their exit out of this death-trap of a city, and their break away.

They were both thinking the same thing.

Y/N would be gone, and back to doing whatever he did before he found them, but, that begged the question.

"What will you do when you're gone." Ellie asked him, despite the churning that burned away at her stomach that fought to keep him. She knew he was set in his ways, he was
quite stubborn, like herself.

The boy in question lowered his head to stare at windowsill in deep thought, before then answering in a low voice.

"What I always do."

Dodging the question, that much she knew Y/N was doing.

"Like...?"

Y/N sighed, and shook his head. "Moving, mostly. Just moving, running, anything I can do."

"And you're in such a big hurry to leave?" Ellie noticed as she curled her legs up against her chest as she pulled herself closer. "Sounds lonely." She began to stare at her hands as a distraction before looking up to him, waiting for an answer.

"It can be... Sometimes."

Ellie nodded to herself, she couldn't imagine herself on her own, without Joel, and without Y/N.

"Usually when a person doesn't stop moving, it's because they're running from something, are you?"

She watched as he gulped in hard, and turned away from her for a second, and tightened his hand at his side. Sighing, he turned back to face her, and answered in kind.

"Running from my past." Y/N said, and Ellie immediately felt the air turn dark, a sullen mood of tension could be felt. "It's better to run than confront what lies ahead."

"I don't know about that..." Ellie murmured to herself. "It'll eat you up."

"Maybe." Y/N said, not denying it at all. "But that's my choice, isn't it?" She nodded, and felt the need to turn away, feeling she hadn't the right to pressure him like that.

"What about you?"

Ellie startled, and faced Y/N again. She wasn't expecting him to ask.

"What do you mean?"

"What are you running from?" Y/N asked her as he turned around to fully face. For the first time, his eyes filled with curiosity.

"A lot of things." Ellie said, and she couldn't help but gaze away from his piercing eyes and look around the room. Joel had settled for a nap, and Henry and Sam weren't in sight. She imagined they were in the office. "LIfe. The world. Myself." It sounded more like she was questioning herself the way she said it. "I don't know really."

'Yes you do.' Said a little voice in her head. 'You just don't wanna say it.'

"There's more to it than that." It wasn't a question. It was more like a statement. She wasn't surprised, Y/N kept a clean eye on everything, eyeballing Joel, Henry and Sam all the same. "You're hiding it. You can't keep it quiet forever."

He didn't know what it was, Ellie had been careful.

Joel words rung in her head. To not tell anyone about her condition. But could she
tell him, be truthful with him? Trust is earned, and Y/N hadn't revealed much about himself either, he was hiding something too, and each of them were curious to find out.

"Maybe." Ellie shrugged. "But that's my choice, isn't it?"

She knew she startled him as he flinched away slightly, it was barely noticeable, but she saw it all the same.

Y/N backed away, and turned to the window, a book pressed against his thigh.

Feeling the need to brighten the mood up, Ellie pressed her hand underneath her chin and nodded to his book.

"So what's in there? A journal?"

"No." Y/N huffed back. "Nothing."

"Doesn't look like nothing." Ellie replied as she moved closer to him, almost so that their shoulders were touching. "Come on. What's in it?"

"I don't—"

"Hey, if it's your own personal porn stash, I'm not gonna judge."

"What? N-no. No! It's... not that." It was both funny, and strange, to see him fluster under her gaze. Even though he could probably kill a grown man with his bare hands, the fact they were still technically kids, was hard to forget.

"Well, what is it? Y/N, I won't judge, I swear." Ellie held up her pinky finger. "Eh? Pinkie swear."

".....I'm not doing a pinky swear." Y/N didn't look amused, yet Ellie was grinning widely. "Okay, fine I'll show you. But... don't laugh."

She could feel the pure tension, and it was bizarre. She could tell it was a lot for him to do this, a trust between them, and she knew Y/N didn't trust easily.

She expected a diary, or a journal. Some crappy little thing to place the day's event in.

But no, as Y/N opened up the leather bound book, she came face to face with freaking godforsaken drawings.

"Whoah!" Ellie gasped as she saw the first image of a city, skyscraper and buildings merched close together in great detail.

Another featuring a rural farmhouse, and many more.

While this happened, she hadn't the time to notice the soft and nervous look on Y/N's face as he watched her, her smiling and awe in her voice was like music to his ears.

"What's this one?" Ellie asked as she flipped through them like an eager child. She had pointed towards Lady Liberty.

That had been a hard one.

"The Lady Liberty statue. In New York." Y/N explained in a low voice as he still couldn't understand how she could be... excited?

Happy, impressed? With his drawings, his art.

"You've been to a lot of places, then?"

There was a slight ping of jealousy in her voice in that moment, for a second, Y/N felt pure sympathy, but it didn't last long. Y/N actually was jealous of her, she had someone like Joel, she probably had friends somewhere.

Y/N didn't.

He had nothing.

"Yeah, I've been all over. Well, as far the East Coast takes us anyway."

Ellie simply nodded before turning another page, she caught the slight glimpse of a person, a drawing of a woman, and on the other page another person, this one unfinished, but was suddenly shut close by Y/N's hand.

She looked up at him, and saw the look on him that had been smiling, was now dark and tense, but he gave her nod still.

"Thanks for checking them over." Y/N said calmly, "I- I appreciate it."

Maybe it was the lack of sleep, or the blueberries were spiked. But she swore
she saw a blush tinting his cheeks as he
pulled the book closer to his chest, and
the stammer only intensified it.

"It's cool. Like I said, they're amazing."

For a moment, he only stared at her, and she stared back. It wasn't uncomfortable, but there was definitely tension, well that was until he broke the ice.

"...Thanks, Ellie." And before she had even a chance to marvel at the use of her name, he was gone. His bag and book with him as he rushed out of the room.

Leaving only herself, as she muttered softly to the open air around her.

"...You're welcome, Y/N."

--

He had run off.

Like a little kid, a child.

And he hated it, more than ever. But, still, he couldn't help it, between the awe in her voice, or glittering in her alluring green eyes that shined with such admiration.

Y/N liked it, secretly, after being alone for so long. He had missed having someone around to appreciate his work, and him as a person. But simply put, it scared him, and that's why he was now sitting down on a stack of shoe boxes, alone in a storage closet as he thought about how much of an idiot he was.

The way she had looked at him like he was some sort of wonder, something to be awed at. It made him uncomfortable, but in a good way.

He hadn't felt like that in a long, long time.

And it made him feel so disturbed. Something as simple and normal as that had made him dizzy and conflicting.

So much that on instinct, he scratched at his left wrist. It exposed as he pulled his shirt back. The need having come back after so long, that still pained him more than any scar.

Looking down, he saw the unmistakable red scarring that started from the length of his wrist, and ended at the nerve of his hand just below the palm.

He reached down, and traced the scar with a lone finger. Almost stuck staring at it, until he made contact and pulled away in a sharp movement.

Y/N huffed out a breath, and sighed, before turning towards the closed door of the closet.

"You're gonna be okay, kid."

He breathed in more this time, trying his best to remain calm as he eyes turned back to the scar, and then back to the door.

"Hey! Stay awake. Fuck!"

It felt the air around him was suffocating him to death, as if someone had shut out the air, and sucked him out of his life as memories from the book began to wavering into his head.

"I need help over here! It's a fucking kid! I don't give a shit where he came from, just get the medbay on standby."

Hands began to clutch at his neck as he felt himself almost pass out, the air between him becoming unbearable. His heartbeat erratic as it pounded in his ears. Before he saw a flash of light and something shook him to his core as events began to play out in his mind, as he remembered his most pitiful day.

He had cried, he had run, and he had felt like death reborn.

His hair a mess, cheeks stained with blood, his eyes bloodshot, and body half starving from days of malishing, unable to find anything, or anyone.

Only a knife between his life and death.

In the back of his mind, it had been on autopilot, no sleep, nothing to recharge with.

Y/N had been in a hell of a state.

Running and running away from whatever peeked it's head out to look at him, dread and fear gripping him like a tight vise in a broken machine that wanted to squeeze the life out of him.

That's what he felt like, mere days before had been exactly hell on Earth, and now he would soon follow. As death was slowly working him to the bone as exhaustion brought way to stress, and stress brought him to panic, and with panic, came loss of life.

A loss of senses, and all will.

He had no will that night, as the rain poured down on him, drenching him full. And the thunder boomed in the distant. He couldn't go on, he didn't want to die, but he didn't want to live.

But he wanted the choice.

He wanted control, his moment. He didn't want someone to take it away from him. The knife he had since forever clutched in his hand tightly, shaking and trembling as his mind shouted at him over the whirling lightning that threatened to overcome him.

'Do it. Do it.'

It repeated over in his head like a ticking clock, back and forth.

'Do it. Do it now. What's the harm?'

Y/N hadn't been thinking straight, days of nothing but fear and induced paranoia would do that to an adult, nevermind an eleven year old, a kid.

The loss of the days before, as his home was butchered, and his family one in the worst way possible. It was like all he had to do was one slice, one flick of his wrist and it would all end.

The torment, the death, the fear, it would all be gone, and he would be safe.

Safety.

He wanted it more than anything, and as he eyed the knife in his hand, obliviously to the dark world around him, the barren streets, he felt that he could do it. He was alone, no one to tell him no, or yes, but his mind, and himself.

And they were all screaming 'Yes!'

For a second, he almost pulled away, a small voice in his head muttered no, but he still continued, the cold steel approaching him slowly as if enticing him, edging him on.

And, as the knife reached his wrist, his only thought that mattered to him was the one that made the most to him.

'It's all over.'

He had expected it, as the knife cut across his wrist, the blood, all of it as the pain overcame and he collapsed to the street beneath him. He hadn't screamed, he hadn't cried or sobbed.

All he had felt in that moment was a shine completeness, and for a reason unknown to him, he felt that it was wrong, a voice in his head shouted to him that it was wrong.

But all he could think about was that he wouldn't be alone anymore, he wouldn't starve, he would finally be safe and be with his family.

With no one left, it had felt like a good idea, that all the pain would end. But all he felt was pain as the blood seethed onto the street next to him, the knife had been dropped in the moment as it had breached the skin, and nerve.

His eyes had begun to flutter close, as he felt unconsciousness growl at him, and his vision blur as spots began to form in his sight. It was coming, the end, all of it, and when the feeling of his hurt, and damaged soul began to shut down.

He heard something.

A voice, over the thunder as the rain got more intense. A woman called out to him, at least that's what it sounded like to him.

'An angel.' He had thought that the end was near.

But he had been wrong, as a figure came into his clouded vision.

A woman, her style was strange, and goofy like. That was all he could focus on as he dripped in and out of focus as he felt something cold and damp clasp against
his wrist as any words he could say
were lost to him.

"You're gonna be okay, kid."

It was someone old, middle aged, and for a second he really had thought it was an angel, how sweet yet rough it had sounded to his ears.

Y/N's eyes flickered shut, and for a second he thought he was a goner, as the woman spoke to him as he was the most precious person in the world.

Even his own mother hadn't sounded so... so sincere.

"Stay awake kid." The woman stressed, the wound around his wrist wrapped up from what he could feel. "Fuck!"

Before he lost consciousness completely, he heard the crackle of a walkie-talkie and muffled curses of the woman, his saviour,
his angel of life.

"I need help over here! It's a fucking kid. I don't give a shit where he came from, just get the medbay on standby."

And then, he lost all functions, his life flashed before him, and collapsed into an endless, nightmarish sleep.

One he hadn't known he'd wake from.

The boy gasped, breaking out of his faze of memory as he let go of himself. His hands had been putting pressure on his neck, cutting off his oxygen.

Scrambling back, he hit his back against the wall as he stared deeply at his hands. A numb sensation gripped him as pushed them down to his side, and breathed in shakely.

Nothing but an emotionless void pushing him closer to the edge, to remind him why he kept on moving.

Shaking his head from any prior thoughts, he reached for his book. He opened it up, and flipped through the pages, memories after memories as he finally reached the ones in mind.

A woman, Rachel, beautiful, caring, sweet. She had saved him. Breathed life back into his when he thought there was nothing but death.

Flipping the page forward, his eyes gazed upon another drawing. A man and a woman. For a second, his hand trailed against their faces, and he couldn't help but silently scoff at how different they looked from the real thing.

All of these, each a tragic story.

And that, was why he couldn't stay.

As much as he had grown to care for them.

He wouldn't let them become another tragic memory in that book of his.

In the end, he thought it was best to run from his problems. That's what he thought as he opened up the closet door and exited, and closed it behind him. The only thing he could think, as he searched for a place to lay down, and sleep away the darkness that surrounded him everyday.

Yet, sooner than later, he would find out that it wasn't the best way to move forward.

Running away wasn't going to fix him.

But, silently, he questioned if he even wanted to be fixed, or, if he was even broken in the first place.

He sure felt like it.

Damaged and broken, the only thing he was.

Yet, how someone could look at him like he was the most interesting thing in the world,
he would never, ever know.

A/N: If anybody is ever feeling down. You can always come to me in DMs and just talk. Whatever on your mind, I'll always listen to you guys. Take care of yourselves in these troubling times.

But to the chapter. Hmm, so two flashbacks in the last two chapters. So who do you think Rachel is to Y/N? where is she? What happened to Y/N for him to think Suicide was the answer to his problems?

What do you think happens? I'd love to hear your theories!

Also if you're confused, this flashback happened before the last one. With Y/N talking with her in the school/nursery room.

But don't worry, we'll learn more about her next time! And, why Y/N was driven to end it all.