James, you are not sad or afraid. You are in control. You are leaving this life, returning to the current place and time.

"James," Cosima Blue's voice hit me loudly. "I will now count from one to ten. As I count, you will begin to feel more aware and alert and in control. One... Feel the surfaces that safely support you and allow them to ground you... Two. Focus on your breathing. Three. Begin to reacquaint yourself with your body, wiggling your fingers and toes..."

Cosima counted me back up, even though a cold dagger of panic made it hard to catch a full breath.

By the time she said, "Ten," I had climbed up out of the cloud of smoke and could breathe, even if my heart tripped along painfully.

"Breathe, James. I pulled you out as soon as I noticed you were starting to panic. Can you tell me what you experienced?"

I blinked my eyes open and tried to focus on her. Focus on being in the present. "Uh, it was bad," I said.

She raised her drawn-on eyebrows slightly. "Can you be more specific?"

"I was... like, a neanderthal woman. No, not neanderthal. A cave woman? I don't know. It was a really long time ago." Cosima nodded me along. "And my love—" I choked off on that word. "Uh, he was basically my husband, but that word didn't exist. And he died of some plague that made him bleed out of his mouth. And then the people in the village took his body and threw it into a hut with all the other dead bodies, and they thought I had something to do with the plague, and they threw me in there with him, and they burned the hut. And that was how I died."

"Take a breath, James. Remember, those events happened in the past, and they are not happening right now, okay? No one is going to kill you. Your boyfriend is still very much alive. Yes?"

"Yes." I was breathing easier that that point. I nodded and looked at her. "So what does this mean?"

"Well, generally past life regressions are less... traumatic than all that. Which makes it all clearer that your past lives have left you with a deep-seated fear of disease. You fear what disease will take from you, to the point where you have now forgotten the love that came before it."

Cosima said more, but I had stopped listening. In the life I had just visited, I had a vague impression that there had been a disease that ravaged the village where I had grown up, that caused my family to move away. The men thought I had caused both diseases. They were backward and superstitious, but what if they were right? I could have been a neanderthal Typhoid Mary.

I could be a modern-day Typhoid Mary.

The news kept warning about people being asymptomatic. Cedric thought that meant COVID wasn't something young people like us needed to worry about, but asymptomatic could also mean a carrier, moving through the world and killing off everyone in a six-foot radius.

My breath caught, thinking about hugging Cedric the other night.

"I'd love to do more sessions with you, James. This is a very unique situation, with your youth and your clear memories of the past. What do you think?"

I snapped out of my panic and closed my gaping mouth. "Uh, I need to think about it."

"Of course, of course. Please, feel free to reach out to me if you remember anything more. I'm going to email you a list of books and websites I think would be helpful to you."

Suddenly I wanted nothing more than to end this call. "Great, thanks." She tried to say something more, but I cut her off. "I have to go. Thanks so much! This was really helpful."

She nodded, resigned. "Of course. I only wish I could ease your mind about the future."

After I ended the meeting, I dropped my head back against my pillows again and stared up at my mercifully blank ceiling. Cosima was right; she hadn't helped ease my fears about the future, not at all. I wanted to go back in time and take back that hug with Cedric. I could have contracted COVID at school and passed it along to him, and then...

I picked up my phone and turned off airplane mode. Before all my missed messages and notifications began lighting up the screen, I Facetimed Cedric.

He answered immediately. His green hair was pushed back with a headband, and he had black stuff smeared all over his face. "Why haven't you been answering your phone?" he demanded.

"Are you feeling okay? You haven't had any symptoms in the past couple of days, have you?"

He made a face. "Are you serious?"

"Yes!"

"I'm fine, James. I'm more concerned about you."

I took a deep breath and exhaled. "Okay. That's good. Except..."

"Except what? What is going on?"

"I just thought..." I tried to pull my thoughts together. I had assumed that if Cedric got COVID, he would have symptoms. If he was going to die, like he died in all our past lives, he would have to have symptoms. The asymptomatic people weren't the ones dying. "Sorry, I just had this fear that when you came over the other night, I could have given you corona."

Cedric's face remained scrunched for a second, then he started laughing. "Oh my god, babe. You're not going to give me corona, the one time you've left your house. Seriously. I'm more likely to give it to you."

I smiled weakly, trying to play off my worry. "Yeah, you're probably right."

"Look, I'm not saying that this isn't a scary thing but... try not to freak out, okay? Now, more important question, why haven't you answered any of my texts in the last hour? I got roped into doing a facemask with Maggie." Cedric tilted the phone so I could see his sister eating ice cream on the couch, with the same black goop on her face. She waved her spoon at me.

"Sorry," I said.

"He secretly likes it," Maggie called.

Rolling his eyes, Cedric leaned away from her. "You didn't answer my question."

I didn't want to tell him about Cosima Blue. It sounded stupid, but I also didn't want to lie to him. "Uh, I was doing a thing..."

"Is this a thing I want to hear about in private?" Cedric asked with a sly smile.

"No, it's not... like that. Uh, Eli's aunt recommended this psychic who does past life readings," I began.

Cedric's eyes went huge. "You went out? To see a psychic?"

"No, she did it on Zoom."

Cedric blinked before emitting a breathy laugh. "Seriously? That sounds legit." His lips twisted. "I hope you didn't pay for that."

I ignored that last statement. "I thought it might help. She did this thing called a past life regression and I had another memory—"

"Wow, you are serious. James, when I said you should see someone, I meant like a doctor or a therapist or something. Not a psychic."

My throat closed up. He hadn't wanted to hear about my – our – past lives in a long time. I didn't know why I thought he'd want to hear about them now, except that he also didn't want me to lie to him. I couldn't remember when he'd said I needed to see someone. Did that happen, and did I just forget? Maybe it had been after New Year's. That was the last time I'd had a flashback around him.

"Like, did you ever think your nosebleeds could mean you have a brain tumor, and that's why you're getting these weird memories?"

I hadn't thought about that. Through a wet blur I tried to look into his eyes, only he was on a phone screen and not in front of me. I didn't know how to explain what I had been trying to do. I hadn't ever considered that he had the same fears I had, only in reverse.

"Cedric, that's awful," Maggie's voice piped in. "Don't tell your boyfriend you think he has brain cancer! Jesus."

Cedric turned around. "Mind your own business!"

"Then don't be a judgmental jackass. He told you he went to psychic, that's all. It's not like he told you he cheated on you. Other people have different beliefs. Maybe try listening to him?"

The image on my phone screen rocked with Cedric's movements. "I never said he couldn't have other beliefs!"

"You laughed at him. Same thing."

Cedric growled. Without looking at me straight, he stood up. "I can never get any privacy around here," he muttered as the phone swung wildly. A door shut, and when the camera stilled, the shower curtain covered in seashells appeared behind Cedric's head. "Seriously, you're lucky it's just you and your mom. There is no place I can go in this fucking house to be alone."

He sighed and finally looked at me. As I waited for him to say something, my body trembled and it was all I could do not to start bawling. He needed the privacy to break up with me. That was how this would end. Not with a deadly disease, but him dumping me.

"I guess... I owe you an apology," Cedric said.

I brought my hand to my face, partly to stop the crying, partly to wipe my vision clear.

"It's hard to imagine, you know, all the stuff you told me. At first it just seemed quirky, like some weird thing you believed that didn't really affect us, you know?" Cedric picked at the black stuff on his face, began to peel it away. "I mean, obviously, I don't believe in that stuff. But there are a lot of people who do. And you should be able to believe in it without me calling you crazy. So... I'm sorry."

He rubbed his eye, and not just because of the face mask.

It took me a while to be able to clear away the gunk in my throat from crying so I could speak. "I don't want to remember this stuff," I managed. "I wish it was a brain tumor. But there's evidence. Like, I didn't just imagine Theodore and Henrietta, or Chris and Brent. They really existed."

"And that's mind-blowing, honestly. I don't know why I can't wrap my head around it. It... just doesn't seem possible." His eyes seem to look into my soul through the phone's screen. "You said you had another memory. Will you... tell me about it? Would you trust me enough to tell me?"

I made a pathetic attempt at a smile. "Of course I trust you." Having our relationship restored and not destroyed sent a heavy sense of relief through my body, a wave of exhaustion threatening to drag me under. Or maybe it was an aftershock from the vision. I wiped my nose with my sleeve to make sure it wasn't bleeding. "Just... It was a lot to process. But I'll tell you. I will. Just later. Is that okay?"

"Yes." Cedric's shoulders relaxed too. "I should probably take this crap off my face. That way when you tell me I'll have super clear skin."

"I love you even if you don't have clear skin," I told him.

"Maybe we can do face masks together while you tell me. It can be a past life party. You can tell me all the stuff I didn't want to hear."

He looked so hopeful I almost started crying again. "There's... a lot of stuff."

"That's okay," he said. "I'm going to kiss you now. On the phone screen. Let's do that."

Laughing, I brought my lips to the screen. If only it had really been his lips instead of the cool glass. When I pulled away, I saw that one of us had accidentally touched the end call button with our mouth, and the call was ended. I texted Cedric immediately.

I can't wait until I can kiss you again in person

Me too

---

Last update of 2020 - that's right, the next update will be on the first day of 2021!  I'm busy working on a new story (finishing off my Nanowrimo WIP) so that's probably what I'll be doing this New Year's Eve.  I hope everyone has a safe and happy New Year's!