Chapter 39 Home is Where the Heart is?

Tommy

As we pull into the driveway we see Master Matthias and Remy standing up near the front door talking. When they see us they start walking across the grass in our direction.

"Funny, Remy just happens to visit his cousin at the same time we're due to arrive," Lane says with a chuckle.

Ashton pulls into the spot next to my car and Lane immediately hops out of the van and goes running at Master Matthias, who has a big grin on his face totally unlike how the rest of us are used to seeing him. As Lane closes in, Master Matthias braces himself and Lane leaps up on to him, wrapping his legs around the large man's waist and immediately they are kissing like they haven't seen each other in a year. Neither of them says anything to anyone, Matthias just turns around and carries Lane back to the house and they disappear inside.

"I don't think I'll be stepping back in there for a while," Remy says as I climb out of the van.

"Hello Sir," I say.

One by one we all get out. Chris is last and he closes the door while Ashton walks around back to open the hatch so we can get our bags. Remy walks closer with a confused look on his face and opens the door, looking inside the empty van.

"Aren't you missing someone?" he asks.

We all look at each other and then Chris snaps his fingers. "Shit, has anyone seen Payton?"

"Last I saw him was when we stopped for gas in Georgia," Ashton deadpans.

"Oh my god, did we leave him at the rest stop?" Tai says more loudly.

I literally have to put my hand on my mouth to keep from laughing. I look at Remy and he looks both worried and mad.

"Are you serious," he growls, pulling out his phone.

I can't hold it in any longer and burst out laughing.

"I'm sorry Sir, no, Payton's fine. He had to fly back to Connecticut yesterday afternoon. His Great Aunt passed away so he had to fly home for the funeral."

Remy looks relieved and glares at Chris before stalking over to his car. Before he gets in he turns back. "Thank you Tommy, please send him my condolences."

"I will Sir," I reply, following him to his car while the others unload luggage. Then for some reason my mouth keeps going, "He's flying back Thursday. I told him I'd pick him up from the airport, but...I forgot, I have a class at the same time his plane lands...but it's okay, he can take a bus..."

"Text me his flight information," Remy says, his voice softening, "I'll pick him up." Before I can ask him for his number, he gets into his car and drives away.

"Jesus Christmas," Tai says, letting out a long breath.

"That man has it bad," Chris adds, "Our little Payton should milk this for all it's worth."

"Payton's not like that," I say, annoyed.

"I know, but still, he shouldn't make it easy for him."

"I think he really cares about Pay, it's sweet, don't you think Ashton?"

"Huh?"

I look over and Ashton is texting on his phone, probably letting Master Gideon know he's back in Chicago. "Well, everybody in," I sigh, "Let's get everyone home and then I guess I need to go see what Casey thinks of my new do."

"Don't worry Tommy," Tai says throwing an arm over my shoulders, "he's gonna love it."

I nod half-heartedly.

----------

Two hours later, Chris and Tai are dropped off - after we stopped at the sub shop by Chris' loft because Ashton was hungry - and we're pulling into the parking lot near the dorms. I give Ashton a hug, first making him huff and roll his eyes and then making him growl when I make it an extra long one. I chuckle as we part ways; he heads off to his dorm which is a short walk to the right and I turn left and head up the walkway to the dorm where Payton and I share a room.

I get a lot of different looks when I enter the building. A few people look at me like they have no clue who I am, some just look stunned and a few from my floor come over and ask me about our trip after they get over their shock and tell me my haircut looks good.

I look at my phone to check the time and realize Casey's going to be here in half an hour to pick me up. When I texted him earlier to let him know we made it back okay, we made a plan to meet after I dropped everyone off. I say goodbye to the guys I was talking to and race to the room and grab stuff for a shower. At least I don't need to spend a lot of time drying my hair! Keep finding the bright side Tommy.

I'm actually showered, dressed, and after towel drying my hair I've styled it with some of Payton's gel and my fingers, when I hear a knock at my door.

Casey.

Oh shit.

My heart rate spikes and I'm so nervous I'm almost shaking.

He knocks again.

"Tommy?" A familiar deep voice sounds.

Oh my god oh my god.

I take a deep breath and a shaky step toward the door.

"Hi Casey," I say as I open the door.

Casey's got his hair up in a man bun, probably because it's an extra warm day today. I look up at him and he's staring at me with a surprised, but unreadable look.

I start to get nervous because he hasn't said anything and I look down with a frown. He hates it.

"Baby...you look..."

"I'm sorry Casey...Sir..."

"Amazing!"

"What?"

"Wow...I mean, I love your hair long, that's one of the first things I noticed about you, but...damn. You are a sexy thang."

"Really? You don't mind it?"

"I love it!" He steps into the door and large arms wrap around me, pinning my own arms so I'm engulfed in his embrace. "What made you cut your hair?" he asks, rocking me.

"Um...I don't know really, it was just spur of the moment...it was pretty hot down there..."

"Did you cry when they cut it?" he asks softly, stepping back and touching my hair. "Just because I know how much you loved your hair."

"Uh uh," I mumble, and feel myself slowly start to fall apart. Tears start streaming down my face.

"Baby....baby, what's wrong. I said I love it, you look so handsome."

"You're, not...mad?" I ask, hiccupping in between words.

"Nooooo, no no, not at all. You don't need my permission to cut your hair, we're not like that. Is that why you're crying? Were you worried?"

Strong arms wrap back around me and he pets my hair as he spreads kisses over my head. Tension that's been building for days starts to crack as I lean into him, letting him take my weight.

"Awwww, baby. Don't cry. It's okay. I'll never get mad at you for a choice you make for your own body....well, I mean, if you started smoking or did something that could hurt you, I might have something to say about it, but, not this. Just relax," he soothes as his hand moves down my back, kneading my tense muscles.

He continues to hold and comfort me for several minutes. Once I'm calm his lips move to mine and he kisses me, gentle at first, but then more passionate. Relief, happiness, love....and then lust flow through me.

"Let's get you to my place baby, where I can show you how much I missed you and you can show me the rest of this gorgeous tan you got." He slides a hand down the back of my pants, "Any tan lines here?" he chuckles.

I grab a small bag and throw my phone, wallet and other stuff in it, including a few things I brought back for Casey which I'll give him when we get to his place. I have lots of clothes there so I don't need any of that, but then I remember all my dirty laundry. It's easier to use his washer and dryer than going to the basement of the dorm with a bunch of quarters to use the communal machines.

"Is it okay...if I...bring some laundry?"

"Of course baby, let me grab your bag," he says going to the foot of my bed and grabbing my laundry bag. "Come on, I want you to tell me all about your trip in the car. I've got a special welcome home dinner for you tonight..."

Casey rambles on as we close the door and I follow him out of the dorm. He tells me about the dinner he has planned and the blueberry tart he made from fresh blueberries for dessert. Yeah, not too many people know that this big, muscly, tough looking guy loves to cook and makes the best pastries too.

I smile ear to ear listening and watching his animated face as he tells me how he made the tart and the special ice cream he bought at the creamery to have with it.

"Casey?" I say when we're outside, stopping him with my arm.

"Yeah baby?"

"I love you. I...I love you so much. So, so much."

He pauses, looking at my eyes and then smiles. "I love you too baby, I love you so, so much too."

Ashton

I press my hand against my ribcage that's still a bit sore from my random ass tattoo. Staring at the building before me, I momentarily wonder how Gideon will take the news. It's not like it's anything bad or...well it is kind of stupid. I'm twenty years old though so it's not like it was illegal. Though I'm sure he would have wanted to know beforehand about it. Shit. I run my hands through my still damp hair before climbing out of my car. Part of me wanted to come straight here, but after a 20 some hour drive, I really needed a shower. I shove my hands into my pockets and walk towards the automatic doors of the hospital. They slide open and I walk straight to the elevators before pressing the button for the pediatric floor that holds Gideon's office.

"Hello Ashton, looking for Dr. Callaway?" Darwin asks as soon as I step off the elevator.

"Um, yeah. Is he busy?" I question while scanning the area.

Darwin shakes his head, "Perfect timing you have, Dr. Callaway finished his rounds about five minutes ago and went to his office to relax for an hour. I'm sure you can help him with that."

"Shut up," I grumble at his suggestive smirk. "Thanks though."

"You're very welcome!" He sings teasingly as I head towards Gideon's office.

After turning a few corners and walking down some hallways, I come to a stop in front of his dark wooden office door. Butterflies fill my stomach at the thought of Gideon being behind this door. I'm more excited to see him after a long week than I am nervous about his reaction to my drunken tattoo. I lift my hand to knock and feel my stomach turn. A bad feeling washes over me and I take a step back. Swallowing the sudden lump in my throat, I lower my hand to take another step back just as the office door opens. My eyes widen at the sight before me.

"Ashton," Gideon gasps in surprise as I stare back at him.

"Gideon," I whisper before lunging forward and hugging him tightly.

"Hey, are you okay?" He asks worriedly while rubbing my back so I nod slowly.

"I just missed you," I tell him as we pull back and he smiles. "Are you okay? You look tired."

"I've been working since noon yesterday so I'm a bit tired," he chuckles before motioning me into his office. "I was just going to get some tasteless coffee. Why don't you wait here."

"I'll go with you," I tell him while grabbing hold of his hand.

"Alright." He nods before closing his office door behind us.

As we walk down the hall towards the elevators, we talk about Spring Break and I hesitate to tell Gideon about my tattoo. I'll tell him when we get back to the office in case he freaks out. When we get down to the cafeteria, Gideon orders two coffees and two blueberry muffins. My eyes drift over to him, a worried frown pulling at my lips. He looks tired, but he looks sad as well. Like there is something weighing on him. I bite my lip, worried he lost a patient while I was away. Since we've been together he's lost one patient to some type of mold poisoning and he looked a bit like he does now, but not as bad as he does now.

"Ready to get back?" He asks with a tired smile and I nod slowly.

"Mhm," I hum so he nods his head and I follow him.

I count my steps to keep my mind from racing as we walk back to the elevator. Seventy two steps to the elevator. Step off the elevator. Another forty three steps to Gideon's office. He unlocks the door and motions me inside first. Seven steps to the couch in his office. I sit down and sip the tasteless coffee as Gideon closes the door and walks over. He sits next to me and we silently drink the coffee and eat the blueberry muffins. My eyes follow him as he stands up, tossing the empty cup of coffee in the trash on his way to his desk.

"Are you okay?" I ask him worriedly as he sits at his desk.

"I'm fine," he sighs before shaking his head. "I've just been thinking about something."

"Which is..." I trail off while walking over and sitting on the visitor's chair.

"I had an amazing time with you these last three months, Ashton," he says making me swallow nervously as I wring my hands on my lap.

"What are you trying to say Sir?" I ask curiously so he clears his throat.

"I'm not going to sign you on for another three month contract," he states as I blink in confusion before it fully hits me and even though I want to scream in anger, hide in embarrassment and maybe possibly cry in sadness, I just raise a brow.

"Oh, why not?" I question blankly, praying the pain in my voice isn't noticeable to him.

"Ashton, we're both extremely busy. I have my work and you have school, your friends, your youth, and your work. With so much going on in both our lives, I feel as if I can't be completely devoted to you like you deserve because I'm always working or getting called away for an emergency. I can't put work aside, those kids need me," he says making me frown as I look at my lap.

I need you too.

I want to scream it at him, but I don't. I did everything he wanted, I was a good boy. I checked in frequently like he told me to. I didn't hit on or get with anyone else because he didn't want me to. I was a good boy. He told me so. Gideon said I was the best Submissive a Dom could have wished for. He's a cruel person. He made me fall for him in such a short amount of time, three months. All those times he would smile at me, all those times he held me after we've made love...no I guess it was just fucking to him. It was to me too, until he made me fall in love with him. It all changed after that, I started to see things differently. How could he do that? Make me fall in love with him just for him to leave me behind.

"I understand," is all that comes out my mouth before I stand. "I guess I should go."

"Ashton, please don't think you did something wrong. You were great, but I just-" he says while standing up as well and I give him a half-hearted smile.

"It's okay, I'm used to not being enough. I'm used to hearing that the person I'm with isn't devoted to me. It's a part of life right? We're never given more than we can handle. I'll be fine." I shrug before turning around and heading for the door, but as I open it Gideon's hand slams it shut again. I don't say anything as I feel his chest press against my back.

"I'm devoted to you Ashton, nobody else has had my complete devotion but you. It's just th-" He whispers and I close my eyes as tears slip down my cheeks.

"No, you're not," I whisper while shaking my head before he can say anything else. "Goodbye Sir."

"Goodbye Ashton." He sighs as he steps back and I quickly slip out of his office before walking out of the hospital while pressing my phone to my ear.

"Hello?" He answers curiously.

"Hey, can I come over?" I ask hopefully and he's silent for a few seconds.

"Yeah, you know you're always welcome here," he says making me nod as I climb into my car.

"Okay thanks. I'll be there as soon as possible," I tell him before hanging up and I stare out the windshield before gripping the steering wheel and screaming.

Why am I never enough?

Payton

"Why do you look so miserable little brother?"

I glare up at him.

He sits down next to me with a sigh. "Rachel just doesn't want you to be uncomfortable tomorrow."

"Kade, your girlfriend..."

"Fiancé."

"Whatever, your fiancé who I barely even know, asked me to not bring up the whole 'gay thing' tomorrow when her family comes...and they didn't even know Great Aunt Adele, so why are they even coming?"

"Payton, you know I have no problem with you being gay, I have to admit I don't understand, I mean...why would you want to....nevermind. But whatever, it's your choice, if you want to..."

"It's not my choice it's how I was born."

"Yeah, whatever, anyway, I have no problem with that, but Rachel's family is kind of conservative and they're coming to meet the family because it's a good chance while everyone's together to announce our engagement, they're coming to the wake tomorrow to show their respect and then we'll all have a big dinner tomorrow night at Blackstone's Steakhouse - you like that place, that's one of the reasons we chose it."

Yeah right. You brought me there once for dinner and I said I liked it to be polite.

"And they'll be our guests," he continues. "We don't want to make them uncomfortable."

Ahh, the truth comes out, he wasn't worried about me being uncomfortable.

"Kade it's not like I walk around introducing myself to strangers like, 'Hi, I'm Payton, I'm Kade's faggot little brother', what does she think, I'm going to proposition her brother or hump her father's leg? I'm just a normal person, all gay people are, people shouldn't judge people on their sexuality. And what is the 'gay thing' anyway?"

"Payton, don't be a dick."

"I'm not. I just thought I was coming home to a small family funeral and it's turning into this big social event, barely any of the people here even knew her and why do we have to sit through 3 hours tonight and 3 hours tomorrow of a wake she didn't even want. I heard Mom and Dad fighting about it, Aunt Adele had preplanned some tiny simple service and Dad totally went against her wishes. I'm sick of making small talk with people I don't know who I'll never even see again, do you know how many times I've talked about the weather today? I hate making small talk! Who are these people anyway?"

"Some are from the Dad's golf club and some are clients and colleagues. It wouldn't hurt you to make a few contacts Payton, do some networking, it's a good way to get an internship over the summer and after you graduate you've got 'ins' when you're looking for a job."

"Oh, I didn't know any of these people were physical therapists? They all look like stock brokers," I huff.

"Payton, there's no money in PT."

"Kade the median annual wage for a Physical Therapist in the U.S. last year was 84K, that's way more than an accountant. Google it!"

"You get your BA in accounting and then go for your MBA, go into the financial industry and you'll be making triple that in a few years and then the sky's the limit."

"I'm not you Kade. Look at me, I've had this suit on for 2 hours and I'm already itching and I feel like my skin can't breathe. I'd hate working in an office full time and dealing with people like...dad." And you. "Besides, doing what you love is more important than money."

"You say that now little brother."

You condescending...

"I'm just looking out for your best interests. It won't kill you to let me introduce you to some people from the Club, just don't sit back here in a corner, introduce yourself around, you're always so quiet."

Yeah, I'll introduce you to some of the people at my Club, they'll shut up your pompous face real quick.

I stand up. "I'm going outside for a few minutes, I need to check in with Tommy."

Kade chuckles. "How's Tommy? He cut his hair yet?" he asks snidely. I'm not about to tell him he did and give him the satisfaction.

"Tommy's great. He has a steady boyfriend now, they're really happy. His boyfriend owns a big chain of gyms, he's really successful, oh, and did I mention his degree was in Kinesiology and PT? I think he probably makes more money than you and Dad combined." I don't know if it's true, but I leave it hanging there as I walk outside and around the back of the funeral home.

I find a bench under a tree out of the view of the Funeral Home so I sit down after taking off my stupid blazer. I look around and make sure no one can see me and quickly unbutton my shirt and check on my piercings. I've been spraying them with the saline solution every few hours and they seem to be doing fine. A little sore the first 2 days but they're getting better. I turn the little hoops a little bit and wince. Okay, don't do that unless I spray the stuff first. I quickly button my shirt back up and pull my phone out of my pocket.

It's almost 8:00 and Chicago is an hour behind so I know that Tommy's done with classes for the day, but hopefully I won't be interrupting anything he might be doing with Casey. I text him first just to be sure, but I'd really like to hear his voice.

Payton: Hey Tommo, are you busy or can I call you?

My phone rings a minute later.

"Hey Pay! Everything okay?"

"Yeah, well, you know. It is what it is."

"Where are you?"

"We're at the funeral home for Aunt Adele's wake. I'm just taking a breather outside."

"How's your family?"

"Meh."

Tommy chuckles, he knows my family so he can read between the lines, which I'm grateful for. "Just a couple more days."

"I know, I can't wait to get back. So what's happening?"

"The usual. I'll have all the notes ready for you from today's classes. There's a test next week, but I'll get you all up to speed over the weekend."

"Casey still okay with your haircut?"

"Yeah, he's been great. He's acting like he really likes it and I don't think he'd be faking it."

"No, Casey's not a fake person, I'm sure he really does."

"He's been so sweet."

"How about you, do you like it?"

"I do, it feels so different, but I like it. I think it was a good change. What about your piercings? No problems, no infections?"

"Nope, no issues. I don't know...I like them. I feel...like they're this sexy little secret. It's stupid, they make me feel hot, even confident...that makes no sense."

"No, I understand. They are sexy. You're sexy. The Doms are going to drool when they see them. Friday night we should go to the club and you can wear just that black harness with your black leather shorts."

I laugh. "I don't know, we'll see. It depends how much work I have to catch up on. Hey, I've texted Ashton like 5 times and he hasn't replied, is he okay?"

"I haven't seen him since I dropped him off when we got back. I went by his dorm this afternoon and he didn't answer his door, but his car was there. One of the guys on his floor said they saw him yesterday morning, so maybe he's just been busy with Gideon. I think he might be a little freaked out by what happened. We all kind of went overboard and I try not to think of what could have happened while we were all so drunk. It was stupid when you think about it. I don't want to drink like that anymore."

"Mhm. I hear you. We acted like a bunch of college freshman, which we are...but we've done the whole Spring Break craziness now, so we can check that off our list."

"Yup, so while you're down there are y'all gonna call any of the gang who are still in Greenwich?"

"Nah. I'm kind of stuck doing family stuff and most of them were your friends anyway. There's some stupid family dinner with Rachel's family tomorrow."

"Kade's girlfriend?"

"Fiancé!"

"They got engaged? I thought she was kind of a bitch?"

"She is, they're perfect for each other," I say with a laugh.

"Now now Pay," Tommy laughs.

"You don't think Ashton is mad at me do you?" I ask, suddenly worried.

"Why would he be mad at you?"

"I don't know...but he didn't reply and...I don't know. Maybe he thinks it's my fault he got the tattoo?"

"It wasn't your fault. He's probably just really busy and you know when he's busy he just turns off his phone or leaves it in his backpack."

"Not since he signed with Master Gideon," I say.

"Well I don't think he's mad at you. Don't worry about it, I'll track him down eventually and check on him. If I talk to Tai or Chris later I'll see if they've talked to him."

"Okay. Text me as soon as you hear. So, you're still okay to pick me up on Thursday? Did you get my email with the flight information?"

"I did," he says, pausing. "Don't worry, I'd never let you have to take a bus back to campus."

"Cool. I'll text you when I land."

"Okay, but if I'm driving...or my phone battery's dead, just sit on one of those benches outside where we waited last time."

"Okay. That will be our back-up plan if I can't reach you."

"Exactly."

"Okay Tommy, I'll let you go. Say hi to Casey."

"I will. Love you Pay."

"Love you too Tommo."

I hang up and sit back against the bench. Maybe I can sit here until the wake is over.

"I see you've found a quiet place to sit, mind if I join you?"

I look up and a silver haired lady is standing next to the bench.

"No, feel free," I say politely.

"Did you know Adele?" she asks.

"She was my great Aunt," I reply.

"Oh, of course, I should have recognized the red hair. You must be..." she pauses as if trying to remember which one I am.

"Payton," I supply.

"Yes! I'm Sylvia, I volunteered at Maplewood and I spent a lot of time with your Aunt. She and I became great friends. She may not have had any of her own children, but she spoke very fondly of you and your brother, especially you. She told me all about your sailing and going off to Chicago for University."

"Really," I reply, "I...I didn't know her all that well, my parents didn't take us to see her much." It sounded like a hollow excuse.

"Yes, well, don't blame yourself for that. But she kept up with you through your father's cousin. She told me she was very proud of you."

"Why?"

"Because you stood up for who you are and she admired that. She felt like she wasn't able to and ended up living a very lonely and unhappy life."

"Because she didn't get married?" I ask.

"Because she never felt she could love or marry who she wanted to."

"Are you trying to tell me..."

"That your Great Aunt Adele was a lesbian? Yes."

"I never knew that."

"Not many did, it wasn't something greatly accepted when she was a girl, things have come a long way, but she felt her time had passed, so she was just grateful that you had the courage not to hide like she did."

"We're not there yet, but at least a lot of progress has been made," I say.

"Yes, and being able to love who you want to love is worth fighting for."

"Mhm," I hum in agreement.

"Do you have someone special?" Sylvia asks.

"Not really."

"Not really? Is there someone you'd like to be that special person?"

"I don't know. Dating always has its complications, whether it's with girls or guys."

"That's true," she agrees. "But just like fighting for your rights, sometimes you have to fight for the person who makes you happy. It's not always easy, but it's worth it."

"I guess."

"You don't sound so convinced," Sylvia says with a laugh.

"I don't know, I guess I...I just don't want to get hurt. It's happened before and I'd rather just avoid that now." I wasn't quite sure why I'm able to talk to Sylvia so easily.

"Well that is always a risk, but without risk there's no great reward. Someone may have hurt you in the past, but it doesn't mean it will happen the next time. Tell me, is there someone who makes your heart flutter and your palms sweat?"

"Yeah, but...it didn't work out that well the first time we tried."

"You don't believe in second chances?" she asks.

"It's not that..."

"Does he not reciprocate the feelings?"

"Um...I don't know...he...he, um, might."

"Then I think you should learn from your Great Aunt's mistakes and fight for him, at least give him a second chance."

I shrug my shoulders. I don't know what to say. I'm surprised I've said this much to a perfect stranger, but something about Sylvia...she felt like an old friend more than a perfect stranger.