Chapter 28 | The Attic

Isabella:

"Mija what are you doing home?" My mom asks, her eyebrows drawn together in concern as I walk into the kitchen and slump down on one of the stools after Lucas had dropped me off.

The rest of the ride home had been silent, I had spent the rest of the drive chewing on my bottom lip and as silly as it sounds, trying to push away the regret of eating 20 (or 19 I guess) frickin' nuggets the day of the party. My mind hadn't had time to dwell on it over the weekend as we had been planning Grace's huge gesture of love but now that my brain had no thoughts to occupy it, my overthinking was at its peak. I was weighed down with a heavy feeling and it annoyed me because I had genuinely thought I had moved past severely overthinking and being anxious over 'bad/unhealthy' food, but I guess not.

"I fainted at school, so they sent me home," I sigh which causes my mom to almost spit out the coffee she was in the midst of sipping.

My mom's frown deepens in worry. "What do you mean fainted? When was the last time you ate mija? Oh God I knew I should've  double checked if you ate breakfast this morning-"

I cut my mum off from continuing her flurry of questions, my eyes widening as I realise what my mom took my fainting as. "NO mama it's not that, long story short Mia hit me with the ball and my nose started bleeding like crazy and I'm also on day two of my period so y'know the excessive loss of blood made me faint."

My mom narrows her eyes at me, not looking quite convinced so I grabbed an apple from the fruit bowl sitting on the counter and take a big bite out of it for show. "Shee shlook aim eafing."

She finally lets out a breath of relief. "Alright mija, well I made pasta for lunch if you're hungry, it's in the pan over there," she waves her hand in the direction of the cooker before glancing back down at her laptop.

I look over at the pan on the cooker, my stomach churning. Told you I was still reprimanding myself for eating those nug-okay you know what that's it.

Brain, you're going to eat a bowl of pasta and you're going to enjoy it. No ifs, ands or buts.

With this new profound determination, I stalk over to the cooker and pull out a bowl from inside the cupboard. I guess my determination is coming off a tad to strong because all the other bowls in the cupboard almost come tumbling down at the aggression I had pulled my bowl out with. I try and stop them all from falling and once the glass clinking has stopped I briskly shut the cupboard door closed.

"How's your job search going?" I ask my mother as I scoop up a helping of the spicy chicken pasta my mom had made. God damn did that look good.

Since we had been back, my mom had been working in the office Linh works at, but her job is only part time so she has been on the search for a permanent job since.

We have been living off my grandmothers savings and the money my dad sends every month since landing in the US, so my mother is in dire search for her own source of income. I don't even think it's the fact we are using my grandmothers money but the fact we were mooching off of my dad which seems to annoy my mom.

I don't exactly know what had happened between my parents after that whole situation on Sofia's birthday. I had tried asking my mother one time but she had briskly cut me off saying there was nothing going on between them and that the 'kiss' had been a mistake.

However, from what I can tell, my parents have stopped hating each other to the extent they had been prior that kiss but they still aren't exactly any where near on the terms of getting back together - which is completely fine by me.

Realistically I know that is is very unlikely that they they will actually get back together and I'm ok with that, I just want them to be able stand in a room together and not want to gauge each other's eyes out, I couldn't care less if they were best friends or not.

"Er it's going well, I have an interview tomorrow." My mom gazes up from her screen to shoot me a little smile.

"Ooh good luck," I respond before shoving a forkful of pasta into my mouth. Yum. "Want me to pick out an outfit for you?"

She nods her head and shoots me another grateful smile. "Yes please, but I think you'll have to go up into the attic because most of my suitcases with my clothes are stored up there."

"Ma!" I exclaim. "We've been back what? Almost 3, 4 months and you still haven't unpacked?"

My mother looks at me sheepishly. "I've been busy."

I snort before sticking another forkful of pasta into my mouth. We continue talking for a while until I finish eating and after I wash my bowl, I make my way onto the top floor where the attic is situated.

I'm huffing and puffing by the time I reach the top floor - climbing up 4 flights of stairs is not fun.

The only source of light as I walk into the dusty, old, dingy, unused room is from the lone small circular window placed on the other side of the wall, that casts the room in an eerie glow. I search blindly for the light switch with my hand and come across a couple of spider webs in the process causing me to shudder.

I wince as the light floods the room once I've found the switch. The attic is fairly empty minus the boxes of my grandads old belongings and the suitcases my mom had stored in her clothes in, which I promptly walk over to.

Well, which I attempt walking over to, as I end up tripping half way there, over a box I hadn't noticed blocking my path.

"Bella you alright?" My mother's faint voice can be heard after I tumble to the ground and I scream back yes in response, palming my shin which I had hurt.

Curse you box. I glare down where the cardboard box is tipped over and go to kick it out of the way after I stand back up, but I guess the power of my kick is too intense as the contents inside scatter across the floor, allowing dust to fly into the air. I cough and quickly bring my tshirt over my nose, whilst wafting the air with my other hand before bending down and picking up what seems to be books to put back in the box.

My hand stops however, over the lilac cover as realisation dawns on me on what these books exactly are.

I let out a surpised gasp before dropping back to the ground, briskly sitting cross legged on the floor and begin pulling out the number of purple coloured books from under the box.

My mom's clothes can wait.

***

"Mija guess who won bingo!" My grandmother says proudly, walking into the attic a few hours later with a carton of  apple juce in her hand which she swiftly throws to me.

"Mhm who?" I say mindlessly, still looking through the books. The juice box, smack onto the ground beside me.

"Me-wait what you reading?"

I briskly snap the book closed. "Nothing!"

She snatches it out of my hand and I yelp in surprise. "Oh its just your diaries," she says disssmisvely before chucking the book back in my lap. "I read them all remember!"

I narrow my eyes. "Yes I do."

She quickly walks away before I can begin to chastise her and I bring my focus back to the book clutched in my hand.

Saturday March 15th 2012

Dear Diary. Hi it's me again. Bella. Or Belly as what Lucas would call me. Today was ok. Lucas came to my house again and we played in my treehouse. He kept looking at me wirdly wen we were playin a game and when I asked him why he was staring he turned red like a tomato as said because I had a booger in my noise. But I think that was a lie cause when I looked in the mirror, there was no booger. Anyways, he stayed for the whooole day today. abulea and me and lucas made cookies and luke shared the last cookie with me but he gave me the big peece and we watched zak and kodee on the tv. after that we played on the wii and i won in mario kart! that made lucas sad and he said i had a fat head! but then he said sorry after I cried and gave me a hug. After that his mom came to pick him up and as my mom was talking to his mum he was looking wirdly at me AGAIN so I stuck my tongue out at him and he stuck his tongue back before poking me in the belly. His mom saw and told him off and i giggled as lucas turned red as a tomato again. anyways tomorrow in school we are going on a trip to the museum which I am excited for! Okay bye!

Tuesday January 21st 2013.

Hello, it's Bella. Today I found out why Lucas call me Belly. It is because I am fat. Yesterday I went to the doctors and they did all kind of funny check ups on me and I had to check how much I weighed and the doctor lady told my mom and dad that I was overweight but i didn't know what that was so I asked dad and he said don't worry and then i asked if we could get millies on the way home but my mum said no and that we can't have millies a lot anymore which made me sad. But today I asked janice who sits next to me what overweight meant and she said it means people that are chubby like me. And then Lucas called me and asked to use my sharpner but accidentally called me belly in front of janice and then after he took my sharpner and went back to his seat janice laughed and said that was a funny nickname and I asked why and she said because belly sounds like my name bella nd because I am chubby so it suits me.

Wednesday 6th May 2013

Dear Diary. Today in PE we were playing soccer. I didn't like my team. Lucas and Mia were on my team which was ok but so was Darius who is a really rude boy in our class. He is friends with Dylan, Aidan and Lucas but I don't know why because he is rude. Anyways, someone passed the ball at me but I wasn't paying attention so missed it. We lost the game and everyone was mad at me. Even Lucas. They all started calling me fatty for being slow and not getting the ball, especially Darius who started it and I cried in the changing room. Mia shouted at everyone and Grace gave me hugs saying they're all just mean people. I'm not talking to Lucas all week.

Thursday 14th May 2013

Dear Diary. Hello it's Bella. Because I have been giving Lucas the silent treatment all week he got mad at me. He has been hanging out with Bianca who is very pretty but very rude. She is taller than me with long brown hair and is skinnier and she is mean. She is having a birthday party on the weekend and she invited everyone except me. Mia and Grace got invitations too but I didn't. Mia and Grace dragged me to where Bianca, Lucas and Bianca's bff Molly were hanging out in the playground near the swings and asked Bianca if she could invite me to the party too. Bianca said no and said she doesn't want any fatties at the party because she doesn't want all the cake to be gone and Lucas laughed. Grace kicked Bianca in the leg and got in trouble by the teacher after Bianca cried. Mia and Grace said they don't want to go to the party anyways because it will be boring and said they will sleepover at my house.

Saturday 15th June 2013

Dear Diary. today is the first day of summer! Me and the girls have made a list of things to do in the summer. We are camping out in the garden today and Lucas came around in the morning and we showed him our plans. He asked if he can join in our camping but we said no because we only want a girls night and a bffs night. Lucas got mad that we said he can't come but after we felt bad so we said he could come but then his mom said no so he was upset again so I gave him Mr Bellucas.

Thursday 15th september 2013

Dear Diary. Hi it's Bella. Today my mom was taking me lucas and mia and grace to millie. Mia called shotgun so sat at the front so I was stuck in the middle seat in the back. Lucas kept poking my side with his elbow and complaining that I was squishing him. I didn't think it was anything bad but then Grace shouted at Lucas saying don't be rude and Lucas got made and shouted that it's not his fault I took all the space. Then I realised it is bad. When we went to millies I was too sad to eat so I didnt finish my milkshake and let my mom finish it. Lucas tried to share some of his waffle with me but i said no then he looked sad. Then he said sorry for shouting in the car and I said its ok because he gave me one of those cute smiles with his dimples.

Friday 12th June 2014

Hello, its me, Bella. Tomorrow I am leaving for England and we had a goodbye party today. Lucas didnt speak to me all day and didnt speak to anyone else either, not dylan, aidan or mia and grace and I was sad because today is the last time I will see him in a long time. Last week he promised that he will come to london to viist me and call me every night which I am excited for because I am going to miss him soooooooooo much. Anyways we are doing last minuete packing and I have to put my diary away in the box so I have to go. Next time I write I will be allll the way in London! Peace out, love Bella.

I turn the page to see that it's blank and I quickly come to the realisation that the rest of the pages are too. That was the last entry.

I guess after we got to London my diaries must've gotten missplaced somehwere so I never continued writing.

I shut the book closed and place it on the stack of the other purple diaries that I had just finished reading and sit there for a while, processing what exactly it was that I just read.

A weird feeling swirls around in the pit of my stomach - it's sadness mixed with pity.

It's weird how even these mere little remarks held such a huge impact on how I thought and still think about myself all these years later, yet I'm 99% sure that these people - especially Lucas probably don't even remotely remember saying any of these mean things.

Even despite most of the entries being pretty cute and reflecting the happy times of my childhood like hanging out with the gang or fun family day outs, it's the handful of sad ones that I read that are sticking out like a sore thumb.

There were several more entries where I had mentioned the small yet hurtful remarks Lucas and others had made my way, whether they were playful or not. Some that I had forgotten about and some that still swirl around in my mind today.

I had also completely forgotten that it wasn't just Lucas who made fun of my appearance but I guess his jabs had been the only ones I truly seemed to care about as his were the ones that I specifically remembered.

My phone vibrates in the back pocket of my jeans, snapping me out of my daze and I swiftly pull it out. I check the time once I've replied to the text message I had just received and see that I've been up here for nearly four hours. My eyes widen and I briskly stand up, from off the ground - I still need to pick out my moms outfit.

Pins and needles prick up and down my leg and I wait for the odd feeling to pass before putting the books back in the box and pushing it into the corner of the attic.

I'll come back for the diaries later.

━

AUTHORS NOTE:

Hey guys! Sorry I haven't updated in a while, school has been crazy but I'm finally off for the half term holidays so I'll (hopefully) be updating regularly yay!!

Anyways thank you for baring with me, lots of love - Mai x