A/n the song i put will make things seem more ~intense~ so you should listen whilst reading  :p

Chapter 51 | In the span of 10 minuets

Isabella:

I feel nauseous.

Surely I couldn't have heard that right.

I can't have. There is no way he had liked me back when we were kids.

If he did I would have known. I would have known.

And then all of this wouldn't have happened for no reason.

Jesus. My self hatred? My low self esteem? My horrible body image issues? My fucking eating disorder? Was it all for no reason?

"You what?" I ask in disbelief, needing clarification.

He raises an eyebrow. "Yeah I had a big crush on you when we were younger, I'm surprised you didn't know already." He narrows his eyes. "It was pretty obvious."

My hands begin to shake.

"You had a pretty fucking obvious way of showing it then didn't you."

A feeling of unease swirls around in the pit of my stomach as the nausea only increases and I shake my head.

"Who else knew that you liked me?" I swallow. I don't why I was asking that. It wasn't important right now.

"Only Dylan and Aidan, but I told them after you left for London."

Aidan.

Aidan had tried to tell me on the day of the barbecue.

My entire body begins to tremble. I need to get out of here. I need air.

Rushing past Lucas, I storm out of his room, my mind reeling with thoughts as my breathing hitches.

I can hear the patter of Lucas' footsteps across the hardwood floor as he follows after me but I ignore his calls and run down the stairs.

"Where are you going?" He yells, urgency lacing his voice.

I ignore him, my breathing continuing to become increasingly ragged as the house slowly begins to spin.

I lean against the wall of the hallway once I'm off the stairs, trying to get the room to stop spinning, trying to get my breathing in check.

"Bell are you okay?" Lucas asks, his face etched with concern.

"Get away from me!" I snap, shoving him away. "Does it look like I'm fucking okay?"

His eyebrows draw together and he presses his lips into a thin line as he hovers above me.

It was all for no reason.

It was all for no reason.

Everything that happened. It was all because of some miscommunication? Because of some fucking assumption that got blown out of proportion?

Three years of my life that I will never get back, my entire childhood feeling like I was never good enough, the dark, dark place that I had been stuck in, scratch that, am still stuck in...was all for no reason.

I look back up at Lucas, seeing the worry drawn on his features sends me over the edge.

"Fuck you," I spit, shoving his chest and throwing the fucking diary at his head. He doesn't budge. Of course he doesn't budge. The guy is made of fucking steel and on top of that he catches the notebook mid air before it gets anywhere near his head. Fucking quarterback.

Lucas' worried expression wilts into one of shock, confusion and then frustration.

I storm past him for the second time, throwing open the front and rushing outside. I'm not even wearing shoes and the biting cold immediately envelopes me as I step out into the snow but I don't care. I just need to get away from his house. Away from him.

"Are you fucking crazy you're going to make yourself sick!"

How rich. Now he's worried about me getting sick.

I've made it halfway down the driveway when Lucas grasps my wrist, halting me.

"Let go!" I yank my arm away from him.

"You seriously can't be this mad," he shakes his head, looking at me in disbelief. "Look I'm sorry okay, for reading your diary but you're making this into a big deal. So what if I you had a little crush on me when you were younger? Get over yourself Bella, it's not a big deal, I liked you too but we were kids, you clearly don't like me now so what's your problem?"

"Fuck you," I say through gritted teeth. "You have no clue why I'm mad. No. Fucking. Clue. No bloody idea what you did to me, or what you made me feel."

He throws his hands up in the air. "Why don't you fucking enlighten me then?"

At my silence he continues, shaking his head.

"I knew you wouldn't, why do I even bother? You get mad at me, then stay mad at me and then don't even fucking tell me what I did to make you mad!"

"That's the problem though, you don't fucking know what you did, how much hurt you put me through!"

"Hurt? What hurt?" He repeats, before his eyes widen realisation and he let out a groan.

"You're seriously this pressed over what I said to you when we were kids? I'm sorry I was rude alright but I was a kid, I didn't know any better!"

The lump in my throat is making it increasingly hard to swallow. Or breathe for that matter.

I shake my head slowly, my chest constricting as I gaze up into Lucas' eyes. There are a flurry of emotions swimming in his eyes, anger being the most prominent.

"I hate you," I say it so quietly that I don't even know if he heard, but the defeated look on his face tells me otherwise.

"Bell you don't mean that-"

I cut him off. "Yes I do. I hate you. Just please, stay away from me."

He calls after me as I turn around and run back to my house but he doesn't make any move to stop me from getting away.

I'm shaking as I step inside; because of the cold or because of what just happened I'm not entirely sure but there is a heaviness weighing down my entire body.

I lean against the front door after it closes, pressing my forehead against the cool wood, tears prickling the corner of my eyes.

+

Lucas:

I stay rooted outside in the snow several minuets after Isabella escapes inside her own house. I keep my eyes trained on the door like I'm waiting for her to come back out and tell me that she didn't mean what she said and that she doesn't hate me even though I know there is no chance that is going to happen. Her face; the anger, hurt and betrayal flaring in her eyes very clearly told me that she meant every single word.

It hadn't sounded like an 'in the moment' thing. She wasn't saying that she hated me because of what went down 5 minuets ago or because she simply was angry at me for stealing and reading her diary, it sounded like she had been meaning to say those words for a long time, like she had hated me for a long time.

Dragging a hand through my hair, I finally force myself to turn around and head back inside before I catch pneumonia.

Mia, Aidan, Grace and Dylan's gazes all land on me the moment I walk into the living room.

"What happened? Where's Isabella? You guys were upstairs for so long," Aidan asks, his eyebrows furrowed.

I ignore him; my mind is too busy racing, replaying the series of events that had just taken place in the last 10 minuets.

"Wait were you outside? Why is there snow on your hair?" Mia adds, taking in my appearance. "And on your clothes too?"

"Luke?" Grace stares at me. "What happened? Where's Bella?"

Hearing her name again after what just happened is like a kick to my stomach.

"Isabella's gone," I mumble, sitting down on the couch and running my hands through my hair. I rub my eyes and drag my palm down my face. "She's gone."

Both Mia and Grace look at each other confusedly.

"Where has she gone?"

"Home."

There is silence for a while and then: "Oh God Lucas what did you do?"

"Why does everyone think I did something?" I snap, raising my head to look at the four of them.

Dylan gives me a look. "Lucas," he repeats slowly. "What did you do?"

Shutting my eyes, I place my head in my hands. "I fucked up," I grumble, gripping the front of my hair. "But that's not just why she's mad, there's something else but she won't fucking tell me."

"We've got to go," Mia announces, alarm apparent in her voice as her and Grace spring up from their seats.

I hear them grab their things and rush out the living room followed by a flurry of questions from Aidan and Dylan.

"Did you guys know?" I ask, looking back up at Dylan and Aidan once the sound of the front door slamming shut echoes through the house.

They both look at me confusedly so I elaborate. "Did you know she had a crush on me when we were little?"

Dylan shakes his head but Aidan doesn't react. He has a hesitant expression on his face.

"You knew?"

He nods his head slowly. "Yeah she told me when I told her I liked Grace back when we were like 7."

"And you never told me?"

"She was already in London by the time you admitted you liked her and I promised her I wouldn't say anything."

I nod slowly. The pounding in my head only increasing and my chest feeling like someone is pressing down on my heart really hard.

"What happened just now? Where is all of this coming from?" Aidan questions.

I shut my eyes, recalling how this all started. "I messed up real bad."

I tell them all about the diary I had stolen and what I had read and how I had tried bringing up what was written today but how she had found the diary in my room before I could and that we had argued outside - but I don't go into detail about that.

The guys don't say anything after I finish; they just stare at me silently, trying to assess the situation. Well Aidan is anyways. Dylan just stares at me dumbly - he's still drunk. Surprisingly I'm not.

Arguing with Bella had been like a bucket of ice water had been thrown over my head - it had sobered me up completely.

After a few more beats of agonising silence, I break it. The quiet was only making the thoughts in my head echo louder.

"I had no idea she hates being called Belly."

Dylan snorts. "I would too that's a horrible nickname."

Aidan glares at him and Dylan instantly shuts up, pursing his lips. "Sorry," he mumbles under his breath. "I'm still tipsy."

"What else did she say?" Aidan adds more gently, getting up from where he's sprawled across the floor. I feel the seat beside me on the couch dip as he sits down. He places a hand on my shoulder. "Outside I mean. What did Isabella say when you were arguing?"

I let out a groan. "That she hates me."

"She doesn't mean that," Dylan says, his eyebrows drawn together.

"Yes she does, you should've seen her face when she told me. She fucking hates me." I shrug off Aidan's hand and Dylan raises his palms up in defence. "She told me to fucking stay away from her too."

"Maybe you should give her space, if she's asking for it."

I press my lips together. "I don't think she wants space. She wants me out of her life permanently."

"No she doesn't, don't say that," Aidan responds, a crevice in between his eyebrows as he draws them together again.

"Since she's been back she's made it clear she doesn't like me at all, I just didn't think she was serious about it and today I've found out that there are other reasons why that I don't know of but she wants out. She never wants to see me again."

I run a hand down my face again, my heart constricting more. Every part of me feels like I'm burning. Burning with regret, with hurt and most of all with confusion.

"I'm sure she'll come around, she did before didn't she?" Dylan adds, his eyes still bloodshot.

"This time is different." My voice comes out quiet. "I know it is."

Aidan gives me a sympathetic look. "Still give it some time, you never know, give her the space she needs then try and fix all the shit you caused when she's calm down a bit."

I nod my head, taking in Aidan's advice just as Dylan nags his finger.

"And stop calling her Belly and don't go through her things anymore."

"I will Dylan," I sigh. "I will."

━

AUTHORS NOTE:

Gosh I adore all of you that are reading this book you guys are so funny and nice omg you guys are all like my bffs ugh I love you.