A/n TW for this chapter <3

Chapter 57 | The Diner

Isabella:

"Bella are you okay? You look so shaken up."

"Huh?" I snap out of my daze and turn to see Mia and Grace gazing down at me with concerned faces. "Oh yeah," I say dismissively. "Yeah, I'm fine."

They both continue to look apprehensive, not quite believing me.

"What happened on the ride?" Grace whispers, like she is treading on thin ice by asking this, she motions up to the ferris wheel we are still standing by.

The two girls had promptly rushed over me to after I had gotten off the cart and Lucas and I had split directions.

"Oh erm literally nothing, it was completely silent, we barely said a word to each other except when I said thank you to him for taking me to the hospital and then at the end when he...apologised."

Mia raises an eyebrow. "He apologised?"

"Yeah." I nod, thinking back to what had just happened in the past 15 minutes. His little apology definitely had come to me as a surprise. I hadn't expected it seeing as how the both of us had remained mostly silent the entire ride but then again I also hadn't expected to be stuck in the ride with him in the first place either.

It had definitely been an odd and slightly un-nerving experience. Anxiety and alarm had been pressing down on my heart throughout the entire time and what was usually a peaceful experience on the ferris wheel turned out to be one that was highly uncomfortable.

I definitely was overly rattled by his presence and I couldn't apprehend why. Yes, my feelings towards Lucas were all over the place but the fact I couldn't stop trembling or bobbing my knee up and down was too much.

The fact he had been sitting so close, even after I had shuffled right to the end of the cart, sent a whole flurry of other emotions through me. Our close proximity had meant I could feel the warmth of his body radiating off of him as he say beside me and still smell his crisp scent and that sent butterflies to swarm my stomach.

It's like my brain couldn't decide what to feel around him.

The three of us turn around and begin to walk to the front of the fair where the exit is located, following our parents. We walk through the crowds of people, leaving the bustling fair behind us as we walk towards the gate where Jay and Andrew are meeting us after having snuck away to the arcade instead of getting on the ferris wheel like the rest of our group.

Lucas has long disappeared by now - like I had said before, he had made an escape after we both had stepped off the ferris wheel. I had watched his retreating figure walk away and disappear into the sea of fair-goers, taking notice of the way his hands had been stuffed into the pockets of his jacket and the way his shoulders had been slumped forward and the defeated look on his face as he had turned one last time to look over his shoulder at me.

That image of his gutted face was playing on repeat on my mind.

"Bell," Mia begins snapping me out of my thoughts.

"Yeah?" I raise my eyebrows to see both Mia and Grace gazing down at me. "Oo sorry I zoned out."

"It's okay," she snorts with a wave of her hand. "Grace and I were just wondering if you...think things between Lucas and you will ever be okay again." She asks this with confidence but I can tell she is still wary that she might be treading into uncharted waters by questioning this.

I pull my lips into my mouth thinking for a second. "Honestly I don't know," I tell her truthfully. "I hope one day it will be but right now...I really have no clue. I think in all honestly it all depends on what will happen after I tell him..."

I trail off but both girls nod their heads, understanding what I mean.

I look back up to both of them after answering Mia's question and take notice that Grace is chewing on her lip nervously; a tell that she wants to ask me me something else but she doesn't know if she should.

"What do you wanna say?" I urge her to continue speaking and I watch her open and close her mouth a few times before letting out a breath.

"Okay before you say anything...just here me out," she begins and I quirk an eyebrow.

"Alright..."

"I think you should tell him," Grace finally says after stalling for a little bit however, she speaks so fast that I don't even know if I heard her correctly.

"Remember, just here me out," she quickly adds when she see's that I'm about to protest. "I think you should because I've been thinking and I kinda think that you should...I mean I know you are waiting for him to realise himself  but Bella you've told him that he's hurt you countless times and Lucas still hasn't gotten the hint of what he did to you exactly so I think-" she pauses for a beat, her face softening. "...I think a big part of your recovery will be to tell...him, I think by like letting him know and getting your frustration and hurt out there will be a big part of your recovery and a step forward into helping you move on."

"I sort of agree." Mia nods her head slowly before I get a chance to reply and I turn my head to look at her. "We're not saying that you have to like completely forgive him the moment you tell him or something but...Grace is right, I think just getting it off your chest will be good for you."

I pause for a beat, processing what they had just told me and take in their suggestion.

I begin to nod slowly.

I hadn't really thought of it like that.

I had always just thought I would have to tell Lucas out of obligation or just for the sake of it and that he would probably end up forcing it out of me or that I'd accidentally end up blurting it out to him in anger...but I hadn't stopped to think that it may be good for me to tell him.

"You think I should tell him?" I repeat just for clarification.

Grace nods, placing an hand gently on my arm. "Yeah, but only if you feel comfortable doing so."

Jay and Andrew finally approach us, holding a huge blue teddy and our begins to group exit the winter wonderland fair. The hum of the music slowly starts to die down the more further away we get and as we pile into our individual cars, I think over Grace's suggestion.

"I think you should tell him."

"...I think a big part of your recovery will be to tell...him."

"...a step forward into helping you move on."

"I think just getting it off your chest will be good for you."

Their voices echo in my head and I actually consider their advice as we drive to the diner that we're stopping at for dinner. Maybe  they're right...maybe it would be good for me to get it off my chest and to help me move forward.

Grace was right. The main reason I was yet to tell him everything that had happened was because a small part of me was still holding on to the hope that he would realise on his own without me saying anything.

His complete obliviousness was the bit that hurt the most. The fact his actions caused so much yet he was not even aware in the slightest what they had led to and how those events will always impact my life in some sort of way hurt a lot.

Thinking about what the girls had said also put into perspective that it is most likely that Lucas won't be able to realise what has he caused on his own any time soon and I think just prolonging waiting for him to figure it out is doing more damage than I realise.

Maybe I actually should tell him then...

But when? And how?

***

"Mija are you gonna get anything?" My abuela asks me quietly as we slide into the booth of Millie's on the way home from the fair. "You haven't eaten since coming from the hospital yesterday."

I stare down at the menu placed in front of me.

My energy was diminishing fast and on walking into Millie's the bright lights of the restaurant had caused my head to spin slightly. Afraid that I might collapse again and begin to worry everyone, I slowly nod my head.

"Er, sure," I respond sort of hesitantly and my abuela sits back in her seat looking pleased.

My eyes glaze over the plastic menu and after some time contemplating what I should get and trying to push down the queasy feeling swirling around in the pit of my stomach, I finally settle for a portion of chips which is the smallest item I can find on the menu.

"So the new year is coming up which means I'm heading back to the gym and beginning my new regiment," Jay announces before proceeding to roll his sleeves up and flex his bicep.

Our entire booth groans and we all collectively roll our eyes.

"Jay, no one cares," my father responds playfully and we all murmur 'yeses' all around.

"You guys are all bullies," he accuses, crossing his arms across his chest and sitting back in his seat with a huff. His gaze then lands on me and he sticks out his bottom lip. "Bell you care don't you?"

Jay bats his eyelashes comically and I giggle which causes him to break out into a huge grin. He opens his mouth to say something else but Mia beats him to it.

"Don't you dare say anything Jay like," she threatens and her older brother puts his hands up in surrender.

"I wasn't!" He whines, cowering under his sister's gaze.

"Good or say bye bye to your PS4."

"No! Don't blackmail him with the PS4 that's mine too!" Andrew groans, interjecting himself into in his siblings conversation.

"No it's not, you left for college so it's mine!"

Andrew narrows his eyes. "How does that make it yours?"

"It just does-"

"Well Jay, if that's true then that means the PS4 is mine when you go off to college next year," Mia smirks and both the brothers turn to look at her horrified.

"Nuh uh," Jay shakes his head vigorously. "You'll end up getting angry then break it with Drew's baseball bat like you did to our Wii when we were little!"

"Hey my anger was perfectly justified when YOU WERE CHEATING IN MARIO KART!"

Jay gasps. "I WAS NOT!"

"Yeah you were brother," Andrew agrees, siding with Mia as the rest of us watch this little interaction like it's a reality show. All three Huong siblings are dramatic as hell, especially Mia and Jay with their over exaggerated hand gestures and over the top gasps, making this argument very entertaining.

Before Jay can stand up from his seat and begin wrestling his brother to the ground, Linh interrupts.

"Children look! The food is here," she points excitedly to the waitress roller skating towards our large booth holding two trays skilfully. All three siblings turn their heads in the direction their mom is waving her finger and instantly their attention is drawn elsewhere away from their fight.

Grace and I giggle as Linh catches our gaze. "It works every time," she tells us smugly as the waitress pulls up to our booth and begins unloading the plates.

"Bella look! I got your milkshake!" Jay beams, pointing down at the tall glass of milkshake delightedly just as John stares at it and grimaces.

"That looks like diabetes in a glass," he mutters under his breath before taking a huge bite of his tower burger.

Eve nudges her husband, motioning to his food. "And that's a heart attack waiting to happen honey."

I snicker, watching as John drops his burger back on his plate before scooping up whipped cream with his finger from Jay's milkshake and smearing it all over Eve's cheek.

"Daaaad," Jay whines, using his nickname for John and bringing his phone down from where he had been recording his drink. "You ruined my snap!" He slumps back in his seat and huffs childishly whilst John merely shrugs his shoulders unapologetically.

"Sweetie you don't always have to record your food, just drink up," Linh shakes her head disapprovingly, taking a sip of her own chocolate milkshake.

"HAHA! Yeah Jay, you're the family disappointment," Mia hollers before breaking out into a fit of laughter and fist bumping Andrew who had extended his hand out.

"Grace is the family disappointment in my family," Lucy perks up in her seat and Grace's cutlery clinks against her plate as she drops her knife and fork abruptly.

"DO YOU want me to show mom and dad your tiktoks? Especially the one's where you were throwing it ba-"

"Okay I take it back! I take it back!" Panic flares in Lucy's eyes. "I'm the disappointment, I'm the disappointment!"

Grace smirks wickedly. "Exactly."

***

Dinner is spent laughing and sharing stories with each other and although I'm thoroughly having a good time, I find that my mind is only half in the conversation going on at the table. I'm still partially focused on the portion of greasy fries sitting in front of me and the tightening feeling appearing in my chest whenever I glance down at it. Nevertheless, I still try and force myself to chew on some of the potato. I see my parents glance up at me every so often to check if I'm eating or not and their constant gaze only pressures me to eat more.

By the end of the evening, I look down to see that I've complete finished my portion of fries and immediately feel the knot in my stomach tighten. When I usually would have felt pride for finishing my meal (like I have been the last few months up until recently) I'm met with regret and an instant hit of self loathing.

We stay seated for a while even after everyone has finished eating, just spending this time catching up. This is the first time we have all been together in 6 years because my father hadn't been there the time we had dinner at Mia's house. It's nice having everyone reunited and God knows the next time this will happen again. It's not often anymore where we get the chance to just to sit around and joke about like this...like old times. Unfortunately however, my mind is now completely out of the conversations happening all around.

With the fry grease on my hands and the fullness that I feel in my stomach, the food that I had just devoured is all that I can think about.

As our parents pay the bill and we finally get up from our booth and put on our coats, an estimate for all the calories that I had just consumed swirls around in my mind. I somehow manage to muster up a smile for Betty who hugs me as we're exiting the diner but I'm not paying attention to a word she says to me.

As we stroll out of the restaurant and embrace each other in goodbyes and wish everyone a merry Christmas before getting into our separate cars, my entire body is overwhelmed with the feeling of disgust from how much I had just ate.

The drive back home is a blur. I sit in the back silently, wedged between my grandma and Sofia, my brain repeatedly telling me how pathetic and ugly I am, like a mantra, and the pounding in my head makes a re appearance.

I get out of the car and trudge up the driveway before stepping into the house. I make sure everyone is busy in the living room downstairs before rushing up the stairs and heading straight into the bathroom. My movements feel robotic as I do this. Like I have no control over my body, like I'm doing this all intuitively.

Nausea washes over me as I shut the door slowly before locking it. That's good, I find my self thinking. It'll make what I want to do next a whole lot easier.

I grab my toothbrush hastily and I flip it over before leaning over the toilet and as my hand shakes as I contemplate what I'm about to do, I think about how disgusting I am. How disgusting and worthless and ugly I am.

I stick the brush down the back of my throat and tears spring to my eyes from the force. I'm filled with dread of what is about to happen before I heave and throw up the contents of my stomach. I push my hair out of my face and lean over the toilet seat, sobbing silently as I'm filled with hate for doing this to my self.

All that is running through my mind at this very moment is how much trouble I have inflicted upon others and how much I don't deserve to have this many people caring about me, how much I'm letting everyone around me down and how much of a failure I am.

Another wave of nausea overcomes me and I stick my toothbrush down my throat for the second time, still continuing to sob. And I do this again. And again. And again, until there is nothing left to throw up.

Then, I finally slump back down on the floor feeling drained but relieved, my entire body shuddering with absolute self hatred and I lean my head back against the bath tub, the coolness a complete contrast to my burning skin.

I stay like this for a few minuets, tears streaming down my cheeks and my hands trembling. For a moment my mind finally goes quiet but that however doesn't last long when there is a knock at the bathroom door that causes me to jump out of my skin and my mind to start running 100 miles per second once again.

"Bella you alright in there," my dad's voice calls out.

"Yeah," I respond back quickly, my voice surprisingly steady as I push myself up from the floor and turn on the tap. "I'm just about to take a shower."

"Alright well don't use all the hot water!"

I let out a 'laugh'. "Don't worry, I won't."

AUTHORS NOTE:

omg so many people joined our discord call/server/chat yesterday and it was sf cute!! it was lovely speaking to u guys, it rlly made my night <33