Chapter 66 | Humiliation day pt1

Isabella:

I buckle up the seatbelt as I shuffle in my seat to get comfortable in Lucas' car, excitement coursing through me as Lucas recaps the agenda of our day out.

I'll admit I'm quit eager to see how this day is going to pan out and what each activity Lucas had planned will entail.

It might seem a little weird that Lucas and I have already become pretty friendly with each other but something in the air has definitely changed between us these last two months.

I had assumed that after I told Lucas everything, there would be distance between us and that I would find it uncomfortable to be around him but it's more or less the complete opposite of that situation.

To be fair, in January, there still had been a little distance between us. Other than the notes and the calls in the morning we didn't really talk or hang out.

By the beginning of February it was pretty much the same; we had hung out a few times with the rest of the group, but never really just with the two of us.

However, that had shifted as the end of the month had neared. Lucas' parents had left for another 2 weeks and I could sense that he was lonely so I had asked him if he wanted to come over for dinner a couple of times at my house and since then we've been talking and hanging out almost everyday. He's been briefing me slightly with what he's planning to do to make it up to me, just to ensure that I'm comfortable with his ideas and we've also just been sort of...venting to each other. He rants about his parents and I rant about my E.D and we're basically each other's personal therapists - a perk of that, is that Lucas surprisingly gives really good advice.

And as for not feeling uncomfortable around him, it is because I've been following Grace's suggestion and am trying to disassociate Lucas with my eating disorder.

I've realised that it isn't completely fair for me to just put all the blame of my E.D on Lucas. Sure what he did hurt a lot and did cause damage but he wasn't the only person who called me names on a regular basis, plus he was a stupid kid. I'm not saying I completely forgive him already or anything but with the way he is helping me and clearly putting in effort to make it up to me, I could in the future.

Plus I'm doing this for me. Getting rid of my grudge and forgiving him will be good for me, the negativity is making me bitter and is holding me back from moving on from the pessimistic feelings that caused my E.D in the first place and trigger the bad thoughts I have of myself.

I've realised the best way to disassociate Lucas from my eating disorder is by spending time with him and focusing more on the good memories I have with Lucas rather than the bad. Yes, I have a handful of bad memories with Lucas; the whole teasing and disrespecting my boundaries etc which stick out more than the good but again, it's only a handful.

Of course those 'bad' memories however, should not just be disregarded or forgotten just like that but right now, my first step is to stop making my brain see Lucas as someone to hate.

I've also talked about this with Lucas himself, that's another thing we've been working on - communication, and he has told me that he's also attempting to do that too with the whole notes situation and the various other things he's planning to do to make amends; he wants to replace all the horrible things he said and did with nicer acts and compliments.

It's not like we're besties or anything but it's clear by now that no matter what, our lives are intertwined and he's always going to be a part of my life even if I want him to be or not so I'd rather have a good view of him rather than bad if I'm always going to be around him.

Also surprisingly, when I'm with Lucas, I find myself not thinking much about eating...or not eating or any of the other thoughts and feelings raging around in my mind at all times.

It had been like that before he read the diaries but I refused to acknowledge it. Even though I did associate Lucas with my E.D, it was like whenever I had been around him, when I wasn't particularly liking him, I would just be focused and preoccupied with trying to escape his presence or being too busy at being annoyed at him rather than focusing on why I was annoyed at him in the first place.

And when I was 'friendly' with him - I found myself never really thinking much about my issues because his company, I'll admit, was nice.

Also, (although I feel bad for thinking this) these past two months, Lucas has managed to help me more than anyone else has these past three years (other than my old therapist). It's ironic how the one person who was partially the cause of my issues is also the one who understands it the most.

"So which place do you want to go to first?" Lucas asks me, snapping me out of my thoughts. He inserts the key into the ignition and glances at me as he clicks in his seatbelt, waiting for my answer.

"Sorry what?" I blink. "I zoned out."

"Where do you wanna go first?" He repeats, looking at the clock on the dashboard before beginning to peel out of the driveway. "I booked the ice skating for 11:30 am and it's only 8:15 now so we have some time to kill before then. We can go to the aquarium or the book store or the gallery if it's open now," he offers.

"Erm well I know this isn't on the list," I respond, twisting my fingers in my lap. "But can we hit a Target first, I...want to get us food for a picnic."

Lucas smiles. "Yeah sure," he agrees before his smile slowly shifts into a grimace when he looks down and realises what he's wearing again. "Let's just hope there's not many people there this morning."

"Let's hope it is," I throw back, smirking. "And let's hope it's full of teenagers...that go to our school so they all see you in this ridiculous attire."

"You're evil."

I merely shrug. "You're the one who wanted this."

Lucas narrows his eyes at me and I laugh as he smacks my hand away when I try to fiddle with the aux.

"Because of that wicked comment, I'm in charge of the music today," he declares, before gesturing to his pocket. "Can you get my phone out and plug it in please."

"How am I going to find it under the tutu?" I say, I lifting up the skirt in order to find his pocket. There is so much material however, that even after bunching up the many layers of the tutu, I still haven't located where the pocket it. "Um Lucas, I think it's lost."

"No it's not, it's right there to your left," he instructs, pulling up more material of the skirt to help me. "Look there."

"Er no it's not,"

"Yeah it is.

"No it's not."

"Yes it is."

"No...it's not."

"Yes it is-not there that's too left."

"What?" I furrow my eyebrows and glance up at him, to see him pressing his lips together and the tips of his ears turning pink.

"Your hand brushed my dick."

"Oh." My eyes widen and I slowly retract my hand. "Sorry."

"It's okay...I'll just, er, find it myself."

"Yeah..." I lean back in my seat and pull my lips into my mouth. "That's probably better."

With one hand on the steering wheel, still driving, Lucas bunches up the tutu all the way to his waist so that his jean pocket is more accessible to him before shoving his hand in it.

His eyebrows furrow when he pulls his hand back out, empty handed, before switching hands on the steering wheel and checking the other pocket instead.

"Oh, it was in this one the whole time," Lucas chuckles nervously, holding up the black IPhone and passing it over to me. "Whoops."

I shake my head and plug it into the aux cord wire as Lucas rattles off his password to me so that I can unlock the phone.

"Your music taste is so...random," I raise my eyebrows as I scroll through Lucas' Spotify. "One direction...Pop smoke...One direction...Drake...One Direction...Chase Atlantic....Giveon...One Direction...Nicki Minaj....Juice WRLD...SZA...One direction...Lil peep...The Weeknd...Daniel Ceaser...One direction and oh...look...One direction again.

"You mean music taste is elite," Lucas corrects, his lips curling into a smug smile. "And you're so slow at picking a song, we're going to get to Target by the time you choose something."

I huff, unable to pick a song and just end up clicking shuffle to let Spotify choose for me.

When the opening for 'If I could fly' by One Direction plays through the speakers, Lucas groans and swivels his head to look at me.

"You really want me to cry Izzy, hm?" He shoots me a stern look. "Change the song!"

"Okay okay!" I raise my hands up in surrender and click the next button before he can shout at me again. This time 'Like I Want You' by Giveon plays out loud and I crank up the volume.

I hum along to the song, resting my head against the window and looking outside as we drive past each house, shop and building in our town. It's been gloomy all week, the sky a melancholy grey with aggressive looking clouds looming above but today is the only day that it hasn't rained and hopefully won't later either.

Spring was nearing though, so I was excited for that. April was going to come soon which meant the sun would finally be out more often and the leaves would finally return to the trees and make the town look a little less...dead so that was good.

"Izzy," Lucas calls my name and I turn my attention back to him from the window. He nods his head at his phone that's sitting in my hand. "There's a note for you behind the case."

I gaze down at his IPhone and smile. "There is? Yay," I say, flipping the phone around and peering inside the clear case. My eyes immediately fall on the little slip of paper sitting behind the plastic and I peel the case off to retrieve it.

When I get hold of the note, I notice that behind it is polaroid that had been covered by the piece of paper and when I look closer, I see that it's a picture of him and Sofia; the one abuela had taken of him on homecoming.

"That picture is so cute," I aw, grasping the folded note out in my palm before pulling the polaroid out so I can get a better look at it. However, just I pull the photograph out, another polaroid sitting behind it, that I hadn't noticed before, falls out along with it.

"What's this," I say, my eyebrows knitting together as I lift it up to take a better look.

Lucas's eyes fly wide open and he tries to make a grab for the picture but I twist to the side and move it out of reach.

"It's me and you!" I exclaim, still looking at the photo, recognition hitting me. The polaroid, is a shot of Lucas and I sleeping together; his arms wrapped around me and my head laying on his chest, one of my hands flat on top of his left pec.

"Abuela took that, the morning after I stayed over," Lucas explains my unasked question and when I turn look at him, his cheeks are flushed pink (under the blush) like he's embarrassed.

"Oh yeah," I nod, recalling the event. "I woke because of the flash from the picture. God I need to tell her to stop doing creepy stuff like that."

Lucas laughs. "It's funny."

"Yeah but it gets annoying too," I shake my head. " I swear her and Ma are always all up in my business."

"It's better to have them up in your business rather than not in it at all," Lucas points out and I frown on behalf of him. "Anyways sorry, that's probably weird, I should've asked you or something before putting that photo in there."

"No, it's fine, that's kinda...cute." I admit and watch as Lucas turns an ever darker shade of pink. "Aw look at you blushing!" I tease and laugh, poking him with my elbow.

"Shut up," he mumbles, scratching the back of his neck awkwardly.

"Let's put our picture on the top, Sofia has been pissing me off by calling me Belly so she can be at the bottom and hidden away."

"Oh God," Lucas groans, wincing. "Don't worry I'll get her to stop."

"Yeah you better," I narrow my eyes at him. "Or I'm deleting all the One Direction from your playlist."

"That's literally illegal," he gives me a look of disbelief. "And I promise that I will."

"Good."

I click the phone case back in place and begin to fold open the little note.

"I wonder what this one says," I say, like I pretty much remark every time Lucas gives me a new note.

I've barely managed to glance at what's written inside when Lucas' hand suddenly darts out and grabs a hold of my hand that's has the paper held in it, preventing me from doing so.

"Not now," he tells me, ignoring my protest and nodding his head to where we're about to pull into the Target car park. "Wait till we're parked."

He keeps his hand over mine until he's finished parking and when he finally switches the car engine off, I try to wiggle my hand free from his grip.

"Okay now let me read it!"

"Not yet Izzy."

"What now?" I whine.

"Let me do the thing."

"What thing?"

"This thing." He explains by grabbing my hand and covering the note in my palm with my fingers, then forcing me to close my fist before he places a kiss on my wrist. "What I do every time."

"Oh."

"Yeah, it's important." He levels me with a look before letting go of my wrist. "But now you can read it."

I nod, opening my fist excitedly.

The writing on this note is a little neater, therefore making it easier to read and I clear my throat before beginning to read out loud.

"There's really something about you that is so uplifting." My lips immediately curl into a small smile as I say the first line. "Whenever I'm around you, my mood lifts, even if it's just a little bit. I like that I can talk to you about anything and I like that you listen. Also...you have really pretty eyes."

"Stop that is so cute," I grin, looking back up to meet Lucas' gaze. I swear I jump when I see the colour all over his face, for a moment I forgot that was there. "I really like that one."

"You do?" Lucas grins right back.

"Yeah," I nod. "And for the record, you're a really good listener too. I like speaking to you, you surprisingly give good advice."

"It's because I'm so wise," he smirks.

"Don't push it," I quirk an eyebrow and shake my head.

"I'm not pushing it," he retaliates. "I'm wise and smart and sexy-"

I cut him off. "And cocky and annoying and-"

"Hush! Let me finish!" Lucas shoves my shoulder. "Okay so I'm wise and smart and sexy and really good looking and very charming and all of the adjectives in the dictionary that fall under 'panty-evaporating.'

I blink. "Lets see how 'panty-evaporating' all of those people inside Target think when they see you walk in looking like a crayon box exploded all over you." I point at the handful people walking in and out of the automatic doors of the huge store with a smug smirk resting on my lips. "Now c'mon let's go inside!" I shake his arm eagerly. "I can't wait to see how people react to you!"

***

"Did you see the nasty dirt that old lady gave to me?" Lucas groans as we clamber back inside his car after stuffing all the bags full of food in the boot.

"Yeah," I laugh. "I swear she was about to wack you with her hand bag."

"I would've fought her if she did," Lucas shivers and I chuckle. "What an old hag."

He buckles his seat belt and turns the engine on and seconds later, we begin driving out of the car park.

"Well get ready for more stares and dirts, it's Saturday and the first day all week where it hasn't rained, there's going to be a lot of people out today!"

"I can't wait," Lucas responds dryly causing me to laugh at him mockingly.

"So where we off to next then?" I ask after Lucas wacks my stomach to get me to shut up. "Lets pick a really public place to start the day off."

"I was thinking aquarium?" Lucas responds, after groaning when I hit him back. "Because it's more closer to the ice rink and I think hitting the bookstore at the end of the day will be nicer."

"Yeah sure."

The car journey to the aquarium is quiet, we both sit in comfortable silence, just listening to the songs playing softly from the stereo. There's a lot of One Direction songs that play out loud and a couple glances at Lucas tells me he wants to belt the lyrics of the songs out but refrains from doing so for my sake and for the sake of my ears (which I appreciate).

When we arrive at the aquarium it's near 10 o'clock which means we get about an hour inside. More stares are headed our way, (well towards Lucas) as we walk inside and I stand a couple of feet away from Lucas so it doesn't look like he's with me but that doesn't last long when he grabs my hand and yanks me to his side.

He buys the tickets for us despite my protests and hauls me to the first section which is where the sharks are. Even this early in the morning, the aquarium is almost packed with kids and their families.

The kids and their families who seem more interested in Lucas and his outfit rather than the sharks.

"Why does everyone have to stare?" He groans, speaking close to my ear as he eyes all the people giving him weird looks. "I'm regretting doing this now."

"Well I'm enjoying this a lot," I retort, wiggling my eyebrows. "I'm glad you came up with this idea."

I shove him forward with me so we can get closer to the shark tank but as we're moving, a little girl suddenly approaches us and calls for our attention.

"Hi, where did you get your skirt from?" she breathes, staring up at Lucas with big does eyes. "It's so pretty."

The little girl has lots of different beads and bows attached to her braids and is wearing her own jojo siwa styled outfit. She downcasts her eyes and shuffles on the spot timidly after asking and my face softens at how cute she is.

I have to grab Lucas' arm to still him before he tramples over the little girl, completely unaware that the kid is speak to him.

"Oh," he says in realisation, looking down at the girl and stepping back slightly.

"She asked where your skirt is from," I hiss to him and he nods before turning back to the child.

"I'm not sure, a friend lent it to me," Lucas replies with a smile, crouching down so he's at her level. "But I think it's from Target, I was there a little while ago and I think I saw a similar one in the toy section."

"Okay thank you," she responds softly, looking back up and little dimples peeking out as she smiles. "I really like the colours, it's similar to mine."

"Yeah we're twinning!" Lucas cheers before pointing to the girl's tutu. "I like your skirt too, it's also very pretty." The little girl's smile widens at his compliment. "And the bows and beads in your hair, they're very nice too."

"Thank you very much," she replies before sticking out her hand for Lucas to handshake. "I'm Zaniya, what's your name?"

Lucas' large hand practically swallows her little one as he shakes Zaniya's hand gently. "I'm Lucas, it's nice to meet you, you have a lovely name."

"Thank you, you too," she giggles. "I like your makeup. Who did it?"

"I did!" I perk up excitedly, raising my hand. "It's nice isn't it!"

"Wow you're very talented Miss," Zaniya says, shifting her attention onto me and I refrain from aw-ing out loud.

"Thank you honey," I grin. "I bet you'll be very talented at it too."

"I hope so," Zaniya sighs. "Mommy doesn't let me do makeup, but sometimes I steal hers when she's not looking," she says the last part of the sentence in a hushed whisper. "But don't tell her though, she's coming right our way!"

"Zani baby there you are!" A pretty woman approaches the three of us, her face softening in relief when she spots her child who had undoubtedly run off without telling her. "Don't run off like that, it's not safe." Yep, knew it.

"Sorry mommy," she pouts and clutches onto the hand her mom holds out for her.

"I'm sorry if she was bothering you guys," Zainya's mom turns to Lucas and I and shoots the two of us an apologetic smile.

"No no, it's okay, she was just asking where my skirt was from," Lucas replies, standing back up straight and gesturing to his clothes.

"Oh right, Zaniya's been going on about getting a new one," her mom laughs before cocking her head to the side. "Yours is very...shiny."

"That's the one I want!" Zaniya exclaims, pointing at Lucas. "Lucas said it's from Target!"

"Okay baby, if you promise not to run off again we can get it afterwards," she glances down at her daughter. "Now say bye bye to your new friends, the starfishes are waiting for you!"

"Oh yeah!" Zaniya cheers and jumps up and down excitedly. "Okay bye Lucas and Lucas' girlfriend!" She waves at Lucas and I as she follows her mother and we both wave back.

"Oh my God she was so adorable," Lucas says the moment Zaniya and her mom are out of earshot, turning back around to face me.

"I know!" I gush. "Did you see her little dimples and the little beads in her hair and that bow that's bigger than her head."

"God, I love children!" Lucas clutches a hand to his heart and I nod in agreement.

"Not like that!" He clarifies when a family walking past give the 6ft giant, dolled up in children's clothes an odd look and grip their children protectively.

I almost piss myself from laughing.

"Shut up," he mumbles, grabbing my arm and pulling me back towards the glass where the sharks are swimming around on display. "Or I'll throw you in with them."

━

AUTHORS NOTE:

i know i said this was gonna be a super long chapter but i decided i'll just split it up into two or three chapters cos it's already 4000 words and i cba go edit a chapter thats over 6000 words KAKSK

also petition to replace s*fia with zaniya.

ALSO i woke up and wrote smut because...there is something not okay with me but er here's a preview yay! (ew ew this is cringe)

pls i can't do this, my virgin ass isn't qualified to write smut help ITS GONNA BE SO BADJDJSKXKAKX

ok this authors note is a mess sorry bye bye