Percy Jackson

Stress, and everyone looking at or whispering about me today because not only me coming home but the thing at lunch had to just be a big fucking deal and also now Chiron and the others are going to be at school and there like 6 demigods now in that school and I don't know why Chiron thought that was a good idea but it just.... It's overwhelming.

Practice after school wasn't great. It wasn't bad in terms of like, how I swam or how anyone did. We were fine on that level.

Kids like to talk, though. People like to talk, that seems to be all they do ever on days like today. They talk and things spread and it's stupid. It's annoying.

So going to practice and hearing my name scattered around, walking over to somebody just for them to jump just enough at my voice. Seeing them try to mask the like, intimidation or fear or whatever it is that just...

I don't want people to fear me.

Now that we're on normal practice times, though, Rome had to go home like right away because his made plans tonight and he doesn't know what they are, just that they want him there for them. Especially since his sister is home for a little while before she has to go back to school. She's older, in college.

So after telling me he'd text later even though it probably won't go through because communications are down, Rome left and I just grabbed my skateboard from my locker and tried to block out and semblance of a thought the entire ride home.

And you know what? I didn't die so that's probably a miracle but it worked so I don't care.

Didn't change that I felt like poop but whatever. At least my brain turned off for a while.

Getting home, Paul was already here in the kitchen, looking like he was reading maybe, I don't know. I couldn't see Mom, but her shoes were here so she's somewhere.

"Hey, kiddo," Paul said upon noticing my entrance home as I walked over towards the kitchen because I'm hungry. "Your mom said she'd start dinner soon, she should almost be done with her shower. Any notable happen at school or practice today or...? I heard something but I wasn't sure about it."

"You... Heard something?"

"Yeah," Paul agreed as Mom came out with a towel wrapping her hair. "Something about lunch, maybe a fight? You and another kid? Your grade or maybe a senior? I wasn't sure, you know how creative kids can be."

"Oh, uh, yeah," I told my step dad. "It was just Dominick. Came over to bug us and pawn homework off so when he was mean I told him no, I'm not doing it, that's stupid, his friend for defensive and I shoved him off. Nothing actually happened just... words. Told him if he didn't want to get reported for what he said to leave and he did so..."

"Well I'm glad to hear that nobody got hurt," Mom insisited as she gave me a pat on the back. "anything else happen at school today? Paul mentioned that Rachel was back, that must be nice! I thought she was going back to the academy."

"Yeah I guess they didn't convince her dad to let her do it until last Friday so um... Yeah, it was a surprise," I told my parents, remembering this morning and walking into class and Nico being there and Chiron and just... I walked over to lay on the couch to try and hold this fucking ball down for a little bit longer.

It's been fighting against me all day, though.

Every whisper. Every glance or half step back or masking of reactions send it just...

"But it was... I don't know," me not just saying it's good wasn't a great sign I'm sure. "like i expected people to say things here or there because I was missing for so long so it wasn't a big deal but walking into my first hour and glancing at my schedule to see Chirons mortal alias and then looking up as somebody walked roeards me and seeing that it's Nico telling me that Chiron wanted to talk to me so I go up and he's telling me that communications are down which, whatever, but they're recruiting two kids so Grover and Nico were here which just... Doesn't feel smart with Chiron also there and it's two people I swim with and am friends with, so I feel bad that they'll get subjected to this and on top of it Zeus and Apollo had s disagreement so Apollo fell from Olympus and he's mortal and I don't have to do anything about it but I feel like I have to or I'm supposed to and I've only been home for like a week and a half or two weeks and I just wanted a break and I just can't get one because Chiron didn't warn me that he'd be at Goode even though he would've known two weeks ago and it..."

It's suffocating.

"Is a lot?" Paul suggested. "Well hey, i know it won't solve the camp stuff, but if you want to take a step back and go half time or wait quarter or even semester for school, that's okay, Percy. After this last year, if you don't graduate on time, that's okay. I know you really wanted to go back for swimming but..."

But its not okay. The kids on the team are afraid of me anyways.

It should be but it feels once I fall behind as if I haven't already nobody will care and they'll leave me being and that'll be it and if the others are there to tell Rome stories at lunch from camp...

What if he left so quickly after practice because he was afraid of being alone with me?

I don't know if I could handle that.

Well actually, I do know that I couldn't handle that. Going back to practice was terrifying last week for the sole fucking reason that I knew that if Rome moved on, I'd never be able to show my face to him again to say that it was okay.

Every time I think about it it hurts a little bit more. Stabbing me right in my chest.

"Yeah, I don't know," but I figured he still needed a response. "I'll think about it. Maybe see how the week goes, I don't know."

"Well just let us know if you want to adjust it at all," Mom said. "We're having guests over for dinner, do you want to help me cook?"

So of course I took the offer and maybe it was a stupid thing for me to say yes to but she still offered so I still accepted.

I don't know.

Either way, I was mostly just on autopilot while I was helping and she handed me something to cut and it wasn't big or deep.

I just... Moved one hand faster than the other and cut myself a little.

It was a sincere accident. But considering my stupidity and the lack of things happening in my brain it took me a few moments too long of staring at my hand and then at the knife to realize that I was bleeding which probably isn't a good thing but it's just numb so it doesn't even matter.

Mom took the knife away and told me to run water over it and not to worry about where it was I got blood on.

And I did it. I wasn't going to just not listen to my mom but...

Maybe it's stupid, but healing myself with water just makes me feel worse because it feels like cheating and I hate every reminder that I get that he's my dad.

Every time I'm introduced as his son I want to barf.

So afterwards I just returned to the couch and went numb to the world for a while while the events of the day just filled me to the brim and the only thing that snapped me out of it was hearing our doorbell go off.

"Hey, you made it!" I heard Mom exclaim as I sat up and noted the time. It was only maybe twenty minutes since I cut myself but I figured I should probably act like I usually would. I'm pretty good at masking, I think. "Come on in, it's been so long!"

I do it all the time, after all.

Not all that shockingly, our dinner guests were Rome and his family. So his sister and parents. And they're nice people and we're close so it was fine.

We sat down together at the table and his parents asked me a couple things at the start of the meal and that was about it. Mostly it was them talking wkth my parents. My parents asking his sister how school is going.

If they asked me anything else, it didn't register. I was paying enough attention but like. I could've missed it.

Either way, Paul offered to do the dishes after the meal while Mom talked to his parents and his sister left to finish packing because she leaves later this week for college and so it's just Rome and I in the living room on the couch and I can feel it happening and I didn't want it to happen so now I'm on the couch with my boyfriend next to my trying to not lose my fucking mind.

"Hey, sweets," but he didn't want it to show so he acted like he usually would right now. "Are you feeling alright? You were quieter than usual during dinner."

But trying to push down when there's no room...

It's full. It's all full and the last of it is lodging in my throat and it's been so fucking long since this has happened like this but even if I wanted to answer it cut off my vocal chords and I could scream and nothing would come out.

My voice is gone and this fucking pressure that I thought I got rid of when Rome found out about my dad is just back for worse reasons and it's so much worse and it's suffocating and it's inside every inch of me and surrounding me stuff there's not enough room to breathe and I can't fucking breathe.

So in an attempt to get away from all the fucking noise going on, I stood up. The banging of the dishes and running water and chatter and little phone noises and I was going to shatter my phonw but I can't because we just got it so I stood up and just walked to my room.

Which, considering the fact that I didn't say it prompt it at all, was probably concerning for my boyfriend.

That labels going away soon.

"Percy?" Rome's voice was distant but I wasn't sure if that was because it was a whisper or is that was because I was so far out of it that things were warping and just... "Hey, what are you doing?"

I can't breathe.

Sitting on my bed I pulled my knees in and put my hands on the back of my neck because it was the closest I'd probably ever get to feeling safe right now and at some point in time my bedroom door closed and there was a shift in the bed as Rome sat down next to me.

My eyes were stinging but he was still just talking and maybe he was saying things if importance, I don't really know.

Either way, Rome's voice drifted away and then I couldn't feel his touch anymore and it just kept growing and it wouldn't stop and it wanted out and I didn't want others to be around when it happened but I don't think there's a choice so now I'm trying to push and there's no room and I can't...

Maybe Luke had a point.

Because I'm exhausted. And I've been exhausted for fucking... A long time now. I'm bad at math, I don't know, but at least over a year now.

It doesn't matter how much sleep I get. How good of sleep it was.

No matter what I wake up and I'm exhausted and I just want to go back to bed until I'm not exhausted but it seems like they will never happen and it's so hard hope that it will after so long and...

No matter what, I'm exhausted and I'm stressed. About the gods or camp or fucking anything and it's too much.

A year ago they told me I was going to die and I accepted it and I said my goodbyes and then it didn't happen and now I'm here and I don't know how to explain to people that I was content with my own death and now I'm drowning in this.

They said it wouldn't happen again. That we would get a break and we'd get to heal and we'd get to be kids and they fucking lied.

I woke up three months later not knowing who the fuck I was.

They took my childhood away from me.

I can only expect the best from you, Percy. One day you'll understand why.

But I don't get it. It's been fucking years and I still don't get why I need to always do my best.

Doing your best constantly is fucking draining.

I was supposed to do my best and die and now I didn't die and the problems haven't stopped and it's just following me and I want it to leave me alone and I don't... I can't... can't... Just keep...

I can't push it down anymore.

It's flooding and I can't drown but this is a million times worse than drowning eveet could be and it's suffocating and it's pushing out from the inside and weighing me down on the outside and it feels like I'm going to combust and I can't fucking handle it anymore.

I don't want to be here anymore.

I can't handle another little thing anymore. I can't handle the idea of Rome eventually leaving because if he's not afraid of me yet he's going to be soon and my camp friends are going to stop pretending and whether it be because of my dad or the quests or whatever the fuck it is just... Alienating me again and associating me with him again and Chiron making his stupid fucking remarks that are supposed to motivate me that just make me feel like a shitty person.

I can't deal with the fact that I know it's not stopping and it'll probably never stop. They'll never just leave the hell alone and I'll never get what I lost back and if I lose another fucking thing I don't think I'll be able to go through it again.

Somehow it's become the most numb and most painful thing to go through and it's turned into this fight that I'm losing.

I don't want to scare him away.

That worry cut through me like a fucking dagger.

But now I can feel his hands on top of mine and I didn't know how to react to that anymore because I don't know how he feels after today.

Wanting to make sure it was Rome and not a fucking shape shifter I glanced up and that was enough for him to know that I wasn't like, blacked out now. But he had moved while I was out of it because he was next to me when it started and now he's kneeling on the floor in front of me.

"Hey," my boyfriend shifted his voice from general encouragement to an actual conversation. "Are you feeling any better?"

I shook my head, still burying my head.

"Can you talk at all?"

And again, I shook my head.

"Did something happen to your actual voice?" And I guess he doesn't know what can happen as a demigod so it makes sense for him to ask. But for the third time, I shook my head. "So it's just a for now thing?"

That I was able to nod for.

It's been a long time since I've had a mute episode but like... I don't know, I've had them before. When I was young.

Gabe usually caused them, though. It was easy to pass it off as being shy or tired and now it's so much more intense and as much as the feeling was becoming less intense, it wasn't going to just go away.

That's the worst part. Knowing that it won't just go away after this.

"Well hey," Rome interjected my brain being shitty at it's job. "Sitting in a ball won't make it feel better. Curling up isn't good, you always tell me that before races."

And he was right. Holding the tension was bad. Would make it worse.

So I let him take my hands away from my neck. Let my legs slide off my bed.

What if I look up and he's scared?

Opting to not look up, Rome went on.

"See? You already relaxed a tiny bit from that." My boyfriend pointed out as I just locked onto our hands. He was rubbing circles into the back of my hands. "Do you want to cuddle and watch something to help calm you down more?"

I already knew that I wasn't going to pay attention to whatever was on but I nodded my head anyways because I just... Cuddling is nice and good and safe.

It's pretty normal by now when we cuddle, but Rome let me basically lay on top of him while I rested my head on his chest and I don't think he turned anything on but it didn't matter because I was just focused on his one hand that was playing with my hair while the other ran along my back and shoulders.

He's not going to want to do this anymore.

"Hey, sweets," but I must've tensed up when that thought just fucking hit me and he must be so fucking over it by now. "Remember to breathe, okay? I love you."

For how much longer?

"I love how your hair feels in my fingers," but he didn't stop there, and it caught me off my guard. "I love how it feels to have you lay on me and I love how much you enjoy cooking and I love the shampoo and conditioner you use because you always smell good and I love how you skateboard to school until you basically can't in the winter and I love helping you out with homework and I love how you always ask before giving me a kiss even though it's almost two years, it's still so sweet and I love your wardrobe and how much fun you usually have at practice and I love all of the art you make and love how easily you stuck up to the others earlier today and I love you in so many other ways that I've yet to even understand yet and you hear it like all the time, but I love you."

I did let out a breath and it calmed a few nerves but...

It's still a lot.

We laid there for a while as the knot loosened in me, letting the feeling sink below my throat, not only giving me my voice back, but my ability to at least kind of bresthe normally.

It was probably barely a whisper, but after a while of laying there and focusing on what he was doing to keep me from getting worse with the tools he had, I mustered up something to say.

"I... I uh, I'm sorry."

But that's his like, least favorite thing for me to say in times like this.

"Hm?" Rome responded. "Sweets, please don't apologize for this. If anything, I'm glad to be here for it because you're not alone, okay? I'll always be willing to be here through things like this as long as I'm not having a moment of my own, okay? I love you."

"Love you, too."

"Now," my boyfriend carried the conversation, though, as I looked up at him and he could definitely see how destroyed my face was from crying earlier now. "Can I ask what happened? You were really quiet at dinner, did something happen before we got here?"

But shaking my head I also shrugged.

"I mean I helped mom cook and then accidentally cut my finger but..." I explained to my boyfriend. "Nothing to make bad worse."

"Can I ask what happened, then?" Rome asked in a gentle, quiet voice. "Because I missed something while we were at school or practice then and I want to make sure I notice it next time."

"Just..."

But how do I put it into words?

"Everything, I don't know," and that seemed like a shaft, at least. "I probably should've waited on school, I don't know, but I'm just tired and I expected to hear things here or there today because I'm back suddenly and so it was fine to hear this morning but going to first hour and Nico being there seemed weird and then Chiron was the teacher and they're trting to recruit Logan and Quinn now and that's why Grover was there too and Rachel's back and I missed Rachel and the other two are my friends but it's a lot of people and Apollo is mortal now and I can't do anything about it but Chirons tone akways makes it sound like there's something I should be doing about it and just..."

My voice drifted off for a moment.

"I just wanted a break and now it's just following me," I elaborated for him. "and it's exhausting. I had a week and a half off and I wasn't even able to catch my breath in that time and now there's shit happening again even though they promised it'd stop but it didn't and it hasn't and now Nico and Grover are in school with us and who I am at camp and at school are very different because it kind of has to be and so no matter what I do it's not going to be right becayse it's either right for you guys or for them like earlier and I just don't want them to tell you a story and it'll scare you and then you'll want to leave because I'll be scary to you and—"

"And that's not going to happen," my boyfriend insisted. "mauve I'll hear a story and it'll freak me out a little, sure, but if I do, I'll ask you about it. Things happen and I don't know how similar what you do now is to like, old myths, but you do what you need to to survive, right? And plus, if that story ever came out, I know you'd never do it to me. Your anxiousness now proves the point even more for me. But I'd never leave you over something that happened on a job or a quest or whatever it may be."

But him saying that without knowing is still freaky.

"Are you sure?" So I ask.

"Positive," he insisited. "What matters to me is that you're still here, okay? Right now, you're still alive and here and breathing. I won't make you deep dive into it if you don't want to but... I know that it's really frustrating and all to be a demigod, but can I ask why you don't like saying who your dad is? Nico and the others mostly seemed okay saying theirs but... They also mostly live at camp so is it just more normal?"

I shrugged.

"Maybe, that's probably part of it," but I was willing to tell him about this as I was finally calming down, the exhaustion starting to hit. "Um, I can't speak for everyone because I wasn't there when Leo or when everyone was claimed but when I was claimed it was like... A big deal."

Pausing for a moment, I knew he'd need context.

"So after WWII," I filled him in on the more recent politics on Olympus. "Zeus, Hades, and my dad made a pact to have no more kids because they were too powerful. Hades currently had had two living kids, but he put them in the Lotus after Zeus killed their mom so they didn't know. That's Nico and then his sister is dead now. But they made the agreement because of a prophecy that predicted the downfall of Olympus and then Zeus went off and had a kid, Thalia. And then I was born like, five years later. Maybe 4. And then my younger brother, Tyson, was born but he's a cyclopes so it didn't count towards the prophecy because he's not a half blood and then Zeus, technically Jupiter, had Jason and then they stopped because after I was born they made a law that gods like, couldn't raise their kids. Couldn't contact them."

"Oh?"

"Yeah," I confirmed. "which is why I didn't know who he was at all. Mom wasn't even allowed to say anything and then she did all of these things to keep me safe growing up that just barely worked and I had not a great childhood because I always for expelled and my mom's ex husband was super abusive and I still don't know how to tell my mom about that because I never told her then out of fear and so when I get recruited and my mom gets taken away by a monster Hades sent I was devastated and me fighting a monster and surviving was kind of big but whatever. Before I was claimed I stayed in cabin 11 because Hermes takes all unclaimed kids and that's how I met Luke and then in a game of capture the flag a hellbound broke through our camp borders and it tried to kill me and then Chiron killed it and then I was claimed by my dad and it was a big fucking deal because Thalia died when she was recruited. Turned into a tree so they didn't have to worry about the prophecy until I was claimed and I didn't know that when it happened so when the entire fucking camp cold shoulders me with the exception of Grover and Luke, it wasn't something that I felt like I should be content with."

I paused, remembering the days of feeling shitty in my new at the time cabin.

"Instead it was this thing that stopped me, again, from being able to just be like other people," I tried to explain to my boyfriend. "My entire life it just felt like I was isolated from other people because I wasn't normal and camp was supposed to be my normal and then I became a ticking time bomb to everyone and I didn't even know. I went on a quest after some people started to trust me but then I come back and Luke leaves to rebel and like... I took over a lot in leadership after he left just because of expierence, but most kids fucking hated that I got to go on quests and be the hero even though I didn't want to be and I still don't and Thalia is alive obviously now and she was revived my second summer but the fucking day before she turned 16 she passed the prophecy down to me and I refused to give it to Nico and so a year ago when they said I'd die when I turned 16, I was ready. Whether anyone knew it or not, I had said goodbye and I had gotten my closure that I needed."

But I stop, remembering how Luke sacrificed himself at the last minute.

It pissed me off sometimes. To remember that.

Like we had thought he was already dead due to Kronos but... None of us anticipated what happened.

"And then, despite what people told me for like 4 years after Luke left," I elaborated for my boyfriend. "despite years of making my peace with it and because of it not putting a single thought towards my future because it wasn't supposed to happen, despite everything I did to make sure that that my friends and especially my mom would be okay after I was gone, I didn't fucking die. And while it's great that I didn't die, now I'm here and things aren't getting better for me or for Olympus and it's exhausting and I feel like I'm drowning because I didn't even think I'd live long enough to get my license, much less graduate and actually have a life. So now I'm drowning because I never prepared for what would happen if I lived and they don't tell you, either, that sometimes living is a lot harder than it should be and because of everything you've been through and what you know about the afterlife, sometimes you don't want to anymore and..."

My voice drifted off because I realized how bad that sounded out loud.

"Yeah." I managed to quiet myself because I may as well have said I wanted to put a bullet in my head and it would've elicited the same response from Rome.

What if that scares him more than any camp story would?