Percy Jackson

I think saying that I wasn't suicidal today gave me like, bonus points to push for three days and not seven.

One can hope.

The group activities kind of sucked but I wasn't able to actually say all of my stuff because it's a lot of mortals. We had a craft time, which was nice because I just got to draw for a while and turn my brain off.

"Hey, are you new?" A girl asked as she sat near me while I was drawing, pulling me from my sketchbook. "hi, sorry. Are you new here? I've been here for a little while and I don't recognize you, sorry."

"Oh, it's fine, uh... Yeah," I told her, nodding my head. "I got here yesterday but it was after dinner. Just like... They said it'll either be 3 days or a week. What about you? You've been here a while?"

She nodded her head in response.

"Yeah," she said in return. "my parents can't afford treatment at all so I've been in and out a lot because at least here I can talk to the therapist and stuff. So yeah. It's not great, but it could be worse. I do school online so it's not that big of a deal...."

She went on to talk for a while as I continued to draw and she just... Talked. And didn't stop.

Which was fine but... Weird, for some reason.

A guy came over after she left and be was younger than I am by a year or two. 15 or so. He had longer, black hair with green ends. Wore dark clothes and he was skinnier. Pale.

Reminded me of Nico. Since he's been so pale, the Olive tone in Nico's skin isn't as apparent.

He looked like he has a rough night last night, though.

"Hey," and maybe it's because he reminded me of Nico, but I just couldn't not say something. It earned his attention after he put down his own journal or sketchbook or something like that. "are you feeling alright?"

But as he looked around, I realized how dumb that sounded.

"We're... In a psych ward," the younger teen reminds me. "The whole point is that people here aren't okay. They leave if they are."

So that was a good way to shut me up.

Good to know that he hates me, too.

Just like Nico.

I was pretty shocked when I found him at my apartment, especially in retrospect after... He told me to never talk to him again. Yelled at me not to.

But he was there. Asking for advice to go on a date. Catching me in a lie, sleeping with Rome as he thought Annabeth and I were legit.

Even after that, at school... I guess Chiron was there so he couldn't be that mean first hour but... Nico has a whole day. He can be mean and hate and ignore me all he wants then and while he doesn't say a lot, he's said things.

I just wish I knew what it was that made Nico say that.

I thought we were beyond Bianca and after her death and I don't know... I don't know what I did wrong if it wasn't just everything I did.

Does he remember when he told me to kill myself?

Or did that memory get lost with the grief of losing his sister?

•••

The intrusive thoughts ate me alive the rest of the day and night, but either the workers didn't notice it didn't care because I didn't have an episode or attack because they didn't say anything.

I did have another nightmare and woke up to have a panic attack, but nobody was there when I calmed down so... Maybe they don't care that much.

They probably don't get paid enough.

I'm just another patient to them.

It's surprisingly easy to lie to your therapist when you know what you tell her affects what will happen to you. Lying to her means getting out of here faster and it's only been a day and a half but I don't like it.

And based on the fact that the release worker told me that I'd be good to leave tomorrow after lunch... Meant that I was a pretty good liar.

But you're not suicidal anymore, which was the goal, right?

It was the goal.

It didn't happen.

I still... Like, I don't have the energy or motivation to do it myself. I probably won't until I have another meltdown where I become impatient but...

Who am I to stop the monster? The car on the street or just... I don't know.

The gods won't let it happen. Not yet. Which is why I don't have the motivation to even try.

It feels like a cage, which is stupid, right? But I'm not allowed to die yet because they're not done eith me. They still want to use me for their problems and their issues and politics and so I can't die if they still want to use me.

It just feels like another way that I'm cheating.

That night was similar to the last. Going numb to the thoughts and having a hard time falling asleep just to wake up after a nightmare and have an attack to fall back asleep after another hour and wake up again just to something outside before dozing off and then being woken up.

The next day I had breakfast and my therapist set up an appointment with me for later this week and then I packed and we watched a movie before lunch and then had lunch and by the end of it they said my father was here to pick me up.

And I honestly thought they were referring to Paul when they said that.

But no.

It was Poseidon.

I don't want to be around him right now.

There wasn't a choice in the matter, though, so I got in the car that was apparently his. It was like, super nice. Definitely expensive.

"Yeah I was just in the area for a meeting so when you mom mentioned she had to pick you up I offered since I was closer," he said it as if it was a godly act that he offered. "I heard from Chiron that you had a bad day, said your mom and her husband talked to him about it."

"Mhm," I nodded as I opened my phone to let Rome know I was out.

Percy: hey sweets so you're probably definitely in school since it's Friday but I'm on my way home if you want to come over after practice. I miss you :(

"Yup, right around the same time Athena came to me, bitching about you," but he really thought that that would make feel better. "You and Annabeth broke up? Was that part of why you were so upset?"

"We weren't actually dating," I broke the news to the my father. "It was just s deal to get her christian family to back off. It didn't mean anything."

And sure, maybe he had a point.

"Well then if it meant nothing, or if it was fake, why would you break up?" He pointed out. "Unless Annabeth got a boyfriend or you have a girlfriend that would've been jealous? Either way, Athena seemed extremely upset. What happened?"

I shrugged.

"I mean I have a boyfriend," I told Poseidon, who didn't seem super surprised but I think he was trying to remember if he knew that or not. From Mom or whatever. "Yeah. We were together before the Annabeth thing, though, so... He thought it was really funny because I'm out at school but I wasn't at camp. When Annabeth met him on my birthday and she found out he was a mortal... She freaked out over the fact that I was dating a mortal and she called me stupid for it and I didn't want to deal with that so I told her that if that's how she really felt she could tell everyone we broke up because it's rude and hurt me to be called stupid for that. Just because we're younger and... Yeah."

"Yeah?" Poseidon responded and I nodded my head. "That is pretty stupid of Annabeth. Her dad is a mortal. As much as laws have prevented it recently, it's not like we gods don't date mortals all the time. As much as it's usually harder to date a mortal, especially if they're not clear sighted, it's not like it's forbidden for demigods. Sometimes being with somebody who doesn't know what it's like is a lot easier because they're more open to listen to things, even if you have to code it or whatever."

Why is that the most sense he's ever made?

So I nodded my head..

"It was pretty coded," I added on, leaning my head against the window. "He does know now. When the others were over Clarisse made a remark and didn't realize he wasn't a legacy so... He's been chill about it. Understands that I don't want to talk about it all the time. I don't think he likes you. As like, my father not... Not as a god."

And he thought about that for a second before shrugging a response.

We've never really talked about it before. About our actual relationship as father and son because I'm always afraid to bring it up because I don't ever feel like we're on the same page and I don't think he wanted me and I'm terrified of that being confirmed.

"I mean I wouldn't blame him," but him saying that kind of shocked me. "I'm not around much and I don't think Paul likes me, either. I don't blame for that, either, it's not like your mother and I ever officially broke up we just... Weren't allowed to be together anymore."

And there it was. That tinge of sadness in his voice whenever he talked about his time with my mom.

I forget about it almost every time until it happens again. Forgot about how he looks at her in the way that makes Paul not enjoy his presence.

He's never been secretive about how much he misses her. Usually, on the rate occasion that we talk for longer than a minute or two after a minute or in a meeting, one of the first thungs he'll ask me about before school or anything is how Mom is doing.

At least one god within earshot rolls their eyes every time.

Mom even now has never really told me about their relationship. Growing up it was obvious that it affected her and she always just shut it down whenever I brought him up but... I remember how she looked at him at my 15th birthday. 

I'd be nervous if I were Paul, too.

"Either way, I get it, I'm not the world's best dad," Poseidon concluded. "Even with Tyson I'm not. He's not at the kingdom as it is anymore, he's in California but... When he was there. None of us are really good parents. Zeus is... Well he sure as hell doesn't care about saving his kids when given the chance. Hades cares a little more but... He liked Bianca a lot more and Nico definitely knew that, even if it was never said."

He paused.

"I feel bad for that kid," the god admitted as he turned into the main highway. "I feel bad for all of you but... With how late Hades was to the maybe he should reach out and help because he's Nico's only family, it really seemed to affect him. That and Tartarus alone... I don't know how any of you kept yourself going just... Mentally."

It was my turn to sigh.

"Yeah if Annabeth wasn't there I would've let myself go like right away in the misery river or whatever it's called," I was honest, which seemed to surprise him. "yeah, I was not feeling great going into it and I felt worse coming out. If Annabeth wasn't there for me to have to help because of her ankle... I don't know how Nico did it, either. I was exhausted and suicidal by that point in time, though, so... He probably wasn't suicidal."

Mom definitely didn't tell him why I was in the psych ward, though.

"You... I didn't know about any of that," my father commented. "When did that or... When did you... Like I know that camp can be a lot and it can be hard to manage sometimes but... I guess suicide has never been a big problems for campers. How long...? Or was it amnesia induced?"

But once again, I shrugged.

"It could've been emphasized by the prior amnesia," I guessed but didn't really know for sure. "I don't know, my mental health wasn't great to begin. We could never afford to find out what was wrong so... I also kept a lot of it from Mom because when I was younger a lot of it was affected by Gabe. By the time I started telling her I was at camp and... Yeah. I just... I know she's always worked hard to keep us above water and to do so in a way to have me be happy so to then have to look at Mom to tell her that as hard as she was trying, I wanted to kill myself... It's not easy. Especially since she's married to a mandated reporter."

And he was definitely afraid of my answer and I could hear it in his voice.

"And you're... Not still suicidal, are you?"

"Well..." There's no good answer that he'll want, though, so I just gave him the truth. "actively? No. I wouldn't try to like overdose or slit my throat or anything but... I don't know if there's a monster it's a fair fight and if I lose, oh well. So... I was worse three days ago. That's why I was in the ward. I had a breakdown and had to be restrained so... It sucked. I didn't like the ward. I won't have to go to school Monday though, which will help. School made things worse, I should've eased myself back in. Maybe I'll go back later."

"Maybe?" He asked in return.

"Well being a depressed, anxious demigod is pretty time consuming," I pointed out to him. "don't go together well. I do have a therapist now, though, and I'm starting meds tomorrow I think. That or like, Monday. Maybe I'll go online or just do one class at a time or something, I don't know. Mom didn't graduate until I was like 13. Even if I'm alive, it's not like I'm going to college. I don't want to do anything that needs a degree."

Feeling my phone vibrate, I looked down to see a text from my boyfriend.

Rome: !!!!!!!!!!!!!! yay !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Rome: i miss you a lot too :( I'll be over asap, okay? Have you told anyone from camp yet?

Percy: no i haven't
Percy: i was gonna wait, I don't really want to see them right now. I just want to be home with like, you and my parents. I'm feeling a little better but I'm not at 100% or anything.
Percy: my dad picked me, it's kind of weird but not bad
Percy: came out to him, he said he doesn't blame you for not liking him as my dad.

Rome: he did?

Percy: yeah he also said that he knows he's not the like, best dad out there
Percy: but also things are weird with him and Paul so.... And even Mom so I get why it's easier for him to just be distant when I'm living with them.

Rome: weird? Howso?
Rome: also i thought the ward was a lot closer and we were online this week for classes because of monster attack so... I'm already here. Just like, in the living room. Your parents are both home.

Percy: then you'll definitely notice it as soon as we get there if he comes up with me, which he's supposed to so
Percy: we'll be there in a few, love you

Rome: love you too 💙

Putting my phone down, Dad asked me if there was anything that I wanted to do just, generally. Whether it be when I'm older and financially stable or just over winter or when I get home or whatever. It was more geared towards like, after I would graduate, though.

So I answered, saying that I wasn't really sure but maybe opening a skate shop or a small cafe or restaurant would be nice. I really like painting skateboards so maybe that'd be fun for a shop.

I didn't expect him to care, but he said that that seemed like a really cool way to make my life something I'd like a lot more and he asked if he could see what I painted on my last board when we for back.

So I said yeah, because I'm desperate for any potential positive relationship with my dad.

He probably won't try sgsin for a long time but... He was just now.

And to me, it meant a lot.

•••
Rome Ramirez

Poseidon did come up and Percy was correct, he does look a lot like his dad.

Was not nearly as intimidating as I expected. He was wearing a Hawaiian shirt and shorts and yeah.

Did not look like a god in my opinion.

Then again, neither did Mr. D.

I guess they do have to blend in at the end of the day.

But upon his entrance, Paul was teaching a class online but he's in the dining room so he sees Poseidon and I can tell he doesn't like Poseidon. It was just a reading hour so he's muted and there for questions.

But yeah, he didn't... Appreciate Poseidon. Just a little wave and that was all.

Sally on the other hand...

Now I don't know the story behind the break up. Percy hasn't said much about it because I've just never asked but Sally, as much as she didn't want it to show, was visibly not over Poseidon.

And in turn, Poseidon was definitely not over her.

It was almost painful to watch Poseidon look away from Sally's eyes. To see him mentally tell himself that she's married and they're not together anymore so he can't do whatever it is he wants to do.

Percy introduced me as his boyfriend, though, which was super cool and a little scary but Poseidon just smiled and thanked me for being there for Percy, especially after learning about who his dad really was.

That scares a lot of people away, apparently. They think their partner is crazy and they'll leave. That or just they won't believe it.

He said that it helps him to know that Percy has somebody here that isn't just his parents. Reassures him.

That statement made it hard to want to despise him.

After that, though, he said he was going to talk to Sally quick and Paul about what the people told Poseidon when he picked Percy up so as he walked away, Percy gave me a hug.

He's still not at 100%.

But that's okay, because he's honest about it and hopefully now he's might at least know one thing that can help. Even if it's small. Even if it's just that his therapist validated him in his feelings.

Because something is better than nothing right now.

But whatever has happened and whatever will happen, we'll figure it out. Because we're still here now and I'm still able to hold him and be with him and that means a lot.

"Hey, Percy."

"Hm?"

"I love you."