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"where did you leave your love?"
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DIARY ENTRY ONE: WELCOME TO THE MADNESS OF ROSALYN FRAY'S LIFE.

  I'm starting this Diary Entry stuff because I feel like I need to vent out how I feel everyday instead of hiding it inside my deep heart and soul. Plus, incase I do die, hopefully someday in my future, probably not now, people will know how I felt about everything and people will know the true me and my own true feelings. So this is it isn't it? This is my life:

Today, I hanged out with Mr. Brennen. He kept on babbling about how I hang out with Colby now instead of him, I swear, that dude gets on my nerves. Asking the same yee old question, aRe yOu aNd cOlBy dAtInG?! And everytime he asks that, I try my hardest not to slap him on shoulder, yet I fail everytime. I know that he wants the best for me and all, but being bombarded with questions about my BOY bestfriend is kind of old at this point.

I edited a video again, I'm kind of a workaholic at this point. When I started Youtube around like 4 years ago when I was 16 years old, I never really did it as a job but it was fun to put myself out there and not, I don't know, have to deal with the inner fear inside my veins of people looking at me, though they do, I just don't know, but when you have 5 million people watching you every week, you get use to putting yourself in front of a camera and looking stupid talking to it like it was a human being. It's so fun, that's why I love doing it so much I find myself being a real couch potato and editing all day and never sleeping. Maybe that's why I get so depressed all the time..

I never really realized how much of my life was so horrible until I grew up and those same feelings of pain follow me through my life and in my head all the time. I'm getting better at not crying every night, though my following knows that I deal with this problem everyday, I tend to not show it as often unless I let myself do it. I have a traumatic past, they know that too, the whole story. I was abused from the ages of 5-14, yeah I know, how the fuck did I survive that, I didn't, I'm so dead on the inside and you would think that I would've gotten over it by now, nope, because why would I? It haunts me all the god damn time, and it really really hurts, a lot to remember a time where I was so fucking miserable and so close to death even, but that's life right? Life sucks. It truly does at this point.

I have friends though, who are always there when u need them, I have Tara, Colby, Jake, Brennen, Sam, Corey, and everyone else I love, yet I sill feel this void inside my heart that I can never fill up. I hate it, feeling so empty in a place filled with people who love you, I hate feeling like I'm out of place. I don't know why I still feel this way after all.

But that's life right? I have emotions, I have a heart, I have a head, soul, organs, bones literally everything, yet I still feel like I don't deserve it, like I don't deserve to live. Did Rosalyn Fray reveal that she's slightly suicidal? I guess I did huh? You will think I'm petty and rude or maybe even ungrateful, but in all honesty, I'm not, I love everything I have, I love that I have friends, and a family. I love that I have fans around the world that look up to me, I love everything I have, but it all gets into my head sometimes. I wish I didn't feel this way all the time yet I do.

I feel better in my life slightly than I did a few months ago though. I still do feel the same pain I've been feeling for so long, yet I can't find out the reason why I'm like this? Why do I feel like I'm slightly happier now? Tara says it's because I met Colby, not another Rolby lover... Haha, yes, I know about our, quote on quote SHIP. It's funny to be honest because why the fuck would I like Colby? I do feel happier when I'm around him but it's only because he's one of my best friends, why would I like my bestfriend?

That's some crazy shit if I said so myself.

I think I need to go to sleep now, hahahaha. Goodnight to my diary, let's hope I write more in the future, goodnight future viewers who will read this, I love you, even though I don't know you.

— xoxo Rosalyn Fray :)

—𝙬𝙝𝙚𝙧𝙚 𝙙𝙞𝙙 𝙮𝙤𝙪 𝙡𝙚𝙖𝙫𝙚 𝙮𝙤𝙪𝙧 𝙡𝙤𝙫𝙚? | 𝐜𝐨𝐥𝐛𝐲 𝐛𝐫𝐨𝐜𝐤
@DEVLISHION| KEILANI