Hey!!! Hope everyone in the US and who ever celebrates Thanksgiving I hope you had a good one. Even though this is late lol. This song is I think it's gonna rain today. Original by Nina Simone. Though i really freaking love it by Tom Odell check it out it's worth it.

Can we pretend that airplanes in the night sky are shooting stars

I could really use a wish right now

Wish right now

Wish right now...

Dean

I think it's fucking hilarious how one person can affect the way you feel by not even saying a word. When they sit in the room, when they fall asleep, even when they breath the same damn oxygen not saying a word, it affects you.

That's how it was with when Cas was sitting on the couch. Also when he smiled or slept or did anything.

With out him here I had nothing to do except twiddle my thumbs, drink, and wonder if I should call Sam.

Sam. I hadn't talked too him since I was unhonorably discharged from the marines. He had gotten in a huge fight with Mom the last time. I could still remember when he told her that he'd rather "be the devil himself than have a mother who rejected him" because he didn't wanted to be in the family business.

Me and Sam. He hadn't talked to any of the family since he left. I don't understand why not me; he probably thinks if me upset with him for making his own choice. I wouldn't be angry with him, I never was.

Anyway I'm gay.

My parents didn't take that too well. Especially my old man. No, he fucking flipped out and sent me to the marines to "make a man out of me".

Yeah alright Dad, news flash,

This isn't fucking Mulan.

Castiel

Coffee went exceptionally well with Dolan. I mean this time when he got pissed, he didn't throw a coffee pot. Like last time.

I told him that I didn't know if I wanted to move back in and it escalated from there.

"You might as well, you couldn't do any better."

His words still bounced around in my head. That's when it got vocal. I told him that he was just a messed up psychopath and he needed to leave me the hell alone.

He did hit me. Got police escorted. Then I bailed him out and he told me it was all my fucking fault instead of thanking me.

He's a really great guy.

And I'm a really dumb fuck for ever trusting him.

So now I was on a plane looking out the window getting looked at strange because of my black eye.

All I could think about was how much I couldn't stand Dolan.

And Dean.

Dean fucking Winchester.

I can't even say why. It was extremely impossible to not think about him.

What was worse is that the last time I fell asleep on the plane, I had a dream.

Not very appropriate at that matter either. I mean I was thrilled that it wasn't a nightmare about Dolan but it's not a dream I should be having in a public area.

So now I was just trying to not be awkward and enjoy my plane ride from Georgia to Kansas.

I put my headphones in and turned up some Nina Simone.

Dean

Fuck it. I'm going to Kansas.

Is this a drunk ass thought? Yes? But I literally can't give a fuck right now.

My parents live in Kansas anyway so this will work out.

I just need to figure out a lie good enough so I can stay with them.

"Mom, Dad, I need to stay here because I'm chasing after my possible gay romance and he happens to live in Kansas. Thanks," was not going to work out.

I guess I could call Charlie. She was my old friend back in high school and I'm sure she wouldn't mind.

I talked to her a couple months ago and she told me that her girlfriend Dorothy had been staying with her.

I got up from my couch to go get my phone. Of course there was a fucking bean bag chair in the way.

I tripped. I also stubbed my toe on the tip of the wall.

Of all the gods there seem to be no one could pitch in and help me not feel like a Lego bazooka had just launched itself into my big toe.

Son of a bitch.

After internally crying and then making myself take another step I finally walked into my room. The conversation on the phone went like this:

"Charlie I need to tell you something."

"Lay it on me Dean-o"

"I'm fucking in love, can I sleep on your couch?"

That night I bought my plane ticket. I would be leaving the next morning.
I took a walk and wondered if I should call Sam.

I didn't call Sam though.

No instead I walked down empty streets and thought about him. I didn't know how he was doing. For all I know he could be dead, or have a kid.

I remember when Sammy was little. He was always a different kid than the rest. Instead of Dora it was Discovery Channel. Always so smart. Talented. I had lost touch, I had lost my best-friend and not even tried to fix it.

I sat on a park bench now. Just watching the busy walking of people.

He probably wouldn't even talk to me. Oh well, I guess it's another thing I fucked up.

I guess I don't fuck up at everything. I mean I never sucked at being a loser.

Wow, I'm so positive.

I missed my brother.

And I sure as hell right now miss Cas.

Castiel

My mom hugged me tight.

My father shook my hand.

I never realised how much I had missed them. Dolan had taken a lot from me I learned. Mostly my time.

Apparently my sister was now a mommy. She never called. Which I remember telling my family telling me not to call. It pissed off Dolan.

"So are you all officially done?" My mother said in the doorway of my old room.

It was complicated. It always was. I felt torn. About Dean, about myself.

I told her I would talk tomorrow because I was tired.

"Alright. Welcome home Castiel." She kissed my temple and looked sadly at my black eye before walking out of the room and closing the door.

The lights were off, and I laid in bed. I wondered what I did to deserve to fall in love with someone who didn't love me back. It hurt my chest to think about it. My breath felt trapped in my chest as I shut my eyes tightly.

I didn't want to weep over him. I didn't want to feel pain over him. I felt enough over myself. I was uneducated, in an abusive relationship, awkward and alone.

I realised why I felt the way I did. I was alone. Not a person in the world right now could understand this.

Except someone I had left at his apartment with just a note on the fridge.

Dammit, I probably screwed that all up.

And Dolan was probably right,

I couldn't do better.

I wasn't gonna get upset, so I decided to sleep.

Sleep was like temporary death. In your own universe, you almost don't exist. Like how death removed you from reality. Sleep removes from reality in your mind.

Sleep was just a taste of death.

For the first time my own thoughts surprised me.

I turned over in my familiar bed and closed my eyes.