Connor Stoll

I was honestly a little surprised that Grover didn't come with on the walk. He didn't ask or protest at all, even though I'm pretty sure he knows that Percy and I used to be a thing. He just said sounds good and let us go.

"You... Told him about us." I started off as we left the pavilion. "Right?"

"Hm? Oh, yeah, I told him about it when we rescued him last summer." Percy reassured me. "having a mental link means that it's really hard to have secrets— you can usually tell when the other person is lying or feels guilty."

I raised an eyebrow.

"Usually?"

Percy shrugged.

"It's a mental link, not a mind reader." He told me, which I guess made sense. "It also just helps that we trust each other. He's not going to randomly decide that long distance won't work or that I'm too mentally unstable to be trusted."

I opened my mouth to respond, but failed to find a good way to do so.

For a moment, a blanket of silence settled on top of the two of us, and I couldn't... Tell what he wanted me to do with that claim.

After a minute of debate, I conceded his point with a short nod.

"Well... Yeah, you got me there." I said, feeling the guilt of the entire situation pull down on me yet again. "I..."

I took a breath, stopping. We were near the stream where Percy was claimed right now. The spot where I vividly remember feeling my stomach drop because it meant the possible end of the world.

Now my stomach clenched because, for a while, I let Percy become my whole world.

"Look, I don't know if you want to hear it or if you even care anymore, but based on what you just said, it seems like you do." I began, crossing my arms in front of me. "But I am sorry for what I said— it was uncalled for, especially when I knew that you'd had a bad day so you had every reason to feel and act the way you were. I know that you're capable of doing crazy, cool, and amazing things, I just... I didn't really know you all that well when you left on your first quest, so having you leave for another quest when I knew that you were feeling awful scared me. I knew you wouldn't kill yourself, but I was terrified that you'd be more careless in fights or something. I just..."

I exhaled.

"Genuinely," I prefaced, because it felt important. "I am happy that you and Grover are together. Connor doesn't believe me when I tell him that every time he points you out to me, but I am. I assumed that you had a crush on him before we really became a thing, and I think the fact that you were leaving to rescue him subconsciously made me jealous. Which, again, it's shitty and I'm sorry. You've heard me apologize about a billion times for what I did that first summer, but I still feel like an idiot for that. And we don't..."

"...we don't have to be friends." I continued, knowing that he wasn't open to hanging out this summer. "I'm not approaching you now or apologizing because I think it'll end in is being friends— I'd still like to be friends, to start fresh, but I know that as of this summer, you didn't, and that okay. I get it. I just... Don't want things to feel awkward anymore. We're both counselors, right? So we kind of have to work together."

I stopped for a second, knowing there was one other thing I'd wanted to say to him because I've rehearsed this apology roughly two thousand times since we stopped talking.

"Also, my mom called me a complete dumbass when I told her about what I did," I finished. "Or, those weren't her exact words, but that was the meaning. She said that if we ever started hanging out again, she'd like to meet you so she can like, embarrass me and tell you awful stories about me to make up for what I did to you."

Processing everything I'd said, Percy just stood there for a moment. His arms also crossed, he looked down for a few seconds before looking up.

"Yeah, if she's ever in the city, that... Could be okay." Percy decided, speaking slowly. "And you're right, it was shitty, but it wasn't that didn't know why you said it— I always knew your reasoning. Well, maybe besides the subconscious jealousy, but it's not like you were wrong. It was just... The way you said it."

There was a beat of silence.

"In a place where almost everyone, if not everyone, has a mental disorder, it's surprisingly hard to be open about your mental health." My ex told me, his eyes glossing over. "You, Luke, and Grover were the only people I really opened up to my first summer. Towards the start of this summer, I opened up to Annabeth a little, but it's still very limited. And after you said what you did..."

His voice fell off.

"It felt like I couldn't be a normal demigod and also still struggle with everything else that I struggle with," Percy voiced for me. "I know that I'm mentally unstable— I currently have a bracelet that proves that, but I don't want people to think that I am only my mental illnesses. And when we fought, that's what it felt like you were saying. Like I was only as much as my mental illnesses made me worth."

Pausing, Percy looked down again, trying to keep himself composed.

"You know, for the last two and a half weeks, I've been in an inpatient mental health facility." The son of Poseidon told me, causing my heart to stop. "That's what the bracelet is from— I had a bad night almost three weeks ago and nobody was home and I didn't want to call anybody, so my parents came home to what they thought was the aftermath of a bad monster attack and they rushed me to the hospital, where I told the doctor what really happened and he sent me to treatment. Because I needed it, even if it meant I couldn't talk to anyone for multiple weeks and it scared them because I suddenly dropped off the face of the earth."

"I..." But before I could respond, I realize he had more to say.

"I got home three days ago," Percy continued. "I'm now going to therapy twice a week and my parents bought me an electric razor so I can't use them to hurt myself. I'd just gotten back from therapy when Thalia showed up to tell me that Grover had called for help and that he was also freaking out because I haven't answered any calls in two and a half weeks and we usually talked at least once a week after he left for Maine."

Percy put his hands out, as if trying to emphasize a point.

"And when she asked why I hadn't talked to him in so long, I couldn't bring myself to tell her the truth." The slightly younger demigod said, which... Was a sad fact. "when Annabeth asked me the same thing yesterday, on our almost six hour drive to Maine, I couldn't tell her, either. Because I'm so fucking worried that if I open up like that and I tell them that I was off the grid for two weeks because I was getting help because I felt like I deserved the pain I was causing myself, physically, and then refusing to heal those cuts, that they wouldn't think of me as anything more than that. As a pathetic boy who had to go to a mental hospital for two and a half weeks. Annabeth already thinks that I'm stupid— I don't want to know what she'd think of me if she knew that I was more suicidal than not a lot of the time. I... I'm terrified of people suddenly thinking that I'm not good or capable enough because of my mental illnesses. Sure, it can hinder me at times. But I can still fight monsters and go on quests and be as normal as any other demigod kid is."

"You..."

And the more he talked, the clearer his point became to me: because of one thing that I said, the connotation of which I didn't mean, Percy felt like he couldn't be honest with people.

He felt like he couldn't open up to people in the same way he opened up to me.

Which, by the way, was something he needed to do in order to keep himself alive that first summer. Especially after he found out that Grover would be leaving at the end of summer.

I managed to unknowingly turn my care, my worries, and my love for Percy into harm that's expanded far beyond the reaches of just me.

What I did has possibly affected every single type of relationship— platonic or romantic, that Percy will ever have after me.

What do I say?

How can I respond to that? No matter what I respond with it... Won't feel or seem as genuine as it should. As it is.

"I'm..." I began, the words tumbling off my tongue as soon as they came to my mind. "Percy, I don't even know how to properly apologize for that, but know that I am really sorry that... That what I said hurt you more than just our relationship, but that it's seeped into everything else. You shouldn't have to feel like your mental health has to be this big secret, and I... I'm sorry, genuinely, sincerely sorry, that I made you feel that way."

After all of that, I wouldn't forgive me for what I said.

He shrugged, which felt like a really tame response.

"I know you're sorry," Percy Jackson insisted with a sad smile. "And, in hindsight, I knew that wasn't what you meant. I'm not..."

Pursing his lips, Percy sighed.

"I'm not mad at you for what you said, Travis." My ex told me, which I think made him an angel. Or Jesus. "And I... I forgive you for what happened, because I know that you were coming from a place of concern and worry and you were well intended. I just... Want you to know the impact it had on me so you don't accidentally do it again. But I do forgive you, so—"

He put his right hand out.

"We can start new-ish— we don't have amnesia so it can't be completely new."

Looking down, I couldn't even think because I was so amazed by the fact that he just...

Said that he forgave me.

I put my right hand in his, shaking it— a very different context than what used to be normal for the two of us.

He has a boyfriend, I reminded myself, though it wasn't like it was a desire I felt when I held his hand momentarily— it was simply nostalgia. A boyfriend who's been much better for him apart and together than you ever were for him.

"To starting new-ish." I confirmed as he let my hand go. It was a tiny bit awkward, but not as bad as it used to be. "I think you might be Jesus if you're able to forgive me for that."

Percy smiled, rolling his eyes.

After hearing what he's been through this last month, I was glad that he was still smiling.

"I mean, it took a long time." Percy insisted as we started to walk again. "and a lot of conversations with my therapist and Mr. D. But the actual reason why we're here— when did you become so passionate about cabins at camp? Did Nico just like, spark something in you last night?"

I sighed, looking off in the direction that a certain son of Nemesis had vanished toward not that long ago.

"Nico just... Was a reminder." I started to explain, the names and faces of dozens of unclaimed and minor demigods flashing through my mind— none of them here anymore. "It really started back when Ethan either ran away or was taken or died. On his birthday, of all days— I don't know how much you know about it. But he was a son of Nemesis, his mom actually brought him to camp after his other mother died. He never had to be claimed because of that, but..."

I shrugged.

"There wasn't a proper home for him, so he lived with us." I went on, seeing Percy's expression shift ever so slightly as he listened. "And the older he got, the more it seemed to bother him—if Hera could have a cabin, why couldn't his mom? Luke insisted that he asked Chiron and Mr. D about it on multiple occasions, but nothing ever came of it, so I don't know if he ever did. And seeing Nico, he reminded me of Ethan— similar build, though Nico's a bit lankier, dark hair, quiet. They're around the same age. And he... He knew who his dad was, like Ethan knew his mom, and it just... Nico asked me about it and I couldn't give him a good answer and it feels wrong."

Percy nodded, putting maybe too much thought into his response.

"It... I mean, it is wrong." Percy agreed with me. "And Luke did talk with Chiron and Mr. D about it multiple times— I witnessed it a few times, Chiron shut it down pretty fast. The old man insisted that there weren't enough minor god demigods to go through the hassle of remodeling the cabins and then rebuilding the area— or he'd insist that camp doesn't have the money."

"Doesn't... Do we even spend our money?" I questioned. "Like, sure, we get basic supplies, but... We make and do most of our own stuff. It's not like we'd have to build them all at once! We could just start with a cabin for the kids who aren't children of Hermes but have been claimed by other gods— maybe each god gets their own room or something, I don't know. They'd figure that out themselves. But we don't have staff to pay or like... We have to have enough money from the strawberry farm for at least one cabin."

"It wouldn't even cost much if we sourced a lot of the supplies from camp!" Percy said, which was true— I didn't even consider that. "we have a lot of wood— not that we'd use living trees, but there's enough dead trees in these woods to at least make the bedframes and have some left over. That will still save us at least a thousand dollars. I'm sure the Hephaestus cabin has enough scrap metal hanging around to melt it into door handles and whatever else. The Athena cabin could easily build a model that kept camps resources in mind. Chiron just... Doesn't want to do it."

"But why?"

He shrugged.

"Change is hard or something, I don't know. It's the same bullshit answer to why our parents don't talk to us: it's just easier for them if they don't have to."

I rolled my eyes.

"I mean, yeah, but our parents still appear occasionally," I insisted. "not that I've ever gotten to talk to my dad but... That's a Zeus thing, not an Olympus thing. Luke was always really mad about it, which I get, but..."

I shrugged.

"There's only so many things I can be mad about." I decided, watching Percy exhale and shift his body language back to what it'd been earlier— my response must've answered a question for him that I didn't know he was asking. "maybe if we get more cabins, I'll be more mad about it."

"Yeah?" The son of Poseidon asked. "What are you, a one-issue candidate?"

I rolled my eyes.

"For what? Camp president? I'd never survive the primaries."

He smiled.

"You definitely wouldn't because the CIA would take you out before you could become a nominee." He agreed, I think referring to Chiron and Mr. D as the CIA here. We heard the conch signaling the end of breakfast go off. "Alright, let's go see what the old man wants to talk about while the girl scouts are here— maybe we can bring up cabins again just to get under his skin."

I smiled back, a refreshing, freeing smile.

A new-ish smile.

"You're too much, Percy Jackson. Let's go."

•••
two chapters in one night? I'm insane