Percy Jackson

It may be hard to believe, but things only went downhill for me after the reception.

The next morning, Grover had briefly woken me up to say goodbye since he had to go back to camp, but when I woke up on my own later, it was to a conversation that I'm not sure I was supposed to hear.

"Is Percy not joining us?" I barely recognized Gabe's grandma when she spoke, especially since she's so rarely here. "After last night, I was hoping to see how he was doing."

"He should be— I'll wake him up in a little bit to see how he's feeling." Dad told his grandparents. "Did something... Happen last night that we didn't hear about? How did you guys hear about it and we didn't?"

"We were there with your father when it happened— your dad had gone looking for you, but I suppose you must've been busy or hard to track down." My great-grandfather explained. "Percy um... He came into the dome very frantic and struggling to breathe. I sat with him while your dad went to find somebody to help, your grandma went to go get him some water and a snack. We got his tie off and the top button of shirt undone, and he calmed down before your dad got back. Said that he thought he had seen a girl that he knew who died recently? He went after her, only to realize the wasn't the same person, which I think confused him a bit, you know? We went for a walk after that and I told him about how it takes time to adjust when you lose people like that. Didn't think I'd be relating to a young teen about stories from when I was in the service, but... I guess there's a first for everything. He said she just... Walked off and that was it? Do you know more about that?"

There was a beat of silence.

"A little, but not much— the girl had just been brought to Camp Half Blood with her little brother." Dad filled them in. "When she was issues on the quest and Percy decided he was going on the quest, he sort of promised the older brother he'd keep an eye out for her and so when she died... I think the little brother blamed him before the kid proceeded to like, run away with no weapon and almost no training, and they still haven't found him, so Percy just... Feels guilty, I think? For what happened?"

"But he... Wait, hold on." My great grandmother interjected. "Percy isn't your kid? Or is he there as a legacy?"

Gabe sighed.

"Percy's my kid, just not biologically." He explained what I suppose would probably be new information for them since we haven't seen them in a while. "Sally and I didn't get together until after Percy was born, remember? Percy's sperm donor, as he calls him, is Poseidon."

Gabe's grandfather chuckled.

"Sounds like you and him have similar relationships to your godly sides." Great grandpa commented. "Your dad didn't say much about it to us last night, but he seemed awfully annoyed that your father wasn't present. All I got out of it is that he couldn't be there because of something you said or did?"

Nodding, Gabe told them that he'd uninvited Dionysus after some things that happened earlier in the month. As of right now, they weren't speaking unless absolutely necessary (aka if I have a crisis at camp and Mr. D has to report to them about it).

"Understandable— it was hard learning to accept your dad when he came out, but your father did not make it any easier." Gabe's grandpa told him, pausing to think. "um, also, and I know this might be a hard concept since you went through everything and came out mostly fine, but I'd get your boy checked for PTSD if I were you."

PTSD?

What's PTSD?

I think my therapist at the facility might've mentioned it once, but it was in passing and I was so out of it that session that I don't... Remember what it is.

Gabe must've nodded before he responded.

"We're hoping to get him in for a re-evaluation before summer." Dad told them, which was news to me, but I have also been in the hospital a lot and haven't been home a lot, so maybe the doctor told them to do it. "It's just been... Hard, lately. For him. Stuff with his bio dad, camp stuff, but also school and just... He has a hard time making friends at school, and Grover was in Maine for most of this last semester, so they couldn't really hang out. He is in therapy, though, which helps. I think."

There was a pause.

"Thank you for handling him last night, by the way." Dad said as I decided to finally throw some pants on. The food smelled good, and I was hungry. "I'm sure he appreciated it a lot. There's... A lot of things going on in that world right now. Big things that... I think are just starting."

"Yeah?" Dad's grandma asked. "You don't seem optimistic. Are you guys still planning honeymooning? Your dad said you were on the fence about that?"

I paused at my door.

Why would they cancel their honeymoon?

It's like... Probably the last chance they'll get to travel or do anything on their own before the kid is born.

"Gods I..." Dad started.

"We... Have to decide in the next few days." Mom picked up what Gabe was saying. "Gabe's dad and Eddie have both offered to stay here with him, and Grovers back in New York, and I believe Luke and Thalia will be here for a while, so it's not like he'd be alone, but... I mean, gods for I'd anything were to happen to Percy while we were gone..."

My hand went over the bandages on my arm, wondering how long they've been debating cancelling their honeymoon because of the fact that my brain can do anything but its job.

Was it because of the hospitalization? Or was it after, when I had a meltdown at home?

"But if we stay behind, and he knows why we stay behind, he's going to feel guilty, so there's no winning." Mom concluded. "he blames himself for what happened to that poor girl and her brother last week, and before that he'd just gotten home from an inpatient stay, so either we go and risk that he'll be alone at the wrong time or that something happens that we can't help him with. Or we stay and risk him beating himself up even more because we stayed. Our original idea was to see if we could upgrade our stays to get a second room so him and Grover or him and somebody could come with, but a couple of the hotels are completely booked out and it just... Wasn't feasible. I guess we could reschedule, but it would be after the baby is born, so it's just... There's no good answer."

You're right. I thought to myself. There is no good answer.

Kind of hate myself for putting them in that position.

Maybe if I try to act like I'm getting better... I don't know how much of it they believe, but they should still go.

Because if they push it back, I don't think it'll actually happen, and they deserve a break from me and from everything else going on.

Not that there's much else since the reception is done, but... It's mostly just been stuff with me.

I crossed my arms, hugging myself.

"You should talk to him about it," Great Grandpa insisted, and even I could sense some hesitation about it, even though I wasn't in the room. "You'll probably have to be very insistent about why you would stay so he doesn't feel as guilty about it, but if it's his mental health you're worried about, talk to him about it. If you guys need it, we can watch him as well. Hell, he could come out to the property if he wanted. The country is nice and quiet, though I know that nice and quiet can be both a bad and good thing. We'd keep him busy, though."

"If you want to mention that while we eat lunch, you can. I'm sure he'd appreciate the offer." Dad insisted. "Speaking of, I'm going to go to the bathroom real quick and then we can get the table set."

After hearing Dad go into the bathroom, I took it as my cue that I could leave my room to join the people in the kitchen and dining room.

How do I act like I'm okay? Do I just like, pretend to smile when people say stuff or...?

How do people usually act when they're okay?

"Morning, sweetie," Mom said even though it was definitely afternoon. She gave me a kiss on the top of my head. I liked that she could still do that. "Great Grandma and Grandpa are here for lunch, but it's just them and the three of us. I made Feijoada— does that sound good?"

I nodded.

"Feeling okay?" She asked as Dad's grandparents were setting the table. Mom rubbed my back a little, naturally picking up on how I was feeling because she's my mom. "Your dad's grandparents were telling us that you had a panic attack last night?"

"Yeah, I... Thought I saw Bianca, but it was just like, a cousin or something that has a similar haircut and is around her height." I insisted, not even considering rejecting it when my mom hugged me. "I was like, convinced it was her because we never actually found her body, so... I was hoping that maybe she survived and that she found me to ask or tell me about Nico and... Yeah. Once I realized that the person I thought was Bianca wasn't her, I had a panic attack. Great grandpa was cool, though. Helped me feel less like, bad, about having the panic attack. We walked around the building after it, and I was calm and mostly okay by the time we made it inside, which is why I didn't think to mention it at all. It's in the past."

"Okay, well I'm glad that he was able to help you out. Do you have any plans today?"

•••

I was able to convince them that they should go on their honeymoon, barely.

The stipulation for that was that I couldn't be alone overnight in the apartment and that they'd be checking in daily.

A few days into their honeymoon— a week or so after that conversation, Grover was sent to help search for Nico. Apparently, he had been talking about his lead for Pan, and instead of approving or even considering letting him go on another searchers missions, the Cloven Council said they they could use another searcher for Nico. Somebody to look out of state, further west towards the entrance to the underworld. Hedge, apparently, was focused on staying around New York and Long Island to find Nico.

When Grover asked about his proposal, they said that "he was lucky to even get this after what's happened. Who knows, maybe you'll find Pan with the son of Hades.

So now my boyfriend isn't around anumore, and he has a limited amount of drachmas that are supposed to last him 6 months— unless he finds Nico sooner than that. So we can call like, once every other week.

If he doesn't call anybody else.

Grandpa and I watched a lot of MASH and ate a lot of sweets the night after Grover stopped by to say goodbye and take me out for dinner because who knows when we'll see each other again.

If we'll see each other again.

The day after that, I slept until sometime around lunch. Grandpa woke me up so I could eat. For dinner, we went to a restaurant I like down the road.

I think we went so that way I wouldn't be in my room and wallow the entire day. So I'd have to leave.

The day after that, Grandpa knocked on my door an hour or so after lunch, when I had been attempting to work on all of the work I missed when I was at the psych ward (and not getting far, since most of it was math).

"Hey, Munch," opening the door when I didn't protest, Grandpa poked his head inside my absolute mess of a room. I don't blame him if he didn't want to come in— even if he did earlier today to ask me what I wanted to eat. "there's somebody here to see you. They're at the door."

Nodding, I insisted that I'd be out in a second. Throwing on a sweater, I put down my pen (not Riptide) and walked out to the living room and entry way. I assumed that it could've been Luke or Thalia just checking in— maybe even Eddy planned something for today. He's like... Sort of my uncle? He's always been around, and he's the one that would watch me when Grandpa couldn't as a kid.

But to my surprise, it was none of those people.

"Travis?" I asked, caught off guard by the son of Hermes (the one I wasn't expecting) standing in the entryway, with a backpack on. He was holding a small paper bag in his hands, as well. "What... What's up? What are you doing here? Is everything okay at camp?"

"Hey!" The brunette smiled, extending the paper bag towards me. "camp's alright, don't worry— Connor and I visited our mom this morning since she just got done with a long couple weeks. After that, we stopped at Luke's, and now I'm here. Connor's visiting somebody else, I don't know. I got this for you."

Hesitant, I grabbed the paper bag, keeping the top closed.

"If I open this, will something alive come crawling out?" I questioned, reasonably so, because when I was there last somebody from the Hermes cabin left a gift box full of daddy long legs in the Athena cabin.

Travis scoffed.

"I would never," he lied, turning the bag in my hands to expose a logo. "It's from a candy store."

I raised an eyebrow.

"And you paid for this?"

He shrugged.

"Most of it." Travis admitted, and I couldn't help but roll my eyes. "What!? It's a small business, I can pay for some stuff, but if a few small things go missing... How would they even notice?"

Conceding to his point because I do the same thing, I open the bag to see exactly what he had said there would be— a bunch of candies.

And then I noticed something:

"They're all blue."

Looking up, I could see Travis look like he didn't know how to respond to my observation, because I never told him about the blue food.

At least, I don't think I did. So he wouldn't know.

"...yeah." Travis crossed his arms, nodding. "I um... I sort of noticed the blue thing here or there, but when I told Luke that I had to stop at the candy store on my way here, he told me to make sure it was all blue. He..."

The son of Hermes paused.

"He didn't just say that to make me look stupid, did he?" He doubted his older brothers advice.

I smiled a little.

"No, he's not pranking us or anything— it's a running joke with me and my parents." I explained. "It started a while before camp, persisted because my mom is stubborn, and now it's a joke. If it can be blue, my mom usually makes it blue. My blood is probably purple because of it. Um... Yeah. Thanks."

After the thought bugged me for a few seconds more, I asked the question again because he hasn't answered it earlier.

"Can I ask why...?" I questioned, raising the bag of candy. "like, I'm glad to make your list of people to visit when you're in the city, but... You've never been here before."

"We've never been on good terms during the off season." Travis said in return. "I uh, I heard yesterday that Grover is going to be out west for like, what, six months? Or just generally not around, I guess. Thought that you might be sad because of that since he also wasn't around this last semester because he was in Maine for most of it. And if you weren't sad, I thought you'd like the candy anyways. It's no blanket from the camp store or anything, but..."

I smiled, remembering when Travis would steal random items for me from the camp store. It was sweet. I appreciated it a lot.

"Oh, yeah. Thanks." I repeated myself, unsure of how much he wanted to hear me talk about my boyfriend. "he came by yesterday on his way out of the city and we went out to eat. I've been kind of depressed and on edge anyways, so it just like... Enhanced it, I guess? I don't know, mental illnesses are stupid, and I'm kind of over the "it will get better" bullshit now, and—"

He's not your boyfriend. I reminded myself. He doesn't want to hear about how close you constantly are to taking a nap in the dirt.

"And you probably don't want to hear about it." I cut myself off, crossing my arms in a desperate attempt to keep the anxiety inside of my body. "Sorry. Um... Do you want to come in? I'm not sure what your plans we're, but I'm just like, pretending to understand my math homework and not actually getting anywhere with it, so you're more than welcome to hang out."

"You sure?" Travis questioned. "I'd love to hang out, but if you're having a family day or something, I don't want to intrude. I don't know who answered the door, but it definitely wasn't your dad."

I nodded.

"That's my Grandpa— the one who's married to Mr. D." I explained. "He's here because my parents are on their honeymoon right now. They're gone for another week or so."

"Ohhh, that makes sense— Luke mentioned going to a party or something like that recently. Was it a fun party?"

As we walked back towards my room, I shrugged and then nodded.

"I thought I saw Bianca at one point in time and then had a panic attack afterwards, but besides that, yeah." And as I said that, I knew that I should've just said it was fun. Because again, he doesn't care. "It was fun. I guess. Whatever fun is, like..."

Opening the door, my lack of an object permanence reminded me that my room was nowhere near clean right now.

"I guess it was fun." I concluded. "Sorry that my room's a mess. Again, depression."

"Because the Hermes cabin is ever not a swarm of chaos?" Travis reminded me, as if his counselor room wasn't tidy the few times I'd gone into it. "don't worry, Percy, it's fine."

"But—"

"Percy, I stopped by unannounced when I figured you would be sad." The son of Hermes persisted as I set the bag of candy down on my desk. "I expect a little bit of a mess. I'm just glad you're still here and not in the hospital or trying to bribe Charon."

I let out a breath, not really knowing how to respond to that.

"Are you trying to say that you're glad I haven't killed myself?"

"Or attempted to, or hurt yourself badly enough to go to the hospital." Travis added with importance. "I don't know how much better or worse it's gotten since this summer, but I know the end of summer really sucked for you. I'd like to hope that it's gotten better, but the also usually gets worse in the winter, and a lot has happened these last few weeks so... I'm just glad you're still here."

I'm not. The thought broke in before I could even think to counter it. But it would physically kill Grover and emotionally kill my parents if they were right about what I would do when they're gone, so...

It's fine. I lied to myself. It'll be fine.

You're not going to cry because somebody said they're glad you're still alive. I told myself. You're going to keep it together because it would be rude to be emotional because of that.

"Yeah." I said to the shorter demigod, and it nearly killed me because I could tell that he saw through it immediately.

I could feel my chest begin to shake, and I tried to tighten the grip of my crossed arms, because if I just keep it all inside...

"Percy?"

As my anxiety and depressed pushed on the bottom of my lungs, I struggled to get anything in or out of my lungs. It felt like the air was moving through honey or molasses— there was movement, but it was painfully slow, and it was heavy.

"Sorry, I... Fine." I insisted, closing my eyes to try and breathe, but failing to do so. "I'm fine."

I can't keep going if there's going to be another episode today.

The thought stopped me, sucking the air out of my lungs like a deflated balloon, because that wasn't my thought.

That was Grover through the mental link.

Do my episodes take that much out of him?

He's never... I know that sometimes he can be a little more tired when I finish having a breakdown or a panic attack, but he never made any comments about it. I always assumed it was because he was worried or panicking while trying to comfort me, and sometimes worrying and panicking can take a lot out of somebody.

Sorry. I tried to project the thought to Grover, but I don't think I had the focus to actually do it. I'll try to not have this one.

But only one issue: my body still isn't letting me breathe regularly and now I feel even more guilty about my mental health and I don't think Travis would believe anything I tried to say right now besides the actual truth.

If I admit the truth, though, I'm going to have a breakdown, and I can't do that now.

"Hey, Percy, do you need help breathing?" But by not being able to breathe, I just accelerated the rate at which I was bound to have this episode at. Frozen, Travis took my silence as a yes. "Do you have any lavender? You're already wearing your comfort sweater, so I'm not sure what else besides lavender that would help without physical contact."

Opening my mouth to tell him that there was a roller stick of lavender oil in the drawer of my bedstand, I may as well have jumped out of the window, because nothing came out. It would've been just as useful.

As the TV static that some would call anxiety began to eat away at my brain, I felt a cold point below my nose before I could start to smell a faint whiff of lavender.

When the TV static subsided and my brain could process its surroundings again, I was on my bed, and I felt like an empty husk of myself.

It wasn't a new feeling by any means— hell, it happened twice yesterday.

But every time I feel hollow, it seems to shock my system. Like I can't process the actual feeling of being hollow.

At least I was hugging my stuffed sea turtle— it's probably the only reasons I couldn't feel any stinging on my arms right now. It's big, so I can't get my hands to scratch my arms when I hold it.

"Percy?" A minute or two after I regained consciousness, Travis broke the silence. He must've said it earlier with no response, though, because he seemed surprised when I shifted in reaction to my name. "Hey, cool, you can hear me. How you feeling?"

I buried my head in the turtle.

"I tried to kill myself last month," I gave him the worst possible answer. The answer nobody actually wants to hear when they ask how you are. "but I think it's somehow just gotten... Worse. Since then."

There was a beat of silence as Travis processed what that meant.

"You were right, by the way," I went on, remembering a specific memory from the end of my first summer. Travis tilted his head. "about long distance. And how it sucks. And it's not even like... Like, he's not even at camp. It's fine when it's just camp because camp isn't that far, but being in Maine or... Or wherever he is, like..."

I pulled my knees in as much as the turtle would let me. Travis frowned.

"We have this mental link, and I thought it would be so nice to have it when things had to be long distance." I admitted to something I've never been able to voice out loud before, because I couldn't articulate it until now. "It gave me comfort to know we had that when Grover got the assignment in Maine, because even if we ran out of drachmas or a weekend trip couldn't be made, we could still talk. We could still easily check in and say hi. And sometimes it was nice, but..."

Resting my head, I looked at Travis Stoll, wondering if he had a sensation similar to this with Connor or not.

"But now I can't have a panic attack without feeling guilty because I know he can feel it," I continued, biting down on my tongue. "He doesn't say anything out loud, but I know my constant breakdowns and attacks and episodes exhaust him, but I don't know how to sever the link and I also don't know how to stop having the attacks because it's... Not that easy."

"Aw, Percy, I'm sorry. That is hard." The more stable demigod said. "How do you know those things if he's never said them, though? You're not just assuming, right? Letting your anxiety assume those things?"

I pointed at my temple.

"Usually I can just physically tell that he's more tired after I come to, but sometimes thoughts get projected when you don't want them to." I explained. "I didn't read too deeply into him being tired until I heard a couple thoughts. They seem to... Really take a toll on him. Even though he's mostly fine, mentally."

Travis raised an eyebrow, seemingly intrigued by the dynamic between Grover and I right now, which is fair.

"And because you know that, it makes you feel guilty and like you can't or shouldn't have a breakdown or a panic attack, even when it's nearly impossible to fight it? So when you fight it, it just makes it worse, and the cycle repeats itself?"

I looked up, surprised by how well Travis put those feelings into words.

"How do you...?"

"Know?" He finished, and I nodded my head. "Percy, you put a lot of effort into telling me you were okay when both of us knew you weren't. Also, I've helped you and a lot of kids in my cabin get through breakdowns. You shouldn't have to feel like you can't have a panic attack, though— have you talked to Grover about it at all?"

I shook my head.

"It's a... Newer realization." I clarified that I wasn't keeping this repressed, I just haven't had the chance to bring it up yet. "I couldn't put it into words until now, so I haven't been able to ask. He only has so many drachmas, though, so... I don't know how long it'll be. Before we can talk again."

Once again, the slightly older demigod frowned.

"He didn't say when he'd try to IM next?"

"Not an exact time, just... He has enough drachmas to make an IM once every other week. And he only left yesterday, so..."

I shrugged.

"It's stupid," I pivoted, not wanting it to sound like Grover was a bad boyfriend, because he's not. He's an amazing boyfriend. "If my brain just like, worked, or if my meds would do their job, this wouldn't be an issue."

When he's here.

And as his own person, Grover is allowed to have goals and dreams and aspirations and he should chase after those things.

But I'm starting to realize that him chasing those dreams means he won't be here. Physically.

And I need somebody who can be here, physically. Consistently.

If my brain worked, this wouldn't be an issue.

But that'll never be a reality I live in.

"Not that..." Before Travis could interject about the phrasing I chose when talking about my mental illnesses. "I shouldn't talk about my subscription to the DSM-5 like that, but I just... yeah. It feels like it's controlling my life right now, and I... Don't know how to stop it. I don't know if I can stop it right now."

"Aw, Percy, I hope your therapist can help you figure that out." The son of Hermes told me, which I appreciated. He didn't try to belittle how hard it's been. He didn't try to insist that I haven't changed because I don't want to or because I haven't tried to. "Do you want to play a game of Uno or something? That or... I don't know what you guys have, but something."

Slowly, I nodded my head.

"We can... Look at the game cabinet." I liked the idea, because focusing on a game was better than focusing on my awful mental health. "We definitely have Uno, but there's some other games as well. Um..."

Debating how to say this, I stood up and carefully set down my stuffed turtle, opting for a smaller shark stuffed animal to carry out with me to the living room.

"Thank you," after practicing it in my head a couple times, I managed to say what I wanted to. "for being so patient and hearing me out and helping me and stuff. I know it can be hard or taxing, and I know you expected me to be sad, but I still had a breakdown in front of you, which feels kind of rude and inappropriate and I'm sorry again."

Travis smiled, putting his hand up like he was going to touch me, but then he reconsidered it, and put his hand down.

"You don't need to apologize for having an episode." He said. "Remember? Because the more you apologize—"

"The more I'll feel guilty when it happens." I finished the statement, remembering what Travis and Michael always told me my first summer when I'd have attacks and would apologize for having them. "I know, I know. Do you want to check out the games we have? I think I'm going to try to IM Grover."

Seemingly surprised by the idea, Travis raised an eyebrow.

"I can do that. You'll be okay in here?"

I nodded.

"I mean, I might feel shitty, but I just had an episode, so I won't have another one." I reassured the son of Hermes, who didn't seem reassured. "the game will give me something to focus on afterwards, too."

"Okay. Just..." Travis stepped part way through the door. "Holler if you need me in here?"

Promising that him and my grandpa would know if I needed anything, I nodded my head once again. Once Travis was out of my room, I set up my small humidifier and flashlight to create a rainbow for the call.

Digging through my drawer, I found a couple drachma (we have a lot of them here between Gabe, Grandpa, and I), and took a breath.

He's not going to be mad. I tried to tell myself. He's probably stressed and tired, but he won't get mad.

"O, Iris, please accept my offering," I recited. "And show me Grover Underwood in the Northeast United States."

Throwing the gold coin in, it took a few seconds before an image of my boyfriend sitting against a tree in the woods came into focus. He looked a little out of it— tired, snacking on a couple of dried strawberries and pieces of silverware.

A pang of guilt snapped at my chest as I realized that I was the reason he was wasting precious hours of daylight having to sit and rest and recharge in a place where he should be at his best— in nature.

Looking for a moment, I could see a look of confusion cross over Grover's face when he realized there was a new presence.

"Where..." He whispered to himself before noticing me in front of him slightly to his left.

"Percy!" Grover exclaimed, and I couldn't tell if his smile was genuine or feigned because of how tired he is. "hey, sweets. Is everything okay? I'm in Connecticut right now. Do I need to come back to New York? Are you okay?"

I attempted a smile, not knowing how believable it was.

He's so sweet.

Too sweet, sometimes.

"Grover, if you come back, they'll probably never give you another job to do, much less give you your searchers license." I pointed out what I felt like was an important note. "Without Nico, that is. Um... I've been better, been worse. I just..."

Pausing, I practiced what I was going to say in my head before saying it out loud.

He won't be mad.

"I know that you have a limited amount of drachmas, so I'm sorry for calling so soon, but I like... Forgot to mention it yesterday."

Grover smiled again.

"It's fine, Percy— if I run out, I'll figure it out. What's going on?" My boyfriend asked, although I could even tell that he didn't have it in him to hear the answer if it was actually something bad. "You're okay? Generally speaking?"

"As okay as it gets," I confirmed the sad truth. "okay, um..."

I looked down.

He won't be mad.

"Is there a way to sever the mental link?" I asked the satyr who created it in the first place. "without one of us dying?"

And, understandably so, the question made him pause.

"Is there... Why do you ask?" Grover asked with a bit of hesitance in his voice. "You're not thinking about...?"

What would I be thinking about for him to be worried about the mental...

"Killing myself?" I finished the satyrs question. "No, no, that isn't... I'm asking because I think the empathy link is making things... Hard. Harder. On both of us. And if there's a way to make it less hard... Yeah."

A wave of guilt still washed over me.

Processing the question, Grover took a while to respond. I watched the initial shock hit him before he seemed to debate something, thinking to himself. A little confused, maybe?

"I mean... Yeah. If you talk to Apollo or Mr. D, they can reverse it. Wh... I know you sort of explained it, but can I ask why? Did something happen? If so, we can talk about it."

I looked down.

"It's just... It's not fair." I tried to articulate to Grover what I said to Travis earlier. "It was good that we had it when we did— it saved your life, and it helped me for a little while, but... I think it's just hurting both of us now?"

"Hurting us? Sweets, how?"

"Do you like feeling every breakdown and panic attack I have?" I tried to point out. "they exhaust you, Grover, and they're only draining you more now because I'm having them so often. And you tell me to not feel bad— everyone tells me to not feel bad for having them, and I don't feel bad that I have them, but I feel guilty because I know it affects you, but you conceal it because you're trying to comfort me, and I appreciate that you care about me, but I... I feel it coming on, and then I feel like I can't have it because if I have one, then we'll both just feel like shit, and then by trying to not have it, the panic attack I eventually have is just so much worse and... And it's not fair to put you through that. Relatively speaking, your mental health is fine. You shouldn't have to basically have anxiety and depression because of me."

Considering my point, Grover gritted his teeth.

"I... I mean, yes, I see your point— I do get like, shockwaves from your episodes. But I don't mind it, Percy. It's not that bad."

That tingly sensation in the back of my mind went off, though. The sensation that tells me when he's lying.

"Grover, we still have the link— it tells me when you're lying." I pointed out. "I'm not mad or upset that you mind it, Grover— I'd hate to have more panic attacks than is normal for me. I hate having panic attacks period. You don't need to go through this."

"Well I..." But he seemed to want to hold onto the link, which I sort of get, but struggled to fully understand. "Okay, I know that. But what happens to us if we don't have the mental link anymore?"

And because I didn't have a good answer, I shrugged.

"We try to be a normal couple?" I suggested. "We didn't get together because of the link, Grover— that just made it easier and helped it happen a lot faster. If we don't have a link, then we IM and we do normal couple things."

"But if you have a breakdown and—"

"Grover I just had a panic attack before I called you— you couldn't help then because it was affecting you. At least this way one of us gets to be healthy."

"You really think it's for the better?"

And I know Grover kept asking these sort of questions because he cared and he was worried about me, but it was beginning to get on my nerves because, with the link in tact, he should be able to easily tell that I'm being honest.

"Yes. I do."

"And if one of us gets in trouble?"

"We figure it out, like we have in the past."

"But what if—"

"What if I don't get better!?" I felt shitty for snapping, but I hated hearing what-ifs because they never end. "What if this is only the start of it, Grover!? I don't know if I'll ever get better, okay? But I'm pretty sure that if we keep this link, it won't get better."

"How do you know, though?"

"I don't!" I admitted, frustration starting to boil over. "I don't know anything, Grover, but I know that right now things suck for both of us because of an issue that can be fixed, and I want to fix it."

"But I..." His voice trailed off. "I liked the reassurance of it. We won't be able to IM for another two to four weeks after this, Perce— how do I know that you'll be okay? That you'll... Be there to call?"

And sure, the wording was different, but the message felt the same: Are you sure? You've done it before. Because you're mentally unstable.

Are you sure you won't kill yourself? You've done (attempted) it before. Are you sure you won't kill yourself because you're mentally unstable?

I know that I don't have a good track record. My medical record can prove that. Anybody that has known me for longer than 24 hours can vouch. I know that.

But I'm trying to make things better.

For the first time in like, weeks, I'm putting actual effort and thought into the idea of doing things that will make me feel less shitty.

But my boyfriend doesn't want me to go forward with it.

Because he doesn't trust me.

Or, he doesn't trust my medication. He doesn't trust my therapist. He doesn't trust my grandpa or my parents or Luke or Thalia or anybody else in my support system.

But that boils down to me.

He doesn't trust me with my own life.

Unlike Travis, though, Grover has a way to guarantee I won't kill myself: create a link with me that would kill both of us if one of us dies.

And while I can't kill myself with the link, I also lose the ability to get better, so it leaves both of us miserable.

"Why wouldn't I be here to call?"

But it's a hard topic, so he doesn't meet my gaze when he says it.

"You... I mean you only got out of the hospital a few weeks ago."

"And I just told you that I wasn't asking about this because I plan on doing anything that would send me back," I reminded the satyr. "I can't believe... I'm going to talk to Mr. D about it. Trust my reasons or don't, but I'm tired of feeling like this. If you're that worried, write me a letter."

"Percy—"

But I was too upset to continue the conversation, so I ended the call.

Walking into the living room, Travis and Grandpa were talking as they played some sort of regular card game, uno dealt and ready to go for the three of us.

"Hey!" Travis perked up when he saw me, patting the seat next to him. "Your grandpa and I were just playing a game of war while we waited for you. How'd the talk with Grover go?"

I shook my head, picking up my Uno hand.

"Are you sure? How do I know you still be there to call in a couple weeks?" I repeated my boyfriend's words, and Travis seemed to immediately connect them to his own. His expression dropped. "Yeah. That was after I tried to explain in like 6 different ways that I think this would be better for both of us. He said he liked the reassurance of it. That I'm okay, that I'm alive. I told him he could write a letter to find those things out— Hermes delivers without an address."

"You... Sorry, pause." Grandpa said. "what's going on? Are you and Grover okay? You guys have never fought before."

Catching him up to speed on what Travis and I discussed earlier while also making my grandpa draw 8 cards, I thought it was cute how he tried to tone down his excitement when I mentioned going to see Mr. D at camp, probably when Travis left to go back.

"And you're right, we haven't fought before." I agreed with his object of concern. "But there's always a first for everything, right?"

•••
Do you guys trust me with the things I may do in this next part? Any thoughts? Theories? Guesses on the word count of this chapter (it's ridiculous)

Anyways yippee new cover!!