*Nikki*

So far writing the album has been really great. Of course, like any other musician, we do hit our bumps in the road while writing songs, but this isn't the first time we've hit them.

Eitherway, though, its annoying as hell.

I was so stumped writing some songs, but sighed as I rubbed my eyes.

Mal's right... I should sleep more....

Its a usual Thursday morning and Mal was going to stop by any minute to help me with some songs before work.

I looked back at the song sheet, frowning at the lyrics on the page.

I knew it all along
I'd have to write this song

Too young to fall in love
Guess we knew it all along.....

I sighed, laying back on my seat before tossing the pencil across the room.

... Why am I bothering with these songs? Should I even put these songs? Its too freaking obvious!

My thoughts are pulled by a knock at the door.

"Nikki, it's me!" Mal's voice called out.

"Shit!" I mumbled, quickly slamming the notebook shut and hiding it under my bed before rushing downstairs.

I walk over and opened the door, seeing Mal there, dressed in her light blue nurse uniform and her leather jacket, her dark hair down instead of pinned up like all the other nurses.

(Picture: Mallory's nurse uniform, along with her current hairstyle - Note: Her hair is mostly pinned up in when working, and she still has brunette hair)

"Hey," she smiled then held up coffee and a doggie bag from Dottie's Diner. "I bought us breakfast. Your favorite."

"Awesome," I smiled. "Come on in."

She nodded and walked in.

Like before, Mal helps us with songs whenever we're stuck with any. She helped a lot with Dr. Feelgood and also Same Ol's Situation, which so far is her favorite.

"So, Vince tells me you've been having some trouble with some songs," she said.

"Yes, and before I'm reprimanded, 7 hours last night, thanks to a glass of warm milk," I said, sarcastically.

She chuckled with an eyeroll. "I am just making sure you're well rested."

"I know," I laughed as we headed to the studio room.

"Alright, so, Time for Change is almost done, but I keep feeling like something is just missing," I said as we entered and help pull her jacket off for her. "And don't even get me started with Sticky Sweet. Mick is so close to ripping his hair out over the chorus, and... Keep having this feeling T.N.T. has to have the chorus rewritten and-"

Mal just stated to softly laugh and I looked at her in confusion.

"What? What's so funny?" I asked.

"I forget how funny it is when you ramble," she said. "Its cute."

My eyes widen at her words and I immediately feel my cheeks glow red.

"D-Don't say I'm cute," I stammered, and she laughed.

"I meant it in a good way, Nikki," she said, handing me the coffee. "Sadly, now I feel I should have gotten you tea instead, you need to relax."

I sighed with an eyeroll as I took the cup.

"Look," she said. "The album is going good. You and the guys have been working really hard on it ever since we were all discharged, you especially. Hell, you wrote the first part of Kickstart not long after you left detox, and it was amazing."

"Ugh, you kidding? Vince can't even sing the title of the song without sounding like Steven Tyler's having a damn stroke," I groaned.

"Come on, you know Vince always has his flair, and you can still tell what he's saying anyway," she said. "Alright, look, you're already almost done, aren't you? Let me see the track list."

"Uhh, yeah," I said, looking through the papers nearby, then found it before handing it to her. "Here."

Mal took it and looked through the list and furrowed her brows. "Hey, Nikki... You said the album was going to have twelve songs, right?"

I shrugged. "Yeah, why?"

"There's only ten slots here... Are you still working on the other two?" she asked, showing me the list.

I froze and my throat immediately went dry, sweat starting to form behind my neck.

"Uhhh..... Y-Yeah," I said. "Tommy wanted to give it a try in songwriting, actually, so he's doing his parts at home."

"Oh, alright," she nodded. "Well, Sebastian actually suggested me an idea. Listening to your old songs or your favorite albums can help brew new, revamped ideas. It's helped him before."

I thought about it and nodded. "Huh... Okay, yeah....." I said, feeling the wheels in my head turn. "Hey, we can also look through old song notebooks, I still have a box of upstairs, some of them may be yours, too, I think from the move. I can go grab them."

"Great!" she said. "I'll look through the albums and tapes and you go get them."

I nodded and headed out the studio and upstairs to find the boxes.

*Mallory*

I watched Nikki head out and then looked over at the shelf of records and vinyls.

I walked over and decided to look around, then pulled out Theatre of Pain

The album didn't exactly get the greatest reviews, but it had its perks in my opinion.

I looked through the pamphlet inside, seeing the lyrics and messages, then getting to the dedications.

This album is dedicated to the fond and loving memories of Nicholas "Razzle" Dingley, and again to the young and the young at heart and to those who stuck with us through thick & thin.

I smiled sadly at it, softly running my fingertips across Razzle's name.

I still stay in touch with the boys from Hanoi Rocks, who have been doing well with their own projects. They had split shortly after Razzle was buried.

Michael has even visited me in rehab once while he was in town. I had also told him as well as Razzle's family about the miscarriage and my condition, which shocked and saddened them, but they weren't mad I kept it from everyone, understanding why I had to.

We all also agreed to keep this amonst ourselves and away from the press.

I often still think about Razzle, sometimes I'm left wondering how things would be today if he survived the crash.

Maybe we would have actually left to London... I'd join him and Hanoi on tour across Europe and the U.S...... Probably would have gotten married.... Maybe our baby would have survived the odds... Would we have had a son or daughter....?

Looking back, however.... Would there have been real happiness? I would have still ran away, left behind my Los Angeles family.....

... Is there even real happiness now?

I sighed, shaking the thoughts from my head, closing the pamphlet and putting it back in the sleeve before putting it aside.

I kept looking through more vinyls and pulled a T.REX album, too, as well as some cassette tapes when I came across a strange one labeled in Nikki's handwriting.

"Y.A.I.N." DEMO

"Hmm..." I said, curious.

I wonder what this is...

I then went over to the stereo, turning it on before I popped the tape into the player and pressed play.

The music started and I froze as I recognized the song playing.

https://youtu.be/zgcUQD82OiI

(Video: Mötley Crüe "You're All I Need" Audio)

I knew this song... The song Nikki played as an apology that night... Before I decided to live with Razzle in London....

"Fuck..." A voice said and I turn to see Nikki stood there, the box of notebooks in his hands, looking scared.

"I-I'm sorry, you weren't supposed to find that one," he said, dropping the box and quickly rushing over to the stereo and trying to turn it off. "I-I know you hate that song and-"

"Wait wait wait, Nikki, stop," I said, holding his arm to stop him as I frowned, making him look at me nervously.

I pursed my lips and paused the music.

"I never said I hated the song..." I said, looking up at him.

He looked at me confused. "Wait, you... You don't?"

I shook my head. "No... Nikki, the song, it... I love it... I always did...." I said softly, with a tiny smile.

He frowned in confusion as he looked down. "You ran away...."

My smile fell and I looked down. "I did...."

It was quiet as I looked up, seeing Nikki looking down, his hair covering his face.

I reached up and gently move his hair aside and held his face in my hands.

"I ran away because in that moment... I wanted to give you that chance... Come back to you, start over with you... But the fear of what happened to me, it was still there... That's why I ran...."

He pursed his lips.

"It wasnt fair to you when I ran... None of what I ever did was..... I'm so sorry," I said as I looked down.

He let out a soft breath before pressing his forehead against mine, his hand gently resting on my cheek as his other arm coiling around my waist to pull me closer.

"It wasnt your fault... You were scared after I hurt you, and I put you on the spot, you had a right to run.... Mal, I'm the one whose sorry..." he said.

I looked up at him before I reached up and pulling him into a hug.

He took a deep breath and hugged me back tightly.

What happened to us?

I remember asking Nikki that question the night in the closet, when we both hit rock bottom.

Now, its like I'm asking that to myself.

We got better. We got clean. We forgave each other. Things between us are great, probably better than ever.

Hell, its like the beginning, when we first met at the diner and it was just the five of us living in our crappy little apartment, playing small shows and getting into harmless trouble from time to time.

I sighed as I rested my head on his chest, feeling his heartbeat against it, and immediately feeling my body relax in his arms.

This never happened with Razzle, or now with Sebastian.....

I felt him hug me closer, his hand softly rubbing my back as I let his heartbeat soothe me.

What happened to us? Why did we let fear overcome us and keep us from starting a new page together?

I sighed quietlt as I soon pulled away.

I shouldn't think like this. I have Sebastian now, who I should be grateful for. I should consider myself lucky that after everything that Nikki and I can even still be friends. This is my new life.

"Uhh... W-We should get started, I-I have to be at work at 1:00," I said, looking at my watch. "I can help with Sticky Sweet."

He gulped and nodded. "Umm, yeah," he said nervously as we got to work.

I guess sometimes we just can't always get what we asked for...

~~~~~

First update of 2020!! 🤗🎊

Hope everyone had an amazing New Years! 🎉🎆

I have a lot planned for 2020, so stay tuned! Be sure to follow my instagram @officialbloodsapph for news and updates!! 🖤🌻

🎧 Currently in Sapph's playlist:

My Chemical Romance
"Famous Last Words"

https://youtu.be/8bbTtPL1jRs

♡~ sapphire.