⚠️Warning: chapter contains scenes depicting depression and suicide attempts. If affected, please proceed with caution.⚠️

~~~~~

*Nikki*

To say I was livid was an understatement...

Its been days, and news of Vince's departure spread like wildfire and it hasn't been easy.

Mal has hit an even worse depression than before.

Honestly, I can't blame her. Vince was like a brother to her. They've been so close ever since they met. He looked out for her and she did the same for him. She's even the godmother of his first child, and after this.... God, I can't even begin to imagine what's going through her head.

If anyone is suffering worse from this, it has to be her.

At her request, she asked we keep what really happened that day between ourselves. We agreed, but weren't too happy about it nonetheless.

I walked into the bedroom and see she was in bed still, curled up under the covers with Jack nearby comforting her.

He's grown pretty quick already, but still thinks he's puppy size.

"Mal...." I murmured, walking over to her.

She looked up, her eyes bloodshot from crying. Her bruise was going away, thankfully, and despite make up covering it, she has avoided any press to raise any suspensions. Luckily at work, she just made up some credible story of tripping on a raised tree root and falling face first while walking Jack in the park, in case anyone asked why her lip was busted.

"Do you want me to stay with you?" I murmured.

She sniffled and nodded.

I walked over and crawled under the covers, pulling her into my arms as she curled up close to me, pressing her head against my chest to ease herself.

I stroked her hair as Jack curled up next to me on my other side.

"I don't hate him...." she suddenly said.

I looked down at her.

"I know what he did was wrong, and I am as upset and angry as you are..... But... I don't hate him.... I'm trying to, but I can't..... I don't think I can do it....." she asked, then looked up at me. "Is that bad?"

I frowned slightly, then sighed. "Truth?" I asked. ".... No... I don't think so..... You two have history, have been through a lot together.... Between you and me, it would honestly in a way surprise me if you actually did...."

She sighed and laid her head back down.

"What's gonna happen now?" she asked quietly.

I sighed. "... I wish I really had an answer to that question, Mal... Even if I forgave him, which I don't know if I can, I don't know if he would want to come back...."

She shifted a little bit as I continued.

"I suggested we hold off for a bit, cool our heads, and then.... Then I guess we find a new singer," I said.

She looked up, a sad look in her face. Her bruise was kind of purple still, but her lip looked better.

"It won't be the same..." she said sadly in a hushed voice.

".... I know..." I answered quietly. "But there's not much we can do...."

She quietly took a deep breath.

"I know you're mad at him, and you have every right to be.... Please... Please don't have hate towards him...."

I frowned as she looked up at me, gripping my hand.

"At least for me.... Please," she pleaded.

I looked down, contemplating.

"... I won't hate him.... But that doesn't mean I'm forgiving and forgetting what he did...." I said.

She nodded quietly and just nuzzled into my neck, hugging me and playing with the ends of my hair.

"How are you feeling?" I asked.

She frowned. "About this or in general?"

"Whatever you want to answer..." I said.

She sighed. "Tired.... I feel so, so, so tired, and I wish meant it in a physical way....." she admitted.

I looked down at her, understanding what she meant.

"I am so tired of going through the same bullshit over and over and over and over again," she said in a shakey but angry voice. "If I'm not losing Razzle's baby, I'm losing yours.... If its not your parents popping up out of no where causing trouble, its mine.....If we're sober and upset, we break edge one way or another and are still upset..... If you and I aren't at each other's throats, then its me and Vince, its just this stupid, endless cycle of pain and loss and stress that has no end, and I am so fucking sick of it!! When does it just end!? When does it just stop hurting us all!?"

"Mal, Mal, stop, stop it, calm down," I said, holding her shoulders as she panted and held her temples. "Calm down... Breathe.... Just breathe..... Look at me...."

She took a few deep breaths, regaining her composure as tears streamed down her face and she looked up at me.

"Why us? I know we've each done our share of mistakes and sins and bullshit, but.... Was it all really that bad... Bad enough to have us all suffer like this for so long?" she asked. "How long is this even going to go on?"

I frowned. "I wish I knew...."

She sighed as I carefully wiped her tears away.

"He lost his reputation..... He lost Sharise.... He's probably gonna lose Skylar..... He lost his band...... Would he be okay?" She asked.

I sighed. "I really don't know....."

I pulled her into a hug, rubbing her back as I comforted her, softly murmuring lyrics to Without You to her.

"Nikki...." she suddenly whispered.

"Hm?" I murmured, looking down at her.

".... I'm sorry.... I'm so sorry I lost Angel....." she said. "If I never did, none of this would be happening right now, and...."

"No, hang on a second...." I said sternly, tilting her her head to make her look at me. "Do not do this to yourself.... Losing Angel was not on you, and neither was Vince quitting.... None of this is your fault, Mal.... Don't do that to yourself... You hear me?"

She sniffled quietly and nodded her head softly as she looked down and I held her, her head resting on my chest.

This woman has endured so damn much.... Yet how she's even still in one piece is a fucking mystery....

She never deserved all the shit she's gone through. She cares so much for the people she loves and more, always wanted to help people, and no matter what she is always beat down, broken and treated worse than garbage.

Aside from my grandparents, she's the only real good in this world...

I sighed and pulled her closer to me, stroking her hair as she started to doze off.

Whatever happens next, I can only hope that at least she doesn't get hurt anymore....

*Vince*

Fuck.... Fuck.... FUCK!!!!

I screamed as I threw what must have been the 4th vase I got ahold of against the wall and fell against the carpet, grabbing my hair from the roots.

HOW COULD I FUCKING DO THAT?! WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH ME!?

That was my best friend since Day fucking One and I fucking backhanded her!!!

This woman is practically another sister to me!! My daughter's godmother!!!

I grunt and scream as I kicked a nightstand near me down, everything spilling out.

I then noticed something poke out from under some papers and frowned.

I slowly reached over and froze.

The gun... the one MJ almost killed herself with...

I gulped as I slowly reached over and took it, holding it in my hands.

The image of MJ holding this to her head almost 6 years ago is forever burned to my mind... That was the scariest night of my life, much scarier than her first attempt.

She looked so fucking broken and ready to pull that trigger..... It was like she was silently begging me to leave the room that night before I managed to talk her out of it.

"V-Vince, it hurts...... I-I need to do this... I'm tired... I-It hurts so bad......... "

"....... I-I just want it all to stop..... I-I can't do this anymore..."

I looked at the gun in my hand, leaning against my bed give out and just sat on the ground and gulped as the words from that night flooded my head.

"I-I just want i-it all to end...I-I just want it to end....!"

"..... I'm tired... I-It hurts so bad......... "

I frowned, staring down at the gun.

Maybe.... Maybe MJ had the right idea that night.....

Maybe if I let her.... She'd be in peace now... She wouldn't be suffering at all....

She wouldn't have almost lost Nikki.... She wouldn't have been at risk of being locked in an asylum.... She wouldn't have had had her mom extort her for money.... She wouldn't have ever lost Angel.... I wouldn't have ended up hurting her.....

.... She would have also never lost Razzle... Or her first kid would have even had a chance....

She wouldn't have gone through all this shit if she never met me.... It really is all my fault.....

MJ was never the curse.... I was.... All this time.....

Before I could even process anything else, MJ's voice suddenly screamed in my head.

"Think about Skylar!"

I gasped as I suddenly came to my senses and froze when I realized the barrel of the gun was connected to my temple.

I quickly pulled it back, setting it on the ground before quickly backing up.

What the hell?! What the hell was I just about to do?!

I shook my head, knowing immediately what I had to do and quickly grabbed the gun.

***

I cut the engine of my car and stared out into the lake.

So many memories here in this lake. We were celebrating the release of our very first album here with a bonfire.....

>flashback, 1982<

"INCOMING!!!" Tommy screamed as he suddenly lifted MJ up and threw her over his shoulder.

"T-BONE, PUT ME DOWN!!!!" MJ screamed as I looked over, laughing as Tommy sprinted over the docks, me behind him as Nikki chased us along with 2 other girls Tommy and I bought, Tammy and Sissy, who worked with MJ at the strip club.

Tommy then jumped off with MJ still on his shoulders as she screamed and they both splashed into the water.

I burst out laughing as I jumped in with Nikki while Tommy and MJ resurfaced, soon so did we.

"FUCK!!" She screamed. "ITS SO FUCKING COLD!!!"

We all laughed and cheered as Nikki wrapped his arms around her and we continued to swim around and act like idiots, the girls sitting on our shoulders and trying to knock each other into the water, my date winning, before we decided to have enough swimming and make a bonfire by the shore.

We all popped some LSD and snorted some blow while making some smores.

MJ laid against Nikki's chest between his legs as she stared into the fire, all dazed, then holding her hand up.

Tommy rested against a log with Sissy and

"Weird...." she murmured.

"What?" I asked, laying on my back as Tommy sat near me after getting another bottle of Jack from the cooler.

"The fire... Its dancing...." she murmured.

I looked over at the fire for a while before we ended up laughing.

"You are so high," I laughed as she curled up closer to Nikki and looked over at me.

She smiled hazily before reaching over and petting my hair weirdly.

"I am.... But you..... You..... are a Barbie," She said, trying to sound serious but just giggled.

I snickered as everyone laughed.

"Definitely. I am fucking FABULOUS!!!" I shouted out loud, all of us laughing.

"In your dreams, dude," Tommy laughed. "You don't even have boobs!"

"Wait!" Sissy suddenly perked up. "I have a way to get him boobs!" she said.

Nikki looked at her weird. "How?" he asked, then gasped. "Wait, are you a witch?!"

She laughed then stopped. ".... I don't think so....."

We burst out laughing as she spoke.

"We get him a bra!!" Sissy said.

We all looked at her. "Sissy, you are a genius!" Tammy smiled.

"We don't have a bra, though...." Tommy said.

"Oh yes we do," MJ smirked, and then sat up and next thing I knew she pulled her bikini top off, and we all cheered and laughed on as she tossed it to Tammy and had her wrapped it around my chest, getting the straps through my arms.

"All hail Barbie Neil!!!!" Tammy screamed.

"ALL HAIL BARBIE NEIL!!!!" we all screamed as we all started to scream and cheer while I danced like an idiot and made funny poses

We snorted some more lines and that's when things started to get even crazier.

We all started to lose our clothes, throw zombie dust at each other, making out with each other, mostly the girls, and it was all just a complete chaos as we chanted, screamed, and danced around the fire.

The rest of the night was a total blur, and then the next morning Mick woke up and found us all around the fire pit, naked and hungover before waking us up and having us get dressed before heading back home for breakfast.

>end of flashback<

I looked down up in frustration.

So many memories like that....

Happy ones.... Crazy ones.... Sad ones....Fucked up ones..... So many fucking memories..... More than ten years worth of them....

Now that's all down the drain.....

I grabbed the gun from the passenger seat and climbed out and walked over to the empty docks.

I then looked down at the gun, reading the message on the grip that MJ had engraved for Nikki.

You are my safe place.

I sighed, looking up at the lake.

Did MJ ever even have a safe place to begin with?

Her whole life has been one tragedy after the next, and she is such a good person.... Why is it always the good people?

I sniffled as I looked down at the gun again.

Things took a different turn... One we all never wanted...

I took the magazine out, emptying the bullets out onto the ground before slipping it back and then taking the gun and throwing it as hard as I could to the water, sending it flying far, almost to the middle of the lake, down to the depths where no one can ever find it.

I then got the bullets and one by one started throwing them into the water, too, until they were all gone.

I took a deep breath as the sky was getting dark with another storm and the wind was blowing my hair everywhere.

This may not fix jack shit.... But hey, at least I tried.... Right?

~~~~~

So, since reading The Heroin Diaries, I learned a lot, and SOMEHOW had already knew about Sikki Nixx without realizing it and somewhat indirectly had him included in the story already in a way (the "demon" in Nikki's nightmares.)

Could I be a psychic? The world may never know lmao 😂🤷🏻‍♀️

... or would they?? Or would I?? Hmmmm.....

Lmao, regarding that, though, I made a few small edits to chapters 53, 59, & 72 for it. 👍🏻

Also, I am so heavily sleep deprived, and very close to saying "fuck it"and downing an entire bottle of melatonin vitamins. 🙃🙃🙃🙃🙃🙃

🎶 Currently in Sapph's playlist:

YUNGBLUD "Die A Little"

♡~ sapphire.