I almost lost it
I'll heal eventually
But faster if you're next to me, next to me
I'm codependent
But tryin' hard not to be
I'm better when you're next to me
Full machine

♠️♠️♠️

Lizzie was pacing back and forth in her silk pyjamas trying to get a hold of Simon, she even called Rebecca his sister asking her about him and she was also worried about him claiming he'd been acting different and weird lately

"Listen, Eric this is urgent, are you sure you haven't seen him?" She asked one of Simon's friends who had been desperately trying to flirt with her for two years but failed miserably

"No but I can ask around for you" he told her trying to impress her, she wasn't but she appreciated it

"That would be lovely, thank you" she hung up with a frustrated sigh as a knock sounded on her door. She walked towards it opening it and as expected it was her fiancé

"I've been trying to get a hold of Raphael but he isn't answering" he informed getting inside her room as she closed the door "If he indeed drank a vampire's blood then he isn't safe out there"

"Kai... if anything happens to-"

"Hey!" He walked towards her grabbing both of her shoulders gently as she looked at him with glassy eyes "We will find him, I promise. Just breathe"

Lizzie took a deep breath trying to not let worst case scenarios overtake her minds, Kaiden shamelessly checked her out and he felt like an asshole doing so. She was vulnerable and yet he still admired her beauty because she was the only one he truly found divinely beautiful

"I forgot to tell you, I heard back from the Silent brothers... the wedding is in two days" he informed her with a sigh "I thought we'd have to wait 'til this weekend"

"It's not like we weren't expecting it" she said sitting down on her bed with a helpless look "To be honest Kai... I'm scared of everything, the shadow world, this marriage, my mental health... everything"

"You have me, you know that right?" He asked with nothing but sincerity in his eyes making her nod

"Thank you for having my back, Kai" she smiled softly as he sat down next to her, he intwined their fingers together with a nod

"You know I don't care about the mortal cup, I don't care about any of this, to be honest" he told her with a careless shrug and she frowned deeply "But believe it or not, I do care about you and sometimes... I- I'm afraid I will put you before my duty"

Lizzie was wonderstruck, speechless and just dazed. She knew at some point that this was strictly business and they would file a divorce after a year but him admitting that it could be more made her crave the forbidden. Maybe that what all Kai was- forbidden, untouchable

He leaned down closer until their faces were few inches apart, he could see it in her eyes, he wanted her to give in. He placed his hands on her neck as their mouths were so close to each other's, the panic she was currently feeling was irrational, he leaned even more closer, close enough for a kiss

He bent down and leaned his forehead against hers and they both closed their eyes as if like they were going to savor the moment, she placed her hand in the back of his neck pulling him closer for a kiss. She felt butterflies in her stomach as their lips brushed but they hadn't kissed yet, she brushed her fingers across the back of his neck.

All of sudden an high pitched alarm sounded all over the institute made them pull apart instantly as Kai stood up. He caught her eyes for a moment and he searched for any kind of regret in them but it was none, only hesitation and fear

"As much as I appreciate your outfit, you have to wear something else or you'll catch a cold" he told her before exiting her room.

Lizzie closed her eyes placing her fingers on her lips, they almost kissed- keyword was almost and she knew sooner or later they both gonna give in to their dark desires and lines would blur. Things might get ugly at the end and her heart was on the line, she wasn't sure if she was ready to risk it

♠️♠️♠️

Lizzie rushed to the OPS center to find Alec, Ben and Kaiden talking but immediately went silent when they spotted her. She walked toward them with a frown, she didn't know what triggered the alarm but it must've been something related to downworlders or the circle

"What's going on? What triggered the alarm?" She asked them curiously making her brother and fiancé share a look "You're scaring me, what's going on?"

"Betty... it's Simon" Ben decided to break the news to her and her face dropped

Lizzie ran downstairs to where they took Simon only to find him lying in the table with a book under his head propping him up. She stumbled back in disbelief with a gasp not daring to get any closer to him

"The vampires were not behind this." Raphael continued defending himself "Just Camille. She attacked Simon on her own."

"Lizzie" Clary's voice cracked looking back at her sister who went and wrapped her arms around her tightly. She ought to be strong for her, for both of them

"And how do we know you're telling the truth?" Kaiden questioned coldly, he knew that Raphael would do anything to not get punished by the Clave

"I could have gotten rid of him, but instead I brought him here." The vampire retorted before glancing at Izzy who had her arms crossed around her chest with a hard glare "I don't want trouble with the Shadowhunters."

"Smart decision."

"I warned the mundane to stay away... but Camille gave him a taste of her own blood, and like an addict... he came back wanting more." Raphael told them making Jace scoff at the audacity as Lizzie shared a look with her fiancé, he did mention that earlier

"The only reason Simon ever tasted Camille's blood is because of you." Clary snapped as tears streaming down her face making Lizzie pull her back "You kidnapped him! You drug him to Hotel DuMort. You-You delivered him to Camille!"

"I never meant for this to happen." Raphael honestly said and Kaiden eyed for a moment trying to read his body language, though he knew at some point he wasn't lying but he could never know

"Simon. Simon, please come back, please!" Clary sobbed looking down at her best friend expecting him to wake up, or she would wake up from a nightmare. Lizzie hadn't let her go, she still held her tightly

"There is a way." Raphael suggested making both sisters look up instantly

"'A way' what?" Lizzie spat with a hard look as Kaiden narrowed his eyes at the vampire, he hoped he wasn't suggesting what he was thinking about

"A way to bring Simon back."

"You can do that?" Clary asked hopefully with a desperate look

"How?" Lizzie asked with a curious frown, though slowly hope was starting to build inside her but she knew better. Hope was dangerous, especially to the weak

"How?" Clary's voice cracked

"He's a fledgling." Raphael explained from where he was sitting as he moved his gaze to Lizzie and Clary "It's a state of transition. Your friend can be resurrected."

"No." Kaiden and Jace protested at the same time with a warning tone

"Lizzie, Clary, no" Isabelle objected as well making Lizzie look around trying to understand why no one wanted to bring Simon back

"So I could have Simon back?" Clary stammered ignoring her friends warning but somehow Lizzie didn't, as much as she wanted him back she needed to hear why they didn't want Simon to come back

"Alive and breathing?" Lizzie questioned skeptically

"That's just it." Izzy exclaimed shaking her head in denial "He won't return alive or breathing. He'll be a vampire."

"Oh God" Lizzie gasped placing her hand on her mouth as tears started to gather in her eyes again, all the hope started to demolish once again

"And not the sexed up, romantic kind." Jace turned his attention back to Raphael with a disgusted glare "The ugly, bloodsucking, coffin-dwelling kind."

"I think I'll be sick" Lizzie closed her eyes briefly, she couldn't imagine a world without Simon. She couldn't also make that decision for him, what if he hated being a vampire? He'd hate her for it

"That's offensive." Raphael commented leaning back

"Really?" Jace was ready to fight, everyone could see that as Kaiden just remained silent. He just watched Lizzie's reaction to all of this, if she wanted Simon back, he'd help her get him back

"Coffin implies wooden box." Raphael corrected with a smirk making Lizzie roll her eyes "We have caskets now. They're made of 14-karat gold."

"My bad." Jace tsked sarcasm lacing his tone

"It's almost sunrise. Simon must be turned into a vampire tonight or staked through the heart." The vampire told them pushing himself up on his feet

"And if we do neither?" Clary questioned looking at her sister who's eyes were focused on Simon, she was trying so hard to keep herself from breaking down and she wasn't sure if she'd be able to hold it

"His soul will be trapped for eternity." He replied staring at the sisters who were both clearly torn "You have till sunset to decide. The clock is ticking."

"Clary look at me" Lizzie demanded with a firm tone as she cupped her sister's face between her hands "We can't do that to Simon, we can't turn him into a vampire, alright?"

"But we can still have him-"

"Hate us? What life would he have as a vampire? Lurking in the dark, can't be close to us or his family without feeling the urge to kill us, do you want that for our best friend?" Lizzie's voice cracked as she wiped away her sister's tears "We can't do that to Simon, we can't"

"Lizzie is right" Jace agreed with her trying to make Clary see reason

♠️♠️♠️

Lizzie and Kaiden were in his office as she was leaning against his desk, she knew something was going on with her best friend and she didn't prioritize it, instead she told him to come to the institute as she left to get the cup

"So what do I have to know about this envoy from the Clave?" She asked with a tired tone as Kaiden stood in front of her, their bodies were so close, almost touching

"Don't worry about that, I have it under control" he assured her softly placing both of his hands on her shoulders to comfort her

"Just distract me, I don't want to think about it" she told him wiping away her tears. He noticed the way she held her sister, the way she tried to be there for her but somehow he couldn't help but feel like he needed to be the one to hold her when no one was there. Because all those years, she only had herself

"Lydia Branwell is... something for sure" he tried to think of a way to distract his ex fiancée "She acts like my grandmother, she's trying to impress her but she's really good at her job, I'll give her that... she's exactly what my grandmother wants as the head of the institute"

"And daughter in law, I presume" she commented with a scoff and Kaiden only wrapped his arms around her waist as he stood between her legs

"It doesn't matter" his tone was low but husky making her break hitch "I chose you, Elizabeth... you"

"I just hope someday you won't regret it" she said meeting his baby blue eyes making him sigh before kissing her forehead gently and she closed her eyes wanting to savour the moment

"How could I?" He replied against her skin as she placed her hand on his chest, she wanted to feel him, to know he's there. He'd be there for her.

She didn't wanna fall in love with him but it was happening, fast and scary. It felt awful

All of sudden, the door bursted open but Kaiden remained in his place, he didn't move as he sighed in annoyance. Lizzie on the other hand tried to push him away from her "Oh" and unfamiliar voice exclaimed

"To what do we owe the pleasure, Lydia" Kaiden greeted with irritation

"I was told you'd be here" she said with a fake smile making Kaiden pull away from his fiancée who's face was red "You must be Elizabeth Lightwood"

"Hi" Lizzie greeted forcing a smile as she pushed herself off the table straightening her shoulders

"Me dê um segundo, amor" Kaiden told his fiancée but his eyes were still on Lydia. Lizzie could tell there was a tension between the two, she just hoped nothing would happen to him

"Estarei do lado de fora" she replied with a small smile before looking back at Lydia whom eyes never left Lizzie's fiancée.

"You both speak Portuguese, lovely" Lydia bitterly said shifting her gaze back to the Lightwood young woman who ignored her by walking past her

"She's a Lightwood for sure" Lydia commented when Lizzie slammed the door shut behind her "So you broke our engagement because of her, Kai... really? Her?"

"No" Kaiden denied coldly "I broke our engagement because I knew I wouldn't be able to be faithful to you and you know how much loyalty means to me"

"How can you be sure she'll be loyal to you?" Lydia asked him with a raised eyebrow "If you indeed knew her for two weeks then how can you be sure?"

"Lydia, why are you here? Sure not just to question me about my engagement"  Kaiden crossed his arms around his chest as he stared at her blankly "My wife"

"Your grandmother sent me because clearly someone need to maintain balance in this place and as you know some shadowhunters had been interfering with downworlders business lately, you know anything about that?" She asked pacing back and forth with a pointed look "Or should I ask your fiancée, sorry wife?"

"You and me both know why my grandmother sent you here and not because someone need to maintain balance here, the Lightwoods and I are doing a fine job"

"Until Clary Fairchild and you fiancée showed up" Lydia scoffed facing him with a challenging glare

"Whatever you're here for Lydia, it won't happen. Just go home" he told her with a defeated look and she stared at him for a moment. She knew that even if they did get married, it would only be business

"I'm here on a mission, Kai" she said softly "I will be gone the second your grandmother say I should. I don't want to be here as much as you don't want me to"

Meanwhile Lizzie went to Izzy's room and knocked on the door and after couple of seconds her cousin opened the door with a frown before it faded when she saw her face "Come in"

"Thank you... I met Lydia and I don't think she like me" Lizzie stated before sitting on a chair with a sigh "I'm literally doing everything to stay distracted while Clary went to talk to Elaine and Rebecca"

"Well, you're beautiful" Izzy pointed out and it wasn't a compliment just an accepted fact "And you're marrying her ex fiancé who is a Herondale"

"They were engaged?" Lizzie gasped with a disbelieved look. She felt kind of betrayed when Kaiden didn't mention that earlier, when she brought her up.

"I- I thought you knew"

"I didn't and to be honest, they make more sense that he and I do" Lizzie sighed softly making Izzy give her a look "You can't tell me you don't see it too"

"Honestly, no I can't... Kai don't need someone to worship him. He needs someone to challenge him and humble him too. His ego needs some serious hits" Izzy scoffed with a smirk "And Lydia isn't going to do that so he broke their engagement but everyone thinks she did... he didn't want to embarrass her or make her feel... I don't know, worthless. So he blamed himself"

"She's beautiful too and... just because he didn't wanna marry her doesn't mean she's worthless. She'll find someone who'll love her more than he ever could" Lizzie smiled looking down at the floor, her mind couldn't help but drift back to Simon

"Am I awful?" Lizzie asked her with teary eyes and Isabelle knelt down grabbing both of her hands "For not wanting Simon to be a vampire? I just know he'll hate it"

"No, no" Izzy shook her head in denial as her eyes softened "You are being thoughtful and selfless... you're right, this life isn't easy for everyone and being a vampire could... he could hate himself forever"

"I don't want to say goodbye to him" she said as tears streaming down her cheeks freely. She let out a sob before covering her mouth causing Izzy to wrap her arms around her tightly

♠️♠️♠️

Later on Ben informed his sister that Alec, Lydia and Kaiden went to Jade Wolf because a Forsaken attacked it. Lizzie wore a mask and gloves before putting on a white medical gown before going to the examination room

"Lizzie, I might need your help" Izzy called with a smile. She really was trying to help distracting her until Clary call her with an update

"I'm still a student but yeah I can help, I suppose"

Lizzie and Isabelle spent the whole afternoon together examining the Forsaken until Clary sent her sister an address. Without a word, the brunette rushed out of the institute to where her sister had asked her to come. It wasn't far from the institute

"Clary, tell me... tell me this isn't real." Lizzie heard Simon's demand with a shaky tone "Tell me this is not really happening!"

"Simon" Lizzie breathed out with a horrified look before looking at her sister in shock

"I'm sorry. I'm sorry, I'm so sorry!" Clary cried as she looked at him pleadingly. She couldn't lose him, she couldn't live without him

"Eliza... please tell me this isn't real. Why would you allow that" he cried desperately wanting an explanation and she looked away letting out a sob "I'm... I'm... I'm repulsive!"

"No, please..." Clary stuttered shaking her head in denial, Lizzie couldn't even talk "Please don't say that, okay? You're still the same, Simon. You're the same Simon I've known my whole life. The same guy who... loves sci-fi. And who can recite every line from... from every Nicolas Cage movie. The same Simon who carried me over the Brooklyn Bridge when I lost my shoe, okay? Listen..."

"No, Clary, I'm not!" He snapped at her

"Yes, you are, Simon!"

"You are the same Simon! You are my best friend!" She yelled as tears streaming down her face freely

"I'm not. I'm nothing more than a monster."

"Simon" Lizzie's voice cracked with a pleading look "You're-"

"Stay away!" He warned her when she tried to get closer to him "Please just... stay away."

"Simon!" Clary called out after he was so quick to disappear before she looked around meeting her sister's eyes

Raphael sighed "I'll look after Simon. You have my word."

"What did I do?" Clary broke down after Raphael disappeared as Jace hugged her tightly as she sobbed against his chest "What did I do?"

Lizzie went back to the institute to ask Kaiden to help her find Simon but she was greeted by Chaos. Alec was on the floor so was her fiancé and a Forsaken, she rushed towards Kaiden in concern

"What happened?" She asked him kneeling down next to him worriedly and he sighed in relief at the sight of her

"Forsaken had angel blood" he explained with a groan making her pull up his shirt to see his injured abdomen making her gasp before glancing at Alec

"You're alright?" She asked him with a frown and he nodded trying his best to not show his pain

"Yeah" he said as Isabelle helped him to his feet as Ben was quick to check on his cousin before walking towards his sister and best friend

"Help me, we need to take him to the infirmary" she said wrapping one of his arms around her shoulders and Ben did the same "We can use an Iratze, right?"

"We need to clean the wound first, it's deep" Ben said before glancing at his best friend "I can stitch your wound"

"I want your sister to do it" Kai told him looking down at Lizzie who shook her head in denial "I know you can, I trust you"

"Okay" she breathed out as he lied down on the bed, Ben helped her gather all of the necessities she'd need for sanitizing his injury before kissing the side if her head

"You can do this" he whispered with a small smile before leaving the engaged couple alone as he dismissed everyone in the room. She wore her gloves and looked at him, he simply nodded and there was no doubt in his eyes, he did trust her

"You stitched your own injury" Kai told her as she helped him take off his shirt, she swallowed thickly before nodding "Tell me what happened with Simon"

"He's uh... he's a vampire" she said numbly as she wiped away the blood from his skin gently trying her hardest to not touch the wound. Kaiden was trying to distract her when he brought up Simon, he didn't want her to only focus on him

"He's with Clary and Jace?"

"They're looking for him, he ran away... I didn't even know that Clary decided to turn him into a vampire, you know? Kai, you didn't see the look on his face, he was destroyed" her voice cracked before shaking her head in denial "It's just you and Alec, right?"

"Yeah" he confirmed with a nod and she remained silent. She started stitching his wound and he didn't even flinch or move, she would look at him from time to time and he seemed calm and collected

"What are you thinking?" He questioned softly tugging a strand of her hair behind her ear and she didn't look at him "I'll help you find the mundane"

"He's not a mundane anymore, he's a vampire" she corrected blankly just when she was done, she took off her gloves and pulled out her stele "Where's your Iratze?"

Kaiden sat up slowly before holding his right arm for her, with a sigh she ran the stele over his rune and the wound wasn't healing completely but it was better. He noticed how she avoided any eye contact with him

"Thank you" he smiled at her softly and she nodded

"Try not to be hard on your injury or else it won't heal and possibly get infected" she warned him staring at his wound "I'll get Ben to help me find Simon just rest. I'll be fine"

"What is it, Elizabeth?" He grabbed her hand when she was about to walk away making her close her eyes briefly "What have I done?"

"Why didn't you tell me that you and Lydia were engaged?" She asked him finally meeting his baby blue eyes "Why?"

"I didn't want you to doubt this- us" he told her honestly knowing that her insecurities might get the best of her especially that his grandmother didn't want her from the first place

"But there's no us, no matter how much we try to lie to one another, there's no us after a year we'll file a divorce and we'll go in our separate ways" she stated with a frustrated look "It doesn't take a genius to know why Lydia is truly here"

"I don't care!" He snapped raising his tone and for the first time, Kaiden was showing his anger "I don't care why she's here, I don't care that my grandmother is plotting God knows what! We are getting married tomorrow whether she likes it or not. I chose you, for God sake, Elizabeth! Doesn't it count for something?"

"I have to go look for Simon" she said averting his gaze knowing damn well if she look at him, she wouldn't be able to hold her tears

♠️♠️♠️

Me dê um segundo, amor: Give me second, love

Estarei do lado de fora: I'll be outside