Chapter Twenty-Two;

The weeks of the holidays (it wasn't much of a holiday, in any case) blurred together, making Seohyun feel like she was drifting through a horrible, awful nightmare.

She stayed in her assigned quarters as much as she could without it being suspicious. Her trunk arrived from Ravenclaw tower, and she kept herself busy by painting and drawing. For once her focus wasn't on scenes or people, but abstract concepts: paint splattered across a page in red and orange to represent her frustration, making the page look like it was bleeding; swirls of blue and black cloud for her loneliness; her fear portrayed through green with undercurrents of grey and brown. She incinerated her paintings when she finished, so as not to leave any clues lying around.

Her art was therapy: a chance to lash out with all her emotions. Art used to be her escape. Now it was a coping mechanism.

When she did leave her rooms, Draco was always by her side. He kept his promise never to leave her alone and, when he was around, Seohyun felt stronger. On her own she was a fish out of water; with Draco nearby she could slip into the role she was supposed to. He knew what it was like to live like this. 

Seohyun at first stayed in the shadows, keeping her artist's eye peeled to analyse every interaction, every offhand comment, every jokes and every stance. She noted their postures, so self-assured and arrogant, the way they walked, like they owned the world. Seohyun adopted these habits and made herself more prevalent, acting like she actually was proud of the horrid mark imprinted on her skin.

Every action sickened her and made her disgusted with herself, but it had to be done. This was the only way she could survive. Though every time she forced herself to laugh at the idea of torturing Muggle-borns (Hermione's face kept cropping up whenever this happened), act like the murder of Charity Burbage was a good thing, and the fall of the Ministry was an occasion to be celebrated, not feared, Seohyun experienced a rush of the deepest self-loathing.

That was during the day. At night she stayed hauled in her room, where she let everything go. Draco came in to see her, and made no comment if she was crying, slashing paint across a canvas, punching her pillow or pacing while running her hands through her hair. 

Instead he'd approach her, take her hands, hold her or just sit beside her. In her own time Seohyun would lean against him, rest her head on his shoulder, or start a soft conversation. Sometimes he'd reassure her with gentle words, other times he'd give her a chaste kiss on her lips.

His presence was the only highlight in her otherwise dark life. Nights became day: it was the time she felt warmth and solace in the solitude, when she could finally take off her mask and be Park Seohyun again. Days were as cold and empty as the night; a time where she was drowning in her own cold guilt and self-hatred.

"I will get through this," she told herself, every time she woke up and went to sleep. "I am strong. Stronger than the mark on my skin. I am Park Seohyun and I. Will. Endure."

It wasn't much, but it gave her courage and a small boost of confidence.

She believed she could handle anything that was thrown her way. She could smile at Death Eaters like old friends, laugh at acts of cruelty while swallowing back bile.

That was, until the day before September 1st and she had to return to Hogwarts, when she was once more summoned by You-Know-Who himself.

"You'll be okay," Draco said, as they hurried once more to the dining room. "You've fooled him before. You can do it again.

They came to a stop before the doors. Seohyun stood on her toes and pecked him briefly on the lips. "I know. I'm not worried." With a wink she squared her shoulders, straightened her back, and put on her mask as she pushed open the doors with a flourish.

She hated to admit that she'd spent so much time around You-Know-Who and the Death Eaters that his face no longer made her flinch, yet she didn't even blink as she strode into the room, smirked, and bowed. "You wished to see me, my Lord?"

Saying that term made her want to rinse her mouth out with soap.

"Ah, yes. I have a mission for you." He rose. Seohyun suppressed a shudder and looked him directly in those red slits for eyes.

I am strong. I am Park Seohyun and I. Will. Endure.

"You will be returning to Hogwarts tomorrow, and you  will act as our spy. You hold the trust of those who could oppose us. We can use that to our advantage to report on their movements."

Seohyun felt her stomach drop like a stone.

Yet she made herself smile and say, "That's a solid plan, my Lord."

"Alecto and Amycus Carrow will be joining the teaching staff. You will report to them on a regular basis."

"Of course."

You-Know-Who dismissed her with a wave of his hand. Seohyun bowed again and left the room, her limbs trembling.

Draco pushed himself off the wall as soon as she exited. "What does he want from you?"

Tears threatening to spill, Seohyun told him in a low voice. As soon as she finished, Draco her hand and pulled her to her room.

As soon as they were inside, Seohyun collapsed against the wall. Her knees gave way beneath her and she fell to the floor, her knees at her chest. She buried her head between them and sobbed.

"Hey," Draco said, placing an arm on her shoulder. "It'll be okay. Lie to them. You don't have to betray your friends."

"I know." Seohyun wiped her eyes. "But confronting them with this mark on my skin, with the task to spy on them... I feel awful. I hate it. So much."

Draco hugged her. "We'll find a way to get through this," he told her softly. "I promise."

+++

Seohyun's nerves were like a colony of ants crawling through her body when she arrived at Platform Nine and Three-Quarters.

She'd enter on her own, as though the blemish on her skin had never existed. Draco pulled her behind a corner. His parents assumed he was giving her final instructions, when instead he pulled her into a final hug.

Seohyun allowed herself to tremble in his arms. She wasn't going to deny it: she was scared. Terrified, even. The slightest slip-up could mean imprisonment for herself, for Draco, for her friends.

And that was the best-case scenario.

Draco cupped her cheek. "It's just another year," he told her. "I'll be there if you ever need to talk about anything.

Seohyun smiled. "I know, Draco."

She kissed him quickly before she departed and walked onto the train station, through the barrier to Platform Nine and Three-Quarters.

Seohyun hunched her shoulders as she walked and ducked her head, trying to make herself as small as possible. She passed weeping parents holding their children in the tightest of grips, younger siblings holding onto the hands of elder ones and begging them not to leave, and students shooting looks over their shoulders and delaying their moment of departure as long as possible. Seohyun flinched, and wondered how her parents were faring. How had they reacted when she didn't return home? Her heart ached just imagining it.

Her arm burned something fierce. Seohyun clutching it with her opposite hand, as though that could diffuse the glow. She felt like she was walking around with a sign flashing over her head, screaming: cannot be trusted! Traitor!

She didn't deserve to be there, amongst those who were suffering, when she belonged to the enemy.

How could she bear to look at Luna in the eyes again? Padma, Terry, Anthony? And though she knew Hermione would not be there, it made tears well in her eyes to imagine confronting her after everything she'd said the past few weeks – even if it had been against her will.

Seohyun scurried along, attempting to remain unnoticed. However she was still noticeable as one of the few girls of Asian descent in the school: she was bound to be recognised in time.

"Seohyun!"

Seohyun closed her eyes. Oh, no. Not now.

Seohyun tried to smile, to appear as natural as possible. "Padma!"

Padma scampered to her side and threw her arms around Seohyun. Seohyun choked, the breath pushed from her lungs. Padma's arms were like iron bands.

"Seohyun!" Padma gasped. She pushed herself back and cupped Seohyun's face within her hands. "Oh Merlin's beard, are you alright? Harry – he told us, you followed everyone, and Malfoy Stunned you – took you with them – I was so worried! I felt sick! How – how are you here?"

Her words were like a torrent of rapid water. Seohyun closed her eyes and allowed a single tear to slip down her cheek; a tear of guilt, of love, of utter sadness.

Seohyun shook her head and lowered her eyes. "I was only taken because I had seen too much. That no longer matters considering... considering recent events. To complete my education, I was returned." She drew in a shaky breath. "I was kept locked away – I didn't know if I would ever see beyond those walls again."

The fear wasn't all fake: every day, she had been terrified that those monsters would discover her true loyalty. The Manor, as lavish and luxurious as it had been, had been cold and dark and felt more like an actual prison as she wasn't just trapped within a building, but within her own body, suppressing her true self or risking death.

"Oh, my dear." Padma hugged her once again. "I am so sorry – and after you trusted Malfoy so -"

"I know. That – that is what I regret most of all."

Padma squeezed her hands. "Let's get on the train before he shows his slimy face. I know Luna was most anxious after you. Terry and Anthony could barely sit still out of anxiety."

Seohyun smiled weakly and followed her friend on to the train.

Her entire arm felt as though it was on fire.

Traitor traitor traitor traitor –

The train was crowded as usual, but somehow, it felt empty. No one ran up and down the corridors, no one lingered in the corridors to talk, no one was laughing or yelling. There was simply no life or happiness in the place. Grim seriousness settled over the students, and fear replaced joy.

Seohyun hated it. She kept her head bowed as she shuffled along. She thought every stare was accusatory, like they could see through her robes to the new ink emblazoned on her skin.

"Here we are," Padma said, in front of one compartment. "There are people here who wish to see you."

They wouldn't if they knew how I spent my summer.

Yet Seohyun smiled and whispered, "All I wish is to be reunited with my friends."

Padma smiled and opened the door.

"Seohyun!"

Sets of arms found her instantly, crowding around her, different voices assaulting her ears and different hair colours. Seohyun gasped as Luna squeezed her, as Terry pounded her on the back, and Anthony lifted her off her feet. When they parted two familiar faces approached: Ginny Weasley and Neville Longbottom. Seohyun wasn't close to them, yet they beamed and gave her warm hugs and asked after her wellbeing.

The whole time during the exchange Seohyun ensured her sleeve covered her arm, hiding it from view.

I'm so sorry, everyone. Their welcome only made her feel worse.

Seohyun took her seat in the compartment, wedged between Terry and Luna. Her heart skipped a beat and she kept her arms folded in her lap.

"We're not just accepting them, are we?" Anthony asked, all business. "I'm not going to let Snape walk all over me."

Ginny winked. "You're right, Anthony. We have a plan already in motion."

As they described the plans to revive Dumbledore's Army, Seohyun clenched her fists and thought back tears.

She was supposed to report all of this. Betray them. But Seohyun knew she never would, even if it could cost her freedom. She'd give her life rather than betray her friends.

Still, the mere knowledge of what she was supposed to do made her sick to her stomach.

She closed her eyes.

I am strong. I am Park Seohyun. I Will. Endure. This.

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