100 Simple Secrets of the Best Half of Life
troduction: Thinking About Your Future ix
1. Happiness Is Not an Accident 1
2. You Must Approve of Yourself 3
3. Keep Going 5
4. Try Something New 7
5. You Still Are Who You Were 9
6. Happy Looks for Happy 11
7. The Mirror Will Be Kinder 13
8. Fun Is Not Over 15
9. See the Beauty Around You 17
10. Never Retire from Life 19
11. Have Time for Thoughts 21
12. Turn Off the Bad News 23
13. Express Yourself in What You Do 25
14. You Are Not Old 27
15. Money Cant Buy Happiness 29
16. The Only Requirement Is Embracing
the Lack of Requirements
31
17. Keep Your Fears in Line 33
18. Sign Up for Everything 35
19. Be Decisive 37
20. Believe You Can 39
The 100 Simple Secrets of the Best Half of Life
21. See the Real Pay in Work 41
22. Know Your Health 43
23. See a New Way 45
24. Avoid Generational Competition 47
25. Respond to Stress 49
26. The Best Life Needs No Trophy 51
27. The Future Can Be Brighter Than the Past 53
28. Stay in Control 55
29. See Beyond You 57
30. Transitions Can Be Both Happy and Sad 59
31. Embrace Challenges 61
32. Get Away from It All 63
33. Live Beyond Your Family Model 65
34. Life Gets Easier 67
35. Volunteer for Yourself 69
36. Never Give Up 71
37. Get Out of the Car 73
38. Dont Gamble Your Future 75
39. Find a Physician You Like 77
40. Who You Are Is Not Just What You Do 79
41. Foundations Shift, but Life Stands 81
42. Share What You Know 83
43. Discuss Your Worries, Then Dont Dwell on Them 85
44. It All Looks Better over Time 87
45. Keep Relationships on Level Ground 89
46. Adapt 91
47. Make Home Home 93
48. Dont Let Irritation Be Louder Than Joy 95
49. Geography Does Not Limit Family Life 97
50. Vote 99
iv
The 100 Simple Secrets of the Best Half of Life
51. Forgive 101
52. Eat for Nutrition, Not for Compensation 103
53. Were Happier Older Than Younger 105
54. Each Part of Life Must Function 107
55. See the Person, Not the Label 109
56. Laugh Your Way to Answers 111
57. Exercise 113
58. Feed and Cultivate Friendships 115
59. Communicate on Their Terms 117
60. Remember to Care for Yourself
119
When Caring for Others
61. Be Careful Choosing Home Associations 121
62. See Around Career Roadblocks 123
63. See a Kid, Be a Kid Again 125
64. Stretch 127
65. Let Old Secrets Stay Secrets 129
66. Listen to Your Favorite Music 131
67. Practice Maintenance for Life 133
68. Call Town Hall 135
69. Pay Attention to Nonverbal Communication 137
70. Wash the Dishes 139
71. Be Open to a New View 141
72. Love Evolves but Can Stay Strong 143
73. Use a Computer 145
74. The Youngest and Oldest Like Work the Least 147
75. Compromise What but Never Who 149
76. Your History Strengthens Your Future 151
77. Share Your Home 153
78. Honor Your Spiritual Beliefs 155
79. Wear Many Hats 157
v
The 100 Simple Secrets of the Best Half of Life
80. Put Stuff in Its Place 159
81. Seek Meaning 161
82. We Never Outgrow Jealousy 163
83. Cherish Your Heritage 165
84. Share Your Fun 167
85. Pay Attention to Your Dreams 169
86. All the Time Is Too Much 171
87. Regrets Hold Us Back 173
88. See Your Goals 175
89. Give the Gift of Yourself 177
90. Boredom Is the Enemy 179
91. Redefine Career 181
92. Travel the Stable Road 183
93. Its Less What Happened
Than What Happened Next 185
94. You Define Success 187
95. Never Stop Learning 189
96. View Your Life as a Choice 191
97. Make Your Mark on the Next Generation 193
98. Why Not Be Optimistic? 195
99. Theres No Deadline for Your Dreams 197
100. Do It Now 199
Sources 201
About the Author
Cover
Copyright
About the Publisher
vi
Acknowledgments
My thanks to Gideon Weil, Miki Terasawa, Claudia Boutote,
Stephen Hanselman, and the many good folks at Harper-
SanFrancisco who have worked with me on this book, and to my
agent, Sandy Choron. They have helped to make this book a more
useful tool for readers, and I offer them my sincere appreciation.
A Note to Readers
Each of the one hundred entries presented here is based on the
research conclusions of scientists studying the lives and habits of
people in their fifties, sixties, seventies, eighties, and above. Each
entry contains a key research conclusion complemented by advice,
together with an example that illustrates the conclusion. The
research conclusions I present in each entry are based on a meta-
analysis of research, which means that each conclusion has been
derived from the work of multiple researchers studying the same
topic. To enable the reader to find further information on each
topic, I have included in each entry a reference to a supporting
study. And at the end of the book I have provided a list of sources on
happiness over the course of a lifetime.
vii
Introduction
Thinking About Your Future
Nearing retirement after three decades of teaching elementary
school students in Ohio, Cathy Martin was thinking a lot about her
future. She thought about her plans and priorities for the next
phase of her lifewhere she would live, whether she should work
part-time, and where she might travel.
And, to the disappointment of a number of her fifth-grade stu-
dents no doubt, her thoughts led her to what seemed an interest-
ing and valuable essay assignment. What, she wondered, did her
students imagine for their lives when they were in their fifties, six
-
ties, and beyond? Cathy thought the idea of looking many decades
ahead in their lives would interest her students and encourage
them to think about how their education would contribute to their
futures.
In reading the essays, Cathy learned a number of things. One
thing is that almost everybody is convinced we will have some kind
of spaceship car that doesnt need wheels and just flies wherever
you want to go, Cathy reports.
The second thing is how much they focused on the action of
life. They wrote less about having terrific accomplishments and
more about actually doing something terrific. They wrote less
about having a stack of money and more about having fun. They
ix
The 100 Simple Secrets of the Best Half of Life
wrote less about wanting to have an easy life and more about want-
ing to have what you might call a full life.
We adults live our lives with starts and stops, Cathy says. We
start working, we stop working, we start something else. Instead of
seeing lots of endings and beginnings, the students saw continu-
ation. They saw a far-off tomorrow as a continuation of today.
Nobody wrote about stopping what they wanted to do. Nobody
wrote about doing things they didnt think were valuable.
And the students, in writing about the far-off future, were
future oriented even about that subject. They had plans for
moremore action, more achievements, more life, she says.
They live in a world where a seventy-seven-year-old man has been
an astronaut. They dont see fifty or sixty or seventy as the end of
anything at all.
Cathy noticed an absence of negatives in their essays as well:
Nobody focused on disappointments or grudges. And, fortunately,
nobody foresaw themselves fifty years later lamenting all the essays
their fifth-grade teacher made them write.
Cathy took away a lot from the perspective of her students.
They see themselves as hopeful, excitable, forward looking, and
taking action, Cathy says. They were without dread, without
lament, without surrender. And even if they are a bit unrealistic
about life, isnt that a wonderful way to approach getting older?
Cathy resolved to take those lessons to heart, especially as she
examined her attitude toward whats next in her own life: I see my
future now more as a step forward instead of a whole new begin
-
ning. And I hope I can live up to the expectations of my students
for their future livesexcept for the part about the space cars.
And in many ways, Cathys lessons from her students echo some
of the most significant research conclusions scientists have drawn
regarding happiness over the course of a lifetime. As I conducted
x
The 100 Simple Secrets of the Best Half of Life
the research for 100 Simple Secrets of the Best Half of Life, read-
ing studies about the habits and practices that contribute to a
satisfying life, I found many examples of the great importance of
attitudes, perspectives, and a willingness to act. Each entry in 100
Simple Secrets of the Best Half of Life presents a core research
conclusion, an example of the conclusion, and the basic advice
experts recommend. I share these findings here for Cathy and for
all of you, so that you can use the best scientific information we
have to thrive in the best half of your life.
xi
1
Happiness Is Not an Accident
We have strategies for most things in our livesfrom work, to
games, to how to get home from town two minutes faster. But we
leave some of the most important parts of our lives, like our happi-
ness, to chance. Happiness is not like height; you dont just get a
certain amount and then have to live with it. Happiness can be
improvedif you know what you are doing and what you are not
doing, and you care to change.
For Patrick, it started with a request from a neighbor. The
neighbor had played the part of Santa Claus for several years, cre-
ating a tradition of a visit from Santa to all the children in the
neighborhood. But one year, Santa had a cold and asked whether
Patrick could take over for him that day.
Patrick donned the suit and passed out candy canes and good
wishes to all the neighborhood children, calling them each by
name and convincing them he was for real. When I put on the
suit, I actually felt like Santa Claus, Patrick says. It was a truly
magical feeling.
1
The 100 Simple Secrets of the Best Half of Life
When the old Santa saw how much Patrick enjoyed the job, he
told Patrick he would be happy to let him take over. Patrick saw the
potential for sharing some joy with others and expanded the reach
of his duties from his neighborhood to area hospitals. Sick chil-
dren would light up when they saw me, Patrick recalls. I would
sit with them, and they would smile from ear to ear. It was such an
honor to be able to bring them a good feeling like that.
Over the years the Santa suit wore out and Patrick upgraded to
a top-of-the-line model the kind they use at the really good
malls, he explains.
Patrick has been playing Santa for so long now that hes begin-
ning to see the children of the children he saw as Santa when he
first started out. But Patrick has no plans to find a new man for the
suit. Santa never retires, he says.
Researchers found that the majority of the subjects they
studied were not able to identify anything they had done
recently to try to increase their happiness or life satisfac-
tion.
Frijters 2000
2
2
You Must Approve of Yourself
You can make the best plans in the world for your life. But no
action, no accomplishment, no outcome will offer you ultimate ful-
fillment. You must offer yourself complete, unconditional approval,
regardless of whatever takes place in your life.
Two of Freddy Johnsons good friends have gone on to become
famous and well-paid head coaches in professional and college bas-
ketball. Freddy coaches boys high school basketball on a far smaller
stage, for a far smaller paycheck.
Far from being jealous of his friends or disappointed in himself,
Freddy celebrates their successes and his own. He saves newspaper
clippings about his old friends and keeps them in his office for the
players he coaches and his visitors to see.
And Freddy never doubts the value of having spent almost three
decades teaching and coaching the game. Its amazing where
some of the guys I know are now, he says. But Im happy where I
am, too. I wouldnt trade it for the world. Freddy has coached
3
The 100 Simple Secrets of the Best Half of Life
teams that have won more than six hundred games and a half
dozen state titles.
Freddys fellow high school coaches admire his willingness to
keeping learning. He never stops soaking up basketball knowl-
edge, says one colleague. Theres always a game to watch some-
where, another insight to be gained. But most of all, his peers
admire his willingness to surround himself with good people. As
the colleague puts it, Head coaches always want to be the domi-
nant force on their team. No one else should know as much as they
do. No one else should question decisions that are made. But
Freddy seeks to be around the best assistants in the game because
he has the self-confidence to surround himself with talented people
and to take their success as something he, too, can be proud of.
Those who considered themselves a success were 25 per-
cent less likely to feel anxious about their lives, 14 percent
less likely to be selfish, and 45 percent more likely to say
they enjoyed their lives.
Chamberlain and Haaga 2001
4
3
Keep Going
Its hard to get much done one little step at a time. But its impos-
sible to get anything significant accomplished without going one
little step at a time. The capacity to continue, to move forward
despite obstacles, becomes even more important as we age. Even
though there may not be projects at work or deadlines to face, the
need to fight through obstacles and move toward your desired out-
come serves every part of your life.
Just out of medical school, Dr. Robert Lopatin was working
hundred-hour weeks as a first-year medical resident. Unlike other
residents, who often drew skeptical looks from patients wondering
if the residents were really old enough to be doctors, Robert seemed
to inspire a calm confidence. In fact, not a single patient ques-
tioned whether he was old enough be a doctor.
It could have had something to do with the fact that he was
fifty-five years old.
As a boy, Robert had imagined himself as a doctor. But when he
was in school his father asked him to join him in a new clothing
5
The 100 Simple Secrets of the Best Half of Life
business he was starting. And for almost three decades, Robert ded-
icated himself to the business.
But when his father sold the business to a competitor, the newly
unemployed Robert knew exactly what he wanted to do with his
time: go back to school. After trying several areas of study, he real-
ized that his desire to be a doctor was still as strong as it had been
when he was a boy.
At age fifty-one Robert began studying at the Albert Einstein
College of Medicine in New York City. He was older than most of
his professors. He was even older than the school itself. But he felt
completely at ease. It took a lot of imagination to do it, but once
I undertook it, it just felt so right, he says. I felt I was home
again.
Dr. Lopatin now practices in New York. And he encourages oth-
ers to keep going, even if they didnt quite get where they were
heading when they were younger: When youre older, once you do
make a commitment to something, theres more purposefulness
and theres more joy.
People in their sixties and beyond who had a long-term
plan to accomplish something were 31 percent more
likely to report that they enjoyed their lives.
Wallace, Bisconti, and Bergeman 2001
6
4
Try Something New
We are often leery of new thingswhether theyre as important as
a new job or a new direction in life, or as trivial as a new product in
the supermarketbecause we are comfortable with the old and
familiar. Give yourself a chance to try new things. They wont
always be what you want, but its unlikely they wont ever be what
you want.
Lisa knows its not the typical path. Most people, when they
graduate from high school, dont ever want to come back, she says.
Instead, the sixty-something mother and grandmother decided to
return to high school, as a substitute teacher, four decades after
she graduated. Substitute teaching was just the thing to give her
some variety in her life while still leaving her with free time.
Lisa says she likes the idea that every day is a little different and
holds something new. And I feel needed, she adds. I fill a void.
Its my contribution to the world.
Interacting with different generations also is energizing for her:
I really like young people. They give me a fresh outlook. I like to
7
The 100 Simple Secrets of the Best Half of Life
do anything the students do. In math, which is not my strongest
subject, I have great respect for their knowledge. And I learn new
things in the process. Its exercise for my brain, and its a joy.
I think Im a student at heart. I have an insatiable quest for
knowledge, reviewing what I studied years ago and learning new
material and then teaching it. Its a great way to learn.
Sometimes when I get home from school my friends ask,
When are you going to stop that foolishness? But its not foolish
-
ness. Its fun.
Those over fifty who showed a high degree of resistance
to change were 26 percent less likely to feel optimistic
about their futures.
Caughlin and Golish 2002
8
5
You Still Are Who You Were
Pick up an article about advertising and demographics, and you
will learn that to some industries, the only people who matter are
no older than forty, or thirty, or even twenty-five. There is no
shortage of cultural bellwethers suggesting that we are most inter-
esting and useful when we are young. Its almost as if we come
with an expiration date for cultural relevance. As arbitrary as these
notions are, we can arm ourselves with the best defense possible
against feeling out-of-date. In truth, we are every age weve ever
been. We have all the experiences of a forty-year-old, a thirty-year-
old, a twenty-five-year-old within us. Let yourself think about all
that youve known and done, and, far from feeling out-of-date, you
will feel even better about who you are today.
She had spent her career in education, teaching and eventually
serving as a principal. In her spare time she had served countless
community groups, from the Boy Scouts to Habitat for Humanity.
But Rebecca Adams felt she could do more for her community.
9
The 100 Simple Secrets of the Best Half of Life
Shed never done anything like it before, but at the age of fifty-
seven, Rebecca decided she wanted to run for city council in her
hometown of Chesapeake, Virginia.
Against the advice of local political experts, she entered the field
of fifteen candidates, all seeking one seat. Nobody out and out
said, Youre too old, she recalls, but people said things like Is
this really what you want to do with your time and energy at this
point? And I said yes.
People think you should slow down when youre staring sixty
in the face. But you dont have to slow down if you dont spend
your time thinking about turning sixty. We
all have the same
10,080 minutes in a week, Rebecca says. We can spend them wor-
rying about getting old, or we can do something more productive
with them.
Though she very much wanted to win the election and serve her
city, her expectations were modest. I honestly thought I would
finish seventh or eighth, Rebecca says.
She ran her campaign with no experience and little money but
with lots of hard work. And she won. Now, with a seat on the city
council, she has her mind firmly focused in one direction. Weve
got to decide what we want to look like in the future, Rebecca
says, referring both to her hometown and to its people.
Those who strongly identified with their current age be-
came 2 percent less satisfied with their lives with every
passing year, while those who infrequently thought in
terms of their age showed no such negative trend.
Reis-Bergan et al. 2000
10
6
Happy Looks for Happy
If you are convinced that things are bad, you will notice many
unpleasant things and unpleasant people. If you are convinced that
things are good, you will notice many pleasant things and pleasant
people. Understand that every one of us selectively perceives the
world around us. We see far too many things every time we step
outside the door to focus on all of them. You can get all the sup-
porting evidence you want, regardless of whether you start today
determined to think the worst of the world or determined to think
the best.
The breeze comes in softly as the sun sets. Chris looks out, and
as far as the eye can see stretches the calm blue ocean. In the dis-
tance, ships passing miles out from the coast come into view. Chris
works at a Florida lighthouse. He knows every inch of the place,
exactly how everything works.
Chris came to the lighthouse after serving for more than two
decades as a New York City firefighter.
11
The 100 Simple Secrets of the Best Half of Life
He wasnt on duty on September 11, 2001, but he raced into
lower Manhattan to try to serve. Reaching the Twin Towers after
they had collapsed, he found a devastated area that looked like a
war zone. The ash and smoke were overwhelming.
It was spooky, Chris says, because there were fire trucks every-
where, but no firemen. Only later did he realize the nature of the
devastation suffered by the fire department, including the loss of
one of his closest friends.
He mourned, feeling survivors guilt and slipping deeper into
gloom. Everywhere in the city, even in his home, were reminders
of that day. He left the departmentnot to forget, but to find
another way.
Chris and his family decided that a move to Florida was the
right thing. Now he takes solace in adjusting to the rhythms of a
new work routine, meeting new neighbors, and doing some of the
things you can do in Florida that you just cant farther north, like
going kayaking in January.
Researchers who studied peoples level of interest in and
attention to strangers found that people who were sad
spent 35 percent more time focusing on strangers who
looked unhappy than on strangers who looked happy.
Gotlib et al. 2004
12
7
The Mirror Will Be Kinder
How we feel about our bodies has a lot to do with how we feel
about ourselves. Whether we see ourselves as strong and capable,
even whether we see ourselves as kind and competent, is related to
our personal body image. The good news is that, contrary to the
widespread fear that we will be less and less pleased with our bod-
ies as we get older, we actually become more positive about them.
We begin to see character where we once saw only flaws. We begin
to see strength where we once saw only weakness. We begin to see
ourselves where we once saw only the image of what we thought
we should look like.
In 1999, a womens group in Rylstone, England, decided not to
continue featuring pictures of well-kept landscaped grounds on its
annual fund-raising calendar. Instead, members of the womens
group, ranging in age from forty-five to sixty-six, posed in the buff
for the calendar.
Sales of the calendar, which in previous years the group hoped
would bring in two thousand dollars, that year amounted to more
than one million dollars for leukemia charities.
13
The 100 Simple Secrets of the Best Half of Life
Interestingly, the calendar sold well with both men and women.
Women thought it was a tasteful and fun celebration of womens
bodies. And men responded to the depiction of what they consider
to be real women. As one man said, How wonderful to see real
women instead of stick insects with pouty lips and pipe cleaners for
legs.
The calendar and its participants later inspired the film
Calendar Girls.
As sociologist Ann Morgan argues, Whether posing nude is a
giant step forward is no doubt a whole other debate. But in claim-
ing and proclaiming their bodies for themselvesand, by exten-
sion, for othersthese women have made a very positive gesture.
The notion of a beautiful body image must be understood not for
the exclusivity of beauty, but for its variety.
People become about 1 percent more likely to hold a pos-
itive image of their bodies with each year of age after
forty.
Reboussin et al. 2000
14
8
Fun Is Not Over
Fun is for young people. They have the time, they have the oppor-
Those may be common assumptions, tunity, they have the ability.
but none are true. Though the source of fun and happiness may
change over the course of our lives, our ability to have fun and our
interest in doing so are in no way reduced as we age.
Seventy-four-year-old Jack McKeon has spent nearly all of his
adult life involved in major-league baseball. He has run teams from
the dugout and from the front office.
In 2003, he was out of baseball. I wasnt retired, he says, just
in between jobs.
Then, two months into the baseball season, the Florida Marlins
called. They needed a new manager who could turn the teams for-
tunes around. Immediately.
With no hesitation, Jack took the job, becoming the third-oldest
manager in baseball history.
He found himself surrounded by ballplayers younger than his
grandchildren. But he had no fear that he could no longer relate to
15
The 100 Simple Secrets of the Best Half of Life
young players. In fact, being around these guys has made me a
young kid again, Jack says. I feel so young, I quit using my senior-
citizen discount at restaurants.
Jack still has a serious competitiveness and work ethic that
motivate him to show up at the stadium ten hours before a game.
And he expects his players to share that drive. But he never lets
himself or his players forget that baseball should be fun. He says,
If you are happy and relaxed, you thrive. If you are a tense perfec-
tionist, this game will break you down.
Jacks team hardly broke down: he led the Marlins to a World
Series victory in 2003.
Studies have shown that each additional enjoyable activ-
ity that people over fifty engage in per month increases
their likelihood of life satisfaction by 2 percent.
Cameron 1972
16
9
See the Beauty Around You
It could be a flower. It could be a work of art. It could be the great-
est pass youve ever seen a quarterback throw. Whatever it is you
appreciate, take time to truly see the things that inspire you. Take
time to fit them into your life every day. There is beauty in the
world around you, however you define it, and wonder, awe, and
inspiration are the elixirs of life.
David gave his wife roses on their anniversary. But he saw them
from a whole different vantage point than most people.
Looking at the flowers in a vase, the amateur photographer
wondered what kind of picture he might be able to create if he took
an extreme close-up of a single perfect rose petal. He positioned his
camera only inches away from the flowers and created a photo in
which one petal fills the entire frame.
When he saw the developed photo, he was excited: The close-up
has the effect of distorting what you are looking at. If you didnt
know it was a rose petal, you wouldnt immediately recognize what
17
The 100 Simple Secrets of the Best Half of Life
it was. When it becomes abstract like that, I think, it reveals a dif-
ferent kind of beauty than what you had with the entire flower.
Although he wasnt sure others would appreciate the photo, he
submitted it to an art show, and it was accepted. I thought, They
cant possibly be interested in it, David recalls, but they saw
something in it.
David dedicates most of his photographic efforts to nature
scenes. Nature photography, he thinks, is a more creative process,
one that requires him to really stop, soak in his environment, and
hone in on the beauty in it.
And, he adds, unlike people, seldom do trees complain that
you didnt get them from a flattering angle.
Those who said they regularly took notice of something
beautiful were 12 percent more likely to say they were
satisfied with their lives.
Isaacowitz, Vaillant, and Seligman 2003
18
10
Never Retire from Life
Regardless of when you retire, your first priority in retirement
must be to activate yourself. Retirement can be anything from the
greatest celebration of life to a dreary bore, depending on the per-
son. Those who allow themselves to wallow in retirement tend to
lose focus, finding the hours impossible to fill. Those who are in-
vigorated by retirement embrace the possibilities newly available to
them, finding themselves doing as much as they did while work-
ing, or even more. Retirement is freedom, but freedom is useful
only if you do something with it.
Jane Pauley was in front of the cameras on the show and
Today
Dateline for more than twenty-five years. Then she retired from
television.
Despite the appearance that she was escaping televisions pres-
Dateline, I did
sures, she never intended to go very far. When I left
not know what I was going to do. I knew I was going to do some-
thing, and I knew it was time to do something different. I did not
want to retire from life, Jane says.
19
The 100 Simple Secrets of the Best Half of Life
She sought work that reflected her passions and interests:
What Ive learned is if Im going to work, to be its best, it had bet-
ter be work I choose.
Jane spent months working on a memoir of her life in television
that had been lying around unfinished in her study. And she began
planning a new talk show. She describes the more than a year she
spent planning the show before it went on the air as being like a
fifteen-month pregnancy.
Janes talk show is a step away from the news programming she
spent her career in, and for the first time, she is working in front of
a studio audience. Jane says the new format is both a great chal-
lenge and a source of inspiration: I dont think I understood how
important working with an audience would be to me. I love it. I
take chances because I know the people in the audience want to
see something different and real. I chose to do this show because,
even with the pressures, it fits who I am, what I do best, and what I
want to do at this point in my life. Ive discovered Im more of a
performer than I realized I was.
Recent retirees were 15 percent more likely to be happy
than those of a similar age who continued working full-
time, but within six months retirees happiness fell behind
that of those of a similar age who were working if the
retirees did not have an active lifestyle.
Wells and Kendig 1999
20
11
Have Time for Thoughts
We have the capacity to have deep, moving, insightful thoughts
about our lives and the world around us. But our daily habits, rou-
tines, and responsibilities often soak up our available time and
attention. Give yourself the opportunity to think, to question, and
to ponder, and you will enjoy not only the fruits of an occasional
good idea but the joy of thought itself.
At seventy-eight, Harry took his thirty-two-foot sailboat out for
a trip . . . around the world. At eighty-eight, he thought it was time
to circle the globe again. I like being alone at sea, he says. I like
the challenge of ocean crossing. Im always delighted to be back
among people, but after a while, I wish I was back at sea again.
The way to stay young is to stay active physically and mentally.
If youre sailing the seas, you have to be constantly engaged in the
process.
But in calm waters Harry can afford to take some time to read
the history, poetry, and mystery books he brings with him on
board, listen to whatever news reports he can pick up on the radio,
21
The 100 Simple Secrets of the Best Half of Life
and think. Theres plenty of time for reflecting on things when
you are out there, he says.
Harrys trips are not just about being at sea. When he reaches a
port, he likes to explore the area. A small village in Japan even
threw a celebration for him, sending area schoolchildren to greet
Harry upon his arrival and to listen to him speak of his adventures.
A retired chemist, Harry focused on creating long-range
research plans for his company while he was working. And hes still
making long-range plans for himself. But he thinks this will be his
last trip around the world. After all, he says, the boats getting
pretty old.
People who said they were very busy or stressed were 17
percent less likely to say they felt that they adequately
thought through the decisions they made.
Bippus and Rollin 2003
22
12
Turn Off the Bad News
Its not news when a plane lands safely or a bank isnt robbed. The
nature of news is to focus on whats different and whats unex-
pected. Unfortunately, all too often that results in a newscast made
up of a list of bad things that have happened to people. Be mindful
that the television news is only a slice of the worldusually not
the most pleasant sliceand give yourself ample opportunity to
see life from a different perspective.
Studying how people spent their time was something Bob
Stanley did as part of his job as a psychology professor.
He was particularly interested in the effects of peoples workdays
on how they related to others and to their families. It was a natu-
ral extension of some of the same issues I was facing in my life, he
says. And I applied what I observed about myself and my friends to
help create my research plan.
Once he retired, Bob was again struck by an observation from
his own life: I like to watch the news. When I was working, I used
to watch once a day. But now that I have more free time, I might
23
The 100 Simple Secrets of the Best Half of Life
watch some news in the morning, then again at lunchtime, then at
night. And I began to think about how many sad and hopeless
things were happening in front of me every night: wars, famines,
natural disasters. And I thought about the effect watching all that
sadness was having on me.
Bob quietly observed some of his friends and found that their
news-viewing habits were often similar to his. Without worrying
about all the details that would go into a full-scale research proj-
ect, he decided to try a little experiment.
For several days, he participated in conversations with his
friends on whatever topic might come up. Bob quietly noted how
many times he and his friends led the conversation to negative top-
ics, whether personal or news related. Later, he asked each of his
friends to skip watching any television news for three days. He told
them it was part of a study of current-events knowledge. After the
three days, Bob again spoke to his friends and noted how many
negative topics came up.
It turns out my friends spent half as much time talking about
negative topics when they hadnt seen television news for a few
days, Bob reports. When he came clean about his experiment with
his friends, they wanted to know if it was all right for them to con-
tinue reading the newspaper. Bob said, I think so. I could run
some more tests if youd like.
People who consumed high levels of television news were
twice as likely to have negative feelings about the direc-
tion the world is taking.
Pinkleton and Austin 2002
24
13
Express Yourself in What You Do
Do something today that reflects who you are, what you are capa-
ble of, and what you care about. Whether at work or at home, for
pay or for free, do something that reflects you. We need to see evi-
dence of our abilities; we need to see evidence of our relevance.
Once you give yourself proof of what you can do, you will not
doubt your ability to do anything.
Larry Brody wrote for numerous televisions shows, including
Baretta, Barnaby Jones, Diagnosis Murder, Hawaii Five-O, The Six
Million Dollar Man, and
Walker, Texas Ranger.
But one of the greatest joys of his career in television was work-
ing with other writers, particularly those just starting out. There
is so much untapped talent out there, he says. I loved to help new
colleagues grow into the role of being a writer.
Larry decided he wanted to go into semiretirement to get away
from the stress of Hollywood life. A friend had recommended he
consider Arkansas. And though hed never been there, he visited
and was soon convinced it was the right place for him.
25
The 100 Simple Secrets of the Best Half of Life
Still, he wanted to continue to help young writers. From his
Arkansas ranch he has organized a variety of opportunities for
young writers to have their work critiqued, including contests for
scripts and short films. Larry offers feedback based on his under-
standing of the fundamentals of writing: If youve got the pacing
and the rhythm, youve got half of it. If you have that, and some-
thing you want to share, youre just about there.
The point of Larrys efforts is to nurture talent. Its all about
dreamsabout making dreams come true, he says. In fact, at this
point he gets more satisfaction from contributing to other writers
than he does from writing itself. Id rather teach other people to
put it together than do anything else in the business, he says.
People who felt they had an outlet for self-expression were
19 percent more likely to feel confident about themselves
and 18 percent more likely to feel satisfied with their lives.
Christiansen 2000
26
14
You Are Not Old
Everybody likes to disparage old things. Nobody wants old news,
old bread, or old anything. But wait. People love antique tables.
People love vintage cars. Old tables and old cars are things bound
for the dump, but change your perspective and you have some-
thing more valuable and cherished than even something new. You
are not old; you are not yesterdays news or day-old bread. See the
value in who you are and what you are.
I became a bachelor again after age fifty-five. Some people
would think, Well, thats about that. Ha! The funs just starting,
says Tom.
Tom started dating again, aided by an Internet personals service.
You ask for a certain age, location, personalitywhat have you.
And you get back one hundred women in your area, Tom reports.
Thats a lot of choice and a lot of possibility.
Tom has many friends who have used the personals services,
and it hasnt always worked out: One poor fellow found a woman
and set up a date over email. Showed up to meet the woman for
27
The 100 Simple Secrets of the Best Half of Life
coffee and found he had accidentally asked his ex-wife out on a
date.
And Tom says most people lie about their age, by three to five
years. So I knock off five years just to get even.
Still, Tom says he has met some wonderful people and been
amazed at the way deep, personal relationships can be built online.
You have all these conversations over email. Its not just that you
both like skiing and you both like tofu, he says. It goes much
deeper than that.
More than anything, he sees the people online as so alive
alive with possibility. There arent any listings from people calling
themselves old and defeated.
People over age fifty who did not think of themselves as
old were 39 percent more likely to be happy.
Hurd 1999
28
15
Money Cant Buy Happiness
Name the happiest day of your life. For almost everyone, that day
had nothing to do with money. Yet we spend much of our work
time and free time directed toward money: making more, getting
more, keeping more, and spending more. Money is necessary for
the basics of life, to be sure, but increasing sums of money do not
increase our enjoyment of lifejust our desire for more money.
Tennessee resident Kim Hunt knows what its like to become a
millionaire in an instant. A contestant on the game show Who
Wants to Be a Millionaire
, Kim answered fourteen questions cor-
rectly and then answered the million-dollar question.
The veteran math teacher in his forties went from living on a
very modest salary to having a pile of money at his disposal. Kims
first priority was to help his parents. They had provided so much
for him, helping him through college, and they were now strug-
gling with medical bills. I was always the professional student.
Always the one without money, Kim recalls. So it was nice to be
able to do something for them.
29
The 100 Simple Secrets of the Best Half of Life
Then he purchased some things he really wanted: a new com-
puter and a new car.
But he soon realized that, with few exceptions, he was pretty
much living my old lifestyle. The money changes less than you
might think. Some people ask me for money when they never did
before. But I get up in the morning and Im still the same person.
One thing that has changed, ironically, is that Kim spends more
time worrying about money: I didnt have any before, and I didnt
think much about it. Now Im trying hard not to do something
really stupid and lose all the money. Ive got it socked away in
stocks and mutual fundswhich, sadly, have actually lost some
value since I bought them.
Peoples ratings of their own happiness do not increase as
their income rises, because their appetite for products in-
creases along with their income.
Easterlin 2001
30
16
The Only Requirement Is Embracing
the Lack of Requirements
Will early retirement meet your needs? Will working long past
when you could retire make you happy? The answer is that either
path is available and can make people happy. Do not try to fit your-
self into a pattern or timetable. Embrace the value of the choices
available to you.
as his career
Terry remembers well the feeling of Whats next?
as a career counselor approached its end. He says, There are a lot
of expectations on you when youre younger, but you reach a cer-
tain age and you find there are no expectations at all. Then, if you
are not careful, its as if you sit around waiting for an invitation to
do something.
Terry says that the way we live our lives makes contemplating
transitions and new directions all the more difficult: Were always
in a hurry, running through life. Then we step out of that life and
find were not ready for whats next.
31
The 100 Simple Secrets of the Best Half of Life
Events and milestones are often used as the starting point for a
new assessment of oneself, he says, but there is no need to wait:
Think about it right now. You dont need to wait until your last
child moves out the door, until you retire, until you sell the house
and move to a condo in Florida. Think about what you want to do
with your life right this very minute.
Thinking about whats next is often a basic matter of connec-
tions. To what, to whom do you feel connected? What is it that
inspires you, that brings you joy? Terry asks. When you become
aware of that, and that sense of connection becomes part of you,
your next step will be clear.
Terry argues that, although it can be unsettling, the process of
defining our direction later in life makes us more of who we really
are. Were more complete. And that makes our time, whether
structured or unstructured, more fulfilling.
In studies of people in their fifties and older, there was no
consistent difference in life satisfaction between those who
worked full-time, those who worked part-time, and those
who did not work at all.
Fouquereau, Fernandez, and Mullet 2001
32
17
Keep Your Fears in Line
A large part of our lives is spent imagining the worst that can hap-
pen and its consequences. Step back from your fears and worries,
and realize that one of the biggest hurdles to overcome is not what
you are afraid of but the very fact that you are afraid.
I guess Im really the ultimate example of worrying yourself
sick, says Marty.
Concerned about a persistent cough for which doctors could
offer no relief or explanation, Marty sought second, third, and
fourth opinions. On the day he had an appointment to get yet
another opinion, a snowstorm blanketed his town. Rather than
reschedule, Marty insisted on clearing off his driveway so he could
head out to keep his appointment.
The combination of snow and ice made for tough going, and in
an effort to gain some traction Marty fell and landed on his arm.
Well, I was going to the doctor, there was no doubt about that, he
recalls. Only then I thought it might be an orthopedist instead.
33
The 100 Simple Secrets of the Best Half of Life
Marty had broken his arm. After a trip to the hospital, he
returned in a cast.
With other things on his mind now, Marty canceled the appoint-
ment he was trying to get to in the first place. After a few weeks of
rest, he found that his cough was gone but his arm very much still
broken.
Marty has extracted two lessons from his experience. First:
when it snows, stay inside. Second: worrying is more trouble than
its worth. I think of it as kind of like that old saying Laugh and
the whole world laughs with you. Cry, and Ill give you something
to cry about, he adds.
Relative to the opinions of their own doctors, most people
were four times more likely to think of themselves as likely
to suffer a debilitating illness in the near future.
Sarkisian et al. 2001
34
18
Sign Up for Everything
High school kids across the land are busy signing up for the school
paper, the debate club, and the basketball team. You may think that
now that youre older, those days are gone. The truth is that throw-
ing yourself into as many activities as you canbe they social, ath-
letic, civic, or whatever else interests youis even more valuable
for you now than it was in high school. Activities exercise the
brain, forge strong social ties, and improve the disposition.
Manny doesnt understand the image many people have of
retirement. Im not grumpy or slow, and I dont even own a
rocking chair, much less spend all day in it, says the eighty-five-
year-old.
Manny has retired from two careers, but he keeps his days full
with training for the Senior Olympics, working part-time, and
entering his artwork in competitions. In fact, Manny has had fun
with so many activities that the only thing that limits him is time:
I had to quit softball a few years ago because it conflicted with my
tennis.
35
The 100 Simple Secrets of the Best Half of Life
Manny not only plays tennis but has also served as a ball boy
at the U.S. Open. You know those kids you see scurrying after the
ball when it hits the net? Thats me, he explains. The only differ-
ence is that Manny became the oldest ball boy ever to serve at the
tournament. Manny doesnt want attention for his age, though.
Thats all overrated, he says. I think age is a state of mind.
Nevertheless, he realizes that people half his age may spend
their time doing far less than half of what he does in a day. But
Manny says the value of staying busy is clear regardless of age: If
you sit around, you have time to think about your problems.
Research on people in their fifties and older found that
each group activity that they engaged in per week in-
creased the likelihood of life satisfaction by 3 percent.
McGuinn and Mosher-Ashley 2000
36
19
Be Decisive
We can actually suffer from having too many alternatives when we
make a decision. Our lives are loaded with alternatives. We can fol-
low almost an infinite number of directions. How can we be sure
we pick the best one? We cant be. The task is to make the best
decision we can and then stop questioning it.
Karen was offered the opportunity to participate in an early
retirement program. She saw the pros and the cons all too well: I
think I would enjoy a sort of semi-retirement, or a temporary
retirement. But this is all or nothing. Stay, and keep doing my full-
time job, or go, and leave this job completely behind.
Each day for a month she tossed the idea around. I was like a
car spinning its wheels, she recalls. There was an awful lot of
effort, and absolutely no progress.
Karen was stymied by what is theoretically the great gift of
being her age. There arent any rules, she says. Up to this point,
there have been rulesthings you are supposed to do. Now, here, I
37
The 100 Simple Secrets of the Best Half of Life
find myself with no rules whatsoever. What are you supposed to do?
Nobody has the faintest idea.
Karen eventually said no to early retirement, reasoning that if
she couldnt decide whether to retire in the first place, she would
have an even harder time deciding what to do with that retirement.
I felt instantly better when I had made a decision. It was like being
a little kid in schoolstaring at a multiple-choice question and
debating whether to change your answer. Now that Ive finally
turned in my paper, I dont really worry so much about my score.
Second-guessing your decisions on a regular basis reduces
by 26 percent the likelihood of your believing in your own
capabilities.
Bargdill 2000
38
20
Believe You Can
We love tests and contests. We want to know who is better, in
everything from spelling to sprinting. We embrace the certainty
that everything can be measured and that the results will tell us
who can do what. Unfortunately, there are no tests for the most
important things in life. Your ability to thrive as you age, as you
retire, as you start seeking a new path in life cannot be predicted
by your grades in school or your evaluations on the job. You simply
have to believe in yourselfbelieve in the abilities, the vision, the
passion, the core that brought you this far. There is no test. And
that is unnervingbut it is also empowering.
Jeanne knows something about living in a land of tests without
really knowing where you rank. Jeanne has spent her working life
teaching drama to high school students.
Unlike the math teacher, who not only can tell you whether
you are doing well but can give you an exact percentage for every-
thing you do, all I can do is tell my students to embrace a
process, Jeanne says. After all, even the greatest performance is
39
The 100 Simple Secrets of the Best Half of Life
not something tangible; its the magic that happens between a
performer and an audience.
The same is true for her teaching. I have an enthusiasm for
giving to my students in the classroom and in rehearsals, she says,
but if you said, Show it to me on a piece of paper, I couldnt.
Though she wanted to become an actress, Jeanne embraced the
rewards of teaching: It wasnt the glamour and the spectacle that I
had set out for, but it had its own kind of excitement: giving stu-
dents an opportunity, giving them a challenge, and watching their
confidence grow.
Despite the lack of tests and paperwork, Jeanne won an award as
teacher of the year. The award cited her for bringing students into
a theater experience in which they find they are capable in ways
they never before imagined.
Among those soon to retire or newly retired, a belief in
personal capability increased feelings of optimism for the
future by 37 percent and increased feelings of happiness
by 52 percent.
Efklides, Kalaitzidou, and Chankin 2003
40
21
See the Real Pay in Work
Asked to define the rewards of work, people first think of money.
But for most of us, the value of work is not merely a paycheck but
a host of personal and social rewards that make us feel weve
accomplished something and are part of a team. When evaluating
your career plans, dont lose sight of what it really is that you get
from a job.
Psychologist Sandy Lyons has studied retirees to get a better
understanding of how people truly feel about their work.
You can ask people about their jobs, but they are so caught up
in the daily reality of work that they can hardly see how they really
feel. Its like asking someone how they feel about air. Its all around
them, but theyve never given it the first thought, she says.
Thats why Dr. Lyons looks at how people respond to the
absence of a job. What you tend to see in retirees, she says, is a
frustration about not knowing how they are of value anymore and,
even more often, a sense of isolation.
41
The 100 Simple Secrets of the Best Half of Life
We think of work as providing for our most basic needs regard-
ing an income, an ability to provide for our family. But at the same
time, work provides for even more basic needs in making us feel
connected to something, to others.
Dr. Lyons says the retirees who walk away from work cold
turkey tend to suffer the most. Leaving a job as if you are just
flipping off a switch can be very painful, she says, because it dra-
matically takes away so much of who you are. Dr. Lyons says that
people who instead transition out of work by gradually cutting
their hours, maintaining contact with some co-workers, and main-
taining some connection to their previous work have an easier
time building a new life experience for themselves.
All this, Dr. Lyons says, is valuable not just for retirement plan-
ning but for career planning: We should all learn from retirees
that we should be thinking in terms of having work meet our basic
needs.
Studies of people over the age of fifty-five who work show
that 46 percent find their interactions with their co-workers
the most rewarding aspect of the jobtwice as many as
say that their salary is the most rewarding part of the job.
Kaye, Alexander, and Kauffman 1999
42
22
Know Your Health
The less we know about something, the more we are subject to its
vagaries. In ancient times, the Incas and the Aztecs feared comets
because they did not understand their movements. Etruscans feared
the weather because its patterns of change were so ill understood.
Knowing more about your health, both when something ails you
and when you feel fine, not only will help you choose a healthy
lifestyle but will reduce your fears of a health-related impediment
to the quality of your life.
For Barbara Pariente, being nominated as a justice of the
Florida Supreme Court represented an unbelievable triumph, the
culmination of a law career during which she came across few
women colleagues. The court hears some of the most controversial
cases in the nation, and she holds one of its seven seats.
As a lawyer and as a judge, she never shied away from the chal-
lenge of taking on complex cases and understanding countless
details.
43
The 100 Simple Secrets of the Best Half of Life
When she found out she had breast cancer, she reacted in the
same way. I wanted to learn everything I could, she says. The
first thing I learned was that you may be fearful, but you will be
able to come through it and not only survive but thrive.
After her initial diagnosis, Barbara threw herself into a mini
medical school curriculum. When tests to determine if the cancer
had spread were inconclusive, it was Barbara who guided her doc-
tors toward further tests, which revealed that the cancer was in the
initial stages of spreading.
Even with a complete diagnosis, Barbara received varied recom-
mendations on treatment from her team of more than a dozen doc-
tors. She took it upon herself to sift through their advice and arrive
at the best treatment. She chose a very aggressive response to the
cancer.
For Barbara, getting all the information she could was empow-
ering. You can say either Im going to give in to this disease or
Im going to confront it and beat it, she says. And now, with her
cancer in remission, she adds, I cant say Im glad I had cancer.
But Im not sad I had cancer. I am healthy. I am surviving. I am
thriving.
People who took an active interest not only in their ill-
nesses but in their overall health were 15 percent more
likely to feel that any health problems they had were not
reducing their life satisfaction.
Othaganont, Sinthuvorakan, and Jensupakarn 2002
44
23
See a New Way
When the easy answers have been tried and the problem remains,
the time is ripe for your creative powers. Be willing to look at
things in a new way, think about them with a fresh perspective,
and tap the hidden ideas within yourself.
Gerry was an executive with a major financial company. Every
day was stressful and long, and featured a brutal commute. At
some point you have to ask yourself why are you doing this, Gerry
says.
Offered the opportunity to head his hometowns YMCA, Gerry
jumped at the chancedespite a dramatic cut in pay.
His commute is now three minutes long, and his days are stress
free. But more important than those things, Gerry says, is that the
career switch has given him the chance to make a difference in his
community; Every day Im thinking about how to serve people
through this organization. A good decision doesnt shift the mar-
ginal return rate on some unseen transaction. A good decision
serves a person who lives right down the street.
45
The 100 Simple Secrets of the Best Half of Life
In the corporate world, I saw it as important for me to do as
well as I could do financially, Gerry says. But now I realize its
important for me to be closer to home, to do something that really
resonates with me today in terms of my values.
I realize this doesnt match the corporate world in pay, but nei-
ther can the corporate world feed my spirit as much as this does.
Among those experiencing low life satisfaction, a willing-
ness to think creatively about their problems was associated
with an 11 percent shorter duration of negative feelings.
Zhou and George 2001
46
24
Avoid Generational Competition
Generations see things differently because of changes in the cul-
ture, because of changes in events, and sometimes just because
they can. Accepting different generational perspectives as a reality
of life, rather than feeling a sense of rivalry against those with dif-
ferent views, allows us to continue functioning in an evolving
world even as we continue to value our own perspectives.
I have experience. I have opinions. And I probably push too
far, Lynn says in explaining why shes taking a class in grandpar-
enting at her local community center.
Lynn told her daughter one too many times about the proper
way to dress a child or the level of table manners expected of a
child. Tensions rose, and her family could seldom enjoy each
others company. Each time, I thought I knew best. Lynn recalls.
I was trying to help her head off mistakes. Because whats the
point of making a mistake if you dont have to?
But the lessons shes learning in grandparenting class are offer-
ing Lynn a new perspective. They say we grandparents can push
47
The 100 Simple Secrets of the Best Half of Life
for too much control, Lynn reports. According to the class, she
says, grandparents have to leave their egos at the door and not try
to impose their parental perspective on their adult offspring. Weve
always thought were the most important generation ever and
everything revolves around us and weve figured everything out.
And we need to know that not everyone is going to see eye-to-eye
with us. And thats not their fault.
Because of the class, Lynn will never again say, I know what to
do. I raised you, she avows. I guess its kind of demeaning and
demanding: Do everything my way because Ive done this before.
But its tough. Im still having to edit myself.
Nine in ten parents said there were significant differences
in their approach to parenting compared with that of their
parents, and the majority said these differing approaches
were a source of intergenerational tension.
Morman and Floyd 2002
48
25
Respond to Stress
Stress is an accumulation of events and circumstances that repre-
sent more than we can handle. Stress eats away at our bodys abil-
ity to function both mentally and physically. The best response to
stress is not to push yourself and wait for it to go away, but rather
to try to reduce stress, both by avoiding the circumstances that are
causing it and by creating healthier outlets for the pressures in
your life.
Ruby has been running a flight school for forty-six years, teach-
ing people how to fly small airplanes. Its quite a feat. Even more so
when you consider that she didnt start the school until she was in
her forties.
Ruby oversees all aspects of the flight school, from accounting
to maintenance to schedules. Ill never retire, Ruby says. I enjoy
my work too much. And I havent found any of it hard.
When she got her pilots license, there werent a lot of women in
the air. It just wasnt something women were expected to do, she
recalls. You got a lot of strange looks from the other pilots.
49
The 100 Simple Secrets of the Best Half of Life
Still, she loved flying. Its hard to explain why its so much
fun, she says. Youre up there by yourself, and its quiet and
peaceful. On a stressful day I could just go up in the air. It clears
everything up. Its relaxing.
It becomes second nature. Its a beautiful thing, a totally differ-
ent world.
Though shes long since given up piloting, she still gets a thrill
from watching the next generation learn how to fly: Its like they
are taking me up there with them.
People over age fifty were two times less likely to be
proactive in response to periods of high stress in their
lives than were people under age forty.
Simons 2002
50
26
The Best Life Needs No Trophy
It seems almost everything is competitive. People compete in an
amazing array of contextsfrom the job, to the home, to just
about any arena you can imagine. For an example of how out of
hand our competitiveness has become, just think about the fact
that there are people today who make a living in competitive eating
tournaments. One of the challenges of pursuing a satisfying life is
that there is simply no competition. You will never live a better life
because of the failure of another, nor a worse life for someone elses
success. See your satisfaction in personal terms; your choices need
not be justified to anyone or by anyone.
Paul has been swimming for more than seven decades. He has
set records in his age group and won so many races that hes been
inducted into the International Swimming Hall of Fame. But hes
never had more fun in the pool than with the swimming club he
helped found.
Most swimming clubs are focused on training for specific com-
petitions. Everything is competitive. We wanted more from a club
51
The 100 Simple Secrets of the Best Half of Life
than training, exercise, and an occasional race, Paul explains. We
wanted to create a friendly atmosphere for people who wanted to
share their common love for swimming. Basically, we wanted to
have fun, make friends, maintain good health, and improve as
swimmers.
Doris has been swimming with the club for two years and cant
tell you what her best time is, or her average time. Swimming
with the club has helped me to improve my stroke, but I really
dont care how fast anybody swims, Doris says. I dont even care
how fast I swim, even though I swim three to four miles a week. It
is good for my circulation, and it makes me feel good.
These are the greatest people in the world, Paul adds. My life
is more fun now. That is what I wanted when we started, and I
have it.
Men and women over forty who had above-average feel-
ings of well-being were four times less likely to weigh their
happiness and success against those of others.
Dube, Jodoin, and Kairouz 1998
52
27
The Future Can Be Brighter Than the Past
In most things, weve taught ourselves to see tomorrow as an
extension of today. Things that are true now will continue to be
true: The sun will rise in the east. Autumn will follow summer. But
we are not limited in our happiness by the patterns we set yester-
day. Our happiness is the product not just of our life experiences,
but of our perspectives on them. Yesterday does not set the limit
on our happiness today or tomorrow.
Mae saw the end of the nineteenth century, experienced every
day of the twentieth century, and then welcomed the twenty-first
century.
Mae has long since outlived her many friends and nearly all of
her family. But her perspective on that is clear: Always look for-
ward, never back.
When I get up in the morning, its a blessing to have been
given the chance to see another day. And I think that it just might
be a good one.
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The 100 Simple Secrets of the Best Half of Life
Mae thinks people, whether they are old enough to remember
when Woodrow Wilson was president or are too young to remem-
ber life before cell phones, should focus on all the possibilities of
today.
Enjoy what you have today, she advises. Try to like the people
around you and be good to them. Be kind and lend a helping hand.
Try new things. Most of all, enjoy yourself, and remember that its
always better to laugh than to cry.
Two-thirds of those who characterized their experiences in
childhood and young adulthood as unhappy reported that
their lives in their fifties and beyond were happy.
Freeman, Templer, and Hill 1999
54
28
Stay in Control
Your life is the consequence of your decisions. Regardless of your
life situation, you have to see that your decisions matter. Though
embracing this view means accepting accountability and responsi-
bility for your lifeheavy burdens indeedthe most important
thing that accompanies this belief is freedom.
Rudy has spent four decades mentoring high school students as
a teacher, counselor, and coach.
The number one thing I tell kidsand it doesnt matter what
context were talking aboutis that their decisions matter, Rudy
says. You dont want to study; that decision matters. You go out
when you should be home; that decision matters. You goof off dur-
ing practice instead of working hard; that decision matters.
You have to be able to see cause and effect. Otherwise, even if
you want the right effect, you wont know how to cause it.
Rudy has seen former students improve in school, head off to
college, and succeed in careers. He says there is no better tribute
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The 100 Simple Secrets of the Best Half of Life
to his personal belief that decisions matter than his former stu-
dents testimonials that they wouldnt be where they are today
without him.
In eight out of ten people surveyed in one study, the feel-
ing that their lives were beyond their control reduced their
likelihood of life satisfaction by 40 percent and contributed
to feelings of despondency.
Nair 2000
56
29
See Beyond You
Be open. Be welcoming. Be the person who wants other people
around. Engage yourself in the lives of others, and you will see
great rewards with minimal costs.
They had no illusions about being interesting. We thought,
Why not be up-front about it? Louis says. So they named their
organization the Dull Mens Club.
This group of Massachusetts men meets once a month to dis-
cuss topics such as the migratory patterns of the hummingbird,
the art of napping, and what they refer to as Newtons law of iner-
tia (or, as club members sometimes call it, the law that states
that when you put a dull man in a seat, he stays there.). From the
assigned topic, the men often veer into discussions of the world
and of their lives.
Louis was inspired to try to bring people together after an experi-
ence he had on a ferry. Unexpectedly alone for the ride, he dreaded
spending the two hours with nothing to occupy his time. Forced to
approach a half-full table to find a seat, he began a conversation.
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The 100 Simple Secrets of the Best Half of Life
I didnt spend a quiet moment in that two hours, Louis says. We
were all trading stories. Louis says that when he got off the boat,
he felt like a new man. I wanted to try to do that for some of the
men in town, he adds.
Louis says that the Dull Mens Club serves a vital function for its
members because so many men dont talk much about their prob-
lems. Instead, they internalize things, which he says ends up mak-
ing them feel more alone. Men tend to isolate more, Louis says.
To get them out of the house and talking is not an easy task.
Research on retirees found that the most valuable personal-
ity trait in predicting happiness was extroversiona ten-
dency to seek company and to associate with otherswhich
increased the likelihood of happiness by 47 percent.
Francis and Bolger 1997
58
30
Transitions Can Be Both Happy and Sad
We like to see things in clear terms: Hot is the opposite of cold.
Small is the opposite of big. Happy is the opposite of sad. But our
emotional lives are more complicated than that. We can be both
happy and sad at the thought of transitions in our lives. Under-
standing this allows us to see sadness not as the enemy of happi-
ness but as a natural part of our reaction to life.
These days, Phil knows he had a very rare job experience: thirty
years for one employer.
Shivering through a New York winter, Phil set out for Florida
with visions of palm trees and sea breezes. He heard that the phone
company was hiring and put in an application. After hours of apti-
tude tests, he was hired and sent off to phone-installer classes.
From the first day on the job I was comfortable with what I was
doing. I liked it, Phil says. I liked going out in a truck in the
morning and being on the road and doing the work. I knew within
a couple of days on the job that I would never want to do anything
else.
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The 100 Simple Secrets of the Best Half of Life
Over the years, the technology changed and the job got a bit
more complex. But, he says, I liked the challenge. You had to
learn something new every year.
Now, thirty years later, Phil is retired. He takes care of the house
and cooks for himself and his wife. He plays endless rounds of golf
at a course that allows him to play free in exchange for his occa-
sionally helping out.
And how does it feel? I feel like a kid again, he says. Some-
times Im the kid who just got out of school for the summer, and
sometimes Im the kid whose friends are all away at camp.
Researchers found that major life changes could produce
strong simultaneous feelings of happiness and sadness.
Larsen, McGraw, and Cacioppo 2001
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31
Embrace Challenges
There are many things we wish to dofrom changing a tire to
changing our livesthat we avoid because we are afraid of failure.
We fear the direct evidence of our weakness, so we dont even
bother to try. Ironically, our lack of effort is our true weakness. You
are stronger and more capable than you can possibly know. When
events occur and strength is demanded of you, you will be strong.
Realize that you need not wait for events to call. You can demand
strength of yourself right now.
Sydney Besthoff was born into the drugstore business. His
grandfather was the cofounder of K&B, a modest chain of New
Orleansarea drugstores. As a young man, Sydney was given an
ever-shifting job in the business, starting as an assistant manager
in one store, then moving on to purchasing, then finance, then
personnel, then store operations.
After more than a decade of working in almost every job in the
business, Sydney was promoted to running the company. In the
ensuing decades, he took a collection of 15 stores and expanded it
into one of the largest drugstore companies in the United States.
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The 100 Simple Secrets of the Best Half of Life
But after more than fifteen years of running the company, and
more than twenty-five years of working for it, everything Sydney
had ever done came under attack. Family members, including his
sisters and his parents, sued him, claiming that he had cheated
them out of their share of the companys profits. It was a very
upsetting time, Sydney says.
It was a cataclysmic blow to him, his wife, Walda, adds. He
thought he was being a good son and a good brother. And when his
family turned on him, it was heartbreaking for him. He felt be-
trayed.
But Sydney did not crumble under the strain of legal action
and the animosity of his loved ones. He explained to them that
his strategy of focusing on growth ahead of profits would be nec-
essary until the company was big enough to compete with the
major chains. His family either did not approve or did not believe
him. I told them to wait, that they would be very pleased in the
end, he says.
Instead, they insisted on pursuing their legal actions, and
Sydney ended up paying his relatives for their share of the busi-
ness. Anyone else might have folded, lost everything. Sydney
found the strength to keep on going, Walda says. And in the end,
the company continued expanding and succeeding until Sydney
sold it to a larger rival chain.
Studies of victims of traumatic eventssuch as people
who lost their homes to natural disastersfound that those
who had suffered the most loss of comfort were actually
calmer and more resolute than those who had suffered
some inconvenience but minimal loss.
Ikeuchi and Fujihara 2000
62
32
Get Away from It All
In every life there should be regular moments of awe. For most of
us, our homes and communities may meet our usual needs, but
they seldom inspire us. Take time on a regular basis to put yourself
in a completely natural setting. Leave the city or the suburbs, and
see the forest and the trees.
Carole grew up on a busy street in the middle of Richmond,
Virginia. All day long, something would be happening, she
recalls. Across the street was the bus depot, where all the buses
returned at the end of the day and started up again at the begin-
ning of the next. And, as if that wasnt enough activity, Carole lived
among six siblings and all the attendant chaos.
When she was seven, her family took a trip to Grayson County,
in the Virginia countryside. It was like I landed on another
planet, Carole says. Everything was green, everything was alive
and beautiful, and the sky was so big, it looked like it went on for-
ever. And as far as you could see, no other people.
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The 100 Simple Secrets of the Best Half of Life
Carole never forgot that trip. Five decades later she returned to
Grayson County and bought some land and a century-old house.
We thought we were going to tear it down and build something
new, she says. But then I thought, This house belongs here.
The house looks out over a field and a glistening creek. I like to
listen to the creek. In fact, its about the only sound out there most
times, Carole says.
At first, she had to learn to sleep in such a quiet place. But the
payoff was in the morning. You wake up and the birds are
singing, she says. Its so peaceful.
People who regularly experienced nature were 9 percent
less likely to report feeling unsatisfied with their lives.
Gerdtham and Johannesson 2001
64
33
Live Beyond Your Family Model
Most of us imagine that as we age, everything becomes easier
that we will have experience and wisdom to guide us. But the truth
is that for all the years weve lived, weve never before been fifty, or
sixtyor retired. We tend to fall back on examples we are familiar
with, especially models from within our family. But we dont need
to limit ourselves to repeating the lifestyles we observed there.
Approach life with a full awareness of the possibilities that are
yours.
As she contemplates retirement, Joan thinks of the many
changes she has seen in her everyday life. And she knows she has
to find a new path for herself, one that is different from the path
her parents and grandparents took. When I was in school, we had
just started into the space age. Television was just starting out. We
couldnt have imagined all the ways life would be different today.
But I tend to be an optimist about a lot of things, she says. We
know better how to treat our bodies, and hopefully the planet, too.
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The 100 Simple Secrets of the Best Half of Life
When her parents retired, they stopped working completely.
They just started an entirely new life, she says, and they really
werent prepared for it. They thought it would be like an endless
vacation, or at least thats what they said. But they always looked
like the vacation never started.
Instead of leaving work entirely, Joan has created a schedule
that will gradually decrease her hours until she has part-time sta-
tus. Im trying to learn from some of the mistakes Ive seen people
make, and hopefully my daughter will learn something from me,
too, she says.
Joans daughter has already stepped down a different path. Ive
never left the country, not even once, Joan says. My daughters
living in Switzerland. Can you imagine that?
Surveys of people over fifty reveal that 66 percent took a
family members experience into account as they thought
about their retirement plans.
Weigel, Bennett, and Ballard-Reisch 2003
66
34
Life Gets Easier
Some parts of lifemowing the lawn, moving furniture, and so
onget harder and harder as we age. But life itself tends to get
easier. As we age, we tend to find deeper meaning in the things that
truly matter to us. Take comfort in the thought that the most
important things are getting easier, not harder.
The great misconception younger people have is that older
people are unhappy because of their age or that they spend their
time wishing they were younger, says Jon Harris, a gerontologist
who is old enough now to include himself among his subjects of
study.
Instead, Jon says, age is really a blurry indicator of life quality.
Physically, you can live your life in such a way that your body is
in effect younger than your age. And you can live your life in such
a way that your body is older than your age. So there is no way you
should feel at any particular age. It varies tremendously.
Mentally, you can see that older folks have a capacity to demon-
strate resilience and recover from difficulties in their lives that is
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The 100 Simple Secrets of the Best Half of Life
equal to or most often exceeds that of younger people. There is an
inner fortitude that comes with experience, that comes with per-
spective. And it is one of the talents of our more senior citizens.
Research on people over sixty revealed that six in ten
showed increased optimism, less stress, and an increased
appreciation of others as they got older.
Kinnier et al. 2001
68
35
Volunteer for Yourself
Volunteering for a cause you care about is not only a great benefit
to others but also a great benefit to yourself. Volunteering demon-
strates our own humanity to us, and it offers us a wonderful oppor-
tunity for cultivating feelings of connection to our community.
Give of yourself to others because it is the greatest gift you can give
to yourself.
Frank has a simple explanation for the finding that at least half
of people over age fifty spend part of their week volunteering:
Theres only so much golf you can play. Thats a fact.
But theres a more serious reason Frank spends two days a week
volunteering in the Consumer Protection Division of the Maryland
attorney generals office: Number one, it helps people. Number
two, it helps me.
Frank deals with citizens who have had consumer disputes with
area companies. Frank takes their information and tries to work
out an agreement between the customer and the company. Some
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The 100 Simple Secrets of the Best Half of Life
of these folks have spent literally everything they have on some-
thing they really needmaybe a car, maybe a refrigerator, Frank
explains. Then it doesnt work, and the seller says, Tough. Or
theyve signed on for a service they didnt really understand and
cant really afford. Now they want to cancel but are told they cant.
We step in, try to figure out the basic facts, and try to move the sit-
uation forward.
Its not only helping people but also working with his mind that
Frank values in the experiences. It keeps me sharp, he says.
Getting all the details straight. Figuring out the steps to follow.
Its a new challenge every time.
Despite the complexities of the task, Frank is no lawyer. He
thinks people imagine they have to be experts to volunteer in his
office. Were looking for people with common sense and life expe-
rience here, Frank says. If you have that, you could be a valuable
volunteer almost anywhere.
Researchers have found that volunteering improves life sat-
isfaction across the generations. Notably, the effect is
greatest among those over age sixty, who enjoy 72 per-
cent greater life satisfaction and 54 percent more positive
feelings about themselves when they volunteer.
Van Willigan 2000
70
36
Never Give Up
There are stories we hear about people becoming an overnight suc-
cess. Of course, it often took them decades of anonymous hard
work to get there. Regardless, success never stops satisfying. Far
from losing its power, success late in life is every bit as satisfying as
success at a younger age.
Frank McCourt taught writing and literature to New York City
high school students. He dabbled in writing himself. But hed
never published anything.
Central to who he was as a person was his experience growing
up within his family in his small Irish hometown. It was a life of
great sadness, surrounded by poverty and alcoholism, but it was
not without its humor and absurdity. Retired from the classroom,
Frank committed himself to putting that story on paper.
The result was a book that won millions of read-
Angelas Ashes,
ers and the Pulitzer Prize.
Frank leaped from total obscurity to international fame.
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The 100 Simple Secrets of the Best Half of Life
Its all a big surprise to me, all a big adventure. And I dont
know where Im going. Its a series of shocks, he says.
But it hasnt changed me in any fundamental way, he adds. I
dont have time to get a bloated ego. God knows, Ive taken time
off, gone into a corner and said, OK, ego: bloat! And it wont.
The capacity to continue trying despite repeated setbacks
was associated with a more optimistic outlook on life in
31 percent of people studied, and with greater life satis-
faction in 42 percent of them.
Meulemann 2001
72
37
Get Out of the Car
Driving is so much a part of most peoples lives that they forget the
incredible burden it can be. Few tasks require such a commitment
to comprehensive concentration as we pay attention not only to
what were doing but to what every other driver is doing, not to
mention walkers and anything else that might enter our path.
Anything you can do to cut down on your daily driving timecar-
pooling, relocating, planning your routewill reduce the amount
of negative time in your day and free up positive time.
During a year the average Los Angeles resident spends the equiv-
alent of three months worth of workdays just driving to work.
Two weeks of that time are spent sitting in stop-and-go traffic.
Driving is one of the great eaters of time in our society, says
sociologist Walter Rose. Many of us see the freedom of drivingof
going where you want, when you wantbut we overlook the very
real costs.
Driving time is not time thats particularly good for anything
else. If you are walking or riding a bicycle, you are getting exercise.
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The 100 Simple Secrets of the Best Half of Life
If you are taking a bus or train, you can read or work. If you are
driving, you are just driving. At least thats all you should be doing
if you want to be safe.
Professor Rose says that people often make the decision to live
farther from their jobs because they think its going to lead to a
better use of their time. They see the freedom of being right
where they want to be on a Saturday morning. But they need to
consider where theyre going to be Monday through Friday morn-
ing, toowhich is stuck in traffic.
Every additional ten miles in a daily commute increases
stress levels by 5 percent.
Lucas and Heady 2002
74
38
Dont Gamble Your Future
In the ads, everyone who places a bet or buys a lottery ticket is a
winner. In reality, all forms of gambling are based on the inevitabil-
ity of loss. More important, though gambling can be entertaining,
it tends to make us feel out of control, not only of the outcome of a
wager, but of our lives as well.
Susan Gaines conducts research on gambling and people who
gamble. She says the picture of the problem gambler is changing
rapidly to include more women and more people of middle age and
older. And the reason, she says, is clear: Its a process that starts
with scratch-off lottery tickets and bingo and then progresses to
slot machines. Casinos are going out of their way to reach new cus-
tomers, including women over fifty.
Susan says that growth within the gambling industry largely
depends on finding new customers. Casinos work hard to offer
some characteristics very important for individuals who in the
past would not gamble, she says. Slot machines and other elec-
tronic gambling devices offer what Susan says is a welcoming
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The 100 Simple Secrets of the Best Half of Life
environment to the novice gambler and to women in particular.
Its a relatively cheap way to begin playing. It feels physically safe
and attractive, she says. For a lot of people, its an antidote to
boredom.
New gamblers dont like to be aggressive or carry on a conver-
sation with a blackjack dealer. They want to get off by themselves,
be safe, and sit down with nobody bothering them. Its real easy for
someone to get sucked in to slot machines. Theyre mesmerizing.
You lose all consciousness of the value of money.
Nobody chooses to develop a gambling problem, of course. But
you need to watch out, especially if you begin to shield others from
your gambling plans. Its the first step toward losing control.
Adults over sixty who regularly gamble are 17 percent
less likely to feel satisfied with their lives and 9 percent
more likely to feel that their lives are not within their con-
trol.
Winslow 2001
76
39
Find a Physician You Like
It may sound superficial, but one of the most important things we
need in a doctor is a pleasant personality. We need to have a good
feeling about our doctors. For all their training and ability, if we
feel disconnected from them, if we feel they think of us as a just
another widget, we are less likely to seek their help and listen to
their advice.
Don was having trouble getting through to his doctor. He called
several times and left messages but didnt hear back. He debated
whether he should start looking for a new doctor but also won-
dered whether perhaps he was overreacting.
When Don finally received an appointment, he arrived to find
that his doctor was overbooked. After waiting all morning, Don
finally was able to see his doctor, but for less than ten minutes.
So Don decided to do a little research. He was shocked to find
out that the doctors own association, the American Medical
Association, reported that as many as a quarter of patients switch
doctors because of problems communicating with their doctors.
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The 100 Simple Secrets of the Best Half of Life
I began to understand that this wasnt just me, Don says.
Whether it seems no one is listening when you have an appoint-
ment, or you cant get through to make an appointment, when
you cant communicate with your doctor, you feel like you dont
matter.
Don found that the doctors association offered various helpful
hints for physicians in dealing with the personal side of the job. It
said that the personal side, how they treat people, is where trust
comes from, Don says. Without that trust, all the scientific
knowledge in the world doesnt do the patient much good.
People who rated their physician as friendly were two
times more likely to seek medical attention at the first sign
of distress and were three times more likely to follow med-
ical instructions than were those who rated their doctors
as unfriendly.
Auerbach, Penberthy, and Kiesler 2004
78
40
Who You Are Is Not Just What You Do
The first question people ask when they meet someone is usually
What do you do? We label people by their work before we know
any other fact about them. Of course, work is part of who we are. It
is part of what we know, how we spend our time, and what we care
about. But to base our notion of a person, especially ourselves, on
work is to miss the essence of who we are and of who we will be
after work is over.
Gary is on a crusade to advance small talk beyond its current
boundaries. Its time to dismiss, How are you? he says. When
someone asks you that question, the only socially acceptable
response, regardless of the truth, is Good. Yourself ? Anyone who
responds honestly to How are you? is marked as some kind of
social misfit.
Gary is not a big fan of the initial question we often ask when
meeting new people, either. When you ask, What do you do?
before anything else, immediately I become my response, regard-
less of any other fact about me, says Gary. Theres a context
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The 100 Simple Secrets of the Best Half of Life
where what you do may be relevant. But there are many more situ-
ations where its not. If I say, Im a plumber, then Im a plumber.
Even if I later reveal Im a socialist and play the flute, which may
tell you a lot more about me than what I do, Ill still just be the
plumber who happens to be a flute-playing socialist.
In this respect, Gary admires the way children interact. Have
you ever heard a child ask a question if they didnt care about the
answer? Gary asks. No. Children ask questions because they actu-
ally are curious about something. Thats why you never hear chil-
dren ask, How are you? And since children dont have jobs, they
dont tend to ask, What do you do? And yet, they somehow seem
to manage to meet each other and make friends.
Those who based their identities strongly on their work
were 24 percent less likely to maintain life satisfaction
through their fifties and into retirement.
Reitzes and Mutran 2002
80
41
Foundations Shift, but Life Stands
There will be challenges and changes, to be sure. But the unspoken
truth is that you are getting stronger, not weaker. Your resilience
will see you through the good and the bad, and your capacity for
making a life filled with happiness will persist.
Henry was living off his investment earnings from the stock
market. He lived well and was quick with advice for friends and
family on how they, too, could make money on the market.
Then his investments started slowly shrinking. His broker sug-
gested he take some of his assets out of the stock market, saying
the market was too volatile and that a person of Henrys age
shouldnt take such risks. But Henry was convinced he had made
good choices. Says Henry, I said to the broker, I want you to stay
out of my way. I do my own research. I buy when I want to buy. I
sell when I want to sell. Henry didnt want to sell. He waited for
the market to pick up again.
But it didnt. Small losses became larger losses. And larger
losses eventually swallowed his entire portfolio.
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The 100 Simple Secrets of the Best Half of Life
Henry sold his car. He downsized his home. And now he wears a
coat indoors during the winter so that he can set the thermostat
lower and sits in front of a single fan in the summer so that he can
leave the air conditioner off. That worked out to fifty dollars a
month off my electric bill, he says.
Gone, too, are the daily trips to the local diner for breakfast. Im
saving four dollars a day by not going there to eat, he points out.
Henry considers his situation his own doing. The greed in me
didnt want to see it, he says. I knew I wasnt supposed to put all
my eggs in one basket. But I did it anyway.
Despite it all, he maintains his sense of humor. When someone
says he lost his shirt in the market, Henry says, I lost more than
my shirt. I lost my socks, my shoes, my hat. But Henry learned
something about himself: Im a heck of a lot more resilient than I
thought I was.
Experiences such as seeing ones income decline or ones
family separate, which are related to low life satisfaction
in younger people, have less effect on the long-term hap-
piness of people in their fifties and beyond.
Diener and Suh 1998
82
42
Share What You Know
There are things you know that other people would love to know
and that you would enjoy sharing. Seek the opportunity to share
what you know, and you will be rewarded with an opportunity to
focus your attention on your abilities and accomplishments. And
you will have helped someone in the process.
The caller might say they are from the credit-card company, or a
utility, or a store. They will say there has been a problem, maybe
some information has been lost, or the computer malfunctioned.
Can you just confirm some information on your credit file one
more time?
As Rick explains to people in his California hometown, such
calls are scams that allow thieves to find out crucial information so
they can ultimately get credit in your name. These companies
already have all your information, Rick says. And if they didnt,
they wouldnt call and ask you for it.
Another popular scam involves an offer from a stranger. The
stranger offers a check for a large sum of money. In exchange for
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The 100 Simple Secrets of the Best Half of Life
your help in cashing the check, you will be able to keep 25 percent
of the money. The checkor, in some cases, the wire depositis
phony. The point of the offer is to get you to reveal your bank-
account number, and when you do youll find that instead of
depositing a big check, somebody has written a big check against
your account.
Rick serves as a volunteer, helping his local police department
keep people informed about some of the sneakiest crimes out
there. Identity-theft issues are major, because you can be hurt
without even knowing it, he says. All your assetsyour bank
account, your credit cards, your homecould be targeted.
Rick gives talks to groups and offers tips not only about the lat-
est scams but about how to protect yourself and what to do if your
identity is stolen. The most important thing is to be proactive,
Rick says. Anyone who gets access to your credit is going to try to
create as much damage as they can as fast as possible.
Researchers studying people in their sixties have found
that those who said they were in a mentoring-type rela-
tionship were 29 percent more likely to see meaning in
their lives.
Van Handel Eagles 1999
84
43
Discuss Your Worries,
Then Dont Dwell on Them
Some people keep their fears bottled up and just soldier on. Others
are so enmeshed in their worries that they can think and speak of
little else. Neither of these extremes is healthy. Voice your con-
cerns to those you are closest to, because you will feel better open-
ing up, you will feel closer to them, and often your problems will
seem smaller when you get another persons perspective. But do
not live within your problems as if it is they, not you, who exist.
You dont spend your life farming without more worries than
you can count, says Gus, who along with his wife, Emma, has
spent more than four decades farming.
All year round there are endless chores and constant worries
about all the things that must go right for the crops to flourish.
Each year is a careful balance in which the uncertain crop yields
must be enough to pay the certain debts, the mortgage on the
land, and the payments on the tractors and combines. During
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The 100 Simple Secrets of the Best Half of Life
some rough years, Gus says, we came so close to losing this farm
so many times, it was unbelievable.
And if thats not enough, each year more of the farms in their
area have been sold to housing developersnot only threatening a
way of life but encouraging all the agriculture-related businesses
that Gus relies upon to close up or move away.
Gus and Emma talk about the problems on the farm and reas-
sure each other that even with the struggles, they are exactly
where they want to be. This is all weve ever wanted, Gus says.
To farm a nice piece of land, to raise a family. This has been my
life, and what more can you ask for?
Those who felt comfortable discussing their worries with a
close friend or relative were 11 percent less likely to feel
overwhelmed by their concerns.
Gross and Simmons 2002
86
44
It All Looks Better over Time
The past never changes. Few things are more concrete and obvious
than that. Yet, what we make of the past changes all the time. The
good and the bad, the lessons and the mistakes, are subject to con-
stant revision. Understand that we all have a tendency to rewrite
our personal past, often smoothing out some of the rough edges to
make the past look unrealistically good compared with today.
It used to be so much easier. People were nicer. It was quieter.
Everything was cleaner. Life was just better.
Psychologist Kevin McNeil has heard variations on this theme
from countless people. He studies the way people reflect on their
past and finds that a certain creativity is often at work. We look
back at another time, and we immediately recognize that many
things were very different, he says. This gives us license almost to
reimagine what life was like.
Especially for those who are in a period of difficult transition, it
is very tempting to take the past and hold it up as an example of
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The 100 Simple Secrets of the Best Half of Life
what we wish for, all the while overlooking the struggles we went
through then.
Professor McNeil recommends that people keep the positive
memories of the past in mind, but not in a competitive or compar-
ative way: If you start measuring yesterday against today, youve
taken something away from your life right now. Instead, if you stop
to think about yesterday to celebrate it or to learn from it, then
youve done something that contributes to today.
People interviewed over the course of several years
became 2 percent more likely to report they had been
generally happy in the past each time they were asked
the question.
Field 1981
88
45
Keep Relationships on Level Ground
Feeling valued while valuing another is the surest sign of a
strong relationship. Demonstrate in what you do and what you
say that your relationship is balanced and meant for two people,
not just one.
On their thirtieth wedding anniversary, Max and Sarah thought
a lot about the journey they had been on together. Two of our
children were just beginning to plan weddings, and we wondered if
there was anything we had learned that we could share with them,
Sarah says.
Although they were in the midst of a celebration, their thoughts
focused on some of the tough times. Sarah focused on Maxs expe-
rience when he was laid off from a company that was downsizing.
It was awful for him, she recalls. He had given a lot to the com-
pany and expected he would be with them for a long time. Some
people, losing a job, would have crumbled from the blow to their
ego. But Max never lost sight of his family and our love for him.
And just as important, when he found work again, he never lost
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The 100 Simple Secrets of the Best Half of Life
that appreciation and respect for the importance of his family rela-
tionships.
Max spoke of what it was like when he and Sarah were just start-
ing out together. At first, neither one of understood the other very
well, he recalls. There were so many frustrations. We had argu-
ments over every silly thing in the book. It wasnt until we both
began to see things from the other persons vantage point that we
had any peace. We realized that its not just the way you react to
things, but the way you look at things. Its not just your view any-
more. It shouldnt be, anyway. If it is, youre probably in trouble.
In long-term relationships, the feeling of equity was associ-
ated with a 29 percent greater likelihood of feelings of sat-
isfaction with the relationship.
Donaghue and Fallon 2003
90
46
Adapt
There are milestones we know well and even enjoy. Events such as
graduations and weddings are times of great upheaval that mark
major transitions in our lives. Yet the reality is that a need to adapt
to changing circumstances is never greater than in the second half
of life. At an age when many are becoming more set in their ways,
circumstances demand flexibility. Embrace change. It will be hap-
pening all around you, all the time. The more you can see change
as an opportunity or at least as a challenge, the more satisfying you
will find your life.
When George hears about someone retiring, he thinks, Thats
nice. Talk to me when youve retired a third or fourth time.
George took early retirement from his career in engineering. At
a more conventional age, he retired from his second career, in con-
sulting. Bored at home, he soon took a job teaching, which he
recently retired from so that he could have more freedom to travel.
Lately, though, hes started doing some tutoring part-time.
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The 100 Simple Secrets of the Best Half of Life
I figure, my granddaughter seems to graduate from something
in school every year. She graduated from preschool, then from
kindergarten; then she had some kind of ceremony when she
played soccer. Im trying to retire as many times as she graduates,
George says.
Although he jokes about his experience, George thinks its
important for other people his age to be ready for change. The
nice way to look at it is: you have options, George says. You can
now ask yourself if you want to go to work or not. You can now ask
yourself if you want to stay in this home or not. The harsh way to
look at it is that all of a sudden the things you depended on may
not be there anymore, or may not be right for you anymore.
According to some studies, people in their sixties and
older who were willing to be flexible about their lifestyle
increased their life satisfaction by 38 percent.
Efklides, Kalaitzidou, Chankin 2003
92
47
Make Home Home
Your home must be a place of comfort for you. Invest in your com-
munity, whether that means the people in the house down the
street or the person living across the hall. If you feel at home with
them, you will feel at home at home.
Florence moved to a North Carolina retirement community and
discovered two things: she had no taste for the organized activities
available in the community, and she had even less taste for sitting
around alone.
I was sitting here in the apartment by myself, and that is not
healthy, Florence says. I was getting depressed. I thought to
myself, Ive got to find something to do in the evenings. So she
struck up a conversation with her next-door neighbor, talking about
the things they liked to do. We talked about books, and movies,
and music, and art, and all kinds of things like that, she says.
And then they started planning small group trips to the movies.
Each time they went out, their group grew slightly larger. I was
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meeting at least one new person every time. And then people I was
introduced to would later introduce me to others, Florence says.
Then she wondered if they should meet in the community club-
house to talk about other things they might do together. The group
set up a brief schedule of events with the idea that each occasion
would be interesting but informal, with no need to sign up or pay
anything. Just come in if you want to, Florence explains.
Events have included debates, lectures, forums for local political
candidates, and even book readingsnot by authors, but by mem-
bers of the group, who read from their favorite book.
This group makes me feel at home here, Florence says. This
group bonds us together in a wonderful way.
Positive feelings about neighbors have been found to be
associated with a 16 percent greater life satisfaction and
a 25 percent lower likelihood of experiencing feelings of
loneliness.
Prezza et al. 2001
94
48
Dont Let Irritation Be Louder Than Joy
Which is more important, good or bad? Regardless of which you
consider to be the right answer, bad is often a bigger part of our
thoughts. The traffic jam that bogs down our day stays in our
thoughts longer than the open road that sped us on our way. The
rude clerk is memorable long after the nice clerk is forgotten.
Remind yourself to see the good, to think about the good, to
remember the good. The good is out there just as much as the bad,
but we are often prone to miss it.
Katherine teaches a course on stress reduction. She sees people
burdened with frustrations and tensions that overwhelm them.
You can get to a point where theres almost nothing else in your
life, she says. And by that point, your entire system, mental and
physical, will be jeopardized.
Katherine asks her students to talk about some of the stressful
moments they have faced that day. Theres never a shortage of
examples.
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Katherine tells the class to think about all that theyve heard
from each other. There is an infinite quantity of stress available to
us if we choose to pursue it. The good news is, we dont have to
take all this stress on, she says.
Katherine offers practical tips for her students to avoid com-
pounding the worst moments of their day until it becomes their
worst day. First, take a deep breath, she advises. Deep breathing
helps calm us down. Second, watch your thoughts. Negative or
fearful thoughts create more anxiety and stress, so when you start
heading down that road, change the subject for yourself. Third,
give yourself an alternative. Practice visualization, and think about
what you like and what you want to happen.
Among those over fifty, the hassles of the day were three
times more prominent in their thinking than the pleasant
moments of the day.
Hart 1999
96
49
Geography Does Not Limit Family Life
Families confront geographic challenges all the time. Whether
because of the next generation moving off to find their own lives or
the parental generation moving away to fulfill dreams of a new
phase of life, families must deal with distance. But feelings matter
more than mile markers. Share your feelings and communicate
often with family members regardless of location, and geography
will not be a factor in your relationships.
When I was a little girl, if someone left to move to another
state, you pretty much figured you would never see that person
again, Janet says. But now you could move to another country
heck, you could move to the moonand youd still be able to call
and email.
Janet has grandchildren spread across three states. And though
she loves to see them and spoil them, the most contact she has
with them is by email. I check my email all the time, she says.
And whenever I hear from one of them, I get a little charge
inside.
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Her grandchildren tell her about school, their activities, and the
teams they play on. Im old enough to remember when people used
to write letters. Its like were doing that again. Except you receive
them immediately, and you can answer right back, she says.
Janet took a computer course so she could master all the ins
and outs of using the Internet and email. In my circle of friends,
Im the only one who knows how to send and open pictures in
email. I can do everything. I can send love to all my babies, all the
time. Its the best thing going.
Increased geographic distance, whether caused by adult
children moving away or by parents moving, did not re-
duce feelings of family closeness.
Glenn 1975
98
50
Vote
If you had a chance to help make a crucial decision, would you
want to have a voice? If you had a chance to affect the future,
would you act? The process of votingfrom learning about the
candidates to showing up on election dayis not only a crucial
civic duty but also a means of connecting us to our community
and giving us a feeling of personal responsibility.
At a forum held at a South Dakota senior center, there were two
things an audience of Democrats and Republicans could agree
upon. The first, as Fred puts it, was This campaign is a disgrace.
Just disgusting, says Barbara. The politicians are wasting a
lot of time and money saying a lot of words, but they arent telling
us anything.
The complaints were about all the negative attacks their Senate
candidates were sending out on television ads, radio ads, and
mailings.
Just as upsetting as what was being said, for some, was what
wasnt. When will they have a moment to address the economy,
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roads, schools, the high cost of living, health care, housing? They
never get to those because they are too busy calling each other
names, Barbara says.
The other thing the people at the forum agreed upon was the
importance of voting. Its almost like they dont want us to vote,
what with all these negative, nonsense ads. But Ill tell you what:
they cant keep me out of the ballot box. Even if I have to vote
None of the Above, Ill be there, Fred says.
I havent missed a vote in forty-eight years, says Barbara. Its
too important to stay home. Staying home is like saying you dont
care what happens to yourself or anyone else.
People who vote are 46 percent less likely to report feel-
ing distrustful and dissatisfied with government and 8 per-
cent more likely to report feeling satisfied with their lives.
Frey and Stutzer 2000
100
51
Forgive
We think of forgiveness as something we give to another person.
But the burden of being angry and disappointed weighs us down,
eating away at our relationships and bringing pain to our days.
Forgiveness is not a sign of weakness any more than anger is a
sign of strength. Try to forgiveif not for someone else, then for
yourself.
A grudge is not being able to get out of your mind some injus-
tice you think somebody committed against you. Too many people
are carrying them around, says psychologist Judy Lewis.
Regardless of the type of behavior that disappointed you, for
your own well-being, you need to get rid of the grudge, Professor
Lewis says. Forgiveness is absolutely essential if people are going
to move forward in their lives.
When you refuse to forgive, you have turned control of your
emotional life over to the very person who has hurt you. Only by
forgiving can you sever your emotional and psychological ties to
the offense, so they lose the power to hurt you.
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There is also the self-interest of protecting your own health. A
growing body of research on forgiveness suggests that forgiving
lowers blood pressure, reduces stress and depression, and boosts
the functioning of the immune system.
Ask yourself this question, Professor Lewis suggests: Do you
really value what that person did or said to such an extent that you
are organizing your life around that person and sacrificing your
own health?
In order to forgive, you dont need to condone or excuse the
inappropriate behavior of the person who offended you, she adds.
You forgive precisely because what they did was inappropriate. If it
was appropriate, Professor Lewis asks, what would there be to
forgive?
People with a higher tendency to forgive experience less
stress and are 21 percent more likely to feel strong social
connections.
Berry and Worthington 2001
102
52
Eat for Nutrition, Not for Compensation
When you water a plant, you give it whatever water it needs. You
dont give it extra just on a whim. It should work the same with
humans and food. But food for many is a tool for regulating their
mood. Food as anything other than a source of nutrition trans-
forms it from a requirement of life into a source of danger.
Jennifer is a nutritionist who specializes in working with people
in their late fifties and older. I see a lot of people who never really
gave food a second thought. If they liked it, they ate it. If they
didnt like it, they stayed away, she says. Then they get to a point
where they are concerned about their health or wish to get into
better shape, and for the first time they consider how big a decision
they have made by never deciding to eat right.
Jennifer says that although everybody would benefit from eating
right, bad eating habits are a more serious concern for older people
than for younger people: As we age into our forties, fifties, and
above, we lose bone density and our metabolism decreases. This
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means that what our body needs to thrive changes significantly as
we get older.
Jennifer tells her clients that one of the more valuable things
they can do is change how they eat. People over age fifty should
consider throwing out the idea of big sit-down meals and instead
think about eating smaller meals more frequently throughout the
day, she says. Small portions throughout the day help us to
maintain our energy levelinstead of having it plunge and peak
around our big meals. This also helps because making better use of
the food energy we create means we burn more calories.
As for what to eat, Jennifer again emphasizes meeting the bodys
needs. To keep their bones healthy, people should make sure they
are getting the recommended daily dose of calcium and vitamin
D, she advises, and they should moderate their consumption of
caffeine and soda. Drinking more water is an excellent alternative.
The most important thing is for people to be aware of what
they are doing and what they could be doing. A lot of folks dont
mind making more healthy decisions if they know what they
should be doing and why.
People with low life satisfaction were four times more
likely to develop a habit of continuing to eat once their
hunger was gone to compensate for depression.
Timmerman and Acton 2001
104
53
Were Happier Older Than Younger
The caricature of young people is that they are carefree and happy.
The caricature of older people is that they are grumpy and serious.
We think that getting older is inevitably a step away from joy, when
actually the opposite is true. Aging by itself is no threat to happi-
ness, and in fact older people are generally as happy as younger
people, or even happier.
Sam approached his upcoming sixtieth birthday with dread: I
was imagining it was going to feel gloomylike being sixty was a
burden I would have to carry.
And the truth is, he did feel awful on his birthday, but not for
the reason he thought he would. Lets just say I may have picked
the wrong day to try Thai food for the first time, he says.
Back on his feet the next day, Sam realized he didnt feel at all
bad about being sixty. It was like all this time I had been preparing
for how bad things were going to be, and then I realized I didnt
feel badI felt great, he says.
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Sam decided to dedicate his upcoming year to visiting the many
places in the country hed always wanted to see, and to visiting as
many relatives as he could.
People say youth is wasted on the young, Sam says. Well, Im
beginning to think that our golden years are wasted on the old.
Theres so much to do and so many options, if only we see them.
sometimes overlook, from a distance, how many pressures We
there are on young people to get their lives going in the right
direction. By comparison, my friends and I have a pretty good
thing going.
Studies comparing people over age sixty with those under
age thirty-five found that those in the older group were 8
percent more likely to feel happy about their lives.
Mather and Carstensen 2003
106
54
Each Part of Life Must Function
A good job will make life satisfying no matter what life is like at
home. A good life at home will make work satisfying no matter
These are common ideas, but they are not true.
how hard it is.
Positive feelings from one part of our lives will not overcome diffi-
culties in another. You must strive for satisfaction in every realm of
your life that matters to you.
With a career path that led him down three very different direc-
tions and a family life that has at times been a great struggle,
Larry has given a lot of thought to the balance of work and home
life. Ive had times when Ive worked too much and not paid
enough attention to my familys needs, Larry recalls. And Ive
had times when I was thinking about my family and not concen-
trating on my job.
I read about an expert who said people were working longer
hours just to stay away from their families. But how can that really
work? Your family is part of who you are. Do you really think you
can turn that off just because youre in an office somewhere?
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The 100 Simple Secrets of the Best Half of Life
And it works the same the other way. If your job is dragging
you down, you wont forget that burden when you are back home.
Work and home life are pieces of us. If ones broken, were bro-
ken. Its like with a car: three working tires do not make up for a
fourth that is flat.
Among those over fifty, feelings about work had no value
in predicting feelings about home life, and vice versa.
Each set of feelings was independent and contributed sep-
arately to life satisfaction.
Hart 1999
108
55
See the Person, Not the Label
We know that we should think of others as individualseach with
their own needs, each with their own interests and abilities. But we
fall into habits and assumptions that sort people out. Not only can
this kind of thinking be a source of great conflict in our lives, but it
also prevents us from seeing the capabilities of others, and even
the capabilities of ourselves.
Rose doesnt spend a minute of the day outside her workplace
without people making assumptions about her.
If I bring my car in for service, they speak to me as if Ive just
stepped out of the stone age and cant possibly comprehend the
basics of an engine, says Rose. Yet in many ways Im just like any-
one else, adds the twenty-five-year teaching veteran who has spent
even more years of her life as a nun.
It makes the importance of looking within ourselves even more
clear to me. We are so good at looking at the surface, at making
assumptions. But those assumptions do not serve us when were
young, and they certainly do not serve us when were older.
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Rose learned early in the classroom that the poor students she
encountered often floundered not because they were incapable but
because people expected too little of them. If you ask a person for
the least they can offer, they generally will give just that to you,
Rose says. I dedicated myself to not operating based on expecta-
tions, based on what others may have concluded.
Especially as we get older, Rose says, preset expectations can
close off potential friendships, sour relations within a family, and
make your life less than it could otherwise be.
People who were quick to apply stereotypes to others
were 27 percent less likely to report that they were trust-
ing of new people they met and 15 percent more likely to
say they had trouble making new friends.
Amato et al. 2003
110
56
Laugh Your Way to Answers
Laughter is more than a smile and a fond memory. Laughter is fuel
for hope. When we laugh, problems shrink and creativity flows.
When we laugh, we see possibilities where we once saw only diffi-
culties. Seek people and situations that make you laugh, and the
parts of life that arent funny will seem easier.
Long before he retired, he was depicting what he thought it
would be like. In one scene, a group of spiders sits together on a
front porch. One asks if he ever mentioned the time he was away
from his web and a bug flew right into his mouth. One of the other
spiders rolls his eyes, thinking to himself that hes heard that story
a hundred times.
Gary Larson made up his own world of scheming cows, clever
chickens, conversing insects, and nerdy scientists and turned it
into a cartoon. His odd humor looked at life in unique ways
through the eyes of humans, animals, and various sorts of mon-
sters.
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Starting with an occasional cartoon published in an obscure
Seattle magazine, Garys work captured peoples interest and ulti-
mately became the comic The Far Side, carried in almost two
thousand newspapers around the globe.
Gary believes his humor was a means to both amuse and offer
some perspective. There are worse ways to spend your time than
having a laugh and maybe a thought every now and again, he says.
But he never sought the limelight, and with his cartoon follow-
ing growing, he just walked away. His fear was that his work would
lose its original humor.
Even though Gary is now out of the cartoon business, humor is
still as important in his life. Seeing the funny and the absurd
makes for a good day, he says.
People who said they laughed a lot were 23 percent less
likely to think there were obstacles in their lives that they
could never overcome.
Olsson et al. 2002
112
57
Exercise
You know you are supposed to exercise. Every doctor will tell you
that. What you might not know is that something as easy and
pleasant as walking is a valuable exercise. Whats more, exercise is
as important for how you feel about yourself as it is for your
health.
Tricia had never given serious thought to exercise except to
imagine how awful it would be. You see those people run by you
on a summer day, she says. Theyre drenched in sweat and look
ready to pass out. I thought, If thats what it takes to be healthy,
count me out.
But a trip to the doctors office lead Tricia in a different direc-
tion. He basically said I was an excellent candidate for just about
everything you dont want to happen. And then he sent me to a fit-
ness counselor, she recalls.
Tricia reluctantly followed her doctors orders. She was sur-
prised to learn how many different choices she had when it came
to exercise. You can exercise with a class full of people, if you need
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The 100 Simple Secrets of the Best Half of Life
some kind of public aspect to get you to actually do something. Or
you can exercise on your own, literally in your own living room,
she adds.
Tricia started with a monitored walking program in which she
would record her daily walks and periodically meet with her coun-
selor. She found she wanted to do more and wound up signing up
for a spinning class.
And now she says she never wants to stop. It takes an effort to
come here, but after exercising I feel 100 percent better, she says.
Once you get into the exercise routine, the mind and body basi-
cally require it.
Studies of people over fifty found that those who partici-
pated in a regular exercise program improved not only
their health but their feelings of well-being by 39 percent.
Stacey, Kozma, and Stones 1985
114
58
Feed and Cultivate Friendships
We associate friendships with fun and goodwill. But friendships
also take effort. We need to apply ourselves to the task of staying in
contact and constantly tending to the foundations of old and new
relationships. Though we are sometimes tempted to lose touch
with friends because it is so easy to do, remember that each friend-
ship we maintain adds purpose and joy to our lives.
Emily and Pat were friends almost since the day they were born.
Our mothers were best friends. We were born just a few months
apart, and from the start we would be in one anothers home, play-
ing with each others toys, Pat says.
Growing up in New York City, they attended school together and
were as close as sisters. After school, though, they drifted apart.
They both got married and then went off, literally, in opposite
directions as Emily settled on the East Coast and Pat on the West
Coast. For many years they exchanged holiday cards and the occa-
sional note, but they gradually fell out of each others lives.
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Theyd had no contact for more than a decade when Pat had the
idea of trying to track down her old friend on the Internet. I didnt
have her number or address anymore, and I had no idea where she
might be, Pat recalls. Imagine my surprise when I found an
address for her and she was living only ten minutes away.
Pat wondered if she should call, but then couldnt stop herself.
After we talked, I felt like she just got back from summer camp,
Pat says. We just started right back from where we were before.
They see each other constantly, sharing meals and telling the
stories of their lives. Still, Pat wishes she hadnt let the friendship
fade away. Its harder to keep close over time, and you can forget
how much it means to you. I know this. I wont let it happen
again, she says.
Having more close friendships was associated with a 19
percent greater life satisfaction and a 23 percent greater
sense of optimism.
Richburg 1998
116
59
Communicate on Their Terms
Whether its a personal conversation or a huge speech, the point of
communication is to make ourselves understood. The desire to
express ourselves in our own terms is strong and can lead us to
lose sight of our audience. Dont think in terms of what you want
to say; think in terms of what you want your listener to hear.
A roomful of people sit silent and still. They are hanging on
every word Jay has to say.
Jay is speaking just above a whisper, describing how a young
woman slowly gains the trust of a ferocious tiger. One day the
woman plucks one of the tigers whiskers and scampers off to give
the whisker to a wizard who needs it to concoct a potion.
The audience gasps and groans with each twist of Jays story.
Jay is part of a growing community of people who practice the
art of storytelling. Sharing stories is a very humanizing part of
life, he says.
Jay doesnt read his stories from a book, nor are his audiences
limited to children. Jay tells stories as a way of offering entertain-
ment and of feeling connected to an audience.
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And when hes not telling stories, he offers a class on how to tell
stories. Jay emphasizes the importance of the audiences perspec-
tive. Storytelling requires sincere eye contact and natural hand
gestures to really keep a listeners attention, Jay explains. You
have to remember that holding their attention is the essence of the
experience.
Jay believes people have the potential to be much better com-
municators than they realize. Many people have a great capacity
for storytelling and dont even know it, he says.
People who said they thought about things from their lis-
teners perspective were 48 percent more likely to be
rated as effective in their communication efforts.
Chen and King 2002
118
60
Remember to Care for Yourself
When Caring for Others
When we are a caregiver for a loved one, nearly all of our efforts are
poured into that persons life and needs. It is truly a selfless act.
But we must remember that to care for ourselves is not a selfish
act. We have to make sure there is enough support in our lives to
sustain the efforts we are making. Respecting your needs is the
best way to continue offering care to someone else.
It happened right in front of her, in her own home. Brendas
brother Mark suffered a massive heart attack. He survived, barely,
but his brain had been deprived of oxygen, and he had suffered
brain damage.
At first Mark was placed in a group home. But he wandered
away a number of times, once depositing himself on some railroad
tracks frequently used by freight trains.
Brenda took her brother in because she wanted desperately to
keep him safe, and she hoped a family environment would help him.
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But every day is a struggle. Her brother keeps a random sched-
ule, getting up at any time of the day or night, turning on lights
and appliances as if preparing to head out for a job that doesnt
exist. Each day Brenda must attempt to bring her brother back to
reality, or close enough to reality to keep him safe and her house-
hold functioning.
Marks disability sometimes tempts one into thinking he can get
better. He can do some chores around the house if I ask him. He can
do the vacuuming, but you have to keep reminding him to keep
going, because he forgets what hes doing while hes doing it, Brenda
says. Mark can remember Elvis Presley songs, because his long-term
memory is pretty much intact, but he cant remember now or take
in new information. He thinks theres nothing wrong with him.
Every time Brenda sought some kind of respite care, Mark
rebelled. We tried placing him in a center just for a few hours at a
time, just for an afternoon. But he resisted, she says.
Brenda was ready to give up on the thought of as much as an
afternoon alone, but counselors encouraged her to keep trying
alternatives because, they said, no one can handle the burdens of
providing constant care. Finally we found a home health aide who
Mark responded to without being threatened, Brenda says. Now
once a week she takes care of him for a few hours.
Without her, I dont know what we would do.
Caregivers who relied upon the support of friends, family,
or support groups to help them deal with the emotional
burden of caregiving were 59 percent less likely to report
feeling overwhelmed by their responsibilities than were
those who faced caregiving alone.
Richardson and Sistler 1999
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61
Be Careful Choosing Home Associations
Condominiums and other forms of community home owning are
popular, and increasingly so for those heading into retirement.
Give serious thought to the rules of any condominium you are
buying into, though, and especially the enforcement techniques of
the home owners association. Community disputes are among the
greatest sources of stress for many people, because there is literally
no escape from them. Seek a community that not only fits your
needs but fits your values as well.
Bernadette is in her eighties and lives in a condominium with
her Chihuahua, a dog so small it can fit in Bernadettes purse.
Officially, her condominium did not allow pets. But Bernadette
didnt really think anyone would care about a tiny creature that did
not make any noise and was never allowed outside on the condo-
miniums common property.
For five years, Bernadette and her dog lived in her condo-
minium without any problem.
Then one day a condominium board member saw the dog.
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No pets allowed, he said. Bernadette replied, Get a life.
The condo association got an attorney and started proceedings
to evict Bernadette. She held her ground, deciding that if she had
to choose, she would rather lose her home than her companion.
Just having her and petting her, its very therapeutic, she says.
For older people, they have to have something to live for, some-
thing to take care of.
Many fellow residents jumped to her defense, signing a petition
asking the board to stop its efforts against her and her dog.
Ultimately Bernadette received a reprieve with the help of her
doctor, who said the dog was crucial to her well-being. But the expe-
rience soured Bernadette on her community. Apparently around
here its rules first, people second, dogs third, she says.
Participation in contentious organizations contributes to
24 percent increased stress levels and a reduced sense of
satisfaction.
Bozeman et al. 2001
122
62
See Around Career Roadblocks
After enough time in a field, you become an expert. You know your
job better than anyone else, and you know how things could be
organized not only to make you work better but to make everyone
around you work better. Often with this expertise, however, comes
frustration, because there may not be any way for you to bring
your vision into reality. Overcoming this frustration requires see-
ing another way around the problem. Find an outlet for your
expertise, be it within your workplace or in some other setting.
Advertising is a strange line of work. It sits right at the inter-
section of creativity and commerce. If its too much of one, it gen-
erally fails at being the other, Elliot says.
Elliot was good at what he did, but he often felt stifled by the
limits of his work: You can take something only so far before its
too new, too different, and then your idea will never make it
through the internal steps and be presented to a client. And even if
it did, the client would likely object.
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Elliot saw this in his own career and also saw the frustration in
his colleagues. These are some of the most creative people you
could imagine, he says, but some of them felt like they were run-
ning a race with lead weights in their pockets, so that they could
really never go as fast as they were capable.
Elliot realized he could not reinvent his company, much less the
entire advertising industry. But he could provide a new outlet for
bottled-up creativity.
Elliot opened a small gallery featuring all kinds of art and cre-
ative pieces. His first step was to invite his co-workers to bring him
anything they might be secretly working on or have hidden in their
garages and basements. He says, They responded with paintings,
drawings, photos, sculptures, jewelry, handmade furniture, and
things you just cant describe.
The art is nice, and the shop is even clearing a tiny profit. But
the point of it is to feel all the way alive.
Research on veteran teachers found that 64 percent were
burdened with significant frustration at administrators
lack of interest in their views. Those who overcame their
frustration typically redirected their energies toward mentor-
ing new professionals or finding an outlet for their expertise
outside the school.
Clarke 1998
124
63
See a Kid, Be a Kid Again
Regardless of whether there are children in your family, there
should be children in your life. Children not only bring an energy
and a vitality to our day; they offer us a unique view of our life.
Whether its babysitting, coaching, or volunteering at your local
school, find a way to involve yourself in a childs life, and you will
feel like a kid again.
When Warren turned sixty-five, he started to wonder how much
there was left to do.
Retired from a career in sales, Warren had seen his children
move out long before. Apart from the occasional project around
the home, there was little to do in the average day.
You reach a point where you feel like youve accomplished what
you set out to accomplish, or at least as much as youre ever likely
to. And you look around and question not what comes next but
whether there is a next, he says.
After taking a battery of tests inspired by a health scare, Warren
came to learn he was in better health than he imagined. Try as
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they might, the doctors couldnt find anything in me to worry
about, he says.
Warren was ruminating over his future one day while taking a
walk through a beachfront park. He saw a sign that read: Children
Must Be Accompanied by an Adult.
He looked around and saw that there seemed to be an adult
there with every child. Some of the adults he saw were building
sand castles; others were playing ball. They were all smiling and
having fun.
But there were plenty of adults there without a child. And he
wondered if perhaps the people who wrote the sign got it back-
ward. Maybe it should say: Adults Must Be Accompanied by a
Child, he muses.
Warren, taking the example to heart, went home and found the
phone number for the local little league. Now hes an assistant
coach for a team of seven- and-eight-year-old ballplayers. Ill tell
you this: I havent had this much fun since I dont know when,
Warren says.
Ninety-two percent of grandparents thought that the role
of grandparenting had made their lives significantly more
satisfying, in part because the contact made them feel
young and excited.
Peterson 1999
126
64
Stretch
Do your body a favor, and stretch every day. Its not exciting. It
seems like the kind of thing you would do before running a race.
But it is important to give your body a stretch on a daily basis to
help improve your circulation and to help prevent injuries.
Sue learned the importance of stretching at an early age. My
father was a competitive gymnast. Of course, stretching was an
absolute necessity for him before he began to subject his body to
those kinds of strains, she says.
Growing up, we had a miniature gym at home in the basement
with rings, weightsthe whole thing. He taught us from about as
far back as I can remember the importance of stretching in a seri-
ous manner before you begin to exercise.
Sixty years later, stretching is still a part of Sues daily routine:
First thing in the morning before breakfast, I do thirty minutes of
stretching in my bedroom. Im exhilarated afterward. Youre aware
of your body opening up, of being alive.
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Sue thinks too few people appreciate the value of stretching. It
seems so passive, people doubt it does any good, she says. But the
parts of you that need stretching are not on the surface. The good
it does is very real, even if you cant see it. A good stretching rou-
tine will not only help you heal if you get injured, it will help you
avoid injury in the first place.
Studies of people over fifty found that those who stretched
frequently were 11 percent more likely to say they felt
healthy.
McAuley et al. 2000
128
65
Let Old Secrets Stay Secrets
Do you have to tell everything? No. There are many rewards for
honesty and open communication. They are valuable foundations
for a close and respectful relationship. But revealing long-held
secrets can cause irreparable harm to a relationship, because time
can serve to magnify the importance of the information. Share
everything you feel you can, but realize there can be costs to shar-
ing yesterdays secrets.
They consider themselves the ultimate interfaith couple. Laura
is a minister at a conservative Christian church, and Robert is a
minister at a Unitarian church that espouses no single religious
foundation.
Laura and Robert have been married for twenty-two years, and
when they are not leading church services, they work together,
counseling couples. When we say you dont have to agree on
everything, were living proof of that. We disagree on some of the
most basic tenets of life. But at the same time we respect each
other and each others beliefs, says Laura.
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Although they are open about their beliefs and their differing
views, they tell other couples that that does not mean they share
absolutely everything. People get confused when they think that
being open and honest means they say whatever pops into their
head, Robert says. Thats not open and honest, thats communi-
cating as a small child would. Open and honest is communicating
what matters the most.
When someone is struggling with a past misdeed, Robert asks
them to think about whether, if the shoe were on the other foot,
they would want to know about it. At first we all say yes, but given
time, we come to question whether the pain of the information
outweighs its value, he says.
For Laura and Robert, communication means they never shy
way from serious discussions about their religious views, often
leading to hours of debate. But we never feel that everything we
ever think, or everything weve ever done, has to be on the table,
adds Laura.
Studies of couples married for more than twenty years
found that 62 percent thought that confessing a long-ago
act was more dangerous than helpful.
Finkenauer and Hazam 2000
130
66
Listen to Your Favorite Music
A song is so much more than sound to us. It is a feeling, a memory,
a new world, a trip back to an old world. Keep music in your life
wherever you go.
Some have never played an instrument before in their lives.
Others have been tinkering around with one for decades.
They have two things in common: they all love music, and they
all are over fifty.
Members of the New Horizons Band, a national network of ama-
teur musicians fifty and over, have organized more than one hun-
dred chapters across the country.
Its like a runners high, says Peter, a retired doctor and a
trumpet player. Endorphins get released. You dont want to go to
bed after we play.
Though many band members have to deal with some physical
limitations, they all persevere. With peripheral vision on the
decline, it makes it harder for the musicians to watch the conduc-
tor, says Bob, who serves as a conductor for three Atlanta-area
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The 100 Simple Secrets of the Best Half of Life
New Horizons bands. Speaking with diplomacy, Bob says that such
conditions make for interesting times. Every performance is dif-
ferent. As one band member says of Bob, He has a knack for
telling you youre playing very badly without making you feel bad.
Senior players also enjoy advantages, Bob says: They really
want to play, and they have a lifetime of music in their heads.
Thats a fantastic resource to draw from.
Its a great escape, Peter says. When youre here, you can for-
get your other worries and troubles and get lost in the music.
In studies of people in their sixties and older, all partici-
pants showed an improved mood and greater feelings of
satisfaction when they were listening to their favorite
music.
Burack, Jefferson, and Libow 2002
132
67
Practice Maintenance for Life
We dont buy a house or a car and expect it to stay in good working
order over the years without regular upkeep and repairs. Yet we
often think our relationships will keep going regardless of how we
treat them. Give your relationships, whether friendships or family
connections, regular attention and effort so that what you value
will keep on being there for you.
Everybody I know has a good friend, someone they were very
close to, and then lost touch with. I was committed to trying to
avoid that with these guys, says Tony by way of explanation for the
twenty-second annual edition of the Seventh Avenue News.
As boys, Tony and his buddies grew up together in Brooklyn.
We all had plans. We were going to do this, see that, take over
this, Tony recalls.
School, jobs, and the military quickly scattered the group. But
Tony paid careful attention to his friends addresses and would
write them from time to time. Soon the letters back and forth
were filled with questions like Have you heard from Mickey?
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The 100 Simple Secrets of the Best Half of Life
Whats he up to? I decided that rather than our sharing the scat-
tered information with each other one at a time, it made more
sense to write it all down once.
Thus was born the Seventh Avenue News, filled with the goings-
on of the buddiestheir lives, their families, and their friendships.
Mickey says hes grateful for Tonys efforts: Because of Tony, the
people I considered friends for life when I was a boy really are
friends for life. They have been a part of the major events of my
life.
People who said that maintaining the health of their rela-
tionships was a priority were 22 percent more likely to
find their social lives satisfying.
Weigel and Ballard-Reisch 1999
134
68
Call Town Hall
Your local government and countless nonprofit agencies exist to
help you, whether you are looking for a tennis court to play on or
need some advice on calculating your taxes. Often an area supports
useful programs that few people are aware of. Call your city hall
and ask about whats available locally. Not only will you benefit
from the programs; youll feel better about your community.
The town council of Wellington, Florida, decided that there was
a disconnection between what the town had to offer seniors and
what seniors knew about the towns programs. You can work very
hard to address the needs of a community, but if people dont know
what youre doing, you can never really succeed, says Richard,
who was hired to be the towns first senior-services coordinator.
Richard, working under Wellingtons recreation department,
found himself seeking to expand the towns offeringswhich in-
cluded an exercise program and a safe-driving coursewhile pub-
licizing everything the department does.
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The 100 Simple Secrets of the Best Half of Life
He developed a wider series of courses and activitiesand
launched a magazine-style bulletin that brought together the
towns offerings in one place and was sent to all residents. Richard
made it a priority to create schedules further in advance, so that
people could plan to attend. Some of the courses we offer are
ongoing, Richard explains, and you are much more likely to
attract people to a three-month program if they have some oppor-
tunity to plan for it.
Richard has seen the list of programs expand beyond the
recreation-oriented services offered previously to include art and
photography classes, current-events classes, and even events
geared for grandparents and their grandchildren.
We have a lot to offer, he says. I just need to continue to seek
out the areas where seniors are and let them know about us.
People who were aware of local and city programs for
such things as transportation, recreation, and social sup-
port were 22 percent more likely to say they liked living in
their communities.
Michalos and Zumbo 1999
136
69
Pay Attention to Nonverbal Communication
There is a big difference between talking to someone in person and
talking over the phone. When we can see the person, we process
not only what they say but everything about their appearance. As
we age, we tend to be less attuned to the nonverbal cues that are
presented to us. This means we lose much of what is being com-
municated, including hidden meanings and humor. If you want to
know what someone is really saying, pay attention to more than
simply what they say.
Harvey teaches a course on communication skills. Half of what
you are communicating does not come from what you are saying,
Harvey maintains. He tells people that their eyes, their hands, and
their posture are all telling a story, whether they consciously mean
them to or not.
As we get older, we increasingly become creatures of habit. Our
walk is our walk, regardless of what it might look like. Our smiles
and frowns are coming, regardless of whether theyre appropriate,
he says.
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The 100 Simple Secrets of the Best Half of Life
Harvey started with a focus on business communication but
soon realized that communication habits were just as important in
peoples personal lives. It may sound superficial to tell someone to
think about their smile. It may sound superficial to tell someone
to think about the way they sit in a chair, Harvey says. But if the
ultimate goal is to be understood, not misunderstood, you have to
be aware of the messages you are sending.
At the same time, missing the cues others are sending is a sure
contributor to conflict. If you are not paying attention to the body
language of the other person you are speaking with, you are likely
to make more false assumptions about their thoughts and feel-
ings, Harvey explains.
Harvey says its all about understanding others and being under-
stood. If you dont know what a word means, you look it up. This
is the same thing. If you dont realize what nonverbal messages are
coming from you and to you, you need to find out, he says.
Researchers found that, compared with people in their
twenties, people in their sixties were 27 percent less likely
to correctly process nonverbal communication such as
facial expressions.
Thompson, Aidinejad, and Ponte 2001
138
70
Wash the Dishes
Household chores are no ones idea of fun. But doing your share
sends a message that you care about your home and want to fully
participate in meeting all its needs. You can communicate respect
with little acts as much as big.
Kathleen and Alf have been married for seventy years. The West
Virginia couple have a simple recipe for a good relationship: she
cooks; he cleans.
You share what has to be done, Alf says. Its a pretty simple
thing. Nobody wants to have to do everything. And they shouldnt.
Kathleen credits her husband with understanding the impor-
tance of being a partner in all aspects of life. He hasnt changed
hardly any since we got married, she says. Hes always been will-
ing to help me all he can.
Thinking about all the modern conveniences younger genera-
tions rely upon, Alf shakes his head: And with all that, they just
get more lazy.
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The 100 Simple Secrets of the Best Half of Life
Of course, theyve had their disagreements. You cant live with
somebody seventy years and not have some spats. We made that
vow, that were going to make it, Kathleen says. We have our ups
and downs like everyone, but we never let it get that far to ever
want to separate. Alf adds, Youve got to give and take. Thats the
only way to make it.
But beneath it all there has always been love and respect. Show
love and respect every day, Alf says. Even if its just cleaning up
after dinner.
Willingness to consistently participate in household chores
was associated with a 31 percent higher relationship sat-
isfaction and a 15 percent higher life satisfaction.
Austrom et al. 2003
140
71
Be Open to a New View
There is no reason to start each day as if you must relearn every-
thing and make up your mind again on every issue. That would be
absurd. It would be equally absurd, however, to start each day as if
there were nothing you might learn and no reason to reconsider
anything youve decided. Be open to a new way of doing something
or a new way of thinking about something.
To John, novels were something you read because you were
forced to. Your English teacher tells you to read this five-hundred-
page thing and write an essay. You trudge home carrying it, and
every time you turn the page, you hope youve made it to the end,
John recalls.
As an adult, John would read about people or places that inter-
ested him, but he had no interest in fiction. Its all made up. What
do I need that for? hed say.
One time he was a few minutes early picking up a friend from
what turned out to be a book-club meeting. I peek in, and all
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The 100 Simple Secrets of the Best Half of Life
these people looked like they were having a blast. And all they were
doing was talking about some book, he says.
Johns friend told him he shouldnt dismiss the idea of enjoying
novels just because he didnt care for them when he was fifteen.
1984 for its next
The book club was reading George Orwells
monthly meeting, and his friend convinced John to give it a try.
I picked it up, and I couldnt put it down, John says. There is
so much in there that applies to our society, our politicsI mean,
about how they are today, in real life. I had a pen, and I was under-
lining different sections and writing little notes.
John attended the meeting and wound up in a heated discussion
about the book and its implications. Though he didnt have any
thoughts on which book the group should read next, he had defi-
nite plans to read their selection and attend their next meeting.
People over forty who could identify at least one change in
their viewpoints or behavior in recent months were 8 per-
cent more likely to feel hopeful about the future and 5
percent more likely to say they were generally in a good
mood.
Grossbaum and Bates 2002
142
72
Love Evolves but Can Stay Strong
Any task that needs to be endlessly repeated is exhausting and
intimidating. Having a strong relationship requires one loving
and respectful day followed by another followed by another and on
and on for beyond the foreseeable future. Although excitement may
launch you on this journey, respect and concern will sustain you.
Roger and Connie have been married long enough to remember
a time when people were expected to stay married forever. There
werent many divorces, Connie says, but that doesnt mean there
were a lot of happy marriages, either.
Most people have a certain role during a certain time in your
life. Your parents are in the center of your life, but you grow up
and leave. Your friends are in the center of your life, but then you
get older and head in different directions. But your spouse is in the
center of your life when you are just starting out, in the center of
your life in the middle, in the center of your life at the end.
What you dont know when you are starting out is that plain
old-fashioned love is not enough. Everybodys in love when they
get married, but if that were enough, there would be no divorce.
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The 100 Simple Secrets of the Best Half of Life
How can you possibly keep your relationship strong over so
many years? Is it hopeless? No, but you have to let it become a new
relationship every now and then. It may start out all flowers and
romance, but that cant last forever. It has to become a real friend-
ship, a passionate friendship, Connie says.
You need to enjoy the moments as they come, she adds.
Nothing stays the same forever, but good things can turn into
other good things.
Married couples with high levels of mutual respect
become 2 percent more likely to say their relationship is
highly satisfying with each additional year they remain
together.
Rosen-Grandon, Myers, and Hattie 2004
144
73
Use a Computer
With a computer, the world is literally at your fingertips. Whether
its to track down an obscure fact or to keep in touch with loved
ones, computers give people a tool that helps them feel in control.
You should make a computer a regular part of your life, because no
matter what your interests are, a computer will help you access
things that matter to you.
When the state of Maryland instituted a community-service re-
quirement mandating that high school students spend some time
volunteering for their community, Clarence had an idea.
Many of the seniors he knew were curious about computers but
didnt know how to use them. High school students, Clarence rea-
soned, were probably the most expert computer users in town. He
contacted school officials and asked if they had any students inter-
ested in fulfilling their community-service duties by teaching basic
computer and Internet skills to seniors.
School officials were enthusiastic and sent over a group of teens.
Finding the seniors proved to be the difficult part. They were skep-
tical that they could learn something new, Clarence says.
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The 100 Simple Secrets of the Best Half of Life
But before long, a team of sixteen- and seventeen-year-old
teachers were tutoring sixty-, seventy-, eighty-, and ninety-year-old
students. The students lacked even the most basic knowledge of
computers, but the teenage teachers patiently led them through
the steps, starting with learning how to turn the machine on, and
now the seniors are emailing, searching the Internet, and using
software.
I believe technology can be an enormous help in reducing iso-
lation, particularly among the elderly. It can help people communi-
cate, express themselves, expand their knowledge, says Clarence.
In people sixty and older, the personal use of computers for
communication, information, and entertainment was associ-
ated with an 11 percent higher degree of life satisfaction.
Schiffman, Sherman, and Long 2003
146
74
The Youngest and Oldest Like
Work the Least
You may not have very much in common right now with the
twenty-year-old version of yourself or with your twenty-year-old
relatives. But chances are you do have one thing in common: rela-
tively less enjoyment in your work. Interest in work tends to peak
in the forties because that is generally the time of greatest possibil-
ity in the workplace. Capture your interests, whether they can be
used in the workplace or not, and see the larger world in which
you can contribute.
From my perspective, you dont really want to be the new guy
in the office or the old guy in the office, says Len, who was once
the former and is now the latter.
The new guy makes everybody else feel competent because he
doesnt know how to do anything yet. Hes useful mainly to go
fetch heavy things from the storage closet. And theres always the
underlying notion in everyones head that if somebody has to go, it
should be the new guy.
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The 100 Simple Secrets of the Best Half of Life
The old guy makes everybody else feel competent because he
doesnt know how to do anything anymore. He may know how to
do things the old way, he may have even come up with the old way,
but he hasnt kept up with any improvements in how things are
done. And theres always the underlying notion in everyones head
that if somebody has to go, and the new guy turns out to be all
right, then it should be the old guy.
To Len, being the new guy or the old guy requires you to see
things beyond your routine. You have to get out of that notion
that life is what happens at work, he recommends. Life is what
happens when you are not at work.
When you ask the question about meaning, about whether this
is all there is, you need to answer no. Your energy is out there in
the world. There is a need for your personal engagement in the
things you care about.
Enjoyment of work is greatest among people in their mid-
forties and is least among those in their twenties and six-
ties.
Hochwarter et al. 2001
148
75
Compromise What but Never Who
As we age, we get more set in our ways. It is a natural consequence
of experience. Trying to get along with the people in our lives offers
us a constant stream of opportunities for compromising to keep
the peace in our social world. Of course, you should be open to see-
ing others perspectives in general, and especially on things that
are not crucial to you. But you should be willing to maintain your
personal views on the things that matter most to you, because
compromising who you are will prevent you from respecting your-
self and enjoying your relationships.
Youd like to think that as you get older, I dont know if you get
smarter, but at least you get a little wiser, Margaret says. Maybe
you dont know how to solve every problem or every disagreement,
but youre supposed to understand better where these problems
start, and maybe how to steer clear of them.
Margaret laments that within her family fifty years of being sis-
ters still doesnt seem to have taught us very much. Instead,
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Margaret says, she and her two sisters are still having some of the
same arguments they had when they were teenagers.
The subjects may change a bit, she explains. Were not argu-
ing about boys or who gets to borrow the family car. But theres
still this sense of jealousy, of an unstated pecking order in which
each of us tends to see ourselves as first among the sisters.
Lately, Margaret has sought to try to figure out the difference
between the disagreements that really dont matter and those that
do. I refuse, I absolutely refuse to have any variation of the who
makes better pie discussion ever again. I give up. I have nothing
more to say in defense of my cooking, Margaret adds.
At the same time, Margaret says she simply cant bite her
tongue when disagreements arise over the care of their mother:
This is too important to me. Important isnt even a strong enough
word. How you treat your mother, especially when she is in need, is
to me the definition of what kind of person you are.
A willingness to compromise on trivial matters was associ-
ated with 62 percent more positive social relations, but a
willingness to compromise on matters of values and per-
sonal vision was associated with 34 percent less life satis-
faction.
Bargdill 1998
150
76
Your History Strengthens Your Future
Your personal history is not over. It is a part of you every day. The
more you strengthen that historyby thinking about it, talking
about it, writing about itthe more you will see the beauty of the
life youve led and the possibilities of the life you are living.
Mary has lived through changes in everyday life she couldnt
have dreamed of as a girl.
While she was growing up, just trying to get some light to see at
night in her familys cabin was a terrible chore. We had oil lamps,
she recalls. You had to fill them, trim the wicks, and you had to
keep washing the globes, because they would get sooty.
Late in her teens, electricity finally came in. All of a sudden, if
you wanted light, you just turned it on, she says.
When she was a child, there was no indoor plumbing in the
cabin, either. Mary, her parents, and her brothers and sisters used
an outhouse set far back from their home. The thought of using
the outhouse during the cold winter months still gives Mary chills.
You didnt stay long, she remembers. You did what you went for
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and got out of there. When we finally got plumbing, I sure didnt
miss the old way.
Though there was no shortage of hardships in her youth, Mary
also enjoyed a close relationship with her parents, six sisters and
two brothers, aunts and uncles, and grandparents.
It wasnt until she had a family of her own that Mary started
writing about her childhood experiences. My daughter said to me
one time I had better put some of the stories down she was hearing
from my parents and from me, because otherwise they would be
lost forever, she explains.
Mary decided to sit down with pen and paper and see what
would happen. I was writing at first to give my children and
grandchildren their history, but then I saw I was giving myself a
history lesson, too. Sometimes you dont appreciate where you are
until you take a good hard look at where youve been, Mary says.
People who wrote about the history of their lives were 11
percent more likely to feel happy with their lives and 17 per-
cent more likely to feel optimistic about the future.
Yamada 2000
152
77
Share Your Home
We generally think of opening our home to others as a sacrifice we
make only until our children become adults. But sharing our home
with others is good for us. Humans are social beings that depend
on consistent contact with others. Sharing a home, whether in a
family situation or with a friend or a roommate, creates a human-
ity in our lives that we cannot achieve on our own.
John has no patience with cooking. For him, preparing a meal
gets no more complicated than pouring cereal and milk into a
bowl. Guy was trying to find his way after a divorce left him unsure
and alone.
Apart, these two fifty-something men found more struggle than
hope in their days. But when Somerset County, New Jersey, started
a program to help place county residents in home-sharing oppor-
tunities, John and Guy both thought for the first time about the
possibility of having a roommate.
Introduced to each other by the program, neither man was con-
vinced it was a good idea. When you think about it, it sounds kind
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of strange. Who ever heard of moving in with someone you dont
really know, and not because you have to but because you want
to? John asks.
But before long, both thought it was worth a try. Guy moved
into Johns home. They began by sharing chores but soon were
sharing their stories. A friendship blossomed.
Just because you live alone doesnt mean you always want to be
alone, says John. There is a need for friendship that never goes
away. Im grateful Guy and I could meet, because it has made life
easier for both of us.
John admits there are compromises to be made: Its a bit of an
Odd Couple
thing. Hes neater than I am. But those are just idio-
syncrasies. What matters is that youve got to give and take, and if
you do, you have a friend.
People over fifty who shared their home with another per-
son were 27 percent more likely to feel healthy, 32 per-
cent more likely to feel optimistic about their lives, and 61
percent less likely to feel lonely.
Altus and Mathews 2000
154
78
Honor Your Spiritual Beliefs
Discomfort in our lives comes in many shapes and sizes, but the
most pressing concerns are basic matters of life and death. We
desire a life well lived and a death of grace. People with firmly held
spiritual beliefs enjoy a strong sense of purpose in their lives and
see death as another chapter in life. Let your spiritual beliefs guide
you, not only to your ethic, but to your joy.
Robert has lived his personal and professional life around his
religion. As a Presbyterian minister, he has mentored countless
people through their lives, careers, and spiritual journeys.
Now Robert is making a major career transition of his own.
With an eye toward his eventual retirement, he is sharing his
church responsibilities with a young co-pastor, Brian. Robert and
Brian alternate offering sermons and share the many small-group
and personal counseling tasks that Robert has long built into his
schedule.
Brian knows that many ministers could not accept the idea of
sharing their workload, their positiontheir churchwith anyone.
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I have been approached in the past to be a co-pastor in other situa-
tions, and I have declined because it really has to be a special pastor
who would truly share the position. Robert has done that gra-
ciously, Brian says.
Robert sees the transition not as a threat to his ego but as a cel-
ebration of his faith. My role is to help Brian help the congrega-
tion adjust from me to him and to his leadership, Robert says. It
keeps the momentum going, and it keeps peoples interest high.
This is not about the end of my role. Its about the importance of
this church in the lives of all our congregants, including my own.
Regardless of which religion they subscribed to, those over
fifty who said they had strong spiritual beliefs were 4 per-
cent more likely to be happy.
Francis, Jones, and Wilcox 2000
156
79
Wear Many Hats
We use only a fraction of our powers. Most of us operate as if mini-
mizing our efforts, whether intellectual or physical, were the ideal.
When we maximally use our abilities to pursue our various inter-
ests, we maximize our capacity to live.
Sometimes, after William is introduced as an eminent historian,
he rises to the podium to tell the audience about specific battles of
the Civil War.
Other times hes introduced as a NASA engineer, and he dis-
cusses the next generation of spacecraft.
Still other times hes introduced as the Irish ambassador to the
United States, and he analyzes our countrys policy regarding
Europe.
And occasionally hes introduced as a research biologist, and he
discusses the struggle for life in Antarctica.
When William speaks, his comments are initially filled with jar-
gon specific to the topic. You can look around the room and see
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The 100 Simple Secrets of the Best Half of Life
some people wondering if this is all going to be too deep for them
to understand, William says.
But the real problem kicks in when someone asks a question.
Somebody once asked me how much time I spent in Antarctica
doing my research. I said, Enough to know the polar bears by
name, he recalls.
The questioner, looking puzzled, countered, There arent any
polar bears in Antarctica. Polar bears live in the Arcticthe oppo-
site end of the globe from Antarctica.
With a nod, William replied, Is that right? And then he came
clean to his audience.
William, it turns out, is not a biologist. Nor is he a historian or
an ambassador. Hes a former salesman who gives speeches to civic
and social groups. Only the person who invites him to speak knows
that he offers more than a dozen phony expert speeches on all sorts
of topics. Williams speech lasts until hes found out or runs out of
material from his hastily created notes. Then he continues with
stories about his experiences as a real person and as a would-be
expert. The joy of this job is that Im always thinking on my feet,
he says. I never know how it will go, because no two experiences
are the same.
People over age fifty who said they defined their lives
around multiple roles were 20 percent more likely to be
highly satisfied.
Grocer 2001
158
80
Put Stuff in Its Place
Understand the limited value of the things you can buy. The pur-
suit of whatever is bigger and newer traps people in an endless, and
unfulfilling, cycle of getting and spending money. Define the
things you truly value, and do not let yourself get caught buying
for the sake of buying.
Pam helps people organize their stuff. People get too much
stuff, and it starts to take over their homes, she says. Pam changes
the layout of closets, helps consolidate things, and ultimately tries
to get owners to consider how much of what they have is really
necessary. Then after Im done, if Ive done a good job, their home
functions better and stuff wont overwhelm them, she adds.
Her theory is that clutter drains energy and creativity, and that
getting rid of it opens the door to greater productivity, personal
growth, and peace.
It was a sad irony for Pam when her aunt died and Pam inher-
ited her home. It was packed with things in no discernible order.
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There were valuable items mixed in with things that were senti-
mentally valuable mixed in with things that seemed to have no
purpose whatsoever, she recalls.
Pam encourages people to think through what they have and
what they value, especially items of personal and family signifi-
cance. People think they will have endless time to sort through
things and make sense of it all, she says. But it slips down on the
list, and if they dont act, many unique and personally treasured
items get lost in the crowd.
Among participants in one study, those whose values
were the most materialistic rated their lives as the least sat-
isfying.
Ryan and Dziurawiec 2001
160
81
Seek Meaning
You want to live in a nice home and enjoy certain luxuries. You
want to have a certain position of respect in your community. But
no accomplishment will be of value to you unless there is meaning
in your life. Unless you know what you are living for, the style in
which you are living will not matter one bit. Seek the meaning in
your life and in what you do, and you will feel satisfaction in the
process, regardless of the outcome.
Professor Joe Talbot runs a research center on aging. He deals
with quality-of-life issues for people in their fifties, sixties, and
beyond. Professor Talbot says the question of meaning in life takes
on a special significance when people reach their fifties.
Before age fifty, he explains, most people have almost an
automatic identity either through their work or through their fam-
ily or both. There is little need or time for big questions of mean-
ing, because the influences of life are so powerful and ever present.
You do what you have to do, and you rarely ask why.
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But then you reach a stage in life when you enter a new phase.
You may be winding down a career, you may be retiring, your chil-
dren may be off raising children of their own. And for the first
time, you are confronted with a combination of big questions and
big openings. Because now you can go in a new direction. You can
redefine yourself, because the responsibilities you have carried are
no longer there.
Professor Talbot says the greatest gift people can give them-
selves is the opportunity to think through what they really believe
and value. We accept so much automatically. The beauty of find-
ing a meaning and purpose in our lives is that it is totally our own
creation, he says.
Professor Talbot calls it a process of finding our voices. He
says there is reason for optimism because many people succeed in
making new meaning. Their lives make sense to them. Theyre able
to wake up in the morning with a sense of giftedness. They find
tasks and projects, commitments and ties that make sense of their
days.
Those with a modest income who felt there was meaning
in their lives were twice as likely to experience life sat-
isfaction as were those who were wealthier but who felt
that their lives lacked a sense of meaning.
Debats 1999
162
82
We Never Outgrow Jealousy
Some behaviors that we regard as silly we will eventually outgrow.
Others we will never rid ourselves of. Jealousy is one of the latter.
We make constant comparisons between ourselves and others, and
we keep constant watch over the possibility that someone might
intrude into our relationships. Understand this instinct in yourself
and in others, and acknowledge that, even with the wisdom of
years, you need to actively control your inclination to be jealous.
The radio host Diane Rehms distinctive voice is known to the
millions who listen to her talk show. For more than four decades,
she has been married to attorney John Rehm.
People married for that long are expected to be experts in hav-
ing a happy relationship. Yet John and Diane say thats hardly the
case. We have struggled mightily, John says, cautioning that
thinking everything can be perfect is one of the most formidable
challenges that couples face.
Though they have remained faithful to each other, friendships
sometimes became sources of suspicion. At one point, John briefly
moved out.
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But jealousies have raged in many directions. When they were
first married, Diane felt that John paid more attention to his
mothers priorities than to hers. I felt I was a second-class citizen
in my own family, Diane says.
Meanwhile, Johns professional life was coming to an end as
Dianes continued to expand. John admits to thinking less and less
of his own accomplishments as Dianes success grew. When some-
one referred to John as Mr. Diane Rehm, those feelings only
intensified.
Both John and Diane recognized that such jealousies have been
a part of their lives, and they both have resolved not to take them
out on each other. The bad feelings come. The question is what
you do with them. We recognize them, but we realize there is
something more important to our love than our feelings of jeal-
ousy, John says.
Even among those happily married for more than two
decades, a majority have concerns about the possibility
that their spouse may commit adultery.
Shackelford and Buss 2000
164
83
Cherish Your Heritage
Where you and your ancestors came from tells you a lot about
yourself, about your past, and even about your future. Whether you
are keeping family stories alive, continuing traditions, or just
appreciating your background, you benefit from staying in touch
with the history of those whom you consider to be your people,
because it gives you a sense of belonging in an often isolating
world.
Nearing fifty, Vince is one of the youngest members of his
Chicago-area Italian-American club. He appreciates the culture,
the cuisine, and the traditions of his heritage, and he enjoys shar-
ing them across the generations.
The citys Italian-American festival was so much a part of our
summer when we were growing up, says Vince. My parents made
it important to me, and I want to share that with other people.
But hes concerned that older club members have not done a
very good job of making their organization relevant to the next
generation. Younger people in here, its like theyre the hired help.
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The 100 Simple Secrets of the Best Half of Life
They tell them, Here, just set up these chairs, Vince says. What
a shame it would be for people to lose touch with their history,
with this community. I want to see us do a better job of sharing the
celebration of our heritage with people of all ages.
Vince is trying hard to see that long-standing traditions con-
tinue, and maybe even improve. He has worked on changing the
route of the citys Columbus Day parade so that it reaches more of
the Italian-Americans across the city.
The good news for Vince is that hes seeing a lot of interest in
learning about Italian culture in different ways. And that makes
you feel like you have a good connection to people.
People who were interested in their family and ethnic his-
tories were 6 percent more likely to feel satisfied with their
lives.
Mowrer and McCarver 2002
166
84
Share Your Fun
The regular leisure activities of our liveswatching our favorite
television show, listening to music, engaging in a hobby, playing a
gameare a great source of comfort, amusement, and pleasure.
But their value is much greater if we share them. Comedies
become funnier, music more moving, hobbies more interesting,
and games more compelling. More important, the social connec-
tions we build in this way will retain their importance long after
we lose interest in the original activity.
In her spare time, Kemvia had been known to drive race cars
around a track at top speeds. It was thrilling, exciting, and a bit
scary.
Today, when she isnt planning excursions, she spends a lot of
her time behind the wheel working as a parks-and-recreation
supervisor, escorting groups of senior citizens on trips across the
state of Virginia. They visit all kinds of parks and natural wonders,
and different cities and towns throughout the state.
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The excitement of these adventures gets your blood flowing,
and thats why we do different things, Kemvia says. We go with
about twenty-five people. Folks come out with their friends and see
things and places theyve never seen before.
I just love Kemvia, and I love these trips. Shes a real good
travel guide, and we all have such fun together, says one of her
regular participants.
And the excitement of driving is there for Kemvia, too. Its
wicked out there on the road, she says. Someone will cut the bus
off, and then my passengers will raise Cain in the back at other
drivers. And I say, You tell em. Her job and her hobby finally
came together when she took the seniors on a tour of a racetrack.
People who said they frequently engaged in leisure activi-
ties with others were 31 percent more likely to typically be
in a good mood than people who engaged in such activi-
ties by themselves.
Hills and Argyle 1998
168
85
Pay Attention to Your Dreams
Your dreams are more than a fleeting source of nighttime enter-
tainment. Much like the dashboard of your car, which tells you
whats going on under the hood, your dreams tell you whats going
on inside your system. Pay attention to whats happening in your
dreams, remember them, and write them down, because they are
an important clue to what you are really feeling.
Right after finishing school, Monica started working as a flight
attendant. She began with short flightsmilk runsback and
forth between nearby cities. Over time she moved on to interna-
tional flights and had her pick of European and South American
destinations.
She enjoyed the work. She enjoyed the schedule, which allowed
her to work for a series of days and then take a series of days off.
And she loved the opportunity to see the world. For me, the job
was everything I could have wanted, she recalls.
Monica had plans of staying in the air until she retired. But then
the work started to wear on her physically and mentally. When I
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hit fifty, Monica says, it really began to be physically draining.
Then I started to feel less enthusiastic for everything. It became
harder to laugh off irritating things that hadnt bothered me
beforelike the tug of war with a passenger who says, I wont put
that under my seat. I just didnt want to deal with certain triviali-
ties anymore.
But Monica really decided she had to make a change only when
she started having a series of dreams in which she felt continually
isolated and scared. There was so much negativity in my days that
even when I was asleep, my brain was focused on negative things,
Monica says. It was as if my body was sending me a message that
it was determined I get, one way or the other.
Six months later she was working in sales. With her new job
firmly on solid ground, her dreams returned to much less turbu-
lent subjects.
People who regularly dream about negative or traumatic
events are 13 percent less likely to feel satisfied with their
lives.
Kroth et al. 2002
170
86
All the Time Is Too Much
Time with loved ones and friends is wonderful. But spending all
your time with a loved one or friend will be counterproductive.
Neither of you will enjoy the time as much, nerves will fray, and
instead of feeling better for the time invested, you will both feel
worse. Spend time together, but not all the time.
Adam and Kay have been married for more than forty years.
They have three children and seven grandchildren. They consider
themselves blessed, and they treasure the time they spend together
as a couple and as a family.
But they realize that part of what makes that time special is that
they live their own lives, too.
Adam and Kay have kept a routine they had when they both
worked. Now, instead of going out the door to work and then
returning each night to have dinner together, Adam and Kay sepa-
rately plan their days activities until dinnertime, when they eat
together and spend the evening together.
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Two people sitting around all day get under each others feet.
Little things start to irritate you, and then everybodys grumpy,
Kay says. Instead, he has a day. I have a day. And we can look for-
ward to being together for supper and talking about our days.
They approach time with their family the same way. When we
visit, we make it clear that everybody should keep on living their
lives, Kay explains. Twenty-four hours a day of grandma and
grandpa is not what any eight-year-old wants. But when we all take
a walk together after dinner, its the greatest feeling of together-
ness you could hope for.
Maximizing leisure time spent together reduced marital
satisfaction by 30 percent among those married for more
than three decades.
Crawford et al. 2002
172
87
Regrets Hold Us Back
We cant change the past; we cant improve it. Dwelling on past
disappointments can change the future, but only to make it worse.
Relieve yourself of the burden of past regrets. Your goal is to set
the best course for the future, not to suffer over the imperfections
of the past.
On the surface, Nathan would seem to be a good candidate for
living with a heavy load of regret. He put every penny he had, and
even some that he borrowed, into starting a business that never
prospered. He came home from work one day and found that his
wife of twelve years had packed up her things and left him. Didnt
even say good-bye, he says. And three years later, his home was
flooded in a hurricane.
You know what I regret? Nathan asks. Nothing.
I dont pretend I didnt make mistakes. I made a lot. And its
clear I had some poor runs of luck. But the way I look at it, its the
good and the bad that made me who I am. If you go back and
change something, who knows what you are left with?
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And thinking about what Ive lost gets in the way of thinking
about what I havewhich is a long time in front of me to do
things right or to do things better. I cant let regret stop me now.
Then it would be all over.
Those who frequently thought about mistakes that they
had made and regrets that they had were 17 percent less
likely to feel happy with their lives.
Jokisaari 2003
174
88
See Your Goals
When we become adults and start careers or families, we have
numerous goals for our lives. We can see them clearly and know
what we have to do to move toward them. Yet the same should be
true at any stage of life. Goals give us focus and purpose. Re-
gardless of what is important to you now, your goals should be
clear and visible every day.
With his camera always at the ready, Bob Jordan has photo-
graphed hurricanes, governors, presidents, a war, and champion-
ship basketball games. In more than three decades as a newspaper
photographer, hes handled assignments of every imaginable kind.
Bob says that the key to his career in newspapers, which he
began as an apprentice, helping to print the paper, has been a con-
stant dedication to the goal of doing his job as well as he can do it.
I had this noble vision of putting something together that
people were going to read a few hours later, Bob says. Even
though I was walking in at the lowest level, I felt a tremendous
responsibility to do it right. Bob took seriously his fathers belief
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The 100 Simple Secrets of the Best Half of Life
that nothing in work is guaranteed but that the one thing you
can control is how hard you work.
Bobs career in the printing room advanced gradually until he
decided to seek a photographers position. It was a chance for him
to take the pictures hed been hard at work printing in the paper.
Bob had no degree in photojournalism, no experience, not even
a basic understanding of the tools of the job. But I had the goal to
do the job well, Bob recalls. And for me, it was a dream come
true. He studied the techniques of the more experienced col-
leagues he would meet at events, and he soaked up all the informa-
tion he could.
Today Bob is valued as a mentor to countless photojournalists.
And even with all the experience he has, he still gets to events in
advance of his media colleagues so that he can be better prepared.
And though hes a skilled veteran in the trade, he still gets nervous
before every assignment. Ive never lost that, Bob says, whether its
going out and shooting a head shot or covering a basketball game.
Your name goes on the picture. I want it to be the best it can be.
Some people might try to coast as they get older. But thats not
for me. I dont see why, as you get older, you cant get better.
People who could identify a goal they were pursuing were
19 percent more likely to feel satisfied with their lives and
26 percent more likely to feel positive about themselves.
Krueger 1998
176
89
Give the Gift of Yourself
Giving gifts to loved ones, especially children, can be a challenge.
The stores are stuffed with increasingly expensive items that we
hope will function and hope will be of some value to the recipient.
But the chase for the better gift is ultimately fruitless. Little endur-
ing satisfaction comes to the giver or to the recipient, and the
nature of the gift is often soon forgotten. Instead of busting your
bank account for the next round of gifts, give something of your-
self. Though some of us have the talent to actually make gifts, any-
one can make special plans to spend time with a loved onea gift
that will hold lasting meaning.
Surveying the living room after the birthday party for her seven-
year-old grandson, Bobby, was over, Claire felt overwhelmed by all
the boxes and scraps of wrapping paperbut even more so by the
piles of toys. I thought, Hes only one boy. How could he possibly
play with all those things? Hed need to be up twenty-four hours a
day just to get to some of them, she says.
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The 100 Simple Secrets of the Best Half of Life
Although Clair loves her grandson and loves for him to have
gifts, she asked herself if there wasnt a better way. I know he likes
Spider-Man. I went to the store and found out that you cant just
give him Spider-Man, because now theres 212 different Spider-
Mendifferent costumes, different poses, and so forth. Well, how
many Spider-Men does one boy need?
She talked it over with her daughter and son-in-law, and they
agreed that the toys had gotten out of control. And so for Bobbys
next birthday, Claire decided to try something else.
Her gift, she decided, would be a day trip to wherever Bobby
wanted to go within fifty miles. I wrapped up a map, with a circle
drawn fifty miles around his home, she explains. Then the two of
them talked about all the different places they could go. It was so
much different than just throwing another toy on the pile, she
says. Here we were, planning this together, talking, and then there
was the day itself.
Ultimately they decided on a trip to a park that offers public
tours of a cave. Having never been in a cave, Claire was a bit anx-
ious about the visit. But afterward she thought she had never given
a better gift. I think Bobby enjoyed it, she says, and I know Ill
never forget it.
Among parents studied, greater expenditures for family
gifts actually reduced satisfaction with family holidays by
2 percent.
Kasser and Sheldon 2002
178
90
Boredom Is the Enemy
There is only one true waste of time: boredom. Boredom is the
feeling that there is nothing worth doing. Your time becomes a
hurdle to be overcome instead of a resource to be treasured. Doing
absolutely anything is more productive than boredom.
Whats the expression about how something boring is about as
exciting as watching paint dry? Harold asks. Well, Ill tell you,
there were days I would have signed on for that in a minute.
Which wall will be dry first? Id wonder. It looks dry on top, but I
bet you cant touch it yet.
Harold took early retirement from a career in the construction
industry with the idea that he could do all the things hed always
wanted to do but never had the time for. But then after I did all
the things Id always wanted to do, I was lost, he recalls.
Harold looked at the lives of his retired friends and found that
although no two were doing the same thing, they all seemed to be
doing something: Some un-retired themselves. Some threw them-
selves into volunteering. Some had big family responsibilities like
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helping to care for grandchildren. They just didnt seem to be mak-
ing a life out of nothing, which is what I was trying to do.
Harold didnt really want a job, but when a friend suggested
there were other ways he could put his knowledge and background
to use, he headed to his local planning and zoning committee. The
committee advises the city council on proposed new construction
projects, judging whether they are appropriate for the town and
whether the plans fit the character of the neighborhood involved.
Harold was appointed to a seat on the committee and found him-
self fascinated by the task. You really see the town on another
level from this vantage pointand it always gives me something to
think about, he says.
People over fifty who frequently experienced feelings of
boredom were three times more likely to describe their
lives as empty and two times more likely to be apathetic
about the future.
Bargdill 2000
180
91
Redefine Career
At one time, a career for most people meant a multidecade com-
mitment to a single employer. As the economy changed, many
adapted to the expectation that a career might involve not only
many employers but a number of different specialties. Your task
now is to adapt to the meaning of career again. Whether or not you
will be working for pay, you can have a career. And you can have it
on your terms, for your purposes. Your career is whatever you
think is the most valuable pursuit in your life.
At various times, Howard ran an insurance company and owned
racehorses. When he was in his late thirties, his doctors advised
him to stop working, warning that otherwise his fragile health
would worsen. He did stop working for a while. But, dabbling in a
few tasks here and there, he found his early retirement to be unsat-
isfying.
In his mid-fifties, though, Howard found an opportunity that
inspired him. He decided to take his career in another direction as
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The 100 Simple Secrets of the Best Half of Life
he formed a small company that purchases prescription medicine
in Canada and imports it to the United States.
The practice remains legally questionable. The federal govern-
ment does not allow prescription drugs to be imported, but several
local governments are actively buying medicine from Howard and
his competitors.
Part traveling salesman, part social activist, Howard spends
countless hours in rental cars and hotel rooms, traveling around
the United States to meet with senior citizens and local govern-
ment officials. He tells them that they are being overcharged by
the drug companies. The United States of America pays a ridicu-
lous price, and the seniors carry the burden, and its wrong,
Howard tells his listeners.
Howard does not know how long this work will be possible. If
the laws change to make this easier or harder, either way Im out of
business, he says. But he does know hes enjoyed the work. And,
he adds, Im back. This might end, but I will find something else
that needs my attention.
People over sixty who were the most flexible in defining
the concept of a career were 36 percent less likely to feel
disappointed with retirement.
Crosnoe and Elder 2002
182
92
Travel the Stable Road
Peaks give way to valleys. It is a simple law of nature. Your emo-
tional highs will give way to emotional lows. The best route to con-
sistently feeling good is to value the plateau.
The first baseman had cancer. The second baseman, shortstop,
and third baseman have all had heart attacks. And if you think
thats bad, wait until you hear about the shape of our outfielders,
says Ted.
On this softball team for men in their fifties, sixties, and seven-
ties, major health difficulties have been a part of almost every
players life.
And yet, those problems are rarely discussed. We dont talk
medicine, Ted says. Very seldom do we talk about ailments and
hurts, because weve all had them. So we play through them and
dont think about it. Were having fun.
They make an exception for on-field injuries. Ted and his team-
mates love to talk, for example, about the time he tripped while
rounding third base and broke his leg. When it happened, the first
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The 100 Simple Secrets of the Best Half of Life
words he heard from a league official were not Are you OK? or
Do you need some help? Instead, says Ted, The guy says to me,
Youre out.
The bottom line for Ted and his teammates is simple. Ted puts it
this way: We can all still hit. And the rest of the day goes a little
smoother after youve knocked one over the right fielders head.
People who experienced fewer dramatic changes in mood
were 21 percent more likely to maintain an optimistic out-
look on life.
Hills and Argyle 2001
184
93
Its Less What Happened
Than What Happened Next
You will face difficult times. Everyone does. But how things turn
out for you has less to do with the events themselves than with
your response to them. Answer the challenges that are presented to
you, persevere through the traumas that may occur, and you will
be made stronger for your life ahead.
Doug had lost his wife to illness only a year before. Grief was
still fresh within him. When there was a knock on his door early
one morning, his first thought was that whatever would bring
someone to his home at that hour could not be good.
Soon he would learn that his brother, one of the people he was
closest to, had been killed by what the media called the sniper,
which turned out to be two serial killers who had been terrorizing
the Washington, D.C., area in 2002.
Doug had seen footage on the news about the string of deadly
crimes and had discussed it with his brother. But he didnt imagine
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The 100 Simple Secrets of the Best Half of Life
for a moment when he had heard the latest tragic report that the
unnamed victim was his brother.
When his wife died, Doug figured that he could take one of two
paths: he could be bitter and angry at the cruel loss, or he could
accept that she was in a better place and that he would have to go
on living his life. He tried to hold those same thoughts as he faced
the excruciating task of telling his elderly parents that their son
was gone.
It was more painful than he could describe. But as a family,
Doug, his parents, and his other relatives resolved to not let the
pain destroy them. We decided that we had to be strong enough
not to question or become bitter, he says. Its not easy, but we
still need to realize all the wonderful things weve been privileged
to experience.
A family is like a table, with each person a leg. We feel the loss,
and it aches. But were going to have to fight through this and live
with a wobbly table.
The length of time that personal tragedies continued to affect
life satisfaction ranged from days to decades, depending on
the persons response to the stressors.
Hamarat et al. 2001
186
94
You Define Success
It is all up to you. No outcome can force you to feel successfulor
to feel that you failed. No other person can convince you that what
you have is good or bad. It is up to you to define what life means
and where you stand. Define your life for yourself.
Vola didnt travel the usual path to her career or in her career.
She started in public service in a sense: on the sidewalk outside
city hall. She participated in various protests, seeking fair treat-
ment for the citizens of Alexandria, Virginia, just across the river
from Washington, D.C. Later she took a low-level job in city hall.
When the city conducted a national search to hire a city man-
ager, the top professional job in the city government, they decided
that the best person for the job already worked for them. When
Vola was named city manager, she became only the third woman in
the country to run a city of more than one hundred thousand.
City managers usually dont last very long in their jobs. They
must constantly maintain the support of the mayor and city council
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The 100 Simple Secrets of the Best Half of Life
members, and many who succeed in their work soon seek larger
cities to run.
In her fifteen years on the job, though, Vola has held the sup-
port of four different mayors and dozens of city council members.
And she never sought a position in a bigger city.
I love what I do, she says. I think that some managers plan to
build their careers moving along, almost as if you were in the mili-
tary moving around. But I lived in Alexandria before taking this
job, and Im going to live in Alexandria after this job. I think I
know the city, and Ive been very fortunate to work with terrific
mayors and city councils.
Its how you define success. There are a lot of nomads out there
who decide they want to keep moving to a bigger city. But being
city manager in Alexandria was, in my mind, a success.
Personal feelings of fulfillment are four times better at pre-
dicting life satisfaction than are any objective or structured
measures of life outcomes.
Scannell, Allen, and Burton 2002
188
95
Never Stop Learning
There is really only one way things ever improve. Progress comes
from learning. The learning may come from a teacher, from a
book, or from experience and personal curiosity. But no matter
what its origin, learning is the essence not only of a societys
progress, but of personal progress. The decision and commitment
to continue learning are the decision and commitment to continue
truly livingand to live not just as you always have but as you
truly can.
Charlotte retired from a career in retail sales. She moved to
Florida with her husband, but she found that no combination of
golf, shuffleboard, and bingo could hold her attention.
Then she wandered over to the local college.
She found not only that she was eligible to audit traditional
courses but that the school had an entire program geared just for
seniors: classes with no homework or tests but plenty of lectures
and discussions. And these werent frivolous topicsserious
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The 100 Simple Secrets of the Best Half of Life
things like foreign policy and advances in biomedicine, Charlotte
explains.
She enrolled in a course and loved it. I was looking around for
something to fill a void, and I found it, says Charlotte. It used to
be, at sixty-five, you went out to pasture. But the senior commu-
nity has found out that the brain is a muscle and that unless you
use it, it atrophies.
Charlotte has been inspired not just by the faculty but by her
fellow students. No one has to push them, shove them, or beat
them over the head to be here. Theyre here by choice. And they
take this opportunity very seriously, says Charlotte. My fellow
students are always challenging the instructor with interesting
questions, and they wont let anyone get away with superficial
answers. More than anything, these students bring the experience
of a working life with them.
And the best part is, after every class I go home thinking.
People over the age of fifty who said they continued to
learn about topics that interested them were 18 percent
more likely to feel satisfied with their lives and 43 percent
more likely to feel vital.
Helterbran 1999
190
96
View Your Life as a Choice
In some sense, everything that has ever happened to you reflects
the collective result of an almost infinite series of choices. From
the trivial to the crucial, your choices brought you to this moment.
In recognizing that your choices matter and that they guide you,
you are taking on a burden, but you are also giving yourself the
opportunity to accept lifes outcomes and to decide what kind of
future you want.
Part of the year it was much too cold. And part of the year it was
much too hot. But before he retired Tom treated each day deliver-
ing the mail in the same Indianapolis neighborhood as a chance to
do work he enjoyed, surrounded by people he liked.
Tom made friends with the residents as he delivered the pieces
of paper that defined their lives: wedding announcements, college
acceptances, job offers, love letters. He went to their parties and
their funerals. He cherished his job for its simplicity, the friendli-
ness of those he delivered to, and the routine and rhythms of his
days.
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The 100 Simple Secrets of the Best Half of Life
Over the course of his career, Tom had many opportunities to
switch to a different route. He could have had one that involved
less walking or less climbing. But he always declined, because he
didnt want to leave the neighborhood he felt so close to.
I felt very comfortable being out here, seeing the same people
all the time. Ive made friends with them, Tom says. A lot of the
people have gone through pretty much every stage of my life as it
developed over the years.
Walking up and down the streets, Tom served as the collective
eyes and ears of the neighborhood. One time Tom foiled a home
robbery when he saw two men inside a house and knew that the
owner was away and that no one should have been in there.
Toms co-workers have long admired his attitude. He said, This
is the work I chose. He never complained, one says. He loved
getting up at the crack of dawn, because he was going to get out
there and he was appreciated.
People who said they felt significant disappointment with
the outcome of their lives were 14 percent less likely to
dwell on that disappointment if they viewed their lives out-
come as a reflection of their choices and not as something
they were powerless over.
Robinson-Rowe 2002
192
97
Make Your Mark on the Next Generation
We need to know that we have accomplished something. We need
to know that what we have done has had some lasting value. There
is no better way to meet those goals than to influence the next gen-
eration. Whether it is through family, a friendship, a community
group, or even through benefiting people well never know, we
need to see that what weve done continues. Keep the next genera-
tion in the forefront of your goals, and rest assured that their
futures will benefit.
Rita didnt have a lot. She didnt have a lot of money, and she
didnt have a lot of free time.
But the time Rita did have she loved to spend in her garden.
Rita planted almost every inch of her backyard with vegetables.
Every day her neighbors would see her out there in her boots
before and after work, weeding, planting, watering, and caring for
her tomatoes, corn, squash, carrots, and cucumbers.
But its what she did with her vegetables that her neighbors
were most impressed by. Living in a poverty-stricken area, Rita not
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The 100 Simple Secrets of the Best Half of Life
only was willing to share what she had but insisted that her neigh-
bors share in the bounty.
And for those who had no idea what to do with a squash, Rita
was ready with recipes and ideas.
Health problems eventually slowed Rita down and kept her from
her garden. Instead of missing the season, though, her neighbors
pitched in and planted it for her.
I swear, the only reason half the children in the neighborhood
ever saw a fresh vegetable was because of Rita, one neighbor says.
You dont meet too many inspirational people, but Rita is an inspi-
ration.
Age, income, and health are four times less likely to pre-
dict whether a person is happy than is whether the person
feels he or she is having a positive effect on a younger
person.
Azarow 2003
194
98
Why Not Be Optimistic?
Without hope, what would you ever have tried? Nothing youve
accomplished, nothing youve enjoyed would have been possible
unless you had first seen possibilities. Seize that view to guide you
to the future you desire.
Just starting out in the business world, Charles Blasband
wanted a job working for a dynamic employer, where he had the
potential to advance.
Charles got a call from the head of the Citrus County, Florida,
hospital inviting him to interview for a job as the hospitals chief
financial officer.
When he drove to the hospital, he thought he must have gotten
the address wrong. He was staring at an unassuming one-story
building that hardly resembled any hospital hed ever seen when he
was growing up in Philadelphia.
After a tour of the facility, the hospitals CEO took Charles out
for a drive in the surrounding area. Charles thought he was wast-
ing his time.
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The 100 Simple Secrets of the Best Half of Life
Driving through rural farmland, the CEO told Charles that he
thought the hospital had potential, that he thought Charles had
potential, and that if he was as talented and dedicated as he
appeared, Charles would be running the hospital before long.
Charless skepticism melted away at the sound of the magic
words that made him think there was something special in store
for him at Citrus County Hospital. Sure enough, six years later
Charles was promoted to CEO.
As the hospital grew, so, too, did Charless responsibilities.
Under his leadership the facility expanded its emergency room,
added operating rooms, and erected a new building for physicians.
He tripled the number of beds, and he created a heart-care facility
offering the only open-heart procedures anywhere in the region.
The typical hospital executive stays on the job for about five
years. More than twenty-five years later, Charles is still running
Citrus County Hospital. I first thought this was just a bump in the
road, he says. But then I thought it could be something more.
People with a tendency to see things optimistically were
42 percent less likely to feel burdened by their age and 29
percent more likely to feel a sense of well-being.
Lounsbury et al. 2003
196
99
Theres No Deadline for Your Dreams
We spend our whole lives making plans. We set goals for ourselves
in every part of our lives, and once in a while we look back and see
what weve accomplished. Though it is reasonable to have a time
frame for our lives and our goals, the truth is that the dreams we
had when we were younger dont have an expiration date. Live your
life toward your dreams. No one will ask you what day it is when
you get there.
He has spent twenty years in the military. Hes married and has
six children. He drives a minivan.
And, hes playing college football for the University of South
Carolina.
Tim Frisby went straight into the military after high school. He
loved sports as a child and would have loved to go to college, but
he felt that the military was his best career opportunity. Through-
out his two decades of military service, he followed college football
and his favorite team, South Carolina.
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The 100 Simple Secrets of the Best Half of Life
As an army ranger, he made fitness a constant part of his life,
but he often thought of the day his military career would be over.
I dreamed of playing college football. It was in the back of my
head every day, he recalls.
His teammates have nicknamed him Pops. But although hes
older than some of his teammates parents, Tim spends not a
moment wishing he was younger.
Tims not out to prove a point, either. I dont want to be a nov-
elty, Tim says. I dont want to be sitting on the sidelines, with
people saying, That guy is thirty-nine, but hes not really con-
tributing. I want to contribute.
The South Carolina coaches rave about his attitude, his com-
mitment, his work ethic, and his leadership abilities. He sets an
example for his teammates every day, one assistant coach says.
His military colleagues think he sets a shining example for
them, too. Youre never too old to reach your goals, says one of
his officers. Tims definitely a morale builder for these soldiers.
They tend not to think about goals outside of the military, only
within. But here is Tim, not only attaining his military goals but
doing something remarkable outside the military.
People who felt they had reached their life dream were
more likely to feel satisfied with their lives, but the age at
which they reached that dream was unrelated to their
level of satisfaction.
Krueger 1998
198
100
Do It Now
Nothing changes. Nothing matters. You cant teach an old dog
. . . Well, you know the saying. These thoughts are the enemy of
enjoying life. More important, they are not true. The most vital
belief you need in order to live your life fully is that actions matter.
Actions are called for. Actions are rewarded. Take action now.
Theres no reason you shouldnt, and many reasons you should.
Im an action guy. Ive got to be doing something, Dan says.
Dan spent a career fighting fires in upstate New York. He chose
the work because he wanted to do something. The fire department
looked like it would be pretty exciting. Whenever I saw a fire truck
race by with those guys hanging off the back, I said, That looks
like something that would hold my attention, he recalls.
When Dan reached his mid-fifties, he had already surpassed the
typical retirement age in his department. So he retired, at least in
theory.
Before his papers were even complete, though, Dan found work
with the Federal Emergency Management Agency.
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The 100 Simple Secrets of the Best Half of Life
Retirement from the fire department hasnt made me slow
down, he says. Its an opportunity to speed up.
FEMA has sent him to Puerto Rico, Louisiana, Kentucky, New
Jersey, New York City, and Iowa in the wake of floods, tornadoes,
and other disasters, and Dan helps people put their lives back
together.
Its an exciting job, he says. They call me and they say, Get
your gear. Then you get on the plane and go.
In this job, you get to see parts of this country you dont nor-
mally see, and you dont do it as a tourist. You go to where some-
things happening. You help people. For a moment, you become
part of the community. And, a few weeks later, you do it again
someplace else.
The feeling that any actions they took would be unlikely to
produce results caused feelings of apathy and boredom in
74 percent of the participants in one study.
Bargdill 1998
200
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209
A b o u t t h e A u t h o r
DAVID NIVEN, Ph.D., is the bestselling author of The 100
Simple Secrets of Happy People
,The 100 Simple Secrets of
Successful People
,The 100 Simple Secrets of Healthy People,The
, and The 100 Simple
100 Simple Secrets of Happy Families
Secrets of Great Relationships
. He is a psychologist and social
scientist who teaches at Florida Atlantic University.
Copyright
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