#DoorSlightlyOpen

"A door ajar is attempting comfort not to be in control."

-x-

Comfortability is what people wants and Jhing Blanco wasn't an exemption. Most people seek comfort to the ones who they think they'll be with for the long run. As for Jhing, the comfort is within herself.

Once she steps out of her zone, nothing will be in her control.

Bilang writer, she owns everything she writes; from setting, to characters, and the background stories to the climax until resolution. She breaks characters, let them fall – she weave the plot, and words and feelings.

A misconception of romance writers though, a lot expect them to know everything about the feeling.

News flash! They don't.

Especially to someone named Jhing, who's too comfortable of her own zone, that when someone tries to break and step inside – she started panicking.

She couldn't control Miko, or anyone around her life, could she?

Lalo na nang galing sa Caliraya that Monday, kahit nananakit ang kasu-kasuan, ay nag-ayaan pa ang book team at ilang writers kumain.

Jhing's protest of "hindi ako pwede, uuwi na po ako gabi na, sorry," was not heard by any of them.

They casually talked while eating as if there were no body aches they could feel.

"Jhing!" Her name being called is a thing, "Miko" and to be called with his name is another.

"Bakit Miss Zue!" Miko smiled.

Their topic from Caliraya experience went to Novella Project. Kinamusta ang project that ended up with Jhing saying, "sige po, iisipin ko na kung ano mga illustrations," trying to not look at him. But he was, of course, staring at her.

She couldn't control his eyes, so she controls hers instead.

For comfortability's sake.

Though, the taxi they went on para ihatid sa kanya-kanyang lugar ay isa sa pinaka awkward ride na nasakyan ni Jhing. Pinagsiksikan ng anim na tao ang sarili sa taxi. Miss Vams beside the driver, while Jhing sat on the left side. Katabi niya si July, then Yayo tapos si Miko. Fall was lying on their lap, ito lang kasi ang way para magkasya.

Good thing the taxi driver didn't complain.

"Dapat doon ka sa likod ng taxi, Hulog." Miko laughed. "Laki mong sagabal dito sa loob."

"Ikaw 'tong lalaki dapat ikaw 'tong humihiga, eh."

"Matangkad ako," pagmamalaki pa ni Miko.

"Eh di putulin natin 'yung legs mo!"

"Hala." Hinawakan ni Miko ang braso ni Yayo. Jhing wanted to ask Yayo's son in her tummy if he's okay with her Mom's giggling like a teen. "Ate Yayo oh, bully si Hulog."

Dahil nakasandal ang ulo ni Fall sa bag ni Jhing, she saw Fall's smile as she said, "Jhing oh. Ang gulo ni Miko."

Pinanliitan niya ng mata ang kaibigan. Fall laughed.

The awkwardness didn't lessen nang tatlo na lang sila nila Fall at Miko sa loob ng taxi, Fall in between them. She's thankful for Fall's stories and quirkiness, dahil ito ang distraction niya sa idea na nasa iisang taxi lang sila ni Miko.

For the last stop, Jhing thought Miko will be with Fall, considering they both have the same way. Nagulat siya nang bumalik sa loob si Miko, and she saw Fall's knowing smile, as she said, "ingat kayo, ha!"

Napa-tangina si Jhing sa isip.

"Saan na po tayo, Ma'am, Sir?" Nakatingin ang driver mula sa rear-view mirror.

Jhing didn't talk, so Miko did.

"Uh. . ." Nagkamot ito ng batok. "Jhing, saan tayo?"

"Ewan," she said, eyes looking at the road. "Bakit hindi ka pa bumababa?"

"Ikaw muna bumaba bago ako."

It was the rush inside that made Jhing left the taxi kahit malayo pa ang lugar niya. Nagulat si Miko pero agad din itong bumaba pagkabayad, halos hindi pa naayos ang bag at hinabol si Jhing.

His growing footsteps were the cue for Jhing to walk fast. But Miko was faster. When he reached her, Miko's eyebrows creased.

"Bakit bumaba ka sa taxi?"

"Sabi mo ako muna bumaba."

"Ha?" Nanlaki ang mata ni Miko. "Hindi ganun sinasabi ko. Ihahatid lang ki—"

"Huwag na." Lumayo siya, lumapit si Miko. "Kaya kong mag-isa."

"Pero gabi na." He looked at his watch. "11pm na oh."

"Alam ko. Minsan mas gabi pa ako umuwi kaysa dito."

"Pero babae ka—"

That ticked Jhing off kaya tumigil siya sa paglakad. Nilingon siya ni Miko bago ito tumigil. She didn't want to look at his eyes, pero wala na siyang nagawa.

Pushing her anxiety back, she asked, "porke't babae ako, akala mo mahina ako?"

Miko's eyes widened. Nagulat si Jhing nang itabi siya ni Miko sa kalye. A car almost hit her. Mga 2 meters away from her, actually. OA lang si Miko.

"Wala akong sinasabing gan'un, pero nakita mo 'yung kotse?" Miko asked. Jhing stared at him. "Nakakaloko naman para sa side kong lalaki na kasama kita, tapos hahayaan kitang bumyahe mag-isa."

Umiling si Jhing at naglakad ulit. "Kaya ko nga kasi."

"Alam kong kaya mo," Miko said. He tilted his head on the side nang makahabol. She looked forward. He was too near. "Pero paano naman ako? Hindi ko kakayanin konsensya ko kapag iniwan kita."

"Problema mo na 'yan."

Miko frowned as he stopped Jhing from walking. Nagpumilit pa si Jhing sa paglakad but Miko was stronger. Inabot nito ang cellphone.

With an eyebrow raised, she asked, "ano 'yan?"

"Cellphone tawag dito." A smile on his face. "Ito 'yung ginagamit sa—"

"Alam ko. Anong gagawin ko d'yan?"

Mas nilapit ni Miko ang phone. "Yo wazzap can I get your digits?" he laughed.

"Huh?"

She heaved a sigh, trying to get her mind at work again.

"Tatawagan kita sa buong byahe. Gusto ko marinig na safe ka hanggang makauwi."

Why can't he just stop? Why the effort? Stop the effort!

"Nagsasayang ka lang ng load."

"Oy hindi ah. Anong kala mo sa akin? Syempre naka-unli ako." A pause, then a smile like he remembered a joke. ". . .hindi na tao."

He joked as if nothing happened in Caliraya, or the days before, or the months and the year. He joked as if. . he was really saying the truth: Back to zero.

Para matapos ang tinginan session she couldn't afford any longer, Jhing dictated her new number. Hindi pa siya pinaalis hangga't hindi nakakasiguradong totoo ang number.

"Sagutin mo naman tawag ko," Miko said when her phone started ringing.

Kinuha niya ang phone sa mabigat na bag, struggled because of her aching arm, and answered the call.

"Ayan."

How to go back to zero when hearing his voice from the phone, straight to her ears, feels like the day she first heard his voice at KapeLibro? Anong back to zero, kung may feelings involved pa rin?

"Masaya ka na?"

"Okay na."

One. . .two. . . there. . .they stood in front of each other, phones near their ears like idiots, in the middle of the evening. Kinabahan pa rin si Jhing, and she wasn't sure if it was because of her aching body, or her mind not functioning very well, kaya siya natanga sa harap ni Miko.

For a whole minute, they just stared at each other, static, peaceful. Just like the first time she saw him eye to eye.

Hanggang sa natauhan si Jhing at naglakad muli.

"Jhing. . ." His voice was playful, so was her heart. "Magkukwento ako para hindi boring. . ."

Diretso lang sa lakad. Do not look back.

"Akala ko di ako makakasama sa Caliraya, busy kasi sa studio nung mga nakaraang araw. Absent tuloy ako madalas. . ."

Never look back. Keep on walking.

"Namiss mo ba ak—" A weird sound, like something bad happened.

Para siyang sinuntok sa sikmura.

"Miko?" she called, unsure. He didn't answer, but there's a faint voice saying, 'uy phone ko!' so she shouted, "Miko!" dahilan para mapalingon ang ibang tao sa kanya.

She didn't think twice to look back for him. Halos patakbo na nga siya. Lahat ng dugong umakyat dahil sa panic ay napalitan nang kahihiyan when she saw Miko walked towards her, unscathed, as if nothing bad happened.

So what was that?!

"Anong—"

The smile on Miko's face widened when he reached her, binaba ang phone. "Nakita ko na papatayin ka ng kunsensya mo kapag na-kidnap ako," he said and chuckled. "Kaya sasamahan kita papunta sa inyo para hindi ka na mag-alala sa akin."

Bigla na lang niyang gusto mahimatay sa hiya.

Miko was too persistent Jhing didn't have any other choice. Pagsakay ng jeep, the only thing she can do was to push Miko out of the vehicle, para hindi makasunod sa kanya.

She didn't want to pay for his hospital bills, so she stopped herself.

Sa magkabilang eskribo sila naupo. Nagpumilit si Miko na magbayad, she was too exhausted para makipagtalo, kaya hinayaan na rin niya.

A few minutes of silence, hindi sadyang napatitig siya sa nakatulalang Miko na nakatingin sa bintana. He looked exhausted, with eyes drooping already, and body must be aching. Jhing wanted to jump out of the moving jeep when Miko turned his head to look at her.

Bago pa siya makaiwas ng tingin, Miko smiled.

Fuck this heartbeat of hers.

Naging interesting tuloy ang sign na Sumigaw lang ng DARNA kapag bababa! sa buong byahe.

Pagkapara ni Jhing, nagulat at natawa ang ilang pasahero nang sumigaw si Miko ng "Darna!" kaya tumatawang inihinto ng driver ang jeepney.

She looked at him with brows furrowed when they went down.

"Kung hindi ako sumigaw ng darna, hindi tayo makakababa!" was his defense.

Gahd, he's such a. . .such an. . .ugh!

After the 10 minute walk in silence, nakarating sila sa apartment. Nilibot ni Miko ang tingin sa paligid, Jhing finding her keys.

"Dito ka na pala nakatira?" Miko asked. "Mag-isa ka na lang dito?" When Jhing didn't respond and entered the apartment, pinaliit ni Miko ang boses at nagsalita, "oo Miko, dito na ako nakatira at mag-isa lang ako. Obvious naman di ba." Then he answered with his voice, "sorry naman Jhing. Pati ba naman sa reenactment ko sa'yo, binabara mo ako."

Jhing shook her head.

She wanted to be heartless, get Miko out of the apartment ASAP, but she couldn't. Pinainom pa niya ito ng tubig, at hinayaang mag-CR.

She watched Miko fix his things. He stood up from the monoblock chair, and before he smiled at her again, nag-iwas siya ng tingin.

"Aalis na ako," Miko announced. "Jhing. . .aalis na ako."

She looked at the clock. It's already 1 in the morning. The conscience! It was killing her.

Before Miko can take another step closer to the apartment's door, pikit matang nagsalita si Jhing mula sa kinatatayuan.

"Saan ka ba nakatira?"

Gahd, asking questions make her fucking nervous.

Nilingon siya ni Miko, still a smile in his face. "Bakit? Gusto mo akong i-stalk?"

Her rolling eyes made Miko realize it was a no. Hindi nito sinagot ang tanong niya, at naglakad ulit patungo sa pintuan. So she did another approach.

Bahala na si Batman!

"Saan ka pupunta?" she asked.

Unti-unting lumingon si Miko. "Ito Jhing. Palabas na sana ako patungo sa outside world. Pero dahil pinipigilan mo ako sa paglabas, trip ko lang buksan 'yung pinto mo," natatawa nitong sagot.

Pucha. Bahala na nga talaga!

She could almost hear batman saying, 'ako na naman bahala?!'

"Huwag na."She tried to look passive, not wanting her nervous voice be heard by Miko.

His smile widened. "Anong huwag na? Hindi na ba ako evicted, Big Sister?"

"Madaling araw na kasi." Takte. She'll die in heart attack! "Pwedeng umuwi ka na lang kapag maliwanag na."

"Sleepover ba 'to?" He laughed. "Slumber party pala ituu."

Mahinang tinulak ni Jhing si Miko palayo sa pinto nang ma-lock ito nang mabuti. Nailang pa siya dahil nakatayo lang sa tabi niya si Miko.

"Ayos lang ba?" he asked.

"Oo nga. Huwag mo na ipaulit."

Lumayo siya agad, natatakot na sobrang lapit nila sa isa't isa.

"Naks, nag-aalala talaga."

She didn't respond nor talk. Paglapag ng bag sa gilid, sinundan ni Miko si Jhing sa kusina.

"Anong—"

"Pwedeng paligo?" tanong nito.

Sinimulan niyang hugasan ang basong pinag-inuman ni Miko. She looked at it like it was the most interesting in the house at the moment.

"Maligo ka. Hihintayin mo pa bang paliguan kita?"

Tumawa si Miko. "Pwede?"

She rolled her eyes. "Maligo ka na nga!"

Tumakbo si Miko papasok sa CR bago pa mabuhusan ng tubig ni Jhing.

It's a good thing galing silang Caliraya dahil may gamit si Miko for another overnight. Although, Jhing didn't realize her apartment was too small until she heard Miko's awful voice singing while on the shower.

"Di mo alam dahil sa 'yo, ako'y 'di makakain. 'Di rin makatulog buhat ng iyong lokohin." May paos effect pa ito. Nagsisisi tuloy siya bakit hindi naka-sound proof ang CR, at nagsisisi siyang divider lang ang harang ng sala sa higaan. "Jhing!" he called her. "Jhing!"

"Ano?" naiirita niyang tanong.

Nag-aayos siya ng gamit kahit ang gusto na lang niya ay matulog. She couldn't let Miko see her messy world.

"Duet tayo!"

"What the fuck?" was all she could muster.

"KJ!" Kasabay ng pagbuhos ng tubig ay ang pagtuloy ng kanta. "Kung ako'y muling iibig, sana'y 'di maging katulad mo. Tulad mo na may pusong bato!"

Pagtapos maligo ni Miko, Jhing smelled her shampoo on his hair, and her soap on his body. Gusto niyang magreklamo! Pero hinayaan na niya at pumasok ng CR.

Her blood rushed to her face as the realization hit her. She let him inside her apartment. Miko just used her bathroom. There's steam from his body everywhere! He even used her shampoo and soap!

There was no way she imagined this will happen.

But it did.

Pagkatapos maglinis ng CR, maligo at mag-ayos para matulog, lumabas siyang nadatnan si Miko na nakahiga sa nilatag niyang papag. Nothing seemed real when she hopped on her bed and closed her eyes.

"Jhing. . ."

Napadilat siya ng mata nang marinig ang boses ni Miko. Tiredness in his voice. But wait – is she dreaming? Did he call her? Or. . .he's sleep talking? Her name?!

Her question was answered when Miko talked again.

"Tulog ka na ba?"

She stared at her dark ceiling. "Bakit?"

"Huwag mo akong gapangin dito ah, baka gustuhin ko."

"Gago."

Even his laugh sounded tired. "Jhing. . ."

How to sleep when that guy kept on calling her?!

"Matulog ka na nga."

"Wala bang good night dyan para sa akin?"

Jhing shifted on her bed, a creak sound indicated it's old aged already. Likod niya ang nakaharap sa gawi ni Miko, kahit hindi naman nito makikita dahil nasa ibaba ito. She stayed silent, her heart started to slow down.

"Good night, Riona Jayne."

Silence.

Her heartbeat faster.

She closed her eyes and kept her mind at peace. A few minutes after, with a small voice, she said, "Good night."

Jhing thought she heard him say something near salamat but maybe it was just her imagination or a dream for she was drifting to dreamland already.

Everything felt surreal; she forced herself not to smile with the comfort she couldn't control.

____

This chapter (a personal favorite of mine) is dedicated to amorselofmoxy and her younger sister. The message on ze media part (or click external link) really made my day. Parang walang nakakainis na bagay ang makakapag pa-rant sa akin nang mabasa ko 'yon.

Thank you for letting me know I've done a good job in this boring life of mine. I wish you all the best. Sana you all keep on smiling. A genuine smile can make a difference. :)

At sa lahat ng nagbabasa ng 11/23: silent reader man, personal message ang comments, at 'yung maiingay - THANK YOU!