#AchillesHeels

"Bottled toxic feelings, when exposed, can lead vulnerability to own downfall."

-x-

Breathing became a chore for Jhing, dragging the air in and out of her lungs, trying to get everything inside – especially the outside – intact, and kept going like she did the past years. The running away from him needed to stop. Jhing must face her fear – her anger – her disgust – the reason she kept everything bottled inside.

In writing stories, it's a must that a writer creates conflict for the character to choose between two important things. Dapat sobrang hirap, yung tipong pati ang reader, mababaliw kung anong dapat piliin kasi both have big consequences. That will make a character dynamic, relatable and. . .human.

Jhing was a writer, alright. But maybe, she hated that she couldn't write her own life – because she didn't want to write the day she needed to choose between; to save herself from her Tatay or save her Tatay from her.

She wanted to be selfish - but she couldn't stand hearing her Nanay's pleads, apologies and cries anymore. Like what her Nanay did when she gave her savings for his hospital bill.

"Salamat Jhing," her mother cried on the phone. Rinig din ang boses ng Tatay niya, "hindi ko kailangan ng tulong!" Humina ang sigaw, mukhang lumayo ang Nanay niya para hindi marinig ang mga sumunod nitong sinabi. "Salamat talaga. Hayaan mo at babayaran ko rin ito."

The call ended with Jhing's silence.

There was no time for crying. Hindi niya ma-explain 'yung nararamdaman – everything was too much. Kailangan niyang bumangon at magtrabaho para maibalik ang perang nawala sa kanya. Tangina nung feeling na kinuha niya ang lahat ng pera niya sa bangko – it felt like she gave everything away for someone who won't care for her.

Pucha. Shit talaga. Shit. Shit. Shit.

Nag aalala na si Nanay kay Tatay hindi na naman umuwi kahit inatake na ng highblood, her brother texted two weeks after her birthday. Nag away kasi sila pagkauwi dito sa bahay tapos ayun.

Jhing wanted to curse, and she was going to hell for thinking: Tangina kasi dapat hindi na pinagaling pa! but she ended up feeling nothing. . .she tried to feel nothing while all the emotions tried to escape from her. Anger. Fear. Disgust. Hatred.

Pero wala siyang time maging emotional.

Jhing dragged herself to office and pushed herself to smile when Miko sat next to her on the pantry. Looking at him, talking to everybody while smiling, made her envy him.

Buti pa siya, kaya niya.

Buti pa siya. . .

"Okay ka lang?" Miko asked in the middle of lunch. "Tulala ka na naman, magkatabi na tayo iniisip mo pa rin ako?"

Jhing pushed herself to smile. "Iniisip ko kasi paano kita papatayin."

It was Miko's smile that forced Jhing to not think too much. "Grabe, nakakatouch ka talaga minsan. Minsan lang."

Nakagawian na rin ni Jhing mag-OT with or without pay. That gave her the reason to not think too much and just go with the flow sa mga kwentong binabasa kahit hindi niya trip ang ilan. Nasa Manila siya but her mind kept flying away, inaalala ang pamilya sa probinsiya.

When she asked how her Nanay was, nag-text lang ito ng, ok lng. Maays kmi d2. Kw ba jan? Wg pkgutom pti puyat ha ingt lgi. Mbbyran q rn ung nwla sa ipon mo asap

But her brother said otherwise, tuwing gabi ko rin naririnig iyak ni Nay sa CR. Hindi pa rin bumabalik si Tatay.

Ang galing magtago ng hinanakit nitong Nanay niya – nakakabwisit. Manang-manang siya.

"Paano ba maging positibo?" Jhing asked staring at the manuscript she was editing. Nasa tabing cubicle niya si Miko dahil naka-laptop ito but with earphones on, parehas silang OT. Screamo ang pinapakinggan kaya hindi nito naririnig si Jhing. "How do you do it? Cope with a smile?"

Nilingon ni Jhing si Miko na busy sa dinodrawing. She stared at him, his eyes – focused on his own laptop, his lips smiling and singing the lyrics of the song silently, and at his relaxed posture that made Jhing thought: how do you do it?

Dahil napatagal ang tingin niya kay Miko, malakas ang boses ni Miko na nagsalita, eyes staring at his own screen with a knowing smile. "ITO NA BA YUNG PAGKAKATAONG AAMIN KA NA SA UNDYING LOVE MO SA AKIN KAYA KA NAKAKATITIG? KALUSAW NAMAN."

Pucha! Ang sakit sa tainga ng boses niya!

Hinugot ni Jhing ang earphones ni Miko, ang lakas ng music sa earphones nito. "Narealize kong gusto kitang lusawin nang mawala ka na," she said and rolled her eyes. Pinatay niya ang computer and stood up. "Aalis na ko."

Lumawak ang ngiti ni Miko. "Nagpapaalam ka ba o ito 'yung hint na gusto mong ihatid kita?"

"Hah," Jhing breathed. "Ito yung hint na isa pang salita mo itutulak kita sa building."

Inoff na rin ni Miko ang laptop at nilagay sa backpack. They both walked towards the fire exit. "Ito na ba 'yung hint para malaman kong sasaluhin mo ako pag nahulog ako?"

"Try it," she said, stopping. "Tumalon ka sa building."

"Weh?" Miko raised a brow.

"Paano natin malalaman kung hindi ita-try?" she asked.

"Sadista talaga."

Jhing was tired of talking, but talking to Miko was the only thing that made her sane the past few days. Ito ang nagbabalance sa mga naiisip niyang hindi kanais-nais. She was clinging to him - 'yung pangyayaring ayaw niyang mangyari noon; she ended up doing.

She didn't want to drag him to her own hell. . .but she didn't want to burn again.

"Anong pinaka-ayaw mong sinasabi sa'yo bilang artist?" Jhing asked out of the blue while having dinner at a mall. Ayaw pa kasing umuwi ni Miko, ayaw rin ni Jhing mapag-isa – so they went out.

Miko smirked. "Pagawa ng drawing yung libre lang."

Napangiwi si Jhing. "Libre?"

"Oo. Akala ata factory ako ng drawing tapos wala akong buhay," Miko said, eating his spaghetti. "Yun 'yung madalas nakakainis sa iba. Akala nila madaling maging artist o gumawa ng art. Akala nila madaling mag-drawing, mag-isip ng concept na hindi pa nagagawa ng iba – tapos gusto pa ng libre, minamadali pa ako. Sarap sabihan minsan kung ikaw na lang magdrawing kung tingin mo ang dali-dali."

Jhing smiled at Miko's outburst. Kung tusukin kasi ang hotdog ng pasta, parang mamamatay tao na. "Ngayon lang kita narinig mag-rant. Akala ko ako lang may reklamo sa buhay."

His laugh made Jhing's heart lighter. "Lahat naman ng tao may reklamo sa buhay," Miko said. "Asar din ako sa mga taong mabagal maglakad lalo na kapag late ako. May muntikan akong makaaway dati, nabunggo ko kasi siya. Bigla ba naman kasing tumigil habang may kausap sa phone sumigaw pa ng whaaatt?! Nakakaloko."

"Nakikipag-away ka pala?"

"Kung pwede ko lang suntukin pagmumukha n'un," Miko said as he shook his head. "Kaya lang babae, eh. Respeto na lang sa kamao ko."

Jhing shook her head and rolled her eyes. Nagkwentuhan pa sila, random topics and shitty things until the happy night ended. And just like every night, she ended up alone in her apartment, lying on her bed, staring at the ceiling with thoughts that were far from the silence she wanted to have.

Thankfully, the book team got busy. Her work was keeping her alive. Nagkaroon ng signing sa February month. By March, dumami ang listahan nila for 2016 books, and April got hectic for editing manuscripts. May was the month another book was turned into a movie kaya mas nawalan ng oras si Jhing sa pag-iisip. She was fed up asking her Nanay how was she dahil panay pagsisinungaling lang ang sinasabi nito.

She was tired of too much I'm okay lies so she stopped asking.

"Nakakasakit kasi sa kokoro ko!"

It was obvious, badtrip talaga si Fall pero dinadaan nito sa joke ang asar. They sat inside a coffee shop waiting for Jhing's departure. Balak kasi nitong umuwi sa probinsiya tutal naibalik na niya kahit papaano ang ipon.

"Hayaan mo na kasi," Jhing said.

It was nice for Fall para samahan siya nito sa terminal – malapit lang kasi ang tinutuluyan nito kaya kahit magmadaling araw ay ayos lang. Nahihiya man, Jhing jumped on Fall's kindness para hindi siya mabagot sa paghihintay.

"I can't! I just can't!" Fall said dramatically. "They keep on judging me, us! Mainstream kasi kaya corny? Mainstream kasi kaya shitty stories lang sinusulat natin? Hindi tayo pang writing awards kasi patapon tayo?" she said, ranting. "Nakakainis 'yung idea na porke't sikat and shit like that, wala nang karapatan mas gumaling pa. I'm trying to get out of that stupid mainstream idea."

"You're trying your best," Jhing said, trying to lift Fall's spirit. "At least, di ba?"

"Oo nga. Nandun na tayo." Fall sighed. "Gusto ko na lang bumalik 10 years ago nung nagsisimula pa lang ako tapos ang sinasabi sa akin bakit daw ang underrated ko, mas magaling pa ako sa mainstream. Ang sarap na lang balikan 'yung nakaraan na masaya pa at wala pang judgment."

Jhing bit her lip. Sana nga pwedeng ibalik ang nakaraan. Kung pwede lang. . . "pero kung binalik ang nakaraan, hindi ka matututo," she said. "Hindi mo mae-experience 'yung mga na-experience mo na. Maybe there's one thing that you can do."

"Ano?" Fall sipped her coffee.

"Don't be scared," Jhing said, a lot to herself than to Fall. "Don't let it get into you."

Nang dumating na ang sasakyan ni Jhing para makauwi, Fall texted someone and bid their goodbyes. Nakita pa ni Jhing ang pagsakay nito sa jeep pauwi. She texted Fall, salamat sa pagsama and got a reply of salamat sa libre! Hahaha! :D Don't forget Anawangin getaway!!!

She shook her head, smiling.

As they wait for the bus passengers, may naupo sa tabi ni Jhing as she read the comments of her stories. Nag-update kasi siya ng tatlong chapter bago napagdesisyunang umuwi. A few minutes after, the guy peeked at her phone. Napakunot agad ang noo ni Jhing but before she could stand up and get to another sit, the guy said, "Wattpader ka rin?"

That question made Jhing ignore the clearing of throat at the aisle. Busy kasi siyang makipag-usap sa katabi tungkol sa mga wattpad stories and books.

"Ehem," another clearing of throat. Napatingin ang katabing lalaki ni Jhing kaya napatingin na rin si Jhing. And there, lo and behold – was Miko with a big backpack, shades and casual clothes. "May nakaupo ba sa tabi niyo?"

Binaba ni Miko ang suot na shades kahit madaling araw naman. Before the other guy scooted near Jhing, agad pinigilan ni Miko ang lalaki at binigay ang backpack.

"Palagay naman 'to sa taas, oh," he said and sat next to Jhing. Hinayaan ang lalaki sa bag nito. "Dito na lang ako uupo, mahihiluhin kasi ako sa byahe kapag walang katabi."

Jhing just stared at Miko, confused. Wala kasing sense ang sinabi nito!

"Anong. . .ginagawa mo rito?"

Miko looked at Jhing with a shocked expression. "O, nandito ka rin pala? Pupuntahan ko tropa ko. Ikaw, saan?"

The other guy butted in, sitting at the other side. "Magkakilala kayo?"

"Hindi nga, eh. Pakilala mo naman ako pare," Miko said with a smile. "Kaya lang paano mo gagawin 'yun kung kayo rin hindi magkakilala. Miko nga pala—"

It was absurd, Jhing thought. But was surprised when Miko and the other guy got close, when the two talked about art and animation dahil sa shirt nung lalaki. The other minute, Miko was sending daggers at the guy, then the next – they were like bros.

Guys. . .and Miko. Napaka-friendly.

Mas naunang bumaba ang lalaking kausap ni Miko kaya binaling nito ang atensyon kay Jhing na tulala sa labas ng bintana.

"Uuwi ka pala sa inyo," Miko said. "Bakit hindi mo sinabi?"

Nagtaas ang kilay ni Jhing. "Dapat ba?"

"Hindi naman."

"Kaya ka ba nandito kasi—"

"Feeling nito oh!" Miko's defense. "Pupuntahan ko nga tropa ko!"

Tumango na lang si Jhing. "Okay, fine. Defensive."

They both fell silent after a few minutes. Nakinig sila ng music, sharing Miko's earphone. Tahimik sila sa byahe, both looking at the window – at the starless night. Jhing's eyes felt heavy, she closed her eyes. Nagulat na lang siya nang may kamay na humawak sa pisngi niya para isandal sa balikat.

Pwede siyang magreklamo, but she didn't. Instead, hinayaan niya ang sariling sumandal sa balikat ni Miko. His head was heavy on top of hers and again, she let him. They just sat there, earphones stuck on their ears, sleeping.

Jhing woke up when Miko poked her cheek. Iniangat ni Jhing ang ulo at tumingin sa paligid, her neck hurt. Nag-aayos na ang ilan pababa.

"Nandito na tayo?" she asked, absent mindedly.

Miko snickered. "Secret. Hulaan mo," he said, massaging his neck and shoulder.

Pagkababa nila sa terminal, Jhing bid goodbye to Miko. Akala kasi niya may pupuntahan ito but he followed her. Kahit saan siya magpunta at mukhang iniisip ni Miko na hindi niya ito nakikita kasi nagtatago pa na parang tanga.

She stared back at him with creased brow. "Sinusundan mo ba ako?"

"Lah?" Miko said, wide eyes. Tumingin-tingin ito sa paligid. "Sinong kausap ng babaeng 'to?"

Jhing's cheeks flushed but Miko just laughed at hinatak siya sa pinakamalapit na kainan. Nanlibre pa ito without answering why the hell he was there. Habang kumakain, Miko called someone on his phone.

"Co! Nandito na ako sa Quezon," he said, looking at Jhing. Nakakunot noo kasi si Jhing. "Ha? Ano? Isabela?"

"Anong—"

"Putek seryoso ka ba dyan? Hindi ka ba taga-Quezon?! Bakit taga Isabela ka? Dito ka na lang sa Quezon oh!"

Hiyang-hiya na si Jhing dahil napalingon ang ilan sa kanila. Pagbaba ng tawag, Miko stared at nothingness and sighed.

"Ano na nangyari sa'yo?" she asked.

"Everything was a lie," Miko whispered. "Buong araw kong pinaniwala sa sarili kong taga-Quezon si Marco tapos Isabela pala talaga? Ano nang mangyayari sa akin?" he asked, brows furrowed. "Magiging pulubi na ba ako ng Quezon? Dito na ba ako mamamatay? Ililibing? Jhing, ano nang mangyayari sa akin?"

Miko was acting. . .shit na 'yan. He wasn't a good actor for he couldn't keep his smile from showing. Umirap si Jhing.

"Umiyak ka hanggang may maawa sa'yo."

He clutched his shirt, near his chest. "Ouch." He shook his head. "Ramdam ko ang concern mo."

Dahil tapos na kumain, Jhing stood up. Magsasalita pa sana si Miko, magmamakaaawa – but Jhing stopped him and sighed before saying, "fine. Sa amin ka muna."

A triumphant smile on Miko's face.

Nakarating sila ng bahay nila Jhing after 3 hours of boat ride.

"Wala man lang lock ng gate?" Miko commented when Jhing entered their lot.

"Mababait kasi tao dito sa amin," Jhing said. "Malayong-malayo sa Manila."

Hindi na nagulat si Jhing nang ipakilala niya si Miko sa Nanay at tuwang-tuwa ito. Madaldal talaga si Miko, and it was a good thing dahil nakita niya ang ngiti ng Nanay when Miko joked about Jhing being too serious at work.

Pagpasok sa kwarto, her siblings, Undoy, Yel, Enteng, and LetLet, were already awake and greeted her whilst smiling.

"Sino 'yung lalaki na kausap ni Nanay, te?" Yel asked.

"Katrabaho ko."

"Manliligaw?" Enteng asked.

Umiling si Jhing at nagbihis ng pambahay. She wanted to sleep pero nagpumilit ang Nanay niya para kumain ng agahan with her siblings na naging close agad kay Miko. She looked around the house – walang nagbago since the day she last visited.

"Marunong ako gumawa ang dugo," Miko said when Enteng ranted about their film project in school. "Nagulat nga ako hindi pala ketchup gamit," he laughed.

"Akala ko ketchup 'yun?!" tanong ni Yel.

"Hindi. Pinag-aralan namin 'yun dati nung nasa production pa ako."

"Eh Kuya," Letlet, the youngest one, asked, "ano bang trabaho mo po?"

"Illustrator, minsan artist kunwari."

"COOL!" sabay-sabay na sabi ng kapatid ni Jhing. Nanay smiled at them. "Padrawing ako!" Enteng said. "Ako rin!" then the others followed.

Akala ni Jhing mababadtrip si Miko but he didn't. He even asked for paper and pen. Nanood ang mga kapatid ni Jhing sa pagdrawing ni Miko. They were all amazed, asking art stuff and questions and Miko gave decent answers.

That was when she felt Miko was serious with his art.

Then Undoy dropped a comment that made Jhing's heart leapt. "Parang parehas ng style mo 'yung niregalo kay Ate dati. Hindi ba Ate?" he looked up at Jhing. "Yung regalo—"

"Wala na," Jhing suddenly said. Nakita niya ang ngiti ni Miko kaya nag-iwas siya ng tingin. "Tinapon ko na 'yun. Sinunog ko na."

Yel added, "hala Ate, di ba ingat na ingat ka nga dun? Nandun 'yun sa cabinet nakatago—"

Jhing stood up. "Wala ba kayong school stuff na kailangan gawin?"

Nag-init ang pisngi ni Jhing nang tingnan siya ni Miko sandali at umiling. Bago pa siya makairap, binalik ulit ni Miko ang atensyon sa pagdrawing ng mukha. He was freaking smiling!

She needed to get Miko's gifts in fire. Kaya lang. . . sayang kasi. Whatever, hindi naman malalaman ni Miko. Nakatago naman sa kailaliman ng cabinet niya.

Pagtapos makatulog at makapagpahinga, her siblings toured Miko, sa market at likod bahay. Jhing decided to stay with her Nanay, makabawi man lang sa tagal na panahong hindi nakauwi. They were silent for a bit, trying to break the ice.

"Jhing, magtapat ka nga sa akin," her Nanay said, washing the dishes. "Katipan mo ba iyong si Miko?"

"Nay!"

Ngumiti ang Nanay niya. "Nakikita kong napapangiti ka ng batang 'yun," she said. "Matino naman at maayos ang buhay. Sa tingin ko rin ay sadyang sumama siya sa'yo."

"Sabog lang siya, Nay," Jhing said. "Walang magawa sa buhay kaya siguro sumama."

"Sa gitna ng pagtatrabaho? Absent din siya sa trabaho ninyo, tama?"

Her Nanay smiled. But Jhing was too sure the glint on her eyes weren't tears of happiness. Gustong umiwas ni Jhing sa topic but she couldn't, could she? Kahit anong ikot ng mundo niya, babalik at babalik siya sa taong kinamumuhian niya.

"Ikaw Nay, kamusta ka na?" she asked. "Si Ta—"

Sabay napatingin si Jhing at ang kanyang Nanay sa tumunog na phone. Jhing was the one who answered the call of an unknown number. Her heart thumped when she greeted and no one answered pero alam niyang may tao sa kabilang linya.

"Hello?" she repeated.

Nothing.

"Sino 'to?" she asked her Nanay.

When she saw her Nanay gulped, smiled and looked away and said, "baka ito na naman ang nantitrip," she knew her Nanay was lying.

Afternoon came, she was confused why her heart was beating fast, like something was about to happen, and she was right.

The man she must call Tatay entered the house, drunk as fuck.

Agad dumalo ang Nanay niya, full of concern asking stuff at him but Jhing was too angry to fucking listen. She should smile at him, kiss his hand, greet him but fuck. All she could do was to remember that man's voice shouting at her, anger and disgust, the last time they saw each other.

The man glared, a familiar stare Jhing wanted to forget, that made her frozen. Her feet was stuck, drilling a hole on the floor, until Enteng ran inside their house, calling her.

"Ate! Ate!" Hinatak ni Enteng si Jhing papuntang likod bahay. "Si Kuya Miko!"

"Anong nangyari?"

She was too angry with his Tatay's presence she couldn't understand what was happening and Enteng's explanation. Umakyat ng puno. Nahulog. Nabagok. Her heart was pumping like mad, hands sweaty and her head was aching when she saw Miko, lying on the ground with eyes closed, and liquid oozing under his head.

Blood.

Something inside her felt like it exploded. Agad siyang lumuhod, her whole system panicking. Panay ang salita ng mga kapatid niya but she couldn't hear a thing. She felt the blood – but – something was wrong. The smell. The blood didn't smell like rusty iron. Coffee.

A few seconds after, Miko's smiled and with eyes closed, he whispered, "you care for me too much, Jhing." He opened his eyes and Jhing stared at him.

There were no emotions inside of her when she let go off him and stood up. Gusto niyang bumalik sa bahay pero nandoon ang Tatay niya at ang katangahan ng Nanay niya. But if she stayed with Miko, she. . . she. . .fuck.

Miko held her arm. "Nayari ka ba namin?" he asked. Tumawa rin ang mga kapatid niya. "Galing niyo umarte, napaniwala niyo Ate niyo."

"Ikaw Kuya, eh," Yel said, laughing.

Everything. . .was too much.

"Jhing—"

"Fuck you!" Jhing shouted that wiped Miko's smile. "You're like a kid! Lahat na lang laro para sa'yo!" Tinanggal niya ang hawak ni Miko sa braso. Pinalis ang namumuong luha. "Alam mo problema sa'yo? You take everything as a joke! Always a joke!"

"Ha—"

"Gets kong ugali mo 'yan, pero hindi lahat nadadaan sa joke!" she shouted again. Her heart ached, just like how her head throbbed. She wanted to get away. Too much. . . She didn't mean it! "When will you get serious?" She looked at his eyes, and whispered, "For once?"

Jhing ignored everyone; Miko's call, her siblings' cries – the man she loathed sleeping on the sofa when she entered the house, even her Nanay who asked her what was wrong. Lahat nakakarindi. Lahat nakakabwisit. Dumiretso siya sa kwarto, her knuckles turning white. Nanakit ang balat niya pagkadiin ng kuko sa pisngi, everything screamed inside her but she kept mum, the physical pain was much more bearable than her heart screaming i'm scared.

Her whole being, forcing to be strong, felt weak.

Everything she had done was useless.

She wanted to get out of this place. Away from everyone; from him who made her like this, and from herself, hurting everyone else. Fuck everything and the monsters inside.