I remember it all too clearly, her dying in my arms. Her dry black hair, individually, scattered over my my arms and shoulder..
Six, maybe seven years of age- if I remember correctly..

" You are my sunshine.." I can still see her heart moniter die off with her, slowly, and in so much pain. She smiled back at me as I continued my song.
" My only sunshine.." I run my free hand through her hair, moving it all away to see her pale skin and dark circles. The lack of blood never taking the passion or love out of her body. Tears came pouring down my face, all so uncontrollably, my voice beginning to break.
" You make me happy when skies are grey.." Of anyone I touch, I mean no harm to be done. I only trust and care for you. Never would I lay a harmful hand to anyone, you shouldn't be scared of me.
Her smile fading away as my song came to an end,
" Please, don't take my sunshine away..." as soon as I had finished the monitor came to a straight sound, a white noise heard by everyone,
so loud in the midst of this silence now being overtaken in this room. The sound enveloped my head and body, no escape from where I stay, holding my mother in my arms.
I tried so hard to keep her safe from any inconvenience, but failed. I have hurt others in her will. I've pulled out my own life, away from myself, to keep her safe. The current one with me-
I'll do the same in fear of what may happen to-
The tears wouldn't leave me alone as I went completely limp over her dead body, already growing colder by the hours. I unplugged her from the monitor, so the sound wasn't heard. I didn't want anyone to know she was dead.
She wasn't dead was she?
More tears fell down from my eyes as I ran out to the parking lot.
I ran for my life, running through busy roads and areas. I made my way to my grandparents house only in about three hours, one state over, one state above me, only m-

my father.

I knocked on the door to the small house by a large pond. The dialog was small and fuzzy after that. I moved to france a year later to live with relatives after the news had been released.

" The knot in my stomach never leaves me, even to this day. All of it was my fault.
I swear on my life I will make it up to you. I have someone important, I know you understand Mom, I know you do. You'd love him just as much as I do. I know I talk about him to you a lot, but you will love him. He's my fiance now and I want to make sure you know about it. He's perfect."

- J.A.(G).
March 2nd, 2017

(((((Jason kind of forgot that i was still on the phone and was praying... okay we can continue...))))) ^^*

I carved lines in my skin, it hurt so much less than the pain she was in, the way it made her feel. Metal never felt so cold until now, blood had never seemed this warm either. Only until now did I realize how much pain I really caused.
Blades never seemed so calming until now, prying at my skin to let the knot out of my stomach, never too much pain to feel like a normal human being. Blood has never seemed so-
so horrible.
Horrible..

horrible...

h-