This is basically just 30 things I dislike about Twilight. My random thoughts. I apologize for jumping around a lot, I’m just typing this as I think of them so it won’t be in order of books or anything fancy schmancy like that, and if you haven't read Twilight I apologize if I mention something that isn't explained. Some are also ones posted by people online and by friends. So yeah, if you want to read this, read it with a heavy sarcastic accent. Yes, I just called sarcasm an accent. It’s possible. Seriously.

WARNING: Contains massive amounts of sarcasm and Harry Potter references. To Twilight fans, I apologize ahead of time for bashing your favorite series, okay not really. But I would just like to say that I have read both Harry Potter and Twilight so I feel like I can be justified to have my opinion on it.

1.       Twilight teaches us that when a guy ignores you, glares at you, and says “I’m dangerous”, it means he totally digs you and you should fall in love with him. After all, the whole “bad boy” act is cute and mysterious. Right….

2.       I really don’t understand how the first book even progresses. First he hates her, glares at her, and ignores her. Then suddenly he’s nice to her, saves her from a car, some creepers, and she falls in love? I…I’m just confuzzled…

3.       In book one, before even introducing himself, Edward Cullen STALKS Bella and sneaks into her room, watching her sleep. To the teenage girls saying “aw, that’s so sweet!”, that is so not romantic, its CREEPY.

4.       So at one point, Bella goes to the Cullens (Edwards family of vampires) for her birthday, where she gets a paper cut while opening a present and one of them, Jasper goes berserk. First of all, a paper cut from wrapping paper? Seriously, that’s all Meyer could think of for her to get hurt? Also, why is Jasper going to school where there is just way too much potential for someone to get a paper cut and the blood (if any…) from that itty bitty paper cut could make him crazy?

5.       The Cullens have completely ruined the image of vampires and filled the shelves with a whole genre now of books on vampires. No longer evilly brilliant, mastermind vampires, but tame, peace-loving “vegetarians”, oh, and they sparkle. Cause all girls totally dig guys that look like they’ve been Bedazzled or had salt crystals glued to their skin.

6.       Twilight teaches us that it’s okay to center your life around your boyfriend and not care about anyone else, and become fixated on one thing.

7.       Continuing from the previous point, it’s totally okay to become depressed when said boyfriend leaves you, hallucinate and imagine you can hear his voice yelling at you, then jump off a cliff cause it reminds you of his voice. Bella is totally being rational and sane…right? When Hermione’s love left her, she kept on fighting the Dark Lord. When Bella’s love left her she got depressed and jumped off a cliff…which one seems smarter to you?

8.       Here’s a quote from Stephen King “Harry Potter is all about confronting fears, finding inner strength, and doing what is right in the face of adversity. Twilight is about how important it is to have a boyfriend.” ‘nuff said there.

9.       Harry Potter sacrificed himself for the world, Bella sacrificed…oh wait, she didn’t.

10.   Harry Potter defeated and destroyed Voldemort. Bella defeated and destroyed the Volturi…oh wait, she didn’t.

11.   Bella is a character that is almost nonexistent. Described as plain and boring, she is almost the perfect housewife type of person. She appears like she has a personality, but its never actually shown...anywhere. Yet she somehow manages to attract all the guys her first day at school? Her only “flaw” is that she’s clumsy. It’s like Meyer was trying to say, “See? She’s not perfect. She’s normal, just like everyone else!” Except…not…at all…

12.   When you think about it, Edward represents an abuser in an abusive relationship. He is a very possessive boyfriend, refuses to let Bella see her friends, even messes up her car at one point so she can’t, and controls her completely. The only worse part is she lets him and the biggest action in all of the books is their arguing.

13.   Every character in Harry Potter is important. And yes, some die (R.I.P. Dobby, Snape, Sirius, etc), but they have meaning. I swear Meyer only creates characters to make arguments. And of course no one really dies, except minor names briefly mentioned that mean nothing and have no personality whatsoever. In the last book the most action part is them standing against the Volturi, and even then NOTHING happens. This whole battle scene is all built up in the book, tons of pointless plans and worries, and yet the battle doesn’t even happen.

14.   Twilight supports very unhealthy relationships. Bella’s social life doesn’t exist beyond Edward. She doesn’t care about anyone except him, not even her parents, who she yells at and disrespects most of the time too.

15.   The love interests in Harry Potter are well developed, it takes time for people to find love, they don’t always see it right away. In Twilight its love at first sight for Bella-because he’s hot and mysterious, and love at first smell for Edward-who just thinks she smells good and mysterious because he can’t read her mind.

16.   From above point, he probably can’t read her mind because she doesn’t have one.

17.   Edward is described way too many times. Does he even have anything besides stunning good looks and sparkles? Doesn’t seem like it, but that’s all Bella cares about.

18.   The ending of Breaking Dawn is more sparkles, some rainbows, and a baby. No…just no. That is just stupid. She didn’t even do anything.

19.   I would like to take this number to bash Kristin Stewart as well. I’m sorry, but she’s not very good at acting. All she did was look helpless, confused, and depressed throughout the Twilight Saga. Or, maybe she’s really good at acting, and made the character as plain as it was written…? Also, she NEVER really smiles in the movies, at all…

20.   Edward, played by whatshisname…oh yeah, Robert Pattinson (I literally just had to look up his name to remember how to spell it…) was also rather stiff and awkward in film. A lot of the time he looked constipated and tense, but perhaps that’s what they were going for.

21.   For the sake of research, and my own amusement, I looked up mylifeistwilight.com. The things on there just amazed me (I believe this website has been taken down by the way, for good reason). One post read something like this “OMG I jus relized my hair is brown like bella’s!” Really, it took you this long to realize you had brown hair? That’s kind of sad. And then there were the girls who swore they’d never date anyone who didn’t look like Edward or Jacob or chased guys who did.

22.   I would also like to point out that when I looked on a school computer, mylifeistwilight.com was blocked for “inappropriate content” and I had to laugh and agree.

23.   Twilight compares relationships to drugs. I quote: “So what you’re saying is, I’m your brand of heroin?”…(Bella) “…Yes, you are exactly my brand of heroin.” (Edward)

All I have to say to that is, well at least they’re right about that. Their relationship is unhealthy, an addiction, and completely messed up.

24.   It’s amusing to me how Meyer tries to make Edward seem dark and dangerous, and like there should be some sort of mystery to what he is. But then reveals it on the back cover “First, Edward was a vampire.” Well, there basically goes the plot of the first half of the book (and I use the word “plot” lightly).

25.   This series promotes girls letting guys handle everything and also creates a completely atrocious picture of the “perfect” specimen of a man.

26.   In the movies, Jacob takes the clumsy Bella for rides on a motorcycle (Oh yeah cause that’s smart...especially when she’s suicidal due to her boyfriend leaving), and when she falls off he cries out “Let me help you!” then proceeds to rip off his shirt. I don’t think that helps, but I suppose it was to keep the twilight fans interested.

27.   Bella whines a lot. She hated going to Forks in the first place, and pretty much detests people from day one until she meets Edward. Oh, and guess what, she still hates everyone else after meeting him.

28.   Bella teaches girls that it’s okay to not have a future, as long as you have a boyfriend. Who needs college, a job, independency and maturity when you can have a rich vampire take care of you?

29.   Twilight appeals only to young girls who don’t understand what real literature is and can actually imagine a life where a “romance” like Edward and Bella’s could actually happen. Harry Potter transcends the ages and is written with depth and clever twists and a well thought out and developed plot line.

30.   Last, but certainly not least. HARRY POTTER RULES. Avada kedavra to Twilight. So there. I’m done, happy? I can almost feel the glares from twilight fans…ah well, this was amusing at least.