THE FINAL WINNER:

For LuluTheHusky, who wanted an UndyneXAlphys. Theoretically, I could have made it romantic, but it's much more fun to show that everyone from the Underground is actually an idiot. 

~ 

Alphys looked over her notes again, a little proud of herself. She had just devised the date that was, scientifically, be the best possible with Undyne.

Well, okay, the hypothetical best possible date with Undyne, since it hadn't been tested yet. And even then, it would be theoretically the best possible date until several exact repetitions had been carried out with the same results.

But! She had enough evidence to prove that Undyne would love it!

...she hoped.

No, it had to be the best. She had to be confident! Now all she had to do was...actually ask Undyne out.

~

As usual, she found Undyne in full training mode, currently doing pull-ups.

Since magic levels were much lower on the Surface, the former Captain of the Guard had needed to double her regiment to make sure she remained the strongest. Not that she minded the extra-work; her backyard was practically a boot camp obstacle course, and she was nearly always pushing herself through it.

She seemed happy to work so hard, though, so Alphys didn't see any harm. The only thing she didn't like was how sweaty she got whenever she saw her girlfriend's even-larger biceps.

Alphys let herself in through the gate. Undyne caught sight of her, and she pulled herself up to rest her arms on top of the bar, making it look as easy as leaning against a wall. She flashed her signature toothy grin.

"Hey, Alphys."

"H-hey, Undyne." Already, she felt her scales getting clammy. This was ridiculous. They'd been dating for months. "U-uh...uh, so, uh...y'know, I'd r-really like if we could...go...out?"

Undyne stared down at her for a moment, then let out a "Pfft!" before she swung down. "Alphys, ya nerd. Of course I wanna go out with you." She laughed as she walked over. "I'd be annoyed if you didn't look so cute when you're surprised."

Alphys went bright red at that, but regardless, she smiled. "G-great! I-I mean, I know you l-l-l-like me, but I-I was afraid you might be busy." She tapped her claws together. "B-but I was thinking...maybe we could go t-to the museum?" As Undyne's expression immediately shifted to disgust, she quickly added, "There's, there's an exhibit o-on ancient swords and armor! A-And I know y--"

"SWORDS AND ARMOR?"

The shout came from inside Undyne's house. All at once, a window shattered as Papyrus launched himself through it. (He stuck the landing.)

Alphys blinked. "W-where did you come from?"

"The house, obviously!" Papyrus said brightly. "I let myself in, and then I heard 'swords and armor' and I needed to be outside."

"B-but...but why were you in the house?"

"Oh, that's easier. Undyne and I always hang out on Thursdays!"

"O-oh." That threw a wrench in her plans. "I-I didn't realize..."

"I, the Great Papyrus, am fully in favor of changing the plans to visiting the museum! And you can join us, Dr. Alphys."

Undyne frowned, draping an arm over Alphys. "Uh, Papyrus, Alphys and I are actually..."

"N-no! It's fine! I-I don't want to mess up your routine!" Alphys quickly assured. Undyne arched an eyebrow at her.

"You sure?"

"Y-yeah! We'll all go together! It'll be great!"

~

They were kicked out of the museum twenty minutes later. Alphys had forgotten that things were prone to breaking when Undyne and Papyrus were together. And, while nothing had broken, exactly, toppling 20 suits of armor like dominoes wasn't exactly smiled upon.

So Alphys was mildly freaking out. Both over potentially losing her museum membership and over the date.

But! She had to stay confident! After all, there was a part two to the date!

"Uh, so...well, I'd planned for that to take longer. B-but I found a new anime," she announced. "W-we could watch it back at my place!"

Undyne, holding Papyrus in a headlock, stopped mid-noogie to look up at her with a grin. "With princesses?"

Alphys smiled and nodded. "And swords."

Much to Papyrus' relief, Undyne let him go to do a fist pump. "Awesome."

Papyrus rubbed his top two vertebrae with a frown. "Well, count me out. I don't like anime."

Undyne frowned. "I swear, if you say it's for babies..."

"It's not that! I don't like false advertising in my TV shows." He crossed his arms with a huff. "Bishounen eyes are a completely unrealistic beauty standard."

"I'm pretty sure your issue is that you don't have eyes," Undyne pointed out.

"Even so! I am not lowering my standards for realistic anime eyes! So, while I can feel your grief at seeing me go, the Great Papyrus must journey elsewhere!"

And with that, Papyrus sprinted off to...well, Alphys wasn't exactly sure where. But definitely away.

"Aw, now we can't have a pillow fight with the entire couch," Undyne said, snapping her fingers. But she smiled down at Alphys. "Guess it's just you and me now."

Alphys returned the smile and resisted letting out a sigh of relief. "Y-yeah. Guess so."

Now they could really start their date. Finally.

~

Or...maybe not.

As they approached Alphys' house, she noticed someone standing on her porch.

Oh god.

Sans.

Why was he even here? Oh, god, Undyne couldn't see him. She hated him. She had to get him away somehow. Abruptly, Alphys grabbed Undyne's arm and turned her around.

"H-hey! You know what'd go great with anime? Noodles."

"Wh--?" Before Undyne could ask what was happening, Alphys dug in her pocket and shoved a few pieces of gold into her hand.

"Th-that should be enough! Y-you know where the store is! Thanks, Undyne!" 

"Uh...no problem?" Undyne shot her girlfriend a weird look, but started walking down the street all the same. Once she had turned the corner, Alphys immediately ran up to Sans. "What are you doing here?"

Sans nodded to the door. "Waiting for you to unlock the door."

"N-no! I-I mean, why are you here?"

Sans blinked, and he set a hand over his sternum, sockets wide. "Alph, I'm hurt. Have you forgotten about our movie night?"

Oh, god. She had. She anxiously tapped her claws together, glancing back down the street. "Can we...reschedule? It's just...well, Undyne is..."

Sans' cheekbones lifted. With his permanent grin, it was hard to tell what that meant. "Oh, I see. You're pushing your friend aside in favor of your gillfriend. I have to say, Alphys, I'm a little of-fin-ded that you think so poorly of our friendship."

Alphys let out a little whine of frustration. She knew that Sans was probably messing with her, and he would be totally fine if she told him she was on a date. But what if he wasn't? She didn't have many friends, she couldn't afford to alienate any of them!

"Ffffffffine!" she finally exclaimed. "B-but just...please, Sans, for the love of god, don't do anything to antagonize her. Please."

Sans winked. "I'll be on my best behavior. Watch, we'll all get along swimmingly."

~

This was a disaster.

Undyne had said, through bared teeth that almost looked like a smile, that this was fine. After all, Sans was Alphys' friend. And while Undyne sometimes really questioned Alphys' taste in people, she respected commitments to friends.

Sans, for his part, had kept the fish puns to a minimum while Alphys set up the DVD. For him, that was pretty good.

So, for the first twenty minutes of the show, things were...well, they were too tense to be fun. But maybe they were marginally enjoyable?

But then the phone call came. Alphys nervously excused herself, praying that Sans would behave and Undyne wouldn't murder him.

"H-hello?"

"Hello, Alphys, darling!" crooned Mettaton over the phone. "I just wanted to make sure that you're tuned in for my first ever guest appearance!"

Oh, god. She'd forgotten that, too. Once this date from hell was over, she was going to invest in a planner.

"Uh, well, I-I'm actually..."

"You're not watching it?" Crap, she could hear the pout in his voice. "My first appearance on a talk show, on the Surface,  and you, my best friend, aren't going to watch it?"

Alphys was really starting to regret this whole "put yourself out there and be a good friend" thing. She wanted nothing more than to lock herself away until she died.

"Uh, uh, uhhh-of course I am!" she said, faking a smile as she started to sweat. "I just...need to turn it on!"

"Oh, thank you, darling! I knew you'd be there for me," Mettaton gushed. In the distance, someone called his name. "That's my cue, darling! We'll talk all about this once I'm done!"

He hung up.

~

Neither Undyne nor Sans were exceptionally happy with the decision to watch Mettaton's guest spot. Undyne hated shows about talking ("Why talk when you can PUNCH?") and Sans wasn't too keen on Mettaton ("I dunno, something about him just grinds my gears.").

"L-look, I know this isn't...great. But it wi-will really mean a lot to M-Mettaton, and that m-means a lot to me."

Both Undyne and Sans huffed, but before either could reply, there was a loud cry of "METTATON?" from outside. Alphys' window seemed to explode inside; Papyrus had flipped through it.

"Hey, bro, you stuck the landing," Sans greeted.

Papyrus dusted off his shoulders before eagerly perching himself on the arm of the sofa. "I didn't know he was going to be on this show!" he said excitedly, grabbing a pillow to hug in anticipation. "He must be a special guest!"

"Anyone that high-maintenance is a 'special' guest," Undyne grumbled, crossing her arms.

"W-well, it's just an hour," Alphys mumbled, sinking down in her seat.

It was probably the longest hour of Alphys' life. Undyne kept asking when Mettaton and the host would fight, since they obviously hated each other; Sans kept snarking at the screen. Undyne kept threatening to punch Sans for talking too much; Sans shot puns right back at her. Papyrus kept shushing the both of them.

Meanwhile, Alphys was internally screaming the entire time, facing the realization that all of her friends hated each other. 

~

Finally, the end came, signalled by a text from Mettaton reading, "Thanks for watching, darling! Mwah <3 -MTT"

"I never realized how difficult being a robot celebrity is," Papyrus said wondrously, while Undyne threw back her head with a groan.

"I liked him better when he was trying to kill Frisk. He's past his prime."

"He is not!" Papyrus argued. "We never saw the real MTT then! He's showing us who he is beneath the metal. Isn't that right, Sans? Sans?"

Sans, predictably, was asleep. Papyrus huffed.

"He never could appreciate true talent, even Underground," he said, standing up and hoisting his brother onto his back. Sans barely stirred. Papyrus, though, sent Alphys a smile. "Thanks for inviting us, Dr. Alphys!"

Alphys didn't reply. She merely stared straight ahead.

Undyne, meanwhile, got up and stretched. "Well, that's an hour we're never getting back. Hey, Alphys, do you..." She trailed off as she looked down at Alphys, who still was just staring straight ahead. "Uh...Alphys...?"

She started shaking. First her hands, then her tail, and soon her whole body. Her mouth opened, and a sound came from deep in her throat. It started quietly, but soon grew very loud.

"aaaaaAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!"

Undyne stared at her girlfriend in shock. She'd never gotten this loud in her whole life. "Alphys?"

"This was a disaster! Everything about to day was horrible!" Alphys cried. "I had planned out the best date! Everything was going to be perfect for us! But no! NO! I messed it up, just like I mess up everything!" With a whimper, Alphys buried her face in her hands.

"Hey, hey, Alphys! Today wasn't so bad!" Undyne quickly plopped next to Alphys, rubbing her back soothingly. 

"Y-yes it was! I just..." She sniffled. "I wanted us to have the perfect date."

"Oh, Alphys, you nerd."

Alphys looked up, and Undyne pulled her into a hug, kissing the top of her scaly head. "Any time I'm with you is the perfect date."

"R-really?"

"Duh. I love spending time with you. Plus, all the effort you put into today is super hot."

Alphys blinked, and her whole head went bright red as she practically melted into the sofa. Undyne laughed.

"Come on, I'll make you your crappy noodles and we can finish that anime."

So, as they cuddled on the sofa, Alphys slurping her noodles and Undyne repeatedly punching the air whenever something cool happened on TV, Alphys realized that her hypothesis had been proven wrong.

This was, scientifically, the best possible date.