On the verge of another breakdown i am remembering a book I recently read- Confess by Colleen Hoover  .

A quotation from the book goes like this -

"Every day of my life it feels as if I'm fighting my way up an escalator that only goes down. And no matter how fast or how hard I run to try to reach the top, I stay in the same place, sprinting, getting nowhere. "

I don't understand anymore why I am this miserable all the time. I have been here all my life.

In the battlefield of life i was too busy surviving that I somewhat stopped living and believing. I wish I could bring back my dead soul. I wish I could dream. I wish I knew who I am and what I like. I wish i could answer people when they asked what I want to be in life. Had I not wasted my days by passing them one by one, enduring through time! I wish i was as happy my whole life. Everyone wishes that and i do too. But what i wish more is "I wish I had the luxury to let myself be sad for a while. I wish i could be weak for moment without thinking of getting attacked. I wish I could cry when i wanted to because i was so hurt by my closest people. I wish my someone in the world could understand me."

I can't put my words in a poetic way anymore. I am overwhelmed with expectations and inconsideration. No matter how much I cry and scream for help people won't listen because the way i am drowning isn't drowning in a pond or a river. It's like drowning in an ocean where screams will often go unheard and cry for help will go unnoticed.

They will see that I died. They will know that I failed. They won't know how i was screaming for help when i was in the middle of the ocean, how i wanted to live, how deep the ocean was, how strong the waves were against my pairs of arms and legs trying to float.

I can feel my thoughts making a knot inside my head. To get rid of the knot I wanna bang my head against the wall sometimes. But i sit still and try to be the good daughter, friend and a good girl.

Everyone expecting more and more and more. There is no end to their desire.

I am here living a life to make everyone else around me happy. But failing again and again and again. Nothing is ever enough.

Giving up on life is a whole new kind of melancholic situation where you have no negative feelings, you just cry once in a month and get ready to pass the next few days to again break down and again get ready for acting strong.

Billie Eilish said - There are always going to be bad things . But you can write it down and make a song out of it.

She also said, "No matter what you do you can never ever ever ever please anyone ever . "   I cherish those words.

I have come to realise that people, all of the people in this world around you, your family and friends and everyone else will never be satisfied of you. Even though you weren't born to satisfy them, they kind of think that you were born for that purpose.

I know and understand all of the above writings. But when you are lonely execution of those thoughts gets hard.

In the end there is no conclusion of this discussion.

Everyday i wake up thinking that, this day can be a super bad day or a simple bad day. But i know nothing for sure. Maybe in contrast to my assumption the day can change my life. Maybe it can be a good day too. It can be anything. As long as i am living, as long as i am breathing, I have opportunities to change my life and start living.

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