WEEK 134

Prompt:

Personally, I'm glad I'm not the chosen one. I can hardly make myself breakfast. I don't want that kind of responsibility.

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"Like, imagine what in the world I could get myself into if I was," I said to myself, chuckling.

The morning had started like every other, featuring burnt instant oatmeal and milk that spilled everywhere instead of my glass. It was like I was cursed to be unable to make breakfast properly or something.

I walked into my lounge, cautiously sitting on my chair lest it break under my weight—it would be just my luck! Suddenly my smartphone rang, flashing red: "Warning, a new monster dungeon found in the central park of New York."

What I had feared for so long had finally come to fruition: Sarah had returned.

But the superhero of the story wouldn't arrive to defeat Sarah until way past chapter 15,000,000,345 and I sure as heck wouldn't be staying here when it dropped. I know I've read the story of my life a hundred times, but whenever I witness things it claims would happen, actually happen, it still freaks me out!

Gulping, I made a note not to go to the central park (hopefully that didn't mean I was a hero denying the call or anything—the story of my life didn't say anything about that). My hopes were dashed, however, when Sarah kicked down my front door; she had arrived.

"WHERE IS MY APPLE PIE?!"

I knew it, it the end of the world, she wants to take the very last apple pie, my heart is in shreds! "What makes you think I have your apple pie??" I shouted back at her as she began rummaging through my kitchen in hopes of some pie.

"The fate of the world may be uncertain, but one thing's for sure. I'm claiming that pie as my monster survival snack, so don't even think about hiding it!"

As she was searching through the shelves, I noticed the pie placed inside a bag on a slab at the other end, and quickly hatched a plan. Swiftly, I jumped into the air, casting a spell which summoned my magic machete, and I cut down the light, which landed straight in the pie.

"MY PIE!"

"It's not your pie, and I've got an axe—shoo."

"It's a machete."

"Well it's SHARP and goes STABBY-STABBY so I'm not exactly worried about the specifics," I said indignantly.

"You do realize I could pry that thing out of your hands in a heartbeat, right?" Sarah retorted, crossing her arms.

"Well I can bring it back to me with my magic," I huffed back.

"Let's look at you try," said Sarah, before trying to fly upwards and accidentally hitting the low ceiling of my house. "lol XD"

"Why do you talk in text out loud ALL THE TIME, SARAH?"

"It's called satire, genius."

"Ooh snap, no she didn't."

"Oh 👏 yes 👏 I 👏 did," Sarah sarcastically responded, somehow vocalizing emojis.

"You have five seconds to get out of my house," I said, brandishing my magical summon axe-machete-whatever thing.

"You took five seconds to say that. Also, no."

"You know I can sue you for trespassing and invading my pie-racy!"

"Pie-racy? Don't you mean privacy?"

Obviously, the individual I was dealing with was a complete idiot and did not understand the genius behind my pun, or really, the pun at all for that matter. A real shame, because I was particularly proud of that pun. A pun that anyone with even HALF a braincell would laugh at. So I laughed at my own pun—in fact, I laughed myself to death, cutting my story short.