Erens POV

I get home and just take a shower ignoring the world around me, nothing really matters right now....nothing. The water hits my hand and it stings, but I want to feel the pain. When I get out I take a look in the mirror, I've changed a lot. Aside from the bruises my hairs never been this long before I've never been this tone and muscular before either. I've never been this much of an emotional wreck, the family I had isn't there anymore. Two important people too me just broke apart from me, I thought I could trust Jean again but I guess not. Then Mikasa.....she can't handle this? I guess my blood lust got in the middle of us, but it's over now I'm done being the guy everyone needs. I'm just gonna go back to unpopular loser Eren, the one no one needed, the one no one wanted. I go to my room and curl under the covers trying to hide from reality and drifting to sleep. When I awake it's about 9am and I look at my phone and there's 2 missed calls from Levi. Also there's about 5 messages from Mikasa, I ignore her messages and go to Levi's missed calls. I call and wait for him to answer the phone, when he does he just sounds monotone.
"I heard about the whole mess that you guys got into, and the whole Jean situation. Need to talk?"
"Not really, and especially not to my ex's brother."
"Don't think of it that way, more along the lines of your mentor."
"What do you want me to say Levi? Mikasa dumped me, that what you want?"
"Kid...Im heading to your house now, get dressed."
"Alright."
I hang up the phone and put my clothes on, which consists of a grey shirt, black jeans, my combat boots, and my black jacket. While I wait patiently I wrap my hand in bandages again, when I go downstairs my mom asks what happened to my hand I just tell her I got into a fight with another kid and it didn't end well for either side. She's upset with me but I kinda just don't care at the moment, Levi pulls up and I leave the house and into his car. When I enter he just drives without a destination.
"Eren, your honestly like a son to me... a taller son then I'd prefer but a son none the less."
"Funny but I'm just kinda not in the mood for relationship talk."
"Fine I'll talk then, Mikasa told me that she's leaving the scouts because she can't handle seeing you like what you look like now. I understand what you're going through right now, remember Petra? Me and her had a thing way back, but I drove her away because I couldn't let it go."
"Let what go?"
"The killing....the thrive to do it. It helped with some problems I had, and the fact that I was basically unstoppable made the drive more apparent. I know that's what you're going through right now too."
"Yeah but I haven't lost myself, at least not yet. I'm just waiting on the day when I do, I'm getting close."
"Do you want to?"
There's a moment of silence, Levi's not amused so he pulls into a parking lot of a old auto body shop.
"Eren, do you want to lose yourself?"
"Maybe."
Levi's expression of sorrow gives me an uneasy feeling in my gut.
"Why does it matter?"
"You know more then anyone that I was there and it was a terrible place to be, a man named Kenny helped me out of it. Mikasa was the rock you needed, now she's gone. You need to find something to help you through this, even if it's not a person but a goal."
"It doesn't matter anymore."
"You gotta get out of this mind set Eren before you actually do end up gone."
"Maybe it's better that way, everyone I know gets hurt because of me. Mentally, physically, doesn't matter which they do eventually."
"People are gonna get hurt regardless if it's because of you or not. The only one that can change that is you Eren, are you gonna continue crying about it or are you gonna take a stand and move past it?"
I look down at the floor of the car, should I continue fighting? I don't know but I do have other people in need to look out for.
"Go to the old cemetery on platt springs. I left some weapons and equipment there that we need to get back."
Levi puts the car back into drive then heads to the cemetery, when we arrive I take him to the shake and grab everything I had. I give him the AR and the satchel, I grab my holster and revolver then make it back to the car. When we open the trunk I hand Levi my revolver, he looks at me wide eyed.
"I'm gonna go back to being a student instead of a solider, when the time comes when I have to be one again I will but for now I'm putting it away."
Levi nods his head and places the equipment back in his trunk. We go back into the car and he drives me back home, I thank him for the pick-me-up and I head back inside. I walk to my mom who's sitting on the couch watching her soap operas. I go to her and hug her tight.
"What's up honey? You never show this much affection towards me."
"I'm sorry for being a bad son."
"Who said that? You are the best son a mother could have. I love you so much."
"Love you too."
I lay my head on my moms lap while she plays with my hair, I remember way back my mom used to love playing with my hair. She still gets the same enjoyment now as she did before. I slowly drift off to a simple nap still having my mother playing with my hair. I wake up to a flash and I jolt up quickly, I look at my mom laughing with a camera in her hand. I give her a small smile as she continues to laugh.
"Oh I'm keeping this one, you look like a baby it's adorable."
I start getting a little red then lay back down and go back to sleep, I just need a good break and this right here is good enough.