I had just entered highschool a couple of months ago and as I went on I noticed something. I was becoming more and more depressed as time went on. I no longer had remembered the reason why I had worked hard or even wanted to work hard in the first place. I even forgot the most important lessons that were taught to me by the ones I knew and still loved. Those lessons weren't taught to me how you'd think they'd be taught. They were taught through sheer force of will and hardships. I also forgot the lessons and knowledge that they had given me and that I had struggled to learn. I didn't even remember the true reason why I still fought. Sad, really. I made a promise to them, to never forget what they taught me, what I learned, and all the memories and hardships we all went through but, I forgot all of it. I fell even further back down into that dark deep pit I had once been acquainted with more so than before. I remain. My demons have caught up with me and have taken over... tainting my thoughts with such "disgusting" things that I had worked so hard to forget about.

All I wanted was peace of mind and  someone I could cling to back then but it seems as if they had abandoned me as I did them... I wish I could change it all... I guess it was something I called home to and took for granted and now I'm wishing that I hadn't done that...there was always something deep down inside of me telling to never let go but to keep going . It was this something that allowed me to over come my sadness in middle school but once I left that place the voice dissipated and a new one took over. This one new voice is what weakened.... me daily...causing me to fear what I've become and what I might become. This voice lead me into fearing the bright and dark future that I may carve out of my path.

I now fear the thing that I was so proud of and optimistic about, and I wish I wasn't afraid. I'm afraid of  failing and afraid to fail. I used to be a person strong enough to handle failure and get back up and try again but now I am powerless...helpless...and drowning.

I sometimes even see my younger selves and see them smiling brightly at me holding their hands out to me and ushering me for them to follow them and how I wish they weren't just figments of my imagination and past memories. Oh how I wish they were real so that they could be the ones to help me up onto my feet and push me forward...particularly the "me" of last year. She was much stronger than me, and I feel that she knew something that I didn't and held and still holds a certain something within her that I do not possess now. Oh how I wish she were real. I realize that she too had her problems, the same as mine but she knew to never give up in the face of her demons...she knew how to fight them and beat them back with a force that has never been seen since I was her... but now that I am no longer her and she is no longer I continue to fear that my time of happiness has ended.

I live with constant disappointment on my shoulders and other problems that are most of the times too heavy a burden for me to bear as young as I am but I try my best. Even during those times I feel like my best is still my worst and my worst my best... I fear my demons are becoming my emotions because I can no longer distinguish what I feel and how to feel it or how I'm even feeling it. I want to keep my head above the water but it's the hardest thing when you've fallen so far into the darkness that you can no longer see the light that is right in front of you. It's a thing that I wish to face but am too afraid to face alone or even with friends. I do not wish for anyone to get hurt in the process and thus try not to face it at all but instead just bottle it up and paint a smile on my face and make everything seem alright. 

I feel like I care too much about others and not enough about myself and I just wish I could bring myself to care about myself more but it's hard to do when your own self concious and sub concious feelings are screaming out to you everyday that:"NO IT'S WRONG TO HELP YOURSELF !"  and  that:"YOU NEED TO HELP EVERYONE YOU CAN BUT YOURSELF BECAUSE IT'S WRONG TO NOT DO SO!"  It's something that I've struggled with for years but had no clue that I struggled from it, letting it grow and get out of control and eventually possess me.

Even when I walk around  my new school or even when I'm sitting in class memories of the past come flooding back and it pains me every time they do because I know it could never go back to the way it once was. It even pains me to say that and push the memories into the very back and dark reaches of my mind  because they are something that  I treasure. I treasure them because they tell of a past that was fucked up, happy, depressing and disorientating all at the same time and I cherish those feelings along with the moment of time that my brain has captured that day. It's something that I cannot help but do... I will always miss the way things used to be regardless of how old I become. It's just something that I don't wish to forget but I forget anyways. it's something that I know that I cannot stop but want to stop....I just wish I could re-do it all and experience those happy feelings again.

~From yours truly, Layla.A

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Hope you enjoyed this chapter and as always till next time my fellow readers!!!!!!~8)