Dear Lauren,

I got to see my granny for the first time since she started thinking that Grandpa was cheating on her. It doesn't feel so different than usual, but it does at the same time.

I still get the same chill down my spine and the tingling in my head that I can feel for hours after my granny does the cross prayer over me.

It's a soothing prayer, one who's rhythm of Spanish that's meaningless to me and the steady tap of her fingers doing a dot-to-dot of crosses all over my face and a little below my neck reassures me before laying down for bed.

The trains are all still there, barreling down the tracks for all to hear. There's one blaring its horn right now.  My brother and I used to sit on the couch for hours, fascinated by cable TV. Now instead we sit inside separate bedrooms on our phones ignoring the world around us.

I think the main difference this time is that over half the time Granny speaks to me in Spanish. I think she forgets I can't understand her. Maybe she doesn't even realize. Still, it doesn't change the fact that she's getting older.

Today, she gave me a bunch of new stuff like perfume and bracelets. I'm a little scared because each visit she gives me a little more each time. What if she knows death is nearing and she's trying to get rid of a bunch of her stuff?

I don't want to imagine a world without her, my wonderful granny in her dresses and glasses, constantly working on crossword puzzles and sudokus.

And yet I know it's coming, and I don't think I'll be prepared. I'm scared and sad and I think I can hear death calling to me. Please, don't take anyone else I love away from me. I think I won't be able to handle it happening again in such a short time.

Lauren, remember that I'll always love you. I wish I could have reminded you sooner. Then maybe I could have helped you live just long enough to see the gleams of sunshine life has to offer.