Dear Lauren,

I'm so tired. My orchestra teacher treats us like we're playing terribly just to spite her. For most of us that's not true. I play to spite only a little. As if she ever has the cellos play at all. Poor violins. They have the opposite problem; she makes them play till the bell or their strings snap. I hate orchestra.

I finished reading The Fountains of Silence. There's this one line in there. Estamos más guapas con la boca cerrada. We are prettier with our mouths shut.

I wonder if that's true. I know there are people who mind me annoying when I talk. Sometimes I do too. But I think I will speak my mind until I'm dead, no matter how dangerous it might get. Or I will be quiet until it is the right moment. Let my fury swirl until I know others are angry too. Then we can unite and it will be harder for them to force us back into silence.

Scythe has also given me a lot to think about. I love the book series, especially the deep meaning behind every word. So many questions and wonders about death, morals, and the future, so many thoughts and ideas about ethics, philosophy, and what the difference is between right and wrong. Sometimes the line gets so blurred that you don't know where it is.

I remember one day I was reading the first book and one of my friends saw me. "Oh, you'll probably love Goddard," he said. My personality says I would, but there's a hate for him that burns deep in my soul. To murder, or glean, 30,000 innocent bystanders to cover up your own mistakes is unforgivable.

I don't remember the exact quote, but it is something that holds a special place in my heart. "And so, the people were gleaned with such compassion, that they begged to die next. When all the people were gone, the scythes proceeded to glean themselves, invoking the 7th commandment." I hated the sinking of the island, but from the point on from when Scythe Curie says, "Are we rats, or are we scythes?" and to the point where she dies, is one of the most beautiful, yet painful, parts of the book.

To kill someone quickly and painlessly with such kindness is what I believe to be the best way to kill someone. If I were to be a scythe, I'd have a clock the colors of a dragonfly. Some people see them as reincarnated souls at peace. So do I. There's magic in those wings of theirs. For my patron historic, I might choose Ada Lovelace or Emily Dickinson. I don't know if anyone in the series has taken them yet though.

Hope is the thing with feathers
That perches in the soul

I wish happiness was like that too. Until then, I think I'm doomed to keep falling through the never ending abyss of failure, hopelessness, depression, and sadness for things I can do nothing for.