Dear Lauren,

I did belt testing.

I did it.

I actually earned by advanced brown belt.

I didn't think I'd be able to do it, but there's something about retesting that's different.

For one thing, there's a lot less people. We all do everything together and there's no worry. From advanced red belts to junior black belts with a red center, we kick together, we punch together, we fail and succeed together.

It's just so much easier. We laugh easier, we get excited easier. I started handing out high fives and smiled like they were confetti. Everyone else started doing the same. It feels good, to know I started something.

I fell when doing a spinning hook kick. My butt and my back hurt for a while after that, but I was too excited to stop. There's a certain thrill I never noticed before. Now I know how some people have so much energy all the time. I'm tired now, but I loved every second of it. I even landed a few hits in sparring.

I'm glad I started doing martial arts. And to think we only just started year 3, 3 days ago.

In lunch I talked about the shooting in Maine. 18 people or maybe more were killed. At least 20 were injured. Can you believe that, Lauren?

It makes me think of that short story I read in Gleanings. Death comes for us all. You can put it in a cage, but that won't stop it.

Sometimes I think about what would happen if a shooter came to our school. People make jokes about it and talk about how teachers are more concerned about dress code than shooters coming into the school, but what they don't realize is that everyone is scared. I crack jokes about it because I'm scared. Humor isn't scary most of the time. If I can make it seem funny, then maybe it won't be so terrifying.

Stranger, Shooter, Psychopath. It's a game my friends and I play at lunch whenever we see a person walking in the bus lot. Stranger, Shooter, Psychopath. It's not just a game.

Everyone seems so sad these days. Subs are mean, my orchestra teacher is crabbier than ever, teachers are assigning us all these projects, and the holocaust presentations have sent a cloud of depression over all the humanity students who have the presentation as a grim reminder of what's happening in the world.

Daddy's back in the hospital. My brother's crying about it. The cousins are coming tomorrow so that means I won't be able to do any of my homework due Monday. Mama's stressed about everything. The only one who's happy is Mika. She's a dog.

If a shooter were to come to my school, I'd probably be among the first to die. I don't think I'm completely against that.