Dear Lauren,

I honestly don't know where to start. Maybe I'll start with what prompted me to write to you today.

I read a chapter from a book one of my friends wrote. The chapter mentioned someone who also killed themselves and their friend who was dealing with grief.

It felt nice to relate to a character like that, but at the same time it feels like I shouldn't be able to relate to them, if that makes any sense.

God, I'm a mess without you. It's so weird I don't remember my own name sometimes, yet I can still remember that time you got food poisoning in first grade from the pizza pies they served for lunch.

I was telling my friends I met at camp about it earlier this week and for a bliss moment, I forgot you were dead.

It was amazing, feeling like I'd be able to go back to school and see you preform with the varsity cheer team. Maybe we'd even have a class or two together.

I know we were never close, but there's a question I've been wondering and too afraid to ask.

Did you ever think about me in those final moments, hours, days, maybe even weeks? How long were you planning this?

Some people get texts, calls, or even in person reminders that some loves them before they die. Those people are lucky.

Some people never get to here anything before someone dies because it wasn't expected. They die in accidents, heart attacks, strokes, shootings. They're also lucky.

But you want to know who the unlucky ones are? They're the ones who haven't heard from someone who died from suicide since elementary. There the ones who the news or anything related to the dead person is 3 days after they're gone. That hurts, it really hurts.

I know some people show signs of being suicidal, but you never did. Your parents never noticed, you were always the ray of sunshine everyone needed. I wish you did, then maybe you wouldn't be dead.

I've been thinking the world would be better off without me since I was 5. 5 year old me didn't have any friends, only neighbors that would probably dance on my grave or ignore my death all together. 5 year old me didn't have attentive parents, they were to preoccupied with work and my brother who would throw a fit at the smallest thing and claim it was the worst day ever. Why would they noticed their daughter's absence?

5 year old me could see how you might've thought no one loved you, but present me can't. Present me has friends who embrace her weird and randomness. Present me has parents that have more time for her. Present me feels loved, and can't imagine anyone getting ignored or forgotten like she was.

Present me loves you and regrets not spending more time with you to remind you that you are seen, you are heard, you are loved.

What did I ever do to deserve you, no matter for how long it was?

My friend told me that they were thinking of me as they wrote the chapter, and by extension, you. People care, Lauren. I'm sorry if I ever made you feel otherwise.

My friend also said some of their friends are missing. I really hope they didn't do what you did.

Sometimes I think you were selfish to kill yourself. Is that wrong?

My only comfort in this is that one day I might be able to see you again. Whether it's today, tomorrow, next week, decades later, in heaven or in hell, I'll see you again and I'll be able to make for all the years we lost.