In the seventeen years of my life, I had always remained cautious. 

I was never brave or foolish enough to be impulsive. Anything that I did, there would be a lot of thought behind it. I was an overthinker, I was very well aware of the fact. I was horrified by the prospect of making decisions, and anytime that I was forced to make one, I would make a chart, writing the pros and cons and all the auxiliary situations that could arise from making the decision. 

Over the course of the last few weeks, however, I was careless. Or carefree perhaps. It felt liberating. Frighteningly so. 

I spent the majority of my time with Ace. I even resorted to sleeping at his place on nights that we were out for way too long. In all honestly, I kept waiting for my mom to tell me off, however, I was pleasantly surprised when she didn't. Being imparted with freedom also seemed to give me a strange sense of responsibility that I had never previously felt. My parents trusted me enough. Trust that I had earned through years of staying out of trouble and maintaining my average behaviour at basically everything. I wasn't bad, nor good; just enough. 

I kept hoping Ace would kiss me again. Ever since he had, I couldn't get it out of my head. The way his soft lips had felt on mine. The way our hot breaths had morphed together. The way he had touched me, so gently. It made me weak in the knees while my heart revelled in cinders. 

 In all honestly, I felt like he was being a little too reckless. Breaking into places, overeating at times so he would spend a few hours throwing up, drinking, driving too fast sometimes and other times too slow. But I didn't say anything, knowing that all he needed right now was for me to be patient. And after all that he had done for me, he deserved that much.

And behind the mischievous twinkle in his eyes that always meant he was up to no good, I distinguished the glimmer of hope. He was trying to fit in a lifetime of experiences and stories in a short span. A stupid idea. But what was wrong in believing a foolish dream? 

One night, Ace told me he wanted to go on a night-long drive. We had a small maths test the next day in school and under normal circumstances, I wouldn't have agreed. But this time, there was no way I was going to refuse anything to him. 

I hadn't told about Ace's diagnosis to my parents. It wasn't my secret to tell. I told them we were going to study, hence effectively lying to them for what I presumed was the first time. I felg a pang of guilt but slipped out of my house before it truly kicked in. I slid into Ace's car and sighed, massaging my temple as the guilt racked my insides. 

"What's wrong?" he asked without missing a beat as the car started. 

"Nothing just..." I sighed and leaned back, biting my lip. If I told him I was feeling guilty about lying to my parents, or that I had even lied to them in the first place, there was no way he would let me go through with it. "Just a little tired."

I found myself dishonest much more frequently these days. But the heart sometimes needs assuring lies.

He furrowed his eyebrows but didn't ask anything more. "I think the place I have in mind might help take your mind off it. It's a little farther than the city though."

I nodded. "Sounds good."

I hugged myself as we drove further away from the city. The area became eerily quiet, with a silence so loud that I could hear my own pounding heart over the gentle hum of the engine. The scenery changed into rows of trees, pinpricks of light that were half-hearted streetlamps as the road became unkempt. It was times like these that the solitude of Haywood really kicked in. Away from the glittering lights. Away from the din of the traffic. 

It turns out that Ace was right, however. The farther we got from the city, the harder it became for me to worry about the little white lies I had told. Plus with Ace, it was difficult to worry about mundane things. He was like that punch of adrenaline that made me just a little bit careless, just a little more curious, so much happier. He saw the world so differently. Living in the moment, Leaping first, looking later. I was always there to ground him. Was that part of the reason why he had leapt? Knowing if he were to fall, I would catch him?

Sometimes it was a relief to see him being his true impulsive self. After his father's death in middle school, I had been terrified of losing the careless, hot-headed, impulsive Ace. The Ace I had always known as my own. A part of me felt he had gotten worse, which was barely an assurance.

"Just a little further. I think you'll love it," he said after a while.

I remained quiet, pulling the cap of my hoodie lower over my head. I glanced sideways at Ace and smirked slightly. He was wearing his grey hoodie, seemed like the chill of autumn had finally ascended into winters. 

He parked the car at a seemingly random place on the street and I turned to look at him, raising an eyebrow in question. "Why did we stop here?"

"Come on. This is the place." Without explaining further, he stepped out of the car. I sat still for a while before deciding to follow him. I couldn't see anything except dark, open fields on either side of us. A few street lamps and light from far home homes barely lit up the dark.

"Ace...there's nothing here," I said, wondering if this was indeed where he meant to bring me. "Why did you want to come here?"

He ignored me and promptly made his way into the field. My first thought was how the place would be ideal for bugs. I followed him and decided to warn him about it. My words, however, died in my throat when I saw him, spread-eagled, on the grass below already. He shut his eyes and sighed blissfully. "I love the peace and quiet here. Feels like you're so far away. Adrift."

In everything that he did, it felt like Ace was forcibly implying how carefree and shallow he was. Although, my more than a decade long friendship with him had taught me better. And I was no longer surprised when he said profound things such as he just had. 

"Yeah, it's nice," I said and plopped down beside him, sitting cross-legged. 

"Miles," he asked softly after a while. "I'm being stupid, aren't I?"

"You are inherently moronic yes," I shrugged, looking at him. "What's your point?"

He chuckled and turned to lie on his stomach, propping himself on his elbows as he gazed at me. "That's not what I mean," he bit his lip and gave me a rueful smile. "Trying to see everything before I can't anymore. It's a fool's dream, isn't it? It's like...having a week to live and trying to do everything you ever wanted."

A lump rose in my throat. Did I think it was foolish? Yes. But it was also wishful. Hopeful. Perhaps a little too much so. 

"No," I said. "It's not stupid."

"Really?" he asked, his voice so low that I had to strain to listen to it. 

"You should...do it you know," he said. I gazed at him, puzzled as to where he was going. "When I'm blind-" he stuttered for just a second before trudging on in a way that made icy claws grip my heart, "-you should go and see everything. My dad always said the world is full of wonders. I'd like you to see them even if I can't."

It took all my strength to stop from bawling like a baby at his words. It didn't matter how much he tried to hide his agony, it was stark clear to me. And in that brief moment,  I realized that this must be the greatest pain anyone could ever face. To see someone you love in so much pain, and still be helpless. To watch as they wither away. To spectate as they fade. To wail in agony into a dark void of silence, knowing your helplessness. 

"I have a better plan," I said, rambling. "You know when I grow up I'll be a scientist because I'm smart. And then I'll find a cure and then you'll be okay and we can go see the world together."

He burst out laughing at my words. "You really believe that?"

I gaped at him, slightly affronted. "Yes." I took a deep breath and asked softly, "Will it happen? Will you actually go blind?"

He shrugged, his eyes glassy. "They can't tell for sure. It's supposed to affect my central vision. I'll still have peripheral. More like...a blind spot." 

I nodded, pulling my knees up to my chest and sighing. "I'll...I'll find something."

He chuckled. "You'll remember me? When you become this great big mega brained scientist who finds a cure for juvenile macular? You'll have better things to do. Go get your Nobel Prize perhaps."

I bit my lip, my chest concave under the heavy air that suddenly felt like lead. "What the fuck do you mean?"

"People change. Circumstances change them. And relationships always change," he said, quoting me perhaps verbatim. He smirked softly. "So will ours."

For a second, I was surprised by his words, before I slowly realized his implication. And more than that, realized what I had meant. When I had told him about relationships and how people drift apart, I hadn't for a single second considered us. Now that I thought about it, it seemed idiotic. The fact remained that the idea of Ace was so intimately linked with my life that I didn't consider us to have any relationship at all. He was constant. Like a part of my heart would go with him if he were ever to leave. How could I fathom that?

"When I go to get my Nobel Prize," I said quickly, my voice clogging up with tears. "You can be my plus one," I said. 

He chuckled some more. "You'd probably want to take your wife there."

I gritted my teeth at his implication. "Who said I'll have a wife?"

"A husband then," he said softly. 

"Who said I'll have a husband?"

"A partner then," he sighed.

"So?" I asked, defiantly. 

"So what? You'll forget me. You'll graduate from school at the top of your class. Go on to some really great college. Maybe get into some masters and cause waves with your brilliant researches. You'll find someone. Fall in love. Build a family. Build a home. I'll be history by then."

I couldn't understand why it hurt so much. Was it because on some level, I was afraid he was right, or was it because I couldn't envision a future without him? I knew I could perhaps go on without him. But I wouldn't be the same. 

"What about you?" I asked softly. "Where are you in this picture?"

He didn't answer. I glanced at him and he sighed, lying on his back and stretching an arm out in front of him. I watched the silver celestial light from above weave between his slender fingers. "Adrift," he answered slowly. 

My chest seemed hollow all of a sudden. The pleasant breeze suddenly felt icy cold. "You'll leave....me."

He lowered his hand and turned to look at me. I marvelled at the way the stars above reflected in his enigmatic irises. "Never."

"I won't let you," I stated firmly, my fingers numb at the idea of an Ace-less future. 

He chuckled. "Okay."

Did he believe me? I couldn't quite tell. I had never been the best at explicitly showing how much I loved someone. I wasn't sure if it came with being such an utter introvert. But I had always been sure that the things I did, little gestures I made, would make it clear what I meant. But when it came to Ace, I wasn't sure. 

We sat quietly for a while before Ace straightened up and gazed silently at me. "Milo, you really don't think that I'm stupid trying to experience as many things as I can before...it happens?"

"No," I answered firmly as he pulled himself closer to me.

"You...you shouldn't think so much about me, Miles," he said softly. "You can't leave your exam midway because I'm sick. You can't always look out for me. You can't always protect me. I don't want to hold you back. You...you shouldn't set so much store by me."

A single tear escaped my eyes and I quickly brushed it away, my chest hollow. "Why....why are you saying all this?"

"Because...your world is going to be so much bigger than this place," he said softly, placing a hand on my cheek as our gazes met. I leaned into his tender touch. "Your life is going to be so much better outside of Haywood. You're made for so much more than...just me."

"Fu-fuck you, Archer," I whispered, my tears rolling down rapidly as I glared at him, hazy behind my tears. "How are you fucking s-saying that? St-stop it. It f-fucking hurts."

He fell silent as my world disappeared into shadows. I shut my eyes, struggling to keep from sniffling like a baby. He was quiet, letting me slowly regain myself. The weight of his words weighed heavily on my chest, and I realized,  that maybe I had been lying to myself. Maybe there was no way I could actually live without him. It was excruciating, and maybe I wasn't strong enough. 

I finally managed to wipe my face and look at him. 

"I'm sorry," he whispered softly. I nodded, not saying anything as he leaned in and our lips met in a fiery kiss, causing my heart to shatter into shards of pain, joy and an unexplained emotion my naivety would call love. 

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Okay so...just a hint that this episode isn't over yet. There's more stuff. 

My uploads are probably going to be all over the place because my university just doesn't seem to like me at all. A mutual feeling by the way.

Nonetheless, I hope you're enjoying the Ace and Miles moments. 

Thank you!