WARNING: As the chapter goes on, her mood shifts into a darker side, and if you feel uncomfortable or triggered by reading topics regarding self-hatred and suicidal thoughts I suggest you stop reading from the part where she makes her way to her room.

Day 6

I walk out of the shower and start dressing up. Wearing a blue and purple plaid shirt and loose pants that barely reach my knees.

Apparently Arianna and Dylan were already here, sleeping off their jet lag. And now I'm going to meet them.

To say I'm anxious would be an understatement. I hold out my hands for a few seconds, staring at them as they shake. I clench unclench my hands, then sigh and walk to the nightstand next to the bed.

I pick my pills for my acid reflux, stomach ulcer, and anxiety, down them with one go of a half-empty glass of water next to them. I wonder what will happen if these pills stop working... life will be a literal pain.

But I'll definitely need the anxiety one for today. I push back my glasses and with a final deep breath, walk out of the room and head to the elevator.

As the elevator descends, my heartbeat steadily rises. I chew my bottom lip as I step out of the elevator and looking around the somewhat crowded lobby.

We're supposed to meet at the indoor coffee shop. I slowly make my way through the people. From a healthy distance away I'm able to spot them.

They are standing near the entrance, Adrien's back facing towards me. With a deep breath, I push my legs to take me to them.

Arianna's pink hair is up in a messy bun, strands of faded pink falling down around her face. From this distance, I can spot four necklaces, her purple eyeshadow, and her dark pink lipstick. I'm surprised, she hasn't changed a bit. At least her style hasn't. She's wearing a sleeveless tank top with a rainbow on it, a short black skirt along with fishnet tights, and black boots.

I can faintly hear their voices. Not wanting to get in the middle of their discussion, I pause and then take a step back, but Arianna's loud and clear voice can be easily heard over all the chatters.

"Why the hell do you want to spend a whole year with her! Didn't you always call her insufferable bitch?" Her voice carries out. Too busy in their argument, they don't see me.

I know they are talking about me, and I shouldn't eavesdrop and I should walk away, but it's like my feet have been glued to the marble floor.

I see Adrien shrug and shift his weight from one foot to the other, and now I can see Dylan too.

His black hair tied back tightly, head to toe covered in grey clothing.

"Now I don't," he says and Arianna huffs and crosses her arms in front of her chest.

"Dude! She's a pain the ass... and a loser... and a freak!" Dylan says and Arianna rolls her eyes.

"She thinks she's too good to even talk to us," Arianna pointedly says.

"It'll be pure torture!" Dylan whines.

After a long pause, Arianna adds, "We have nothing in common,"

"We should do this, it'll be fun!" Adrien says after a stretched moment of silence.

Arianna scoffs, "You're up to something... are you planning on pushing her in front of a drunk driver?"

That makes Dylan laugh and Adrien shakes his head.

I really should walk away.

"I can't believe we're going to spend a whole year with Eleotard!" Dylan says.

The nickname feels like a stab to a healing wound... Eleotard is one of the many nicknames Adrien had come up with for me, this being one of everyone's favorite.

I knew this was a bad choice.

I never should've agreed to this.

I'm so stupid!

I need to get away from here.

My drumming heartbeat being the only sound in my ears, I start to make my way towards the exit.

Not four steps away, I hear Adrien call out my name, followed by him placing himself next to me.

I shouldn't be hurt, but I am.

I should've gotten used to these things but like an idiot that I am, I wasn't expecting that they'd still use those names for me. Still see me the same way they did back then.

I force myself to look at Adrien, I don't even know why he started bullying me in the first place, I can't ever seem to be able to find what I said or did that pissed him off enough, that made him hate me enough to make the school a living hell and everyone in it despise me.

"Adrien," I force out.

"We were supposed to meet there," he points with his index finger towards where Arianna and Dylan stand, his gaze fixed on me, eyeing me suspiciously.

I nod my head which only makes him narrow his eyes, "Yeah," I say but can't find the courage to say I don't want to come.

Why do I have to be like this!

He motions his hands and I turn around, we walk back to where they were standing.

I don't know why I did this. Why I walk to them, and force myself to smile at them as they greet me like I'm their old friend... when I know that they hate me and can barely stand me.

If I knew how to join discussions and just be able to talk and interact, I wouldn't have been in this state.

If only I weren't like this...

We walk to an empty table and sit around it. Arianna across from me, Dylan to my left and Adrien to my right.

Maybe I can't comprehend how annoying I am. I have probably given them a reason for them to dislike me without realizing it.

I probably deserve this, their hate, the names, and everything.

"I couldn't believe when Adrien said we'll be traveling the world for a whole year and that also with you!" Arianna enthusiastically says. A wide smile on her lips as she looks at me.

I smile back at her all the while feeling a pair of hands around my heart, tightening with every passing second.

"You haven't changed a bit," she adds, an amused smile playing on her lips.

"So what's the plan?" Dylan asks.

I glance at Adrien and he leans forward, "Right now we know we want to see Geneva," he says with a smile in a tone like it's the most obvious thing.

I wish I could come up with something, anything to say, but my mind might as well be a blank paper.

I can ask how their flight was but that would probably sound stupid. I nervously chew my lip.

Arianna scoffs and looks at me, "So what's the plan?" She asks with excitement, her blue glinting in the light.

"I just said that! Are you deaf?" Adrien says with annoyance.

"You're not the planner, she is. Right now, you're even more useless than a cucumber," she retorts.

Dylan bursts out in laughter and Adrien glares at her before flipping her off, which Arianna responds with sticking her tongue out earning a glare from him.

Wow, they're weird.

"So, you were saying..." Arianna says, looking back at me.

"I don't have a plan yet... but I've written down a few famous places around here..." I slowly say, not looking at any of them as my voice trails down.

"Great!" Arianna jumps up with excitement, giving me enough confidence to look up from my hands.

"I don't know if you guys would like to go to those places... I mean I can look up places that you'll like," I say and start replaying it in my head to make sure I haven't said anything stupid or embarrassing.

"Add a few clubs to the list and I'll be as happy as a kid on a Christmas morning." She says with a wide smile, Dylan chuckles and agrees.

"I am not going to drag your drunk asses out of different clubs each night for a whole year," Adrien warns them and they both flip him off at the same time.

I try to keep my expression neutral and hide my surprise but just wow! They're so different... comfortable around each other... I always thought these types of relationships only exist in movies.

I shift in my seat, feeling horribly out of place. I don't belong to this group... I'm an outcast.

Even if they smile and act nicely towards me, it's all an act, pretending that I'm one of them... it's fake, a beautiful lie but a lie nonetheless.

I wish I could disappear.

"Will broke up with Sophie, did you know that?" Suddenly Arianna asks, making Adrien furrow his brows and shake his head.

"And she got to screw him," Dylan adds, receiving a middle finger form Arianna and Adrien snorts.

Sophia... the cheerleading captain in junior and senior years back in high school, as well as Adrien's ex who took an awful lot of pleasure in pouring water on me and shredding my home works. She also slept with Will, Adrien's best friend back then, while they were dating, it was quite scandalous since they were couple goals in our high school.

I can't stop myself from thinking how could it be possible that almost every time Adrien has been cheated on... and now I feel bad for him, but push it away into the back of my mind. I am by no means in a state to feel bad for someone. It can even be considered an insult.

Adrien leans back into his chair, glances at me for a short moment, and then looks at Arianna.

"He wasn't even that cool," Arianna complains and Dylan makes a face at her.

"What? Don't look at me like you didn't want to sleep with Soph for all those years, even when Adi and she were dating,"

"But the point is, I didn't," he pointedly says and she rolls her eyes.

"I would've if she wasn't straight," Arianna shrugs and Adrien chuckles.

I try my best not to get weirded out by the topics of their discussion. I shift uncomfortably.

"Anyway, she dropped out of college... she's into modeling now, wants to enter Hollywood and shit like that, and pathetically regrets cheating on you," she says with a smirk and Adrien arches his eyebrow, looking amused, "Right now she's in Spain, with the rest of the gang," she finishes.

The gang... a jolt of anxiety shoots through my body. Even thinking about it is painful.

"Spain?" Adrien asks with surprise.

She shrugs, "Yeah... invited me over but I declined. Apparently they'll be there for the whole summer at James's penthouse."

Adrien started this gang and they called themselves the gang, giving the god of creativity a heart attack with their overloaded creativity. He started the trend of bullying me and they were the ones carrying it out. They bullied me to get Adrien's attention and acceptance so they could be a part of the cool kids. He always stood afar with his stupid smirk, watching, enjoying as they bullied me.

Supposedly I deserved it.

"I don't remember seeing you at prom," suddenly Dylan says, surprising me.

"I didn't go to prom," I reply.

"No shits!" Arianna gasps dramatically.

I wonder if I'm supposed to answer that.

My leg bouncing becomes more prominent.

"Prom was fucking awesome! We got crazy drunk," Arianna starts with excitement, as she scoots to the edge of her seat and continues, "We did all the crazy shits that you can't even think of! You should've come! We would've shown you what fun means!" She enthusiastically finishes and I smile at her.

No one asked me, no one wanted me there, I would've been completely alone there. It hurts to think about it but I smile anyway.

"Guess I missed a huge thing," I say lightly with a smile, but feel Adrien's gaze burning holes into me.

Maybe he knows why I never even once considered prom... though I highly doubt that he would care enough to spare a thought over me.

I wish he would stop looking at me like that. If it's pity, I don't want it... If it's regret, it's too late for that now.

I can feel the pills working but not strong enough to make me keep up with being under his gaze.

"How about homecoming?" Arianna asks, sounding genuinely curious.

I shake my head no and she raises both her eyebrows in surprise.

"But..." she starts but her voice trails down.

I know what she's thinking about. "James asked me but then changed his mind and then I had a lot of studying to do," I explain at the same time trying not to let my mind wander off to that time, those emotions and feelings.

The truth is, Adrien warned him that if he shows up with me at homecoming, he will throw him out of the basketball team... after all Jace was the captain and Adrien knew how to use his brother's spot to his advantage.

"You honestly haven't done anything other than studying," Dylan says with disbelief. "It's like you haven't lived at all."

"You've missed out on all the fun!" Arianna adds.

I know she's right but I can't help feeling annoyed at them... I already know that! I don't need everyone and anyone walking up to me and telling me that, reminding me how much I've missed out on.

It's not just Arianna's pitying gaze or Dylan's judgmental looks, it's everyone, everything, and myself. I'm just so sick of everyone telling me how I haven't done anything as if I already don't know that.

I'm just so sick of this, sick of myself.

It's frustrating... tiring.

Their discussion continues jumping from one topic to another as they try to catch up with each other.

I have no place here.

Eventually, I gather up the courage and excuse myself by saying I should start planning stuff; feeling sick and tired of myself, I walk away from them.

As I walk towards the elevator and then to my room, I feel my hands shaking more and more, heart dully thudding, it's drumming sound echoing in my ears.

By the time I open my hotel room's door, I'm shaking from head to toe and breathing heavily.

I hang the do not disturb sign on the handle and step inside the room and close the door.

I start pacing the room, my shallow breathing and thundering heartbeat the only sound.

I push my hands through my hair and start tugging them harshly.

The voices in my head get louder, every snicker, every bully's comment, every disappointed look from my parents, and Theo, along with Avery's words, start playing like a broken tape in my head and they are getting deafeningly loud.

I draw the curtains, blocking the sunlight, considerably darkening my room.

I continue pacing, I try to take deep breaths to calm myself but it's useless.

It feels like thousands of needles are piercing through my flesh.

"Stop, stop stop," I start saying as I hold my head between my hands, my palms pushing into my temples, my fingers curling on my scalp, my eyes burning.

I take off my glasses and throw them on the sofa.

I feel like my lungs are on fire, burning and being squeezed at the same time, also being stabbed in the heart repeatedly. It feels like the room is shrinking, the world pressing in on me.

"Stop!" I scream but my voice breaks and it turns into loud ugly sobs, tears of frustration stream down my face.

"I hate you!" I start screaming and sobbing and kicking the foot of the bed repeatedly.

I hold my head tighter and fall to my knees, my body racking as I sob.

I keep shaking as I rock back and forth, holding my head between my hands. Tears fall down on my knees, as I keep sobbing, the fists around my throat tightening, feeling like ten people are kicking me at the same time. A thousand pounds weight pressing me down.

"Why do you have to be like this?" I sob harder. "Why do I have to be like this?"

Why do I have to be like?

I can't talk, everyone hates me, I'm insufferable for everyone.

I was good at one thing, only one thing that made me happy and I wasn't good enough for it, I sacrificed everything for it but I still failed. I gave into them and gave it up. I gave up the only thing that made me happy.

I've failed at everything.

I hug myself as the tears stream down my face.

What am I doing with my life?

Who am I without my grades and B.E.?

No one! I'm nobody!

I hate myself. I hate who I am.

I hate every single thing that sums up and makes me, me.

I never asked for this life.

I don't want this life!

I can't change myself; I can't start over. I'm trapped. I'm trapped in this life and it's suffocating me.

No one understands me, no one understands it, that I'm dying. This is killing me, who I am is killing me.

I don't want this.

I wish I could disappear, cease to be, into the void and lost in oblivion.

If I could just let go... 

I wish I could erase myself from everyone's memory and just die.

I don't want to live.

I look around the room, breathing heavily. I lean to my bed, resting my head on the cool soft mattress.

A fresh set of tears, silently stream down my face. Wetting the mattress.

The thoughts turn into a black whirlwind in my head, eventually, my thoughts are jumbled enough that I can no longer pinpoint a thought.

Emptiness fills my mind.

I don't know how long I sit there, maybe a minute, an hour, a day.

With great effort, I push my aching body up and take off my shoes and turn off the lights.

I text mom and dad that I'll be working on a project, so I won't be leaving my hotel room for a few days and I might forget to call them. Another lie.

I crawl into the bed, under the covers.

I stare at the curtains and eventually drift off to sleep.

+++

((So what do you think about Arianna and Dylan? And generally what are your thoughts on this chapter? Thank you for reading it btw, and don't forget to vote! One more thing, I've made a playlist for this story, it has the songs that inspire me or I'll be referring to them later on in the story, the link's on Author's note chapter, and feel free to suggest songs! Thanks again ^.^))