Warning ⚠️
(As the chapter goes on her mood shifts to a darker, self hating side, if you get triggered with these things I suggest you not read the last parts)

(still) Day five

I walk into my hotel room and change into a comfortable pair of PJs before sitting down on the bed, with my laptop and a Harry Potter book.

I open my laptop and see that Dad is online, I facetime him right away. He answers on the second ring.

"Hi, dad!" I say and he shifts on his chair adjusting his glasses.

"Eleanor! I was waiting for your call," he says and I start to tell him about my day in short.

It was one of dad's rules, to either call or facetime him or Mom every day.

After a few minutes when Dad makes sure that I'm fine, we hang up.

I start googling places to see where should I go next or even tomorrow.

After writing down some of it, I put aside my laptop and begin reading Harry Potter, it's been years since the last time I read the whole series.

I'm lost in the world of wizarding when my phone's alarm goes off, signaling it's nine, time for dinner.

I hit the snooze button and climb off my bed and change into a pair of jeans and a blue t-shirt with a purple jacket- if I decide to go out for a walk.

I put my phone, headphones, and wallet in my bag pack before sliding it on my shoulder. I glance at my reflection in the mirror while putting on my watch, my hair is a mess but combing it would just make it worse. I push back my glasses, the dark circles under my eyes have subdued but it's still there.

I walk out of my room and slip my keycard into the pocket of my bag pack.

The elevator is already on my floor when I reach it. With a smile, I walk into it and press the first-floor button, the floor for restaurants. I lean back into the cold metallic wall of the elevator and my mind wanders off to how ridiculous this decision must look like. I start tapping my foot, the old lady who got in a few seconds before gives me an odd glance but I can't stop myself.

I'm in Geneva! I'm supposed to have fun, try different and new things... but instead, I'm falling into another loop.

The elevator stops on the first floor and I walk out but stand in the middle of the hallway.

I'm an adult!

With a deep breath, shaky as it might be, not allowing it to affect my determination, I make my way to the stairs and walk down.

I head out of the building, ignoring my steadily rising heartbeat and sweaty palms and the voices that keep screaming in my head that this a bad idea.

I focus on other things as I walk further away from the hotel, the structure of the road and the houses, the balconies that have various types of plants hanging from their rails.

I had read in books, saw its pictures that architecture of here is completely different from States, but it feels nice being able to see it for myself, with my own eyes.

I feel alive, or as alive as I can be.

Eventually, the nervousness melts away. The light breeze ruffles my hair as my hands are in my jeans pockets, strolling the streets. I allow myself to imagine that I'm a normal girl, living a normal life, and enjoying my own company.

Life isn't some fantasy or sci-fi story that abnormal would mean different appearances or strengths, in daily basis life, it just means the incapability of fitting in, not belonging to a place... and it's not a good thing.

There will be no Hagrids bursting out of a door saying you're a wizard, or a three-eyed raven making it's way to your dreams saying open your third eye and fly!

I walk into a nearby pub, again, something I've never done before.

It's starting to get frustrating, the long list of things that I haven't done, while others do it on a daily basis.

As I enter the place a warm air gushes out, embracing me in an instant. I don't recognize the smells, but it's cozy enough as I make my way to the far back corner of it, and sit in an empty booth.

The French I learned from my nanny comes in useful as I go through the menu, even though she was from Paris and the French used in France and in here is quite different. Not having much appetite, when the young waitress comes back, I order a medium-sized sandwich.

Soon the waitress leaves and I'm left alone with my thoughts in a dark corner of a crowded pub.

What was I thinking?

Why did I even think for a moment that traveling alone would fix anything?

Practically looking at it, I'm just doing and will be doing, all the things that I would've done if I was in New York.

This isn't going to fix me... this whole traveling thing won't miraculously transfer me into an interesting and somewhat cool person.

This is just going to make everything worse, a constant reminder of how truly alone I am.

I can't help but think I should've listened to Mom... instead of this madness, I should've just gone back to my Psychiatrist and maybe change the dosages of my pills.

I sigh and put my hand on the wooden table, and rest my forehead on my hand.

Eventually, I lean back into my chair and try to focus on anything to prevent drowning in my thoughts.

The soft music playing is unfamiliar and therefore a perfect distraction. I try to guess the instruments they have used, grasping the words, imagining a setup, a color, and then adding up the elements the singer drawls on about.

The waitress walks back to my table, with my food. She's pretty now that I'm looking, she could easily become a model or something. I wonder if she likes being a waitress or if she has to be. She places the food on my table and with a smile walks away.

I try to regain my lost appetite but it's useless. Nonetheless, I force myself to eat half of it before leaving a good amount of tip and get up and leave.

I put on my headphones, turn on my GPS, setting to lead me to the lake and then start playing my favorite playlist, that ranges from Linkin Park, Bring me the horizon to twenty-one pilots.

I shove away my thoughts and focus on the songs. The temperature drops as I get closer to the lake, I wrap my jacket tighter around myself, as I try to recall the details of the scientific reason that this happens.

I find an empty spot, with an amazing view of the lake.

I take in shallow and shaky breaths, I can feel the cool air entering my body, through my nostrils and filling my lungs. I welcome the cold.

That's all I do for a while, breathe.

The ripples caused by the breeze, the ships and cruises slightly moving, people tending to their own matters.

I wish I was still in college, at least back then I had something to occupy me, I didn't have time to spare and to allow myself to think about these things.

The none existent logic behind this choice becomes more prominent than ever.

I push back my glasses, its frame freezing. I swallow the lump in my throat and slowly allow my feeling and haunting thoughts resurface.

Why did I think that going to different places all alone would fix things? It's just pure pathetic and stupid.

All these travelers that go around the world, they always go around with someone, but I'm alone, just like always.

It's just so frustrating! All of it!

If I was alone here, I might have started screaming until my throat would hurt, feel the exhaustion of my vocal cords... but I'm not, so I dig my nails deeper into my palm.

Humans are a species with the specialty of being social and socializing. That's how being human works, it's all about being social and interacting with other people... something that I've never been able to do properly.

Why? Why do I have to be like this?

I tried... a lot!

The thought of always being alone might not sound like a big deal, but not ever being able to fit somewhere, always being an outcast, always having to suffer through the hateful, spiteful glares, or people who entirely ignore me as though I don't even exist... It's hard.

I thought, I hoped, this B.E. would be enough for me, that it would make me happy enough that I wouldn't care about these pathetic things but it's not! I was wrong! It's not.

Like an idiot, I believed that being the first in my college would give me a reason to be proud of myself and accept myself, but these are completely different things. Nothing can fill the other one's place.

I wish I was strong enough to get along with this life, to accept myself, to move past and above these clichés, social standards and description of how a person must be that our ancestors have made it to be a crucial part of our daily basis life... but I can't. I don't have the strength and capability of doing this.

I just want to be like other people. I just want to be normal, to think, see and live like everyone else.

I want my brain to work properly, to not produce these thoughts.

I feel the world closing in on me, pushing me down and down as the world itself gets bigger and bigger. The thoughts racking every cell in my body.

I can't ever be accepted for who I am... not even by myself and not even my parents. How can I expect that from anyone else?

I don't even matter to my own parents, I always tried to make them happy and proud of me but there was always either something missing, or it just wasn't important to them. I was like a dog desperately trying to please its owner to have a treat... my treat was their a second long attention. I was always like a trophy to them.

Apparently I didn't deserve their attention. I hate how all these things are important to me.

I hate the way I am, I hate who I am.

I don't even know what I'm doing with my life. I had a goal, thinking it would fix everything and now that it has ended I can see how wrong I was... and now I'm just lost, leaving me to feel like an error. Just like I always have been, a worthless being. A lost cause.

I don't know what I've done wrong, that has brought me to this day, but I can't help it and wonder whether I would ever be happy?

Do I not deserve to be happy?

The question lingers in my head for a while.

I sit there, just looking at the lake as the survival mechanism of my brain slowly starts to kick in by pushing these thoughts to the back of my head.

The sky turns dark purple and then a beautiful combination of orange, yellow, and bright blue as the sun makes its way up.

They say when you're in a dark place in your head, stuck in dark times it's hard to see the light... but what if that light doesn't exist? What if that so-called light only appears in some certain situations and only for a countable amount of times, leaving a vast majority of the dark places in complete darkness?

The sun is high up in the sky, the air is warming, the water twinkling under the sunlight.

I check my watch, it's 9:30 AM.

I need coffee. With that thought, I push myself up on my stiff legs and aching back, and make my way to the hotel.

I reach the building and go up the stairs and enter the hotel.

I close my eyes for a moment, pushing my hand through my messy curls while walking towards the elevator.

I open my eyes and before I can take another step someone bumps into me, making me lose balance and stumble.

The person's hand reaches out while saying "Shit, I'm so sorry," and looks up from his phone.

I don't need to look up at the source of the voice to know it's whose.

His eyes widen as it lands on me, "Shit," he mutters under his breath, "Eleanor!"

+++

((Honestly, I'm not very confident about this chapter so feel free to critique it so I can make it better. Anyway, I hope you enjoyed and thank you for reading it. If you liked it, don't forget to vote and comment your thoughts on Eleanor and anything.))