"I'm fine, and I will not go back to the psych ward." I firmly say, matching his determination and holding gaze.

He shakes his head, frustrating me further. "I'm not crazy!" I say as loud as I can without shouting.

He matches my tone as he answers, "You're not fine El,"

"Then how on Earth did I manage to graduate from Stanford?" I fire back.

He shrugs, replying with a much calmer tone "I still don't know how you did that,"

I open my mouth to say something back but I can't. I'm left there staring at him as words fail me again.

"I'm not going to stay with hopeless bipolar and schizophrenic people just because you think I'm not fine," I slowly say. After a long pause I add, "I'm not crazy,"

"I'm trying to do what's best for you,"

I want to argue back, that he's trying to do what he thinks it's the right thing... but this day has been such an awful, draining day that I just want him to leave and be over with it.

"I want you to get better, why don't you understand this?" he exasperatedly asks.

I stare at him blankly. Why doesn't he understand that these things don't help. It makes everything worse.

"I care about you, you're my sister. Avery hates us all for her own fucking reasons, you're the only family I have other than mom and dad." He pushes both his hands through his hair.

He's tired. It's written all over his face. Tired from the ten hours flight, but mostly from me.

I'm tired too. Turning, I plop down on the foot of the bed, looking outside of the window. Jet d'eau visible, piercing the sky.

Did he come all this way just to point out I'm not fine and I need help?

Frankly, that is crazy, not my actions.

"You know what hurts the most Ellie," he starts, breaking my chain of thoughts.

Not needing to see the frustration, pity, and hurt, I don't bother to look at him.

"Me, mom and dad care so much about you, and you don't even bother to try to fix yourself."

I don't bother to fix myself? I want to laugh at that.

I didn't see a point in trying to 'get fixed'. I stare at my fidgeting fingers, my heart thudding dully in my chest.

Is it me or is the oxygen of the room running out?

"You know what really hurts," he starts, his voice shaking, "that we never got you back after that night. My sister, Eleanor, died that night. And you're not her, you look like her but you're not her. Hell, you don't even look like her! Her eyes used to shine when she talked about things she loved, she used to bounce with excitement for all the geeky nerdy stuff. She was sarcastic, funny, and annoyingly stubborn." He stops and inhales sharply, "She was hopeful. That Eleanor never would've given up on us, on herself. She would've fought and found a way to fix everything, because that was what she was best at. You're not even her ghost."

My throat closes and I swallow the growing lump in it. For the past five years, I've avoided thinking about the person I was before that night, because it's too hard. Too painful.

I also want to point out that she technically did give up, and became who I am now.

"Why can't you see how much we care about you and love you? Can't you try for us?" he softly asks.

Finally, I force myself to look at him. And I was right about the expression I would see on his face. Sighing I drop my gaze to the ground.

He doesn't understand that I've given up on the treatments. I don't want my brain to function properly by a bunch of chemicals. I don't want to be reminded with every time that I take those pills, I'm not normal. That I won't be able to live without them. I took them for several years, if it was going to work, it would've by now. If this trip doesn't fix me, then nothing will and I can then give up wholly knowing I've tried everything. And I'll make sure to end it properly This time.

Theodor waits for a minute and after seeing I won't be saying anything he starts, "Why do you have to be so selfish?" His words cut through the space between us. They cut me.

I'm not selfish. Or at least I don't think I am. I try not to be.

Am I selfish?

I know he cares about me, and even mom and dad but these are just words. They are all just words and never action.

"I came all this way just to see you, isn't that enough to show you we want, I want, you to be fine and normal. What do I have to do to make you start the treatment again?"

Glancing at him, by the looks of it he has made his mind.

I want to point out that I do understand that he cares for me, mom and dad too. But that's not the problem, it's the way they express it. And most importantly, I'm the problem, not them.

But if he actually cared about me, he shouldn't have shown up here. Not after all those texts I sent him literally begging him not to come. I know he thinks what I'm doing is wrong, but just because he can't understand it, it doesn't make me wrong. If he really cares he would've tried to understand, instead of threatening me to send me off to another psychiatric hospital. He would've put a free time aside to try to understand why I don't want to go there, why I hate it there. It's just basically a confirmation that I'm a freak, that's why I tried to get over the therapy as soon as I could. But he never bothered to ask.

In my eyes, he thinks he cares about me. He knows siblings are supposed to care for each other and that's what he's trying to do. He does all the things he finds necessary, and thinks it indicates caring -including coming here- just so he can easily live in the illusion of believing he's a good and caring brother.

"Say something! Anything!" he exasperatedly says.

I blankly stare at him for a moment, "What do you want me to say?" I slowly ask.

"An answer maybe? What you're thinking. Anything!"

I stare outside again. "You think you can handle the truth? What I think of this whole situation?" momentarily I glance at him.

Theodor rolls his eyes, "Cut the shit El, get to the point." He crosses his arms in front of his chest, shifts his weight from one foot to the other.

"Okay," I inhale sharply and fix my gaze on his face, "this is what I think, if you actually really cared about me you would've listened to me. You would've given a damn about what I think and feel instead of doing something that you think is the right thing to do. Did you ever consider how embarrassed I would feel if my older brother showed up to check on me?" He blankly stares at me so I add, "For fuck's sake I'm twenty one years old!" I incredulously look at him.

He opens and closes his mouth a couple of times before finally saying with irritation, "That's all you can see right now?"

"No, I can also see, how you've ridden a ten hours flight just to come here and tell me I'm crazy and I need to go to a mental asylum, but you couldn't come to my graduation because apparently that's not an important thing at all, and it wasn't from Harvard which makes it even more worthless for you. Not to mention, showing up to your sister's graduation doesn't give the reassurance of being a good brother and doesn't help you with staying in the illusion of it. But going overseas to embarrass her, does give you the illusion of it and helps you stay in it with higher confidence. You're a college graduate yourself, but still planned your engagement in the middle of my exams, did you forget my existence? Or you just wanted to give the title of a bad sister to me too?" I pause, take a deep breath to calm my racing heart, hoping my hands stop shaking.

Theodor looks like I've punched him. I know he couldn't take it, not in a good way at least. I hate that I'm hurting him, but he asked me to tell him my thoughts and I think he should know.

I'm an awful sister.

Pushing my hand through my short curly hair I continue, "What I'm trying to say is, you do all the things that you find convenient to uphold the illusion of being a caring brother for yourself, without actually caring what I want. So if one day I do happen to die, you can hold on to this illusion that you did everything but she's the bad guy because she didn't care to try. That's what I think."

"I never thought those things are important to you. You could have asked me, told me to come! I never thought you cared." He defensively says.

I shrug and look away.

The problem is, if you ask someone to do something for you, especially things like these, it loses its value.

"Would've made a difference if I did?" I slowly ask and after a prolonged pause add, "I don't think so,"

The truth is, I tried for such a long time to convince myself that I don't care. In my high school graduation day, none of my family members were present while everyone else's was. I was there with Frank, my dad's driver, or at this point, it's better to say our family driver. I know if Frank could somehow get to California, he would've been there for my college graduation too. I tried to tell myself that I'm being irrational, ridiculous, and even childish but still deep down it hurt that no one cared to come.

"I-I thought I'll see you a day after graduation so it won't be a big deal," he mumbles.

We all showed up at Theo's graduations, high school, and college. That's why I don't expect him to understand what I've felt.

You can't know the extent of someone's feelings in specific circumstances until you've experienced them yourself.

"It's in the past now," I offer, I don't want him to feel bad about it now.

"Then why did you say that?" he demands.

I shrug, "I'm not saying you're a bad brother or you don't care, just the way you show that you care sometimes isn't the way that I can appreciate,"

Theo narrows his eyes, "Don't play with words El," he says after a long pause. "And none of this is going to change my mind about sending you to a hospital, it's for your own good,"

Oh my god!

I hardly hold myself from groaning.

A moment later I say, "If you want to continue calling me crazy then you should just leave,"

"So now you're throwing me out of the room?" He asks loudly with sudden annoyance. Scoffing he adds, "Convenient, after your word manipulation didn't work you're throwing me out, very well played Eleanor,"

I gape at him, word manipulation!

That's why I never talk.

"Get out Theodor," I try to say as firmly as I can but unfortunately it doesn't go that way.

"Fine! If you want to do it the hard way then fine. I'll call dad and he'll bring you back home,"

"Just leave," I weakly mumble, wrapping my arms around myself and stare at the too-bright blue sky.

"I'm trying to understand you, but you're giving me no choice!" He exasperatedly says.

I'm the one at fault, as usual.

I'm the one who everyone should despise, because of how awful I am.

"Why do you have to be so selfish? Why can't you just care about us for once!"

I dig my nails into my upper arms to stop their trembling, my heart thudding in my chest, its sound echoing in my skull. Standing up from the bed I say as strongly as I can, "Get out Theodor,"

"I will not let you do this your way again. You're wrong," He starts, his voice getting louder with each word, "you're ill, and you need help," until shouts the last part.

A knock interrupts us. Theo looks at me in a way as if saying we're not done yet, and then makes his way to the door.

"I will not let you push me into doing the things I don't want to do," I loudly say to his back and after moment add, "I'm not crazy!"

I'm not crazy.

I'm not ill.

I'm not going back to that hell hole of a psych ward.

"I'm trying to do what is right for you!" He shouts.

I turn around and walk to the nightstand next to my bed then hear him open the door.

"Adrien," I hear Theodor say with surprise.

I hope he didn't hear us.

"Sorry, bad timing?" he awkwardly asks.

Oh, great.

"No, not at all," Theo says back.

"Uhm... well, w-we were heading out for lunch... and thought maybe y-you guys wanted to join?" Adrien asks, sounding unsure.

"Yeah, that would be great! Thanks, we'll be down in a minute." Theodor replies.

And a moment later I hear the door shut.

"I'm not hungry," I flatly state as I down my pills.

Without waiting for his answer, I pick up my laptop and Harry Potter book and walk over to the glass door. Unlocking and sliding it open, I step into the balcony and shut the door behind myself.

***

We step out of the elevator side by side, neither of us saying a word.

I think Adrien, Arianna, and Dylan figured something has happened between me and Theodor, especially when I didn't show up for lunch.

Even now that Theo, Adrien and I are walking towards the door leading outside the hotel's building, I'm guessing Adrien can sense we're not on good terms. Him occasionally glancing between Theo and I only confirms this.

We step outside and Theo's cab is already waiting for him.

The cool breeze brushes my exposed arms, I lightly wrap my arms around myself.

"It was great seeing you again," Theodor looks at Adrien and they shake hands.

Adrien returns his smile, replying, "Likewise,"

Theodor turns to me, takes a step forward to hug me but I take a step back and look away, "Bye," I flatly say.

He heaves a sigh and out of the corner of my eye, I see him shake his head. Putting one hand on my shoulder he says, "Take care of yourself, and call me if you need anything,"

I nod my head.

With a final nod towards Adrien, he walks down the steps and gets into his cab.

As the cab goes away Adrien speaks up, "I wouldn't have done that if I were you,"

We turn around and walk into the hotel's lobby.

I want to point out that his brother has passed away, so it's only natural that he thinks what I'm doing is wrong, especially considering how Jace died. But it's not like anything is going to happen to Theo.

"You know it's not too late, you can call him, ask him to stop or turn around," he suggests as we near the elevator.

I close my eyes and take a deep breath, "I'm sorry but I'm really tired and I just want to go to my room," I say.

I hope he understands what I'm trying to say is I don't have it in me to put up with him too.

He nods his head and opens his mouth to say something but before he gets the chance I add, "I won't be coming for dinner, I'll see at four-thirty," and step inside of the elevator.

+++

((They are finally leaving Geneva! what do you think about everything that has happened so far? What are your thoughts on the characters? And who's your favorite so far?

Thanks for reading!))