Tsukishima thinks hes going mad.

He sees her standing with his mother as she bustles about the kitchen, tasted the way she cooks in his scrambled eggs breakfast, hears the way she lightly hums under her breath as he walks to school- despite his earphones, feels the way she would pat his back before they split ways into their own classes-

Yeah, you get it.

Classes are a blur, and somewhat boring. Hes gone through the material for todays lesson the night before, but his mind, a turmoil of emotions and disarrayed thoughts, rejected all information that he had just given up and gone to bed.

Although honestly, has there been a day since then when he could sleep in peace?

He finds himself staring out of the window as the teacher drones on about something about geometry. The leaves sway in the morning zephyr, lush green turning shades of gold, rust and copper, whispers of autumn creeping in to overtake sweltering summer. Like how those summer green eyes turned away for the last time, shadowed by autumn-shaded tresses, and finally, leaving him alone with winter frost that gripped his heart and carve a hole in his chest.

Not as pretty as her auburn, he catches that fleeting thought, and screws up his nose to sulk. He hates it when he gets sappy (as he has been recently), not that hell ever say them out loud. Not that he will ever get to say them anyway, he then bitterly thinks.

Just then, he glimpses familiar auburn beneath one of the trees. He darts his gaze; his heart pounds in his ears.

A female student in white gym shirt stands there, calling out to someone, before jogging away.

He almost slump down in his seat. He resorts to just a silent sigh before picking up his pencil and scribbling random notes. Disappointment churns in his stomach; frustration chews at the dark recesses of his mind, but he shoves them all down with maths, history, then physics.

As soon as the last school bell chimes, he darts out of the classroom, unable to stay put any longer.

Disbelief flashes across Daichis face when he arrives at the gym first. He greets his captain, to which the man grins. Class ended early for you today? Yamaguchis not with you either.

yes, is all that rolls of his tongue. The green-haired teen will usually be the one to pop up by his classroom, but he briefly recalls him having to stay back a little for lab, so he doesnt bother. He wants to move, to rid of the bristling restlessness in his limbs all day. He doesnt even bother with the familiar- and annoying- shriek of a certain tangerine energy ball: Tsukishima beat us to the gym!

Hes drowning, and the only way he knows to stay on the surface is to keep moving.

Volleyball practice goes worse than he thinks. There are times he zones out, missing a ball or failing a block. He almost gets smacked in the face once even. Ukai chides at him, but he doesnt miss the lingering sympathetic glance before the coach turns his attention away. Even Sugawara approaches him at one point to ask if he would like to sit out for a bit. He waves him away and runs his next drill, running from the hollowness that threatens to swallow him if he stops.

11 weeks, hes still running.

However, he knows, he might as well be running after a ghost. For no matter how long he runs, she is always further.

Fiery crimson and tangerine streak the infinite skies by the time he steps out of the gymnasium. Before he sets to leave, someone smacks him on the back, hard. The grinning face of Tanaka fills his vision.

Dont mind, Tsukki. Next practice will be better. He is as robust as ever. He merely nods. Of course, they know. But not all.

He drags himself home. With the other rowdy first years tagging along (they had insisted), he finds it hard to sink into his own thoughts. While it keeps him distracted, it doesnt stop the wave of migraine that comes as Hinatas high pitched voice rings in his ears even after they part ways. Yamaguchi is more silent, but he knows his friend is always watching, so he tightens his grip on his façade.

His mother greets him home with dinner, the aroma of herb soup, butter chicken and steamed rice tickling his senses. Akiteru pops out from the kitchen with a smile, cheerfully greeting him. They have dinner together as usual, the meal tastes great, hes starving from training. He watches the people who she used to call family as they dig in without a care in the world.

He doubts they remember. He may as well be the only one who does.

Unable to stay in their presence any longer, he finishes quickly, and disappears into his room.

He carries out his routine on autopilot. A bath, study, a little tidying up, and hes in bed by half past eleven. And despite the fatigue that weighs his limbs, he cant sleep.

In the darkness of his room, the emotions hes bottled up the whole day uncaps and consumes him. All his mind can think of is her. The all too familiar loneliness sink their fangs into him, dragging him to the edge of the chasm. His chest throbs at every beat of his heart. Every inhalation feels like hes taking a dagger deeper into his lungs. Every time he closes his eyes, the memory of her, defeated and fragmented, but still as stunning as ever, is imprinted behind his eyelids.

So this is to be heart broken, he almost laughs out loud at himself. Is this what she used to feel every night, when demons invade her sleep, and her own mind haunts her soul? But he knows, this pain will never be the same as the soul-breaking trauma shed gone through. At least, if he selfishly thinks, this is a small part of pain he can help her carry.

He yearns to have her back in his arms, even as her fragments pierce into him. Hed rather ache with her than ache for her.

His hand reaches for his phone on the nightstand. The luminesce screen blinds him temporary, but his thumb never misses the contact he hasnt clicked for what seems like forever.

レイ

どこにいる。

会いたい。

He deletes it.

これを受けるのか、受けないのか　分からない。

もう幸せの?

お誕生日おめでとう。

_________________________________________

Definitely not rushed. Or rusty. :')

Happy birthday aeonial, for being there all these years. May you have a blast today and a blessed year ahead. <3

Ps:helpmecheckjaptq

12/2/2022      12.31am