Everything has been to much. Quite literally. Avni knew deep down she had feelings for Neil, no matter how hard she was trying to deny shit, she knew...she knew she was fucked up in the worst way possible. Falling in love was never on her radar, things just happened, maybe at the wrong time but they had happened. She remembered the series of events that had happened between them two after they met, the eye contact, the fucking eye contact, the thing that killed her every single day, his damn eyes, the way he would look at her in amazement and she could sometimes see that teeny-tiny bit of something more, she liked it even though she told herself she hated it, it was like an intimate moment between them without words but somehow they spoke more through their eyes. He was able to read her well. Well enough to stop her from doing something stupid. But that was back then. Times had changed. Or had they?? She knew deep down why she was doing what she was doing. She wanted to hurt him. She wanted him to feel all the things that she felt by not being with him. She was jealous, low and behold. She hated seeing him so happy to an extent. She had seen him interacting with one of his Ex's, it hurt. She heard that they spoke everyday and slowly it was killing her. She wanted to give up. And she was so close to. Every time her friends or Neela would try and talk to her she would flat out deny everything, deep down her friends and Neela knew that she did, they could see it, and Avni could too. She was scared. Of multiple things. Its hard to give someone a second chance but to admit that you feel something for someone who might not be interested in you is harder. No matter what your friends say about his behaviour around you there is always that fear and that nagging voice saying 'no don't be stupid why would he go for a girl like you.' 

Avni sat there, she was avoiding him, she felt bad to an extent but she wanted to get rid of her feelings, she wanted to go back in time and teach herself not to give a shit but she couldn't no matter how hard she tried, she cared. She chuckled lightly to herself remembering the incident last week, he had told the entire family that he had some business to take care off, she saw him take a knife with him and she had texted him, trying to talk him out of doing something stupid even if he was a police officer, her heart was restless, they spoke till around two in the morning but did she get any sleep...no. In fact despite not having any trust in God she went to pray for his safety...because she cared. She knew she liked him or was possibly in love with him again but for her own safety she was guarding her heart with walls so thick no one was able to break them. It sucked to have to share him with his Ex, Sharon. That was her name. Little bitch. She was giving up and the last thing she wanted was to sound and look desperate, she kept telling herself push him away but talking to him....she became vulnerable...they had banter and gosh....it was a warm feeling. 

Avni knew that from the first day she met him, he had an impact on her, she was so set on trying to hate him that she doesn't even remember the first time she began to think of him...differently. it hurt. it hurts so fucking much, to want something so bad but to know that deep down it can't happen. Why does love hurt? If its the best feeling in the world...if its the one thing that can clam down a storm...than why? She was so lost. She was lost in her own feelings, she wanted the thing that she couldn't have. How fucked up is that?? On a level. Ali tried talking some sense into her saying that Neil talking to that bitch everyday doesn't mean he likes  her...it got to her so much she asked...asked him twice actually...and both times she was told no...but she didn't know what to believe. What would you believe if you were in this position?One of her best friends actually slapped her and said ' Girl. Stop. if he's said he don't then he clearly doesn't' Avni's immediate response was 'What if he's lying?' Exactly. What if... Why were guys born to be so confusing...is it just me thinking this or what? Avni kept telling herself she has lost it mentally.She was confused and he was confusing her even more....Answer this: if a guy stays up past midnight talking to you till like 3 in the morning about family, marriage,divorce, pain, friends- Does it mean anything?? Does it mean that he might....no.....not possible but deep down Avni's brain kept replaying.. well what if.... , She felt so stupid texting him only to be blanked for an hour bust so ecstatic when he replied and carried on a conversation.

 How is it possible that one guy is capable of making you feel so many emotions in one go? She wanted to hate him, she told DD, Ali, Aman, Rhea, Abeer and Ashok that she hated him but they just gave her the 'shut the fuck up, no you don't' look.  Did she not deserve to be happy? why is it boys fall for the wrong girls...Neil told Avni it was because they weren't willing to look harder to find the right girl. All Avni could do was laugh at her fate. She prayed. Everyday. For him. it seems like a waste she kept telling herself to stop but she didn't know how to. She would sit with her legs up, headphones in and somehow end up on google looking at quotes that fucked up her life even more. Was life ever gonna be straight forward?  She wished that God would just give her sign to tell her whether the wait was worth it or just fast forward her life to see...to see if he was still there. Nothing was guaranteed and she hated it. She wanted a sign from him;she was waiting in his love only to be destroyed every single time...this is why she didn't want to tell people....she didn't want the pitiful looks when shit goes down because it always does. She prayed. She lived. She breathed. She got up in the morning for him .....only for him.  Sometimes she wished she was a mind reader so she could see what he thought of her or if he thought of her at all. 

Why was love so painful?? i blame the fucked up stories and films...they give you this perfect situation where everyone is happy but the truth is that there are demons everywhere even in love... what is called the purest emotion....has the capability to destroy everything with one simple touch. ironic. Cue eye roll. She has this problem of wanting to take everyone's pain away...she doesn't want them to be like her...and she sees him, she sees the pain....she sees him and she wants to save him, she doesn't know why.. she tells herself there is no reason and that she'd do the same thing for anyone in pain but the difference is, is that she has gotten attached...she care's to fucking much. And it will be the death of her. She's trying so hard to save everyone that she's forgetting about herself , she's forgetting that at the end of the day she needs someone to catch her when shes down but she doesn't let anyone close enough. Life was never gonna be a simple straight route, there's a load of bumps and sometimes you end up breaking down, its whether you have the strength to get back in place your hands on the steering wheel and carry on. Turing back in love is not an option...you can't do a U- turn and expect to get out...unfortunately that is the worst part.  

She felt like she was falling off a cliff, and He was at the bottom ready to catch her but she holding on to part of the cliff telling her arms not to give up on her, not wanting to end up in his embrace cause of that slight chance that he wouldn't catch her, she wasn't a damsel in distress, she liked to work through her own shit and was independent person who could damn well create a storm to fight what she believed in. She fighting against this feeling, but she's slipping further, she's trying so hard but she knows the truth....she doesn't need him to catch her, she just wants a fucking sign.. And she will happily fall...(maybe) is it too much to ask for? If a guy can make you feel like this he can fucking explain himself too. But thats the fact there are too many possibilities to one situation...A situation that could be a fragment of your imagination or simply you just reading too much into it. 

She was tired of fighting...she was tired and quite frankly fed up... But the best thing to do was to keep her mouth shut... she didn't want him to find out. She didn't want to be forced to explain herself to him or a sense of awkwardness...so she was doing the next best thing burying her feelings...feelings only she had a right to know about. She wanted to tell people but she couldn't risk it. She couldn't...She was strong...A born fighter but everyone has their fears and her fear is love. As horrible as it may sound that the fact: Love maybe seen as a powerful weapon but it is a weapon and sometimes that same weapon is struck straight at your heart by the person you.... the person you....

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Author's note:

HI guys, i'm back for now school is too much with work and exams almost every term..when you think u have a break u actually don't but i suppose its only gonna get worse. So Naamkaran has gone through a jail track which i was a bit apprehensive about but its been given justice in its own way the only thing that pissed me off was how chill Avni is about the whole thing...i can hand on heart say if my fucking husband did that i'd be going after him with a cricket bat and properly make him realise what he screwed up but hey.. that's me. So ummm...This chapter is really special to me...it's one the longest chapter of this book and two its kind reflecting the situation i'm going through...i don't even know how it ended up being partly about me and this guy but it is...i'm soooooooooo confused and that's partly the reason why updates haven't been frequent.. Is anyone going through something similar?? Anyone have any advice??? Because i swear to God when i say i don't know what's wrong with me anymore. Also i think it will be fun if i ask which bits do u think are about me and this asshole i'm unfortunately talking about. 

But on a serious note....i thank you all from the bottom of my heart... i have seen some comments and haven't had the time to reply but i have seen them and if i haven't replied to them individually- Thank u so much- its because of people like u that i write the way i do so thanks and thanks for your patience with me as well, u guys have been beyond understanding and seriously i love each and everyone of u for it. I love u allllllllllll. AND a final Thank u for now. Don't forget to comment and vote as welll............................