Nine days.

Nine days have went by without speaking to Tessa. I didn't think it was possible for me to go a single day without speaking to her, let alone nine fucking days. It feels like one thousand and each second hurts more than the prior.

When she left the apartment that night I waited and waited to hear her footsteps rush through the door and I waited for her voice to begin screaming at me. It didn't come. I sat on the floor waiting and waiting. It never came, she never came.

I finished the beer in my fridge and smashed the evidence against the wall. The next morning when I woke up and she was still gone, I packed my shit. I packed a bag and got on a plane to get the fuck out of Washington. If she was going to come back it would have been that night. I needed to get out of there and get some space. With alcohol on my breath and stains on my white t-shirt, I left for the airport. I didn't call my mum before I got there it's not that she had anything going on anyway.

If Tessa calls me before I get on the flight I will turn around but if not then too bad, I kept thinking. She had her chance to come back to me. She does every other time, no matter what I do so why is this time so different? It's not like I did anything really, I lied to her but it was a small ass lie and she overreacted.

If anyone should be pissed off it's me. She brought Zed to my fucking house to pack her shit. On top of that Landon comes barging in like the fucking Hulk and slams me into the wall? What the actual fuck.

This whole situation is utterly fucked up and it's not my fault. Well maybe it is but she can come crawling back to me, not the other way around. I love her but I'm not making the first move.

Day one was spent mostly on the airplane sleeping off my hangover. I got many dirty looks from snobby ass flight attendants and assholes in business suits but I could give a fuck less. They don't mean shit to me. I took a cab to my mum's and nearly choked the driver. Who charges that much for a fucking ten mile cab ride?

My mum was shocked and happy to see me. She cried for a few minutes but thankfully she stopped when Robin appeared. Apparently the two of them have began to move her things into his house and she plans on selling her house just next door. I don't give a shit about that house so it's no skin off my back. That house is full of shit memories with my drunk asshole of a dad.

It's nice to be able to think these things without Tessa's influence. I would feel slightly guilty being rude to my mum and her boyfriend if Tessa were here with me. Thank god she isn't.

Day two was exhausting as shit. I spent the entire afternoon listening to my mum talk about her plans for the summer and dodged her questions of why I am home. I kept telling her if I wanted to talk about it I would. I came here for some god damn peace and all I get is more annoyance. I end up at the pub down the street by eight.  A pretty brunette with the same color eyes as Tessa smiled at me and offered me a drink that night. I declined somewhat politely, my kindness only coming out because the color of her eyes. The longer I stared at them the more I realized they aren't the same as Tessa's. They are dull and hold no life behind them. Tessa's eyes are the most intriguing shade of grey that appears blue at first glance until you really look at them. They are nice, as far as eyes go. Why the fuck was I sitting at a pub thinking about eyeballs? Fuck. 

I saw the disappointment in my mum's eyes when I stumbled through the door after two in the morning but I did my best to ignore it, mumbling a shit apology before forcing my way up the stairs.

Day three was when it started. Small thoughts of Tessa kept sneaking in at the most random times. While watching my mum hand-wash the dishes, I thought of Tessa loading the dishwasher constantly, making sure there is never a single dirty dish lying in the sink.

"We are going to the fair today, would you like to come?" My mum asked.

"No."

"Please Hardin, you are here visiting and you have barely spoken to me nor spent any time with me."

"No mum." I dismiss her.

"I know why you are here." She said and I got up from the table and stormed out of the kitchen.

I knew she would catch on that I was running, hiding really from reality. I'm not sure what type of reality there is without Tessa but I'm not ready to deal with the shit so why does she have to pester me about it? If Tessa doesn't want to be with me then to hell with her. I don't need her, I am better off alone, the way I had planned to be all along.

Seconds later my phone rang but ignored the call as soon as I saw her name. Why did she call me? To tell me she hates me or she needs her name off the lease, I was sure.

God damn it Hardin, why did you do that? I kept asking myself. I didn't have a good enough answer.

Day four began the worst way possible.

"Hardin go upstairs!" She is begging. No not this again.

One of the men slap her across her face and she looks at the staircase, her eyes meet mine and I scream.

Tessa.

"Hardin!! Wake up Hardin! Please wake up!" My mum screamed and shook me awake.

"Where is she? Where's Tess?" I choked, sweat soaking my skin. 

"She isn't here Hardin."

"But they..." It took me a moment to collect my thoughts and realize it was only a nightmare.

The same nightmare I have had my entire life, only this time was so much worse. My mother's face was replaced with Tessa's.

"Shh.. it's okay. It was only a dream." My mum cried and tried to hug me but I gently pushed her arms back.

"No, I'm fine." I assured her and told her to leave me alone.

I lay awake for the rest of the night trying to get the image out of my head but couldn't.

Day four continued just as it started. My mum ignored me all day which I thought I would want but turns out I was sort of..lonely. I began to miss Tessa. I kept finding myself looking next to me to talk to her, to wait for her to say something that was sure to make me smile. I wanted to call her, my finger traced over that green button over one hundred times but I couldn't bring myself to. I can't give her what she wants and that isn't going to be good enough for her. It's better this way. I spent the afternoon looking up how much it would cost me to move my shit back here to England. This is where I will end up anyway so I may as well get it over with and do it now.

We would never work, I always knew we wouldn't last. We couldn't. It wasn't possible for us to be together always. She is too damn good for me and I know it. Everyone knows it. I see the way people turn to stare at us everywhere we go and I know they are wondering why that beautiful girl is with me.

I had been staring at my phone while downing a half bottle of whiskey for hours before I turned off the light and fell asleep. I thought I heard the buzzing of my phone on the nightstand but I was too drunk to sit up and answer. The nightmare came again, this time Tessa's nightgown was soaked in blood and she cried for me to go away, to leave her there on that couch.

Day five I woke up to a flashing red light on my phone indicating that yet again I missed her call only this time wasn't intentional. Day five was when I stared at her name on the screen before looking at picture after picture of her. When did I take so many? I hadn't realized how many pictures I have snapped without her paying any mind.

While looking through the pictures I kept remembering the way her voice sounds. I never liked American accents, they bore me and they are annoying but Tessa's voice is perfect. Her accent is perfect and I could listen to her speak all day, every single day. Will I ever hear her voice again?

This one is my favorite, I thought at least ten times while looking through them. I finally settled on a picture of her laying on her stomach on the bed, her legs crossed in the air and her hair was down, tucked behind her ear. She had her chin rested on one of her hands and her lips slightly parted as she took in the words in front of her on the screen of her nook. I snapped the picture the moment she caught me staring, the exact moment that a smile, the most beautiful smile, appeared on her face. She looked so happy to be looking at me in this picture. Does..well did she always look at me that way?

That day, day five is when the weight appeared on my chest. A constant reminder of what I have done, and most likely lost. I should have called her that day while staring at her pictures. Did she stare at my pictures? She only has one to this day and ironically I found myself wishing I would have allowed her to take more. Day five was when I threw my phone against the wall in hopes to smash it but only cracked the screen. Day five is when I desperately wished she would call me. If she called me then it would be okay, everything would be okay. We would both apologize and I would go home.

If she was the one to call me then I can't feel guilty for coming back into her life. I wondered if she was feeling the same way I was. Is every day getting harder for her? Does every second without me make it harder for her to breathe?

I began to lose my appetite this day, I just wasn't hungry. I missed her cooking, even her simple meals that she would make for me. Hell, I missed watching her eat. I missed every god damn thing about that infuriating girl with kind eyes.

Day five was the day that I finally broke down. I cried like a bitch and didn't even feel bad about it. I cried and cried. I couldn't stop. I tried desperately but she wouldn't leave my mind. She wouldn't leave me alone, she kept appearing, she kept saying she loved me, and she kept hugging me, and when I realized it was my imagination, I cried again.

Day six I woke with swollen and bloodshot eyes. I couldn't believe the way I broke down the previous night. The weight on my chest had magnified and I could barely see straight. Why am I such a fuck up? Why did I continue to treat her like shit? She is the first person who has ever been able to see me, inside of me, the real me and I treated her like shit. I blame her for everything when in reality it was me. It was always me, even when I wasn't doing anything wrong, I was. I was rude to her when she tried to talk to me about things, I yelled at her when she called me out on my bullshit, and I lied to her repeatedly. She has forgiven me for everything, always. I could always count on that and maybe that's why I treated her the way I did, because I knew I could. I smashed my phone under my boot on day six.

Day six I went half the day without eating again, my mum offered me oatmeal but when I tried to force myself to eat it, it nearly came back up. I hadn't showered since day three and I was a fucking wreck. I tried to listen as my mum told me the few things she needed me to get from the store but I couldn't hear her. All I could think of was Tessa and her need to go to Conner's at least five days a week.

Tessa once told me I ruined her, now as I sit here trying to focus, trying to just catch my breath, I know that she was wrong. She ruined me. She got inside me and fucked me up. I had spent years building those walls, my entire life really and here she came in and tore them down, leaving me with nothing but rubble.

"Did you hear me Hardin? I made a small list in case you didn't." My mum said, handing me the paper printed with paw prints.

"Yes." My voice was barely audible.

"Are you sure you are okay to go?" She asked.

"Yeah, I'm good." I stand up and tuck the list into my dirty jeans.

"I heard you last night Hardin, if you want to.."

"Don't mum. Please don't." I nearly choked on my words. My mouth was so dry and my throat was aching.

"Okay." Her eyes were full of sadness as I walked out of the house to head to the store just down the road.

The list only consisted of a few items yet I couldn't remember any of them without digging the damn paper out of my pocket.

I managed to corral the few things, bread, jam, coffee beans, and some fruit. Looking at all the food in the store made my empty stomach turn. I took an apple for myself and began to force myself to eat it. It tasted like cardboard and I could feel the small pieces hitting the pit on my stomach as I paid the elderly woman behind the counter.

I walked outside and it began to snow. The snow made me think of her too. Everything made me think of her. My head was aching with a headache that refused to go. I rubbed my fingers over my temples with my free hand and crossed the street.

"Hardin? Hardin Scott?" A voice called from the other side of the street.

No. It couldn't be.

"Is that you?" She asked again.

Natalie.

This couldn't be happening, I kept thinking as she walked towards me with her hands full of shopping bags.

"Erm.. hey." Is all I could say, my mind was frantic, my palms already beginning to sweat.

"I thought you moved?" She asked.

Her eyes were bright, not lifeless like I remembered as she cried and begged for me to let her stay at my house when she had no where to go.

"I did.. I'm only visiting." I told her and she sat her bags on the sidewalk.

"Well that's good." She smiles.

How could she be smiling at me after what I had done to her?

"Uh.. yeah. How are you?" I forced myself to ask the girl who's life I ruined.

"I'm good, really good." She chirped and ran her hands over her swollen belly.

Swollen belly? Oh god. No wait.. the timeline doesn't add up. Holy shit that scared me for a second.

"You're pregnant?" I asked, hoping that she was so I hadn't just insulted her.

"Yeah, six months along. And engaged!" She smiled, holding her small hand up to show me a gold ring on her finger.

"Oh."

"Yeah, it's funny how things work out isn't it?" She tucked her brown hair behind her ear and looked into my eyes that were circled with blue rings from lack of sleep.

Her voice was so sweet that it made me feel a thousand times worse. I couldn't stop picturing her face as she caught all of us watching her on the small screen. She screamed, literally screamed and ran from the room. I didn't follow her of course. I just laughed at her, laughed at her humiliation and her pain.

'"I'm really sorry." I blurted.

I expected her to call me names, to tell me how fucked up of a person I am, to punch me even. What I didn't expect was for her to wrap her arms around me and tell me she forgives me.

"How can you forgive me? I was so fucked up. I ruined your life." I said, my eyes were burning.

"You didn't, well you did at first but I should thank you actually." She said and I nearly vomited on her green sweater.

"What?"

"After you.. well you know.. I had nowhere to go so I found a church, a new church since mine exiled me and that's where I met Elijah." Her face instantly lit up at the mention of his name.

"And now here we are nearly three years later, engaged and expecting. Everything happens for a reason I guess? Sounds cheesy huh?" She giggled.

She was always such a sweet girl, I just didn't give a shit. Her kindness made it easier to prey on her.

"I suppose it does, but I'm really glad you found someone. I have been thinking about you lately.. you know what I did and I felt like shit about it. I know you're happy now but that doesn't excuse what I did to you. It wasn't until Tessa that I ..." I cut myself off.

"Tessa?" She questioned and I nearly passed out from the pain.

"She's uhmm.. well.. she's.." I stutter.

"She's what? Your wife?" Natalie's words cut straight to the core as she searched my fingers for a band.

"No, she was.. she was my girlfriend."

"Oh. So you date now?" She half teased, she could sense my pain I was sure.

"No.. well only her."

"I see. And now you're not?"

"Nope." I brought my fingers to my lip ring.

"Well I'm sorry to hear that. I hope things work out for you, the way they have me." She said.

"Thank you. Congratulations on the engagement and.. baby." I said uncomfortably.

"Thank you! We expect to marry this summer."

"So soon?"

"We've been engaged for two years." She laughs.

"Wow."

"It was fast, soon after we met." Natalie explains.

"Aren't you too young?" I felt like an asshole for saying that as soon as the words left my mouth but she just smiled.

"I'm nearly twenty-one and it doesn't make sense to wait. I have been fortunate enough to find the one I want to spend my life with at a young age, why waste anymore time when he is right in front of me asking that I do just that. I am honored that he wants to make me his wife, there is no greater expression of love than that." As she explained her words came to me in Tessa's voice.

"I guess you're right." I told her and she smiled.

"Oh, there he is! I have to go. I'm freezing and pregnant, not a good combination." She laughed before picking her bags up off the sidewalk and greeting a man in a sweater vest and khakis. His smile when seeing his pregnant fiancé was so bright that I swore it lit up that dreary day in England.

Day seven was long. Every day has been long. I kept thinking of Natalie and her forgiveness, it couldn't have come at a better time. Sure, I looked like hell and she knew it but she was happy and in love. Pregnant at that. I didn't ruin her life the way I thought I had and I thank God for that.

Day seven I spent in bed. I couldn't even bring myself to open the damned blinds. My mum and Robin were out all day so I was left alone to sulk in my misery.

Each day got worse. I constantly thought about what she was doing, who she was with. Was she crying? Was she lonely? Had she returned to our apartment to find me? Why hadn't she called me again?

This isn't the pain I had read about in novels. This pain isn't just in my mind, this pain isn't physical. This is a soul aching pain, a pain that is ripping me apart from the inside out and I don't think I can survive it. No one could.

This must be how Tessa feels when I hurt her. I can't imagine her fragile body withholding this type of pain but she is stronger than she appears. She has to be to put up with me. Her mum once told me that if I really cared about her I would leave her alone, I would hurt her anyway, she said.

She was right. I should have left her alone then. I should have left her alone from that first day she walked into that dorm room. I promised myself that I would rather die than hurt her again.. this is what this is. This is dying, this is worse than dying. It hurts worse. It has to.

I spent day eight drinking, the entire day. I couldn't stop. With each drink I prayed that her face would leave my mind but it wouldn't. It couldn't.

You have to get your shit together Hardin. You have to. I have to. I really do.

"Hardin.." Tessa's voice sends chills down my spine.

"Babe.." She repeats.

When I look up at her she is sitting on my mum's couch with a smile on her face and a book in her lap.

"Come here please." She whines as the door opens and a group of men step inside.

No.

"There she is." The short man who torments my dreams each night says.

"Hardin?" Tessa begins to cry.

"Get away from her." I warn them as they close in on her, they don't seem to hear me.

Her nightgown is ripped off as she is thrown to the floor. Wrinkled and dirt stained hands travel up her thigh as she whimpers my name.

"Please.. Hardin help me." She looks to me but I am frozen.

I am immobile and unable to help her. I am forced to watch as they beat her and violate her until she is lying on the floor silent and bloodied.

My mum didn't wake me, no one did. I had to finish it, all of it and when I woke up my reality was worse than any nightmare.

Day nine is today.

"Did you hear about Christian Vance moving to Seattle?" My mum asks me as I push the cereal around the bowl in front of me.

"Yeah."

"That's exciting isn't it? A new office in Seattle."

"I suppose it is."

"He is having a dinner party on Sunday, he thought you would be there."

"How do you know?" I ask her.

"He told me, we talk time to time." She looks away and refills her coffee mug.

"For what?"

"Because we can, now eat your cereal." She scolds me like a child but I don't have the energy to come up with a snappy remark.

"I don't want to go." I tell her and force the spoon to my mouth.

"You may not see him again for a while."

"So? I barely see him now anyway."

She looks as if she has something else to say but she keeps quiet.

"Have you got any aspirin?" I ask and she nods before disappearing to retrieve it.

I don't want to go to a stupid fucking dinner party celebrating Christian and Kimberly going to Seattle. I'm tired of everyone always talking about Seattle and I know Tessa will be there. The pain at the idea of seeing her tackles me and nearly knocks me out of the chair. I have to stay away from her, I owe it to her. If I can stay here for a few more days, weeks even, we can both move on. She will find someone like Natalie's fiancé, someone much better for her than me.

"I still think you should go." My mum says again as I swallow the aspirin, knowing they won't help.

"I can't go mum.. even if I wanted to. I would have to leave first thing in the morning and I'm not ready to leave."

"You mean you aren't ready to face what you left." She says.

I can't hold it in any longer. I bury my face in my hands as I let the pain take over, I let it drown me. I welcome it, and hope it kills me.

"Hardin.." My mum's voice is quiet and comforting as she hugs me and I shake in her arms.

(I know this is sad, It's supposed to be. I love how passionate you all are and I enjoy all of the comments but some of you are so rude. I know you want things to happen a certain way and you aren't happy with what is going on right now, but if this story were all hearts and flowers, it wouldn't be the same story. You have to trust me and be a little nicer lol. I already know what's going to happen up until the very end so you saying, "if you don't do this I wont read" or "I'll stop reading if they don't get back together next chapter." isn't going to change anything. I love the passion, just remember that you don't need to be mad at me over it and say hurtful things to me. Take it out on the characters not me lol. Anyway, I love you guys and please keep voting and commenting, I love the theories so much, they are so entertaining to read so keep them coming :)