Songs for this chapter are:

Follow you down- Gin Blossoms

 look at where we are- Danny Perez

Distance- Christina Perri ft Jason Mraz

Look after you- The Fray

Tessa's POV.

The tension in the air is so thick, that I swear Kimberly opened the window for that reason alone.

"It's not that hard to answer the phone or at least respond with a text. I drove all the way here and you just got back to me an hour ago." Hardin scolds Christian. I sigh, along with Kimberly and we both wonder just how many times Hardin is going to repeat that same sentence.

"I said I was sorry, we were downtown and I didn't have service." Christian wheels his chair past Hardin and I can almost hear Hardin's thoughts and I see his foot jut out a little while contemplating whether to trip the wheel.

He slides his foot back and gives Christian a nice glare before rounding the island and standing next to me.

"I think he gets it." I whisper to Hardin.

"Yeah, well he better." He repeats the same glare to Christian, earning an annoyed grimace from his biological father.

"You're in a mood today, considering what we just did." I tease him, hoping to ease his anger.

"What time do you want to leave for dinner?" He leans into me, hope taking place of the anger in his eyes.

"Dinner?" Kimberly interrupts.

I turn to her, knowing exactly what she's thinking. "It's not like that." I assure her.

"Yes, it is." Hardin says. Between her nosiness and his smug grin, I want to slap the both of them. In all honestly, of course I want to go to dinner with Hardin. Since the day I met him, I have wanted to be near him.

Well, well, that didn't take long. That annoying part of me chimes in.

I'm not giving into Hardin, I'm not throwing myself back into the cycle of our destructive relationship. We need to talk, really talk, about everything that has happened and my plans for the future. The future as in, New York in a week and a half with Landon.

There have been too many secrets between us, too many avoidable blow-outs when said secrets are revealed in the worst way and I don't want this to be one of those situations. It's time to be mature, get a backbone and tell Hardin what I plan to do.

It's my life, my choice. He doesn't have to approve, no one does, but I owe it to him to at least tell him the truth before he finds out from someone else.

"We can go whenever you want." I quietly respond, ignoring Kimberly's smirk.

"You're wearing that right?" He smiles down at my wrinkled t-shirt and loose sweats. I didn't have time to pay attention to what I was covering myself with, I was too occupied with the idea of Kimberly knocking on my door and catching us with no clothes on.

"Hush," I roll my eyes and walk away from him. I can hear him following me but I close the bathroom door behind me, locking it. He tries with the handle and I hear him laugh before a quiet thud sounds against the wood. The image of him hitting his head against the door makes me smile.

Without a word to him from the other side of the door, I turn the shower on and remove my clothes, and step in before the water has a chance to heat.

Hardin's POV.

"Dinner, eh?" Kimberly is standing in the kitchen with her hand on her hip. How charming.

"Eh?" I mock her, walking past her like it's my house instead of hers.

"Don't look at me like that," I add, her heels clicking behind me.

"I should have put money on how fast you would be here." She says, pulling the refrigerator open. "I told Christian on the way here that your car would be in our driveway."

"Yeah, yeah. I get it." I glance down the hall, hoping that Tessa takes a quick shower, and wishing I was in the shower with her. Hell, I would be happy if she just let me sit in the bathroom, on the floor even, and listen to her talk while she bathes.

I miss showering with her, I miss the way she pinches her eyes closed, too tight and keeps them screwed shut the entire time she washes her hair, you know, 'just in case" shampoo gets into her eyes.

I teased her over it once and she opened her eyes, only to get a big puff of soap into them. I didn't hear the end of it until hours later, when her eyes were finally rid of the red rings around them.

"What's so funny?" Kimberly places a carton of eggs on the island in front of me. I didn't realize I was laughing, I was so consumed by the memory of Tessa glaring at scowling at me, puffy, red eyes and all.

"Nothing." I wave her off. The counter is being filled with every type of food imaginable and Kimberly even slides a cup of coffee, black, in front of me.

"What's with you? You being nice to me so I won't keep reminding your fiancé what a prick he is?" I raise the suspicious coffee cup into the air.

She laughs, "No. I'm always nice to you. I just don't take your shit like everyone else, but I'm always nice to you."

I nod, not knowing what to say next in the conversation. Is that what's happening here? I'm having a conversation with Tessa's most obnoxious friend? The same woman who happens to be marrying my fuck-up of a sperm donor?

"I'm not so bad once you get past that whole hating the world thing you have going on." She cracks an egg on the side of a glass bowl and I look up at her. She's annoying but she's loyal as hell, I'll give her that.

Loyalty is hard to come by, even more so lately, and oddly enough, I find myself thinking about Landon and how he seems to be the only person except Tessa, who is loyal to me. He's been here for me in a way that I didn't expect and I definitely didn't expect to somewhat like it, rely on it even.

With all this shit going on in my life and the struggle to keep myself on the right path, the path lined with fucking rainbows and flowers and all the shit that leads to a life with Tessa, it's nice to know Landon is there if I need him. He's leaving soon and that fucking sucks, but I know that even from New York City, he will be loyal. He may take Tessa's side most of the time, but he's always honest with me. He doesn't keep shit from me the way everyone else does.

"Plus, we are family." Kimberly bites down on her lip to stop herself from laughing and just like that, she's back to getting on my damn nerves.

"Funny." I roll my eyes. If I would have been the one to say it, it would have been, but she just had to ruin the silence.

"I'm known for my humor," she turns away from me to pour the egg batter-shit into a pan on the stove.

Actually, you are known for your big ass mouth, but if thinking you're funny works, fine. I want to say, and would say, if there was a chance that Kimberly wouldn't tell Tessa what I said. I know better though, she would tell her the second she walked into the room.

"All joking aside, I do hope you will consider talking to Christian before you leave. He's been really upset and worried that your relationship with him is ruined permanently. I wouldn't blame you if it was, I'm just letting you know." Her eyes leave mine and she continues cooking, allowing me time to gather a response. Should I even give her one?

"I'm not ready to talk,yet." I eventually say. For a second, I'm not sure if she heard me but she nods her head and I can see the edges of a smile when she turns to grab another ingredient.

What feels like three hours later, Tessa finally emerges from the bathroom. Her hair is dry and pulled away from her face with a thin headband.  It doesn't take long to notice that she put makeup on. She could have done without the makeup, but I guess it's a good sign that she's trying to return to the normalcy she craves in life but never seems to find.

I stare at her for too long and she shifts back and forth under my stare. I love the way she's dressed today, a pink tank top and a skirt covered in flowers, flat shoes.  Fucking beautiful, that's what she is.

"Lunch instead?" I ask, not wanting to be away from her at all today.

"Kimberly made breakfast?" She whispers to me.

"So? It's probably shitty anyway," I wave at the food covering the counter. It doesn't look bad I guess but she's no Karen.

"Don't say that," Tessa smiles and I almost repeat the sentence to earn another smile.

"Fine. We will take a plate to go and we can toss it when we get outside?" I suggest.

She ignores me but I hear her telling Kimberly to save some leftovers for us to eat later.

Hardin-1, Kimberly and her shitty food and annoying questions-0.

The drive through downtown Seattle isn't as bad as usual. Tessa is quite, I knew she would be. I feel her eyes on me every few minutes but every time I look at her, she quickly looks away. I choose a small modern style restaurant for us to have lunch.

I'm pleased with my choice when I pull into the nearly empty lot. The lack of business could mean one of two things, they just opened minutes ago and the crowd hasn't started yet, or the food is shit so no one eats here. I hope for the first as we walk inside the glass doors. Tessa's eyes study the place and I'm reminded just how much I love her reaction to the simplest things. The décor is nice, whimsical, and she seems to like it.

Hardin-2.

 Not that I'm keeping score or anything..

But if I was.. I'd be winning.

We sit in silence while we wait to place our orders. The waiter is a young college kid, he's nervous and he has some sort of eye contact issue. He doesn't seem to want to look into mine, what an asshole.

Tessa orders something that I've never heard of and I order the first thing I see on the menu that I have. A pregnant woman is seated at the table next to us and I watch Tessa stare at the woman for just a beat too long.

"Hey," I clear my throat to get her attention. "I don't know if you even remember what I said last night but if you do, I'm sorry. When I said I didn't want a baby with you, I just meant I don't want kids at all but who knows," my heart begins to pound against my ribs, "maybe one day or something."

I can't believe I just said that and by Tessa's expression, she can't either. Her mouth is wide open and her hand is in the air, holding her glass of water.

"What?" She blinks. "What did you just say?"

Why did I say that? I mean, I meant it. I think. I could maybe think about it. I don't like kids or babies or teenagers but then again, I don't really like adults either. I pretty much only like Tessa, so maybe a little version of her wouldn't be so bad?

"I'm just saying, maybe it wouldn't be so bad?" I shrug, hiding the panic inside of me. Her mouth is still open. I'm beginning to think that I should lean across and hold her jaw for her.

"Obviously not anytime soon. I'm no idiot. I know you have to finish college and all that shit." I add.

"But you.." I've shocked her out of words apparently.

"I know what I said before, but I also never dated anyone, never loved anyone, never gave a shit about anyone, so I think this could be like that. I think after some time, I could change my mind. If you'll give me the chance?"

I allow her a few seconds to collect herself but she just sits there, mouth open, eyes wide.

"I still have work to do, you still don't trust me, I know that. We have college to finish and I still have to convince you to marry me first." I ramble. "Not that we have to be married first, I'm no gentleman." A nervous laugh leaves my mouth and Tessa finally seems to snap back into reality.

"We couldn't," she says, all color drained from her face.

"We could."

'No-"

I hold my hand up to keep her quiet. "We could though, I love you and I want a life with you. I don't give a shit if you're young and I'm young and I'm wrong for you and you're too right for me, I fucking love you and I know I've made mistakes," I run my hand over my hair.

I glance around the small restaurant and I'm fully aware that the pregnant lady is staring at me. Doesn't she have baby thing to do? Eat for two? Pump some milk? I don't have a clue but she's making me nervous for some reason, like she's judging me and she's pregnant and it's just plain fucking weird. Why did I choose a public place to spill this shit?

"And I also know that I've said this same speech probably.. thirty times, but you have to know I'm not fucking around anymore. I want you, always. Fights, make-ups, hell you can even break up with me and move out of our place once a week, just promise me you'll come back and I won't even complain about it." I take a few breathes and look across the table at her.

"Well, I won't complain much." I add, more honestly.

"Hardin, I can't believe you're saying all of this." She says, leaning in, her voice a whisper. "I.. it's everything I wanted." Her eyes fill with tears. Happy tears, I hope.

"But," she begins. "We can't have children together. We aren't even-"

"I know," I can't help but interrupt her. "I know you haven't forgiven me yet, I will be patient. I swear it, I won't be too pushy. I just want you to know that I can be who you need, I can give you what you want, and not only because you want it, but because I want it too."

She opens her mouth to respond but the damn waiter returns with our food. He sits the steaming plate of whatever the hell Tessa ordered, and my burger in front of us and lingers there, standing over us.

"Do you need something?" I snap at him. It's not his fault that I'm pouring out my hopes of a future to this woman and he's interrupting, but he's here and he's wasting my time with her by standing here.

"No Sir, do you need anything else?" He asks, cheeks red.

"No, thank you so much for asking." Tessa smiles up at him, easing his embarrassment and making up for my asshole tendencies. He returns a smile to her and finally disappears.

"Anyway, I was basically just saying everything that I should have said a long time ago. Sometimes I forget that you can't hear my thoughts, you don't know all the things I think about you. I wish you did, you would love me more if you did."

"I don't think it would be possible for me to love you more than I do." She says, twisting her fingers in her hands.

"Really?" I smile at her and she nods.

"But I need to tell you something, I don't know how you'll take it." Her voice catches at the end, making me panic. I know she's given up on us but I can change her mind, I know I can. I feel a determination that I never felt before, never knew existed.

"Go on," I force myself to take a bite of the burger. It's the only way to keep my damn mouth shut.

"You know I went to the doctor," she starts to say. What the hell does her doctor have to do with this? Images of her crying while mumbling about her doctor fill my head.

"Is everything still okay over here? Would you like more water, miss?" The fucking waiter interrupts us. Is he fucking serious?

"We are fine." I growl at him, literally growl like a rabid fucking dog. He pisses off and Tessa lifts her finger to her empty glass.

"Shit. Here," I slide mine over to her and she smiles, gulping the water down in seconds. Maybe I shouldn't have shooed the waiter away after all.

"You were saying?" I press for her to pick up where we left off.

"We can talk about it later," she says, taking the first bite of her food since it arrived in front of her.

"Oh no you don't. I know this trick, I invented this trick. After you get some food into your belly, you'll tell me." I say. "Please."

She takes another bite, trying to distract me but nope, it's not going to work. I want to know what her doctor said and why it's making her act so strange. If we weren't in public, it would be much easier to get her to talk. I don't give a shit about making a scene but I know she will be embarrassed so I'll play nice.

I can do this, I can balance being nice and cooperative and not feel like a total fucking tool.

I let her get away with another five minutes of silence, she's picking at her food now.

"Are you finished?" I ask her.

"It's.." she glances down at the plate full of food.

"What?"

"It's not very good," she whispers, looking around to be sure no one could hear her confession.

I laugh, "Is that what has you all flushed and whispering?"

"Hush," she swats at the air between us. "I'm so hungry but it's so bad. I don't even know what it is, I just pointed at something because I was nervous." She admits.

"I'll tell them you want something else." I lift to my feet and she reaches across to grab my arm.

"No, it's okay. I'm ready to go."

"Fine, we'll go through a drive-thru and get something for you after we leave and you can tell me what the hell is going on in that head of yours. It's driving me insane guessing." I tell her. She agrees with me, looking a little insane herself.

A drive-thru taco joint later, Tessa is full and my patience is withering with each silent moment between us.

"I freaked you out talking about kids, didn't I?" I ask her. "I know I'm laying a lot of shit on you at once but I have spent the last eight months keeping shit in and I don't want to do that anymore."

I want to tell her the crazy shit inside of my head, I want to tell her that I want to stare at the cheesy way the sun hits her hair in the passenger seat, until I can't see anymore. I want to listen to her moan and close her eyes when she takes a bite of a taco that I swear tastes like cardboard but she loves, until I can't hear anymore. I want to be tease her about the spot just below her knee that she always misses when she shaves her legs, until I lose my voice.

"It's not that," she interrupts me and I look up from staring at her legs.

"Then what is it? Let me guess, you are already questioning marriage, now you don't want kids either?"

"No, that's not it."

"I fucking hope not because you know damn well you'll make the best mum ever."

She whimpers, holding her hands over her stomach. "I can't,"

"We can."

"No Hardin, I can't." The way her eyes look down at her belly and her hands makes me thankful we are parked in a lot, I would have swerved off the damn road.

The doctor, the crying, the wine, the freaking out about Karen and her baby, the constant "can't" from today.

"You can't." I reply, understanding exactly what she means. "It's because of me, isn't it? I did something to you, didn't I?" I don't know what I could have done but that's the way this works, something bad happens to Tessa because of something I did, always.

"No, No. You didn't do anything. It's something inside of me that isn't right." She says, her lips trembling.

"Oh," I wish I could say something else, something better, anything really.

"Yeah." She rubs her hand over the bottom of her stomach and I can feel the air disappearing from the small space of my car.

As fucked up as it is, as fucked up as I am, my chest feels like it's caving in and little brown haired girls with gray eyes, little blonde boys with green eyes, little bonnet things and tiny socks with little animals, all kinds of shit that used to make me want to vomit repeatedly, swirl behind my lids and I feel dizzy as they are torn away, tossed into the air and carried wherever ruined futures go to die.

"It's possible, I mean, very slim chance and there would be a high risk for miscarriage and my hormone levels are all messed up and I don't think I could ever torture myself by trying. I wouldn't be able to handle losing a baby, or trying for years with no result. It's just not in the cards for me to be a mother, I guess." She's spitting this shit out trying to make me feel better but it's not convincing me, not making her seem like she has it under control when it's obvious that she doesn't.

She's looking at me, expecting me to say something but I can't. I don't know what to say to her and I can't help the anger I feel toward her. It's fucking stupid and selfish and absolutely fucking wrong but it's there and I'm terrified that if I open my mouth, I will say something I shouldn't.

If I wasn't such an asshole, I would comfort her. I would hold her and tell her it will be okay, that we don't need to have kids, we can adopt or something, anything.

But this is how reality works, men aren't literary heroes, they don't change overnight and no one does anything right here in the real world. I'm no Darcy and she's no Elizabeth.

"Say something?" She's on the verge of tears.

"I don't know what to say." I say, my voice is barely audible and my throat is closing. I feel like I've swallowed a handful of bees.

"You didn't want kids anyway right? I didn't think it would make such a difference," if I look over, I will find her crying.

"I didn't think so, but now that it's been taken away.."

"Oh." She interrupts. I'm thankful for that because who knows what the fuck would have come out next.

"You can just take me back to the house.."

I nod and put the car in drive. It's fucked up how something you never wanted can hurt this way. "I'm sorry, I just.." neither of us seem to be able to finish a sentence.

"It's okay, I understand." She says, leaning into the window. I suspect that she's trying to get as far away from me as she can.

My emotions are telling me to comfort her, to think of her and how this is effecting her and how she feels about it, but my head is strong, so fucking strong, and I'm pissed. Not at her really, but her body and her mum for whatever she was born with that doesn't work right. I'm pissed at the world for slapping me in the damn face again and I'm pissed at myself for not being able to say anything to her as we drive through the city.

(Hey guys!! Okay, so as some of you may have seen, I posted a little bit of "Before" (super creative title, right? haha) on Twitter. Some of you are confused about it so I'm going to explain here. Before will NOT be a continuation necessarily so it's not "After 4". It's going to be a book of Hardin's POV from the first After. It's going to show what he was thinking during the first book (before I started his POV) aka, when he first met Tessa, the first kiss, the stream, the bet, etc etc. It will also have some new stuff, new Hessa scenes, possibly even some future stuff but I can't say anything else about that! So yeah, it will still involve Tessa of course but you don't have to read it if you don't want to! I wont be posting it until After 3 is over in about a month or so, (so soon!!) love you all!!