Kabanata 2

Believe

Siguro dahil sa pighati, sinadya kong kalimutan si Sean at maging si Leo. Hindi ko na rin naman nakita si Leo. Hindi ko alam kung saan na siya pumasok. Hindi na rin ako nakibalita.

I didn't even tell anyone about it. It's not that I was embarrassed. I was extremely angry that I would rather forget about it than ask for anyone's sympathy.

"Ayos ka lang?" I asked when I noticed that Orianne wasn't feeling well.

Kagagaling lang namin sa Polo club. Naroon sina Daddy at nalilibang sa isang weekend kasama ang iilang family friends. Kami naman, na bore sa panonood kaya nagpasya na pumunta sa isang malapit na coffee shop.

My friends were busy talking about a movie when I noticed that Orianne was busy with her phone. Nakapag bathroom break pa siya at nang bumalik, namumugto ang mga mata.

Mas close ako sa ibang kaibigan ko. Si Orianne, naging close ko lang dahil sa dalas nila sa Polo club. My brothers go there frequently. Right now, I was just curious why she looked sad.

Tumango siya at suminghap. May dilim na nakatago sa mga mata.

Nilingon ko ang mga kaibigan naming nag-uusap pa rin. They were all enthusiastic about the movie and no one noticed Orianne's mood. Susubukan ko sanang sabihin sa lahat kaso hinawakan ni Orianne ang kamay ko.

"Don't."

Napatingin ako sa kamay niyang nakapatong sa akin.

"Ayaw kong malaman nila ang problema ko."

"Bakit?" sa marahang boses. "Ano bang problema mo?"

Nilingon niya ang grupo lalo na dahil nagkayayaan nang tumingin ng mga produkto tungkol sa movie na tinutukoy nila.

"Tara! Punta tayo saglit. Malapit lang 'yon dito!" anyaya nila.

Inayos ko ang bag ko pero umiling naman si Orianne.

"Kayo na lang. Dito na lang ako maghihintay. Hindi rin naman ako nanood no'n."

Hindi rin naman ako ganoon ka interesado. Yumuko si Orianne, mukhang may dinadamdam pa rin. She's some years older than me. The friends I gained from the club were years older. It doesn't bother me because they are fun to be with and mature. Halos lahat sa kanila may kani-kanilang boyfriend na at maging si Orianne, may fiancee na.

"Kayo na lang. Sasamahan ko si Orianne."

I volunteered because I wasn't that interested with the movie. Nagpaalam na sila at nangako na babalik din kaya naiwan kami ni Orianne sa coffee shop. Medyo guilty rin ako na iwan siya gayong alam kong may pinoproblema.

Tahimik kami ng ilang sandali pero kalaunan, nagkuwento siya, nakatingin pa rin sa kape.

"My engagement got called off."

I remember now. She's engaged to Anton Mercadejas Jr. Wala pa namang party na naganap, na madalas ginagawa sa mga tulad nitong marriage for convenience pero kalat na sa mga pamilya iyon. I was shocked.

"Huh? Bakit daw?"

Nangilid ang mga luha sa mata ni Orianne.

Sa totoo lang, hindi ko maintindihan. Wala sa pamilya namin ang ganoon. They said it is only for the richest of the rich. The upper crust of the upper crust that does it. But the truth is... those things are only done by the greedy.

Kasi sino ba ang nasa tamang pag-iisip na itulak ang anak sa hindi naman niya talaga mahal? Pero bigla ko ring natanto na maaaring mali ako. If Orianne didn't love her fiance, she wouldn't cry this way.

Maybe marriage for convenience also works if you have learned to love your supposed partner, huh?

"Ayaw ni Anton," her tears fell.

But what if it's one sided? Like this?

"Bakit? May gusto ba siyang iba?"

"Wala!"

Nag-isip ako. Hindi ko talaga alam paano mang-alu ng ganito. Hindi ko pa nararanasang ma-broken hearted kaya malay ko ba. May mga masugid akong manliligaw, gaya ni Simon, na kahit takot sa mga Kuya ko, nagpapatuloy. Pero do I feel for him? No. Or at least I have no feelings for him yet.

"Mercadejas... hmm... hindi ba... iyan yong kuwento noon ni Tria?"

Nagpatuloy siya sa pag-iyak. Hindi ako sigurado sa tanong kong ito pero wala na talaga akong masabi. Hindi ko alam kung yayakapin ba siya at parang hindi magandang sabihin iyong "ayos lang 'yan." Kasi mukhang hindi talaga ayos 'yon sa kanya!

"Na marami daw obsessed na babae? Hindi ba Mercadejas 'yon?"

She remained crying. Nagpa-panic na ako dahil hindi ko na alam paano siya aluin.

"Kuha lang ako ng tubig," paalam ko at umalis na sa harapan niya.

I recalled a decade old information in my head. Well, at least I don't have memory gap or something.

Nilapag ko sa harap ni Orianne ang tubig pero hindi niya naman ininom. Paano ba 'to? Pipilitin ko ba siyang inumin 'to?

"Iyong sabi nila noon na ang dami raw nagkakandarapang babae? Even the richest would pull each other's hair for the cat fight? I heard someone went abroad because of physical assault or something because of that. Si Anton 'yon, hindi ba? Kaya baka-"

"That was his brother, not him."

Oh! I was wrong.

Kinagat ko ang labi ko at naghanap pa ng puwedeng sabihin. Mabuti na lang at nagsalita siya.

"Wala naman daw siyang ibang gusto. Pero bakit kaya nakahanap agad ng pamalit?!"

"P-Pamalit? Sino naman?"

"Thalia Angeles daw. Kami lang ang nakakaalam pa dahil s'yempre kami ang pamilyang apektado. He said he didn't want a marriage for convenience, then why is he bound to Thalia?!"

"Kayo pa lang ang nakakaalam? I will check on my parents later. I think news like that are only confirmed by a party. Baka tsismis lang 'yon." Sinusubukan ko talagang aluin siya. "Sino ba ang nagsabi?"

"My mother. My father doesn't know anything yet."

"See? Siguro tsismis nga lang."

She still cried so hard.

"Orianne, don't worry, okay? Magtatanong ako sa parents ko tungkol diyan. Pati sa mga kuya ko."

I looked at her with pity. Umiiyak talaga siya at tingin ko kahit anong sabihin ko, hindi ko siya maalu.

"Do you really want him?"

Nag-angat ang tingin niya sa akin, para bang may pag-asa sa boses ko. She nodded.

"How 'bout his brother, instead?"

"I like Anton better. His brother is a playboy and rude. I don't like him."

Iniisip kong baka puwede naman ang kapatid na lang. Kung may mahal nang iba si Anton, kaya niya tinanggihan si Orianne, then wouldn't it be the same to have his brother? After all, they have the same family name.

Doon ko lang din natanto na kahit naman pala arranged marriage sila, totoo pa rin ang pagkakagusto ni Orianne rito. Why else would she really choose Anton, anyway.

Hindi man siya nanghingi ng tulong sa akin, inalala ko pa rin ang ipinangako sa kanya. Pag-uwi ko sa bahay noon, hindi ko na napigilan ang sarili kong magtanong tanong habang kumakain kami ng family dinner.

"Papa," I called.

Masaya pa ang kuwentuhan nila tungkol sa polo match kanina. Naghihintay naman ako ng tamang tiyempo para makapagtanong. Nang humupa ang usapan, 'tsaka ako nagsalita.

"Yes, Lucianna?"

"Is it true that Orianne Ocampo's engagement with the Mercadejas son is broken?" tanong ko.

Nagkatinginan si Mama at Papa at pagkatapos ng ilang sandali, natawa.

"Wala naman kaming narinig, hija. Bakit? Anong problema?"

Napaisip tuloy ako. Totoo kaya ang sinabi ni Orianne? Kung hindi iyon totoo, baka sinayang niya lang ang luha niya sa kaiiyak para sa isang tsismis.

Umiling ako. "Wala naman po."

"You fancy Anton Mercadejas?" si Kuya Lucho na may kaibang ngiti sa mukha.

"No. Orianne is my friend and... well... maybe she thought their engagement is cancelled."

"Wala namang balitang ganyan, hija," si Mama. "At kilala ko ang senyora, hindi iyon basta-bastang magpapalit ng gustong babae para sa anak."

Tumawa si Kuya Lucho. "Good thing we are not like them, Mama."

"Hindi naman talaga masama iyon, Lucho. Lalo na kung may anak na pareho mo na hindi makapili ng babae," biro ni Mama.

Tumawa si Papa. "Baliktad naman yata ang sinabi mo. If someone is to get a marriage for convenience, I want it to by my daughter."

Kumunot ang noo ko at natigil sa pagkain.

Bumaling silang apat sa akin.

"Why?" I asked.

"Because the boys probably won't marry, kung magpapatuloy sila sa gawaing ganyan. My daughter, I will always worry about. Kung sino ang pipiliin niya, kung mag-aasawa ba, o kung mabuti ba ang mapipiling asawa. There are too many worries for a daughter."

"Pareho lang naman ako kina Kuya, Papa. Puwede rin naman akong hindi mag-asawa. Kaya ko naman ding buhayin ang sarili ko."

Umiling agad si Mama. "Hija, your brothers are giving me a headache because of that. Please, huwag ka nang gumaya."

"Wala ka pa bang nagugustuhan?" si Kuya Lucky naman.

"Wala po," sabay patuloy sa pagkain.

"How about that ridiculous boy Samaniego?"

"He's kind to me, that's all."

"Baka iyon ang maging boyfriend mo?" si Kuya Lucky.

Nagtawanan ang dalawang kapatid. Nagkatinginan sila na para bang may masamang binabalak kay Simon. Masama kong tiningnan ang dalawa samantalang nahagip ng tingin ko si Mama at Papa na tahimik at pinagmamasdan ako.

"What do you think, Lucianna?" si Papa.

Nagtaas ako ng kilay.

"What do I think about... what?" hindi naiintindihan ang tanong.

"About marriage for convenience, like your friend Orianne."

Hindi ko man lang namamalayan na ilang beses na nga pala iyong naitanong sa akin ni Papa simula pa noon. I think Orianne was eighteen when her parents told her about it. I was seventeen when I noticed that pattern every family dinner.

Lagi'y pareho ang sagot ko.

"Wala pa sa isip ko 'yon, Papa. Masyado pa akong bata."

"Wala ka pa bang nagugustuhang manliligaw."

"Wala rin naman po. Kaya siguro hindi ko pa naiisip iyon."

One time, my answer changed. That was after seeing Orianne happy again. I don't know if she reconciled with her fiance but I think it was the reason why. Lagi na siyang may ka-text at katawagan. Kaya hindi na ako nang-usisa at inisip na lang na ganoon na nga ang nangyari.

"If... I will like him, maybe?"

I saw how the light in my father's eyes changed after that different answer.

Immediately after that weekend, we had a visitor. I remember her, of course. Tuwing may parties, lagi niya akong binabati at nagtatagal ang tingin niya sa akin. It was always as if she's finding something in me. Kuryoso lagi at parang lagi na lang natutuwa, ano man ang sasabihin ko.

"Good morning, Senyora," bati ko.

Maagang maaga siya sa mansiyon. Kagigising ko lang at maliligo pa sana ako pero ipinatawag na ako ng aming mayordoma, at sinabihan na na huwag nang maligo. Bumati raw muna ako sa bisita dahil iyon ang gusto niya.

It was Senyora Domitilla Mercadejas. Nakasuot ng printed black and red longsleeved dress, looking so expensive, and drinking tea with my mother on our lanai.

Ngumiti siya sa akin.

"Good morning, Lucianna," banayad niyang bati sabay tingin mula ulo hanggang paa.

Now, I wonder if I can go back to my room and take a bath. Suklay lang ang ginawa ko at bumaba na dahil kinulit na ako ni Manang. Gusto raw ng Ginang na makita ako na kagigising lang. I was still wearing my white and lacey peignoir.

"Sorry, I just woke up. I'll take a bath and dress up to join you here, Senyora."

My mother smiled proudly. Lalo na nang nagkatinginan ang dalawa. The Senyora looked impressed with my simple words. Hindi ko talaga alam bakit lagi na lang siyang ganoon.

"What's your nickname?"

I blinked twice. Hindi ko inasahan ang tanong na iyon.

"Luciliano is Lucky. And Lucius is Lucho. How about you?"

"Her endearment is sometimes, Luci, Domitilla. Pero she prefers us calling her by her full name. Lucianna," si Mama ang sumagot.

Mas matanda yata si Mama ng kaunti kay Senyora Domitilla. She looked really young to be a mother of grown men. And her fine movements told me that she practiced all of it for years, now she's such a perfection of a fine woman. Pero may kung ano sa kislap ng mga mata niya. I couldn't pinpoint it but if I compare her to my Mom, my Mama is easily kinder. The Senyora looked cunning. Or maybe, it was because her eyes were upturned like mine... at guni-guni ko lang iyong naiisip na masama sa kanya.

"Oh my!" sabay tutop niya sa labi na halata namang sadya. "I thought it's Cian."

Cian that sounds like Sean. I blocked her in my memory so I shrugged it all.

"Can I call you Cian? I like that name on you. It's cute. You are, too. And beautiful."

Tumango ako. "I'm fine with Cian, Senyora."

She laughed with so much grace that it's almost pretense. "I really like you, hija."

"Thank you, Senyora."

"I like your Daughter, Kriselda. She's very fine."

I smiled.

"You can go and get dressed, hija. Please join us after, okay?" si Senyora.

Hindi iyon ang una o huling pagkakataon na bumisita ang Senyora Domitilla. Iyon pa lang ang simula ng madalas niyang punta.

Iniisip kong nagkaroon na nga ng kaibigan si Mama. They would sometimes play at home. She would always visit on the weekend. She was also always all praises to me everytime I see her.

Kaya nawala rin ang mga pagdududa ko sa kanya dahil mabait naman siya. One time, she went abroad for a business trip, she gave me so many souvenirs. Gustong-gusto ko pa ang lahat ng iyon at tuwang tuwa siya sa excitement na ipinakita ko.

"I wish I had a daughter like you," she said.

Nakalatag ang mga pasalubong niya sa akin sa sahig ng aming lanai. May sinagot na tawag si Mama kaya naiwan kami ni Senyora roon.

Today, she brought me the finest painting materials. May binili raw siya na painting sa isang sikat na pintor. Kinausap niya ang pintor at doon niya mismo binili ang mga ibinigay niya sa akin ngayon.

Nalaman niya na mahilig ako sa interior design. And in a time where modern and industrial designs were in, I was interested in the classic and traditional styles.

"Wala ka po bang babaeng anak, Senyora?"

Alam ko lang na may dalawang anak siya pero hindi ko sigurado kung dalawa nga lang ba.

"Hmm. Wala nga. Do you know my sons?"

I smiled as I painted a line on my canvas. "I think so."

Hindi siya sumagot kaya nagpatuloy ako.

"My friend Orianne is engaged to Anton Mercadejas."

Her lips parted. Bahagya kong nakitaan ng iritasyon sa mukha niya kaya nagtagal ang tingin ko sa kanya. Then she smiled very sweetly. That was odd.

"Your friends with Orianne? How so? She's older than you."

"Madalas po ako sa Polo club. Ganoon din siya kaya naging magkaibigan kaming dalawa."

"Yeah, she's engaged to my son. Pero ewan ko ba... may ibang boyfriend yata siya."

Nagulat ako. Hindi ko alam iyon, ah. I don't want to gossip. Lalo na sa isang bagay na hindi ko alam o hindi ko kumpirmado kaya hindi na ako nagpatuloy.

"Hay, hija. I like you very much. If only your parents would allow me to adopt you."

Natawa siya. Natawa rin ako. Natawa kaming dalawa sa sinabi niya.

"Or perhaps I can pair you with my son, Uriel."

Natigilan ako. Napatingin ako kay Senyora at napawi ang ngiti ko. I saw how her lips trembled a bit when she noticed my reaction.

"A bit older than you, but he's handsome and respectful." Then she sighed sadly.

I tilted my head in question. Ngumisi siya sa pabirong paraan.

"At sige na, aamin ako. Medyo babaero na rin, gaya ng kapatid niya. Pero masunurin iyon. Nangako na kapag naipangako na sa iba, magiging tapat na sa ipinangako sa kanya."

That... sounds interesting.

Hindi na rin masama.

"Ano ba ang tipo mo, hija? O baka naman... may boyfriend ka na?"

Nagpatuloy ako sa pagpipinta, ang mga kulay kumakalat na sa canvas. Iba iba, gaya ng iba iba rin nitong pinaparamdam sa pintor at sa mga titingin. You can choose to take art negatively, you can also choose to take it positively.

Asul, puwedeng kapayapaan, pero puwede ring kalungkutan. Berde, na puwedeng tungkol sa magandang kalusugan, pero puwede ring inggit. Dilaw, na puwedeng kasiyahan, pero puwede ring panlilinlang. Puti, na para sa kalinisan, pero madalas ay kamatayan.

At ang pula, pag-ibig. Pagmamahal. At panganib.

How weird, I thought. Things are perceived differently by different people. Bakit kaya ganoon?

"Wala naman po."

"Hmm. Let me guess. Ayaw mo pang mag boyfriend?"

Natawa ako at nagpatuloy sa pagpipintura. "Wala pa po akong nagugustuhan. Boys at school seems ridiculous. And they fear my brothers."

She chuckled. I smiled at her.

"I don't like men who fear them. I feel like if they really want me, they pursue me even when my brothers are there."

Tumwa pa lalo si Senyora. "Naku, bagay talaga kayo ng anak ko."

I smirked at her. She thought of it dreamily. Nasa kawalan na ang mga mata niya.

"He couldn't find the right woman for him, too. Or he's fond of playing around but nobody has every driven him to get a serious relationship."

"Baka po hindi n'yo lang alam? Baka may nagugustuhan lang sila at natatakot silang sabihin sa'yo."

Her eyes widened.

"No. They just really like to fool around. They don't believe in marriage."

"Then... why am I being paired with a man who doesn't believe in marriage?" nagtaas ako ng kilay kay Senyora.

She smirked. "Well, I was hoping that if he meets you, he would then believe."

How romantic, huh?

"Here he is, do you wanna see?"

At siyempre, guwapo nga ang anak ni Senyora Domitilla Mercadejas. Hindi ko na pinagtakhan iyon dahil maganda rin naman siya.

I was really impressed with all his cool pictures, on the horse, swimming, driving a car, a motorcycle, playing sports, even his pictures on a muddy place looked good.

"He likes adventure sports. Surfing, and all that."

I chuckled. "Wala ba siyang trabaho?"

Medyo na offend siya sa sinabi ko at umiling agad. "Hija! He's working, too. But just imagine how hectic his working hours are, para lang makapagliwaliw siya ng ganito. He's very responsible."

"A good looking man like that, it's impossible he doesn't have a girlfriend."

"Ano ka ba... look at your brothers."

Dahil doon, naniniwala na talaga ako kay Senyora. Uriel Mercadejas is indeed handsome.

"Do you like him?"

I shrugged. Nakita ko na naman ang kaunting iritasyon sa mga mata ni Senyora.

"'I find him handsome pero that doesn't mean that I'll be his girlfriend. Hindi ko pa siya nakikilala. I don't know how he is in a relationship so..."

She laughed awkwardly. "Kung gusto mo, ipapakilala kita sa kanya, hija! You can go to our house!"

She seems pretty determined about it. Nagkibit ako ng balikat. It's her son. Ayaw ko naman siyang tanggihan.

"Kilala lang naman. Hindi pa engaged," she laughed awkwardly again. "Kung ayaw mo talaga sa kanya, hindi ka naman pipilitin."

Ngumuso ako at nagpatuloy sa pagpipinta.

"What if I'll like him, Senyora?"

"Then it's perfect!" halos napasigaw siya.

Tumawa ako. "What if he doesn't like me back?"

"Oh, h-he will! He will, hija!" medyo nakaramdam ako ng pagdududa kaya nilingon ko siya.

Ngumisi ako. Kita talaga ang pagdududa sa mga mata niya.

"If he doesn't like me, then I'll leave and never speak to him again."

"Gagawin ko ang lahat magustuhan ka lang niya!" determinado niyang sinabi.

"I don't see how that will happen? Is there a magical love potion in your place, Senyora?" sabay tawa ko.

She laughed with me too but she didn't answer.

"Iyon ay kung magustuhan ko nga siya. Pero kung hindi naman, ayos lang na maging mag kaibigan kami. But then if he'll like me, it would be a pity. I would break his heart. Would you forgive me if that happens?"

Natawa ulit siya. "Of course, hija."

"I'm sorry, it was a long call from my husband," si Mama na nakabalik na.

"Ah! Ang dami na naming kuwento ni Cian. I told her about Uriel."

"You did?!" gulantang at natatawang sinabi ni Mama.

"Yes. I am very close to convincing her about him."

"Lucianna! That's great! I mean, I like Uriel!" si Mama. "Your father likes Uriel, too."

Ngumiti lang ako at naalala ang mga tanong ni Papa sa akin. I wonder if this was planned out?

"You should show Lucianna's pictures to him, Domitilla!"

"Ah. Pinakita ko na. Gusto niya nga raw."

My eyes darted to them. That fast?!

"Ah, it was just a random moment. I showed him your pictures, Cian."

Hindi ko alam kung seryoso ba ako sa usapan. Pero isa lang talaga ang nasagot ko sa huling tanong niya.

"Sa Romblon ka ba ulit magbabakasyon?"

"Ah. Hindi po," sabi ko naalala ang huling bakasyon ko roon.

How sad. My favorite place turned ugly because of them.

"Bakit ka nga ba balik nang balik doon? Gusto mo ng dagat? At ang payapang lugar?" Senyora, mimicking my answers some months ago when she asked me about it.

"Yes po."

"Ganoon din ang Costa Leona, hija. Mas maganda pa nga roon! And then you'll meet my son, Uriel."

Just like that, the next vacation, I was in front of him.

"Uriel, this is Lucianna Almodovar," Senyora Domitilla.

I looked at him with curious eyes. He really is good looking. Hindi nga lang ako makapagdesisyon kung tipo ko siya. I don't like older men like him. He isn't like those campus heartthrob that I always like. He was dark, mature, isang bagay na hindi ko alam kung gusto ko ba.

He watched me intently. There was an odd glint in his dark eyes. His mouth was thin with impatience, as if the meeting bored him.

Hindi ko gusto, nasa isip ko iyon. Kadarating ko lang dito at kahaharap niya lang sa akin, naiisip ko na ito.

Hindi ko siya gusto.

He looked too dangerous for my liking. Maybe it was because he's mature. He looked ruthless. His body was lean but he had muscles. The way his veins showed on his forearm screamed male violence to me. He was tall, he looked powerful. He wasn't the angelic boyish campus crush type like Simon and all the other boys I liked. He wasn't charming. There was no hint of charm in him anywhere.

Nakakahiya nga lang umuwi pagkatapos kong dumating. It seems disrespectful.

Senyora Domitilla has been good to me, and she arranged all of these thoroughly. In fact, papupuntahin niya pa si Orianne dito kalaunan... so I won't get bored.

Uriel Mercadejas held out his hand. Tinitigan ko iyon at tinanggap.

"Nice to meet you then... Cian..." there was a hint of playfulness in his voice.

What was that for? Does he find it funny? In a bad way? Is he insulting me?

"Nice to meet you too, Uriel," I said sweetly, masking my slight annoyance out of respect for his mother.

But I don't like him.