BDSM includes "intimate activities within the scope of informed consent that is freely given."

Abuse is "physical, sexual or emotional acts inflicted on a person without their informed and freely given consent."

The BDSM Community practices 'safe, sane and consensual' activities. For an outsider, viewing the practices for the first time would associate it with non-consensual activity, rape.

However, BDSM is on the other side of the spectrum when compared to an abusive culture. The former practices the use of safe words and predefined limits which the dominant enforces for the safety of the submissive(s). The latter often is caused due to emotional, physical, mental, anger issues and is not consensual.

Abusive behaviour can be prequel by the following few indicators by either of the parties:

1) ignoring sexual boundaries

2) non-consensual/non-negotiated verbal or physical abuse

3) controlling behaviour, including excessive jealousy

4) unpredictable extreme mood swings

5) substance abuse

6) use of ultimatums and fear to control the victim

7) isolating the victim from family and friends

8) a history of abusive behaviour with close contacts

9) exercising extreme control over their counterparts daily routine

Abusive people often tend to be controlling, manipulative, often see themselves as victims and believe that men have a pre-ordained right to be in charge of all aspects of a relationship.

There is no specific reason as to why a person has abusive tendencies and ordinarily changes from person to person. One view is that batterers are hardened criminals who commit their crimes in a conscious, calculated manner to achieve the dominance they believe men are entitled to. Others believe abuse is the product of deep psychological and developmental scars, which are not gender-specific. More often than not, the abusive behaviour of a person takes the front seat when their partner threatens to leave them.

One batterer who has now gone through treatment, says "the beatings, the verbal abuse, and the intimidation was all about control. It was like having a new toy," he said. "I had the buttons and I could make her do whatever I wanted. I was trying to intimidate her. I wanted to control her for the simple reason that I knew I could do it. It made me feel powerful."

The Abuse Cycle:

Build-Up Phase - The tension builds.

Stand-Over Phase - Verbal attacks increase.

Explosion Phase - A violent outburst occurs.

Remorse Phase - You shouldn't have pushed me, it was your fault!

Pursuit Phase - It will never happen again, I promise.

Honeymoon Phase - See, we don't have any problems!

This cycle concerns actual physical abuse. It does not take into account other forms of domestic abuse that are used to control, such as sexual abuse, verbal abuse, psychological and emotional abuse, spiritual abuse, economic abuse, and social abuse.

Sexual abuse, also termed as molestation, is usually undesired sexual behaviour by one person upon another. It is often perpetrated using force or by taking advantage of another. When force is immediate, of short duration, or infrequent, it is called sexual assault. The offender is referred to as the sexual abuser or molester.

Informed consent must be judged by balancing the following criteria for each encounter at the time the acts occurred:

Was informed consent expressly denied or withdrawn?

Were there factors that negated the informed consent?

What is the relationship between the participants?

What was the nature of the activity?

What was the intent of the accused abuser?

Whether an individual's role is top/dominant or bottom/submissive, they could be suffering abuse if they answer no to any of the following questions:

Are your needs and limits respected?

Is your relationship built on honesty, trust, and respect?

Are you able to express feelings of guilt or jealousy or unhappiness?

Can you function in everyday life?

Can you refuse to do illegal activities?

Can you insist on safe sex practices?

Can you choose to interact freely with others outside of your relationship?

Can you leave the situation without fearing that you will be harmed, or fearing the other participant(s) will harm themselves?

Can you choose to exercise self-determination with money, employment, and life decisions?

Do you feel free to discuss your practices and feelings with anyone you choose?

These guidelines were created by activists and leaders at the Leather Leadership Conference in 1998.

BDSM has stark differences from physical, sexual or any other kind of abuse.

As previously mentioned, the BDSM community revolves around consensual pleasure. Often the participants engage in a set of tasks to ensure safety and comfortability:

Pre-play negations

Educational workshops

Having a safe word – preferably two (one for slow down, one for stop completely)

Having a discussion on soft limits and hard limits, and not breaking them without full prior discussion

Discussions and reassurances afterwards, particularly if a scene has gotten very emotional

The use of contraceptives (unless in total agreement about not using them)

Safety equipment such as first aid kits and paramedic scissors (if one person is tied up and starts to panic, releasing them quickly is of utmost importance)

Sir Bamm includes some helpful comparisons as well:

D/S or Abuse?

D/s is about the building of a trusting relationship between two consenting adult partners, while abuse is about the breach of trust between an authority figure and the person in their care.

D/s is about the mutual respect demonstrated between two enlightened people, while abuse is about the lack of respect that one person demonstrates to another person.

D/s is about a shared enjoyment of controlled erotic pain and/or humiliation for mutual pleasure, while abuse is about a form of out-of-control physical violence and/or personal or emotional degradation of the submissive.

D/s is about loving each other completely and without reservation in an alternate way, while abuse is hurtful. It is also very damaging emotionally and spiritually to the submissive.

D/s frees a submissive from the restraints of years of vanilla conditioning to explore a buried part of him/herself, while abuse binds a submissive to a lonely and solitary life of shame, fear and secrecy... imprisoning his/her very soul.

D/s builds self-esteem as a person discovers and embraces their long-hidden sexuality, while abuse shatters and destroys a person's self-esteem and leaves self-hatred in its place.

S/M or Abuse?

An SM scene is a controlled situation, while abuse is an out-of-control situation.

Negotiation occurs before an S/M scene to determine what will and will not happen in that scene. One person determines what will happen in abuse. 

Knowledgeable consent is given to the scene by all parties in S/M, whereas in abuse no consent is asked for or given.

The bottom has a safeword that allows them to stop the scene at any time they need to for physical or emotional reasons. However, the person being abused cannot stop what is happening.

Everyone involved in the SM scene is concerned about needs, desires, and limits of others. No concern is given to the needs, desires, and limits of the abused person.

The people in the SM scene are careful to be sure that they are not impaired by alcohol or drug use during the scene. Alcohol or drugs are often used before an episode of abuse.

After an SM scene, the people involved feel good. After an episode of abuse, the people involved feeling bad.

Eternal Resources:

https://www.verywellmind.com/difference-between-bdsm-and-abuse-4065395

https://www.verywellmind.com/domestic-abuse-why-do-they-do-it-62639

https://sexpositivepsych.com/when-does-bdsm-become-abuse/

https://www.ncsfreedom.org/component/k2/item/467-sm-vs-abuse

http://www.sirbamm.com/smvabuse.html