Written By:  Laura cherrypop12

I don't want this to be a boring article piece.

That's my goal.

But I do also want to help inform you guys and share knowledge from my personal viewpoint and experiences. Now some of you may know that although I don't mind sharing information about my day-to-day life, I'm not a big 'bare your heart' sharer and sorry to disappoint but this is still not going to be that. Now based on what I'm going to write you guys may gather some things but I'm not about to confirm or deny anything.

After all a girl's gotta have her secrets.

So with that said, I'm also going to switch up the boring, me talking (writing) with snippets of story, because duh that's what I like to write.

As you may have gathered from the title, I don't want to talk about what BDSM is and isn't. That's been covered plenty and a simple Google search will tell you more than enough. That means, I'm assuming all of you heathens reading this have got it in your heads and hearts that this is for you. That you want to try this. Or maybe you just want to read this for the hell of it. I don't know and I'm definitely not here to judge.

This piece is going to help you out in maybe going about attaining that. Or at least one way in which you could approach it.

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Now as I said I can only write from my experiences and viewpoint so you're getting this from a heterosexual, cis-female in her 20's considering the role of a submissive. Let's also state that in the story scenario I'm going to write, our protagonist's name is Ali and her partner's is Jay.

(Why Ali and Jay? Well it's the only name I could think of that could be a short form of a name from different religions and backgrounds. Got a better suggestion, let me know.)

Now Ali is in her early 20's. She's got a boyfriend of a couple of years and they've had sex. In fact, it's pretty good sex. But she's been getting into erotica lately and reading stories by the fabulous cherrypop12 (oh heyyy-as if I wasn't going to do some shameless self-promo!).

She's got Ali hot and bothered and thinking about being dominated by her boyfriend. Ali's not sure what to do about it but she goes ahead and read the PSA book about BDSM on AfterDark and a bunch of random Tumblr pages.

It's all sounding like a wet dream.

Her boyfriend tying her up, teasing her, worshiping her, making her scream in endless pleasure. It's also all sounding completely unachievable.
One day she musters up the courage to say 'fuck it' and go for it.

Though....hang on.

Sure she's pretty convinced she's a submissive but how do she know her partner's a dominant?

Well, let me allow Ali and Jay to take it from here....

*******************

Ali dabs on the lipstick quickly, just a tint since with Jay around it never stays on too long anyway. She knows he's waiting on her downstairs and she's doing her best to ensure they leave on time, but it's hardly her fault. The dress she had planned for the party just didn't quite...look right. So now she'd reverted to her second option, a classic black dress. The one Jay always says he likes.
Buckling up her heels, she grabs her clutch and phone and she's done.

He stands, switching off the TV as she clatters down the stairs. He swings on the blazer and she lands on that bottom steps, he winds his arm around her waist causing her to gaze up at him.

"You look beautiful. But I thought you were going to wear the other dress?"
Ali feels her cheeks flood with blood, "it wasn't looking right. And you always said you liked this one better anyway."
Jay gives her an indulgent smile giving her a chaste kiss as thanks.

Pulling back, he grabs her coat, helping her into it before opening the door and locking up.


Ali gazes out the window, tapping her foot in nervousness as she tries to calm herself down. This isn't a big deal but it's a big deal for her. Her mother's 40th birthday means that a lot of her extended family and family friends are going to be coming down for the party, which means introducing Jay. Her immediate family naturally love him...now at least, so that should mean her distant family should, right? God, she hopes so. It wouldn't exactly matter to her but it would certainly make things a whole lot easier.

She's still mulling things over in her head when she feels a hand on her knee, ceasing the movement.

"Relax, it's a party, we'll have fun," states her boyfriend from across the drivers seat.
Ali shoots him a nervous look, "I don't know about that."
"Trust me, it's going to be okay. We have each other at least."
That is true.
Ali takes a sharp inhale and exhales slowly nodding to him.
Yeah it'll be fine.

She shouldn't have worried. At all.
Ali glances over to where Jay is helping her uncle set up the mic for her dad to give his speech. All night her man has been polite and courteous, helping out her elderly relatives and sticking by her side as she did the rounds. It hasn't escaped her notice either how he would ensure her glass was full and check up on her every so often.
Even from this distance, sensing her eyes on him he raises his head and meets them. His lips quirk up and he tilts his head in a way to ask 'what's up'? Ali smiles back simply shaking her head and tilting the glass up to her lips.

Yeah she's got a good one.

*******************

So that may seem like a totally irrelevant scene but I just wanted to highlight some classic, perceived dominant traits. Typically, with an alpha dominant male, he's not always going to be the loudest person in the room or have an aura of something to prove. A true alpha male is confident within himself and doesn't have a need to overcompensate for it or prove it to anyone else. Usually with Dom's they're listeners. They're good at observing and are good at generally putting someone at ease especially if they can sense the person is nervous. They're probably also the type to speak when necessary, asking the right questions that may be the true root of the problem and have incredible patience. Usually they're caretaker types, organized and have a strong sense of stability about them. Sometimes their actions may seem 'gentlemanly'.

Of course saying all that, their actions and personality may just simply be just them being them and that doesn't necessarily mean they're a sexual dominant. It's difficult to assess so be cautious when doing it.

Also note that being a dominant and being dominating are two completely different things. As some of the previous articles will tell you being a dominant is about having that drive to take care of someone while being dominating is about being above someone. Don't fall into the trap of thinking that guy who seems the most confident, is the loudest and has the most friends is always a true alpha male.

Also those traits are not always the case and like I say, you're not always going to know. Just because he insists on driving the car when you guys go together, paying for meals when you guys go out together and doing the DIY doesn't necessarily mean he's a sexual dominant.

Okay, anyway let's carry on.

Step 1 is complete- assessing the situation.

Now say you've spotted some of these traits in your own Jay (be it a boyfriend or a crush or a random person). Or you have a strong belief that he is a sexual dominant. Now you could go straight in for the kill and have 'The Chat'. Or if you're a bit chicken like me and want to test out the waters a little more you could do as we're about to see Ali do.

*******************

Ali eagerly soaks in the words across the screen at a rapidly, her heart starting to pound with each sentence and moisture slowly gathering between her legs. All too soon the chapter ends and Ali's left in a precarious position. She glances at the clock on the wall and then the door. Now Jay said the game would be finishing soon which means he will be up soon, so she could wait for him to help her take care of her...situation. Or she could just take matters into her own hands and then have him join her when he comes up.

No, decides Ali, she wants a partner for this. And maybe it's time to test things a little in their relationship in that regard too.

Jay walks into the bedroom just as Ali changes out of her usual pajamas' of a t-shirt and shorts. She has on a light blue baby doll that she knows drives Jay mad. The length being just short enough to give a peak of her ass does something wild to him and right now, Ali's craving wild. Just as she'd hoped, Jay's eyes quickly dilate, travelling slowly up the entire length of her warming each area of her he crosses.

"What have I done to deserve this then?" slowly drawls the man crossing the short distance over to her.
Despite her revved up state, she's also feeling frisky and in her current outfit, just a tad bit sassy.
"I don't know what you mean," she breezily states walking around him towards their bed, "I just thought since I hardly ever wear this, why not wear it to bed."

She's grasped by the elbow and spun around. Her chest crashing with his while his arms anchor at her hips.
"Is that right?" he muses, "why not wear it to bed indeed..."
His hand goes under the material gripping one ass cheek.
"You can wear it to bed but it's not going to stay on for very long if you do."

Ali's jaw drops, her hand lightly slapping his chest as she gasps his name. So perhaps, he's better at this game than she is but that doesn't mean she's going to not try.

"Whatever," she croaks, her resolve definitely weakened, "I'm tired anyway."
The lie is so obvious she's not even sure why she bothered. Still keeping in with the bratty façade, Ali breaks off his hold and turns. Only once again, her boyfriend pulls at her. This time he tugs her straight back so her back now meets his chest and the hardening appendage she's craving juts out against the soft flesh off her ass.
"Alright baby, you want to play it this way, fine. But I'm keeping my hands to myself until I hear a 'please' from you."

Despite her snort at his whispered statement she mentally kicks herself for starting this. No good complaining now, she's going to have to ride it out. He releases her having said his bit, letting her slide into their bed.
Rounding the furniture to his side, Jay climbs in too. He barely looks at her as he props himself against the headboard, grabs his glasses and turns to his book. Ali watches him for a few moments before squashing down her stubbornness.

He's just too sexy in those black frames.

Her fingers trail along his thighs as she scoots closer to him.
"Jay," she calls like a siren to a sailor.
He doesn't even look up from the book even when she grazes her lips over his ear.
"Ali you know the score. Say the magic word and we can quit this game," he murmurs in amusement.
The bastard.

Ali slumps back and with a pout retorts, "fine. I guess I'll just take care of it myself."
She barely sees him as he latches onto her wrist and it seems that's got his attention. He gives her a levelled look, his tone even but commanding as he states, "no you won't. That's cheating and I won't stand for you cheating in a game you started."

Ali's half tempted to see just exactly what he'd do if she did just that but maybe that's too much for tonight. Usually the patient type, she's not seen him really, really lose his cool.

"Yes Jay," she quietly nods.
Leaning into him, she nudges her lips with his as she whispers, "please."
Jay breaks into a smile, he lets go of her to slid off his glasses and set aside his literature. His hands then reach for her, coaxing her into a wet kiss.

"Alright baby," he muses tugging down on strap of the baby doll.

Ali feels him shift her, about to place her on the bottom and go for their usual missionary. Now she likes the classic position as much as the next girl however she's testing him tonight and she needs that little extra something.

"Wait, let's do something different," she suggests, "why don't you go behind and Jay?"
"Yeah."
"Go with the flow."

His eyes meet hers, narrowing slightly as he tries to assess the meaning behind those words. The teasing, the bratty behavior and finally the hesitation now is definitely a sign to him that she wants something but she's a little embarrassed to exactly say it. That paired with the position she's suggesting-the very vulnerable seeming one-he figures she's asking for some roughness. And roughness he can deliver.

*******************

Now obviously I was getting carried away there and trust me when I say I wanted to write that out a lot more. However, if I did that we'd be here forever and totally forget the point I'm trying to make. Also this is a BDSM kind of guide and I don't think they'd be too pleased with me writing a full on porno for it.

But anyway, I wanted to emphasis my earlier point in that scene above about there being traits there that your partner may be sexually dominant or be open to being a Dom. Please is a word that gets Dominants (both male and female) really going. The discipline is also a strong part of a Dom and if you're acting up, chances are a good Dom will have a zero tolerance policy for that shit.

Also what I was trying to state is that if you do have that partner you want to 'level up' with, go ahead and test the waters first. If you want a bit of hair tugging, a spank or two, maybe being held down, ask for it. Or if you think asking for it somehow takes away from the moment, be vocal. If you're moaning (and not that fake shit) because they do a certain action, then they're going to remember that you liked that later on. It's subtle but it's something easy that they can pick up on. During sex asking for him to maybe spank you or grab you or whatever, can be a good way to gauge his reaction to the act too. Does he seem excited by it? Does he then maybe do it during other times when you haven't had to then tell him?

If your answer is yes to those questions, then you have an even more solid case that your partner may be a sexual dominant. (Yay!)

That means finally....it's time for 'The Chat'. Don't be fooled, this doesn't have to be a massive Anastasia, (fucking awful) Christian Grey kind of sit down at opposite ends of a table chat. It's actually important to have more of a relaxed, open chat in a place that's a safe space. You could have 'contracts' or have a list but at the same time it's not necessary. It's a conversation that varies between persons in that relationship.

So for one last time, let me throw it back to Ali and Jay to show you how this convo could go down.

********************

Jay's attention switches from the TV to his phone. Ali places down the wine glass and snuggles up closer to him. This would be a perfect opportunity. She's already had 2 before but had chickened out. She can't chicken out a 3rd time, or it'll never happen. He's good but he's not that good. He's no mind reader.

"Hey Jay?"
"Yeah babe?" he mutters still on his phone.
She glances down at it only to see he's only scrolling through IG. Okay so nothing important.
"Can we have a talk?"

Jay's eyes dart up, his phone switching off as he blinks.
" 'A talk'?"
Him saying it like that suddenly makes her aware how it must have sounded to her.
"No, no not like that. Well...I guess something like that. I mean I guess it is kinda serious-"
Jay switches off the TV shifting to give her his full attention. Ali mirrors him, only her legs also come up as she tucks them into a more comfortable position.

"So I was thinking we could maybe switch some things up."
"Switch what things up?"
"Um...well, in the bedroom."
He does a double take at that, his shoulders straightening as his eyebrow knit together.
"What the fuck does that mean?" he spits eyes narrowed.
Right. Ali should have known guys would be a bit sensitive about that kind of things. He probably thinks he's not 'satisfying' her anymore.

"Nothing bad," she rushes to reassure him, "everything's good. It's great."
"But it's just that..."
"See I've been reading and researching a few things and I thought we could...I don't know, try it out."
Almost instantly a sly smile crosses his features which relax. His hand props along the back of the sofa grazing her shoulder.
"I'd be open to that."

Ali sucks in a deep breath, mentally stealing herself. This is going to be the hardest part now.

"I was thinking that we could try maybe some aspects of...BDSM."
Jay's confused expression returns but it's softer giving Ali the impression that he's not rejecting the idea entirely.
"Like whips and chains and shit. You want to tie me up, babe?"
This time it's Ali's turn to frown. Oh wow, was she way of the mark about him being a sexual Dominant?
"Er...I was thinking it would be the other way around. I mean we don't have to go full on Dom/Sub but it's something I'm wanting to explore and well, I'm just hoping that maybe you would too?"

Jay takes a moment of silence to mull it over before he pulls her in closer and cups her cheek.

"Babe, I don't want to hurt you."
"It's not abuse Jay. It's...well, why don't you have a look around it. I could show you some of the articles I found helpful. If you're totally against it that's cool. I would never want to pressure you into anything. I'm still going to love you and still want to be with you. I just have a feeling this is for us."

Jay slowly nods. If this is what his girl wants, then the least he can do is find out more about it. It's not like he's straight away going to be taking out the leather whip or anything. The thought of her tied up at his mercy though does certainly appeal to him and it would be a lie to say otherwise, but he just presumed that was always some kind of male instinct. He'd never considered it could be something more.

"Then the least I can do is consider it. You're my girl Ali, I'd do anything for you."
Ali feels her heart melt at that. The very core of her sighs in relief as she feels the excitement build in her. If she knows him then he's definitely going to want to slowly explore this and with that she has feeling they're going to grow even stronger.

*********************

The pace is different for everyone involved in the relationship. In this instance it's a slow gradual build up. As a first timer (either as a Dom or Sub) it's important to do your research and so going (forgive the expression) balls to the wall isn't going to necessarily work out and in fact, it could be harmful. Now if you had an experienced Dom or Sub that's been in the lifestyle for a while, that could be fine. Meeting up, having a contract, establishing boundaries, safe words and going for it. But many people start off like this. With slow increasing experimentation.

I think having an open, honest talk about sex or any other facet of your relationship you want to change is extremely important. It's easy to say but it's really not something you need to be embarrassed about and it's also important to remember your partner is not a mind reader (I hope). Things aren't going to change if you don't say something.

I also want to say I know I've been talking about all this with the assumption you're in a long term committed relationship. It absolutely doesn't have to be that way. But like a lot of things, BDSM is based on a certain level of trust. You could absolutely be interested in the lifestyle and want to try it out but not be in that sort of relationship or have that sort of partner. It would certainly make things harder but it is possible. The only caveat and warning I think I'd give, which applies to a non-BDSM scenario too, is to be extremely careful. BDSM is not abuse but a lot of abusers will use BDSM as an excuse.

With that depressing note, I think it's best I end it here. Sorry if this hasn't been super upbeat and positive. Hopefully you've got this far to the end and you (on the most part) agree with what I've been saying. As a disclaimer I want to state that I am by no means an expert so if you disagree with something that's cool, I'm not coming for your wig sis. Also if anyone wants to have a further chat about this or whatever else drop me a message.