• Due to Wattpad removing my book, "F*ck Me Sideways", I'm uploading each bonus chapter into their respective book. Enjoy •

Why was she always so fucking beautiful?

No matter what she wore, she always made me have to clench my hands to control myself. I chose to torture myself with staring at her every time - of course, I didn't have much of a choice. It was literally impossible to look away from her when she was in the room.

Sophie had that it-factor and everyone lucky enough to be in her life knew it. That's why she was respected by everyone; She owned the room, but she didn't know that she did. She was oblivious to all the guys staring at her, hoping to score her tonight; Oblivious to all the eyes that did a take of her body when she stepped up to the bar to get herself a drink; Oblivious to the guy who was in charge of mixing drinks was staring at her as well, his throat bobbing with lust as she took that first sip of her bottle.

But most of all, she was oblivious to me. Oblivious to the fact that I was making a mental list of all the guys who had ogled her as she stepped in, a list of all the guys who were gonna taste my fist if they tried anything with her. She was oblivious to how I of all the guys in the room was probably the most desperate to touch her, but showed her the least. Oblivious to the fact that I had been in love with her for years.

I was as invisible as she was blind to all the eyes on her.

Pushing the thoughts out of my head with all my will, I got myself a beer and took a large chug. The bitter sting of the alcohol teased my old addicted side and urged me with a slithery voice to drink more. More, more, more...

I put the beer down on the counter.

"Alex! Sophie-girl! You made it!" Miles made his appearance with a drunk girl hanging on his arm. He grinned at me and Soph. "How are you liking my party?"

"Well, genius here failed to mention it was your party," Soph snorted, sending an accusing glare my way. She looked so damn cute, I couldn't help but smile at her. "What does your parents have to say about all this?"

"What they don't know won't kill them," Miles deviously replied and offered Sophie a smug wink. He then flipped his eyes to the girl who was about to learn why me, Jagger and him were called the fuck-boys at our school. "Now excuse me, but I promised I'd show this beautiful girl my axolotl."

He lifted a brofist at me and automatically bumped it, but honestly, my mind was somewhere else. It always was when Sophie was standing next to me. It didn't matter, though. Miles and the girl trotted off upstairs, leaving me and Sophie alone again.

Well - as alone as one could be at a crowded party.

"Is that what he calls his thing?" Sophie now snorted at me to my surprise. "Axolotl?"

I had made the mistake of sipping my beer again when the voice inside my head had become too loud, but now it all lodged in my throat as I processed Sophie's words. I burst into a fit of laughter. "Oh, Soph, Jesus. What would I do without your average intelligence?" What would I do without you at all?

"Hey!" She snapped, her lips pursing in that sexy way I knew they only did when she was offended. "Just because I don't know what the fuck axolotl means—"

"Soph, an axolotl is an amphibian." I interrupted her, unable to hold back a small chuckle. She didn't have to defend anything around me, but she didn't know that. "It looks like a sea salamander or a fish that can walk, if you will." I elaborated for her.

"Oooh, right," She sarcasticallydrawled. "Silly me, why didn't I know that?"

"Because you're not me. I know everything."

"You don't know what my vagina looks like. OWH!" She fired back, breaking into a triumphant laugh when my smile dropped. "I just fucking owned you! Eat that, bitch!"

I got caught off-guard, I admit that. I hadn't expected her to go there, I was usually the one who did that. Hearing her go there made my mind do a swivel down fuck-lane.

"I don't know what it looks like yet, Soph," I therefore replied, taking a sip of my beer when I desperately needed some kind of control. Admittedly alcohol wasn't the best in doing that, but I didn't have a syringe at hand, so I was making due. "And I promise you, I will eat it when I do." I smirked a little when her own dropped. "Powned."

"You're such a jerk," She growled, turning away from me; It was like the sun disappeared behind the clouds and all I saw was darkness. "I don't know why we're friends."

"That could change if you want to," I replied, keeping my voice as casual as I could. In truth I was apathetically desperate inside. Please want me. Please notice me. Please. Sophie... "We could take our friendship to new heights - tonight, if you want to." I'll be your Aladdin if you'll be my princess.

I took a large fucking gulp of my beer.

"Oh please, you wouldn't stand a chance with me, even if you were for real." Soph shot back at me, brushing me off just like that.

Just like that.

"No?" I replied, looking at her. I couldn't control what I did next. My ego was hurt and my confidence was limping, but of course I didn't show that. Instead I did what the beer and my obsessed head was telling me to do and leaned down to her lips. I saw the flash of surprise blink across her face, saw her pupils dilate. Motherfucker. I was so tempted. What would she do if I kissed her? Really kissed her. Tongue. Hands. Teeth. Kissed all of her perfect body.

She was beauty.

She was grace.

She would punch me in the fucking face.

I therefore schooled my features into the mask I was so accustomed to wearing, which was why it was maybe so easy to put it on again. I lowered my voice ever so slightly, just as I opened my lame-ass mouth. "You want to see my axolotl?"

I kept up the façade as I waited for the joke to push its way through her shocked brain. It didn't. I therefore did the only thing that would save the situation; I laughed.

Soph immediately snapped and I saw the irritated roll of her eyes as I continued to laugh. From what I could tell, she hadn't caught the fact that this was all fake. My laugh. My smile. My grin. I was in pain. So much, I didn't even feel it anymore. It had become a part of my every day. This was just my life now.

"Ha-ha, very funny." Sophie finally said while I continued laughing my ass off. She rolled her eyes again.

"I'm so sorry Soph, I just had to!" I told, grasping hold of the kitchen bar to steady myself. I don't know how I was still standing. How I was still speaking. The words just came by themselves. "It was right there!"

"Whatever." She scoffed, looking irritated into the room again. "Are we going to get the show on the road or not?"

I managed to choke my fake laughter and dial my face back down into normal features again. Once accomplished, I gave her a nod. "You're right. Let's scour the talent tonight." The talent of who might pass for being you tonight. "Let the Hump-Her Games begin." I fucking hated myself.

"Right..." She said and concentratedly narrowed her eyes as she scanned the room. I let her work. I let her think this was just her keeping up her part of our 'agreement.'

But the fact of the matter was, I didn't need her help scouring out chicks I could mindlessly fuck. I could easily walk up to any girl in this room and charm her into spreading her legs. It was all too easy.

What wasn't easy though, was finding excuses to keep Sophie talking. To keep her around. To keep her near me. Without these escapades, these nights out where I could fuck someone, I'd go insane. I'd literally go crazy. Waiting for her. When she would finally see me; Finally realize how fucking in love I was with her, to the point of bordering on obsession.

Bordering?

There was a space inside my head just filled with stuff about her. Important stuff. Useless stuff. How she liked salted chips, not barbecue or sour cream. How she only wore her hair up when she had been too lazy to wash it the day before. How she had a beauty-spot in between her fourth and fifth toe on her right foot.

All of these things were my guilty pleasures to learn. I had a brain that could absorb anything I'd want it to and never forget it, but the only thing I wanted to truly keep learning about was her. I never wanted to forget her. Anything about her. She was my everything, the centre of my brain. The centre of my heart. And if I had a soul, then that too.

"How about the dark chocolate sitting on the couch by the TV?" Sophie's voice brought me out of my thoughts. I instantly focused and turned my eyes to the girl she was looking at.

She had a beautiful dark skin tone and hair I'd probably love to pull at, if it wasn't because the only head of hair I wanted caught between my fingers was currently right besides me, teasing and mocking me with its lemon sage scent.

I therefore scanned the African-American chick for an excuse not to pick her and then found it. The locket was a dead giveaway. "Recently broken up with someone. That's a no-go." She doesn't remind me enough of you.

"Oh, really? How do you know?" Sophie questioned.

I sighed deeply and then explained to her why. When I was done, she pursed her lips a little, but I could tell she was impressed with my deduction.

"How do you know it's not just a picture of a recently dead relative?" She nonetheless asked.

I smirked a little to keep up appearances, but then elaborated. "If you just lost a family member, would you besitting silently on the couch at a party or would you be at home, crying? She could be here to drink her sorrows away, but if that was the case, she wouldn't have made such an effort as to paint her fingernails."

"Alright, moving on then," She determinedly said and swerved her eyes onwards to the next target "Redhead at the turntable?"

A redhead. Sophie was blond. This girl was also too tall, and now to my observation, batting for the wrong team."Lesbian. Next."

"What?" Sophie snapped incredulously."She doesn't look gay to me?"

"She's talking to a girl who's talking to a guy. Look at how she keeps touching her instead of hitting on the guy. You're straight, Soph, tell me if that guy looks good to you."

- As soon as I said those words, I regretted them. I cursed in five different languages in my head when I saw Sophie turnher eyes to the guy.

Fuck.

Merde.

Maldito.

Verdammt.

Figlio di puttana.

Kut zooi.

Sorry, six languages.

She was eating him up with her eyes. He was a real charmer with his green goddamn eyes and shitting brown hair. Even his smile seemed fucking genuine.

- I added him to my mental list.

You're whipped.

"My point exactly," I voiced, mostly to myself when Sophie couldn't stop staring at the guy. "Hey, focus." Him she noticed, but not me.

Sophie chuckled a little, but then flipped her beautiful eyes to me; light came back into my world. "Sorry, but you pointed him out!" Last time I was ever doing that. "I'm single and I'm ready to mingle."

An involuntary snort made it past my lips and I turned my eyes away from her to hide the anger and pain. Single and ready to mingle? The fuck she was. If that was the case, then why hadn't she taken any of my offers? It wasn't like I hadn't tried. But she just flicked me off. "You're a virgin who's never masturbated. At this point you're practically a nun. Come on now, find me a challenge Soph, I'm bored."

The words came out harsher than what I had wanted, but I was angry. I was pissed. I was hurt. How come I was invisible? Why was I friend-zoned? There was like a big black blob around me, making it impossible for her to see me. She was the sun.

- The only thing that could light me up was her.

I dared a glance at Sophie again and saw that she was fuming, too. She was mad about what I had said, and I admit it had been below the belt. I felt sorry. Mostly because I respected her for it. For still keeping her V-card. But again, I was biased; I was only glad it was intact so that I could claim it. Claim her.

Jesus, I sounded like a bad werewolf drama.

I could tell Sophie wanted to say something, but she refrained from doing so. I was impressed. I never would've had the same restraints as her. Instead she swallowed what she wanted to say and took a deep breath, eyeing someone out behind me.

"Blonde in the kitchen," She said. "She's sipping bad-decision-juice and she's got French tips. As I remember you like a kitty with claws?"

I turned around and tilted my head a little to the side to get the full view. She was blonde, short, looked kind of trashy and drunk. If I narrowed my eyes and maybe chugged down my beer, I could pretend she was Sophie. The hair was a fake dyed color with a yellow hue, as was her tan, only orange. But with a vivid imagination and a gut full of alcohol, she could pass for Sophie.

- At least for tonight.

I therefore turned on my mask again and made a low wolf-whistle. "We got a winner."

I caught the eye-roll Sophie made as I continued to stare hard at the chick swaying behind the bar. Maybe if I tilted my head to the other side... "Good, does that mean I'm off the clock now?"

I nodded and felt as my façade consumed me until I was nothing but the shallow version of myself. I let it. It would all go away soon. "Yeah, yeah, you're free. Talk to you later."

"Have fun," I vaguely heard Sophie grunt as my feet carried me to the blonde girl. I didn't even pay attention to what I did. My brain worked on autopilot. It was all a routine. Walk up . Charm. Do something hot. Make a move. Pash.

It was that simple. My charm and looks worked for me. The only one they didn't work on was her. Sophie. My girl.Sophie-girl.

I couldn't remember how, but I had somehow gotten the blonde chick plastered up against me with her lips firmly against mine. She tasted like alcohol and cigarettes, a welcome taste to my addicted side. The sober part of me, however, cringed at the taste and tried to repel it as our tongues mingled. The chick moaned and rubbed herself harder against me. I let her.

My mind begun the work it always did. As my hands smoothed themselves up against the girl whose name I hadn't even gotten the hang of, my mind pictured Sophie behind my closed lids and I imagine it was her hips I was caressing. Hers were smaller, yet somehow better. I didn't buy into the whole 'bigger is better' shit guys boasted, nor did I believe in the 'small, but good'. There was no standards beliefs when it came down to it. All there was was Sophie. I believed in her.

Even if she didn't believe in me...

I worked myself harder against the girl, trailing my lips down her neck. The noises she was making were all wrong. They weren't even close to sounding like Sophie. She was too high-pitched, too purring. Sophie was more of a hard moaner, more breathier.

How I knew this? Massages.

Or as I liked to call it, self-administered torture.

Focus, I willed my brain. I tried zoning in on the chick rubbing up against me, blocking her voice at the same time. Instead I searched for Sophie's voice over all the party music and loud people. Maybe I could substitute it.

"Wow, easy, I just wanna know yo' name," Someone said. "Dayum, girl."

Automatically, my eyes lifted. He could've been talking to anyone in the room, but instinctively, I knew he was talking to her. Sophie. My girl.

While keeping my lips on the girl's neck, I locked eyes on the shit-eating dick who stood in front of Sophie, eyeing her up and down like she was a slab of meat he could slice up and eat. When his lips lifted into a sly smirk, my vision tinted red. I knew exactly what he was thinking.

Sophie snorted loudly at the dick's words and then crossed her arms. She always had been good at flipping unwanted guys off. I spoke from experience. "As much as I like receiving a two-syllable-damn, it's not happening, dude. Move it along."

"You sure about that?" The dick said and edged closer. All my muscles tensed up. "Cuz' I know somewhere we can go and get to know each other much better."

My vision turned completely black for two whole seconds. I realized I had clenched the girl in my arms uncomfortably tight, but she only purred, thinking I was enjoying the way she was biting at my ear. I didn't feel a thing. All I knew was that that dick just moved way too close to my Sophie and he had now officially secured himself a personal meeting with my fist.

"If you don't get the hell away from me, I'm breaking your nose," Sophie snapped coldly, sending him one of her murderous stares. "I got a killer right hook with a metal ring and I'm not afraid to use it."

I loved her. She could stand up for herself, she didn't need me, I knew that. Still, even now when the guy backed off and said a few words to her, I knew I had to beat the shit out of him. The tingle in my hands and the itch on my back was killing me. He had messed with the wrong girl.

My girl.

Sophie scowled after the dick as he wisely retreated, but then she surprised me by turning around and looking at me - as if she had sensed I was looking at her.

I wasn't quick enough to remove the obvious concern on my face. I didn't want to. Instead I rose my brow and hoped that my silent question was clear enough for her to decipher.

Are you OK?

It was to reassure myself. My brain. My body. He hadn't even laid a finger on her, but I still had to know. I still needed to be sure.

Sophie surprised me by sending me a big smirk, raising her bottle as if to say cheers; her way of saying she was fine.

A relieved expression slid over my face and pulled my lips upwards into a grin. She was okay. Almost in that same very moment, I remembered I was still making out with a girl.

I had almost honest-to-God forgotten that. Like I said; nothing existed when Sophie was around me. She was my everything. My whole world. My whole galaxy.

And of course, that thought triggered the pain; She was the sun in my galaxy, but in her galaxy, I was a black hole. Nothing. Dark matter. I sucked up and ruined everything that came too close to me.

- Like this girl in my arms.

When I had fucked her up and used her, I'd simultaneously broken her. I might've called her trashy, but I was what made her that. Me. Not her.

And that was why I had truly not made a real move on Sophie yet. I was going to ruin her. Fuck her up. That's what I did. Anything I touched, I corrupted it.

But here I was hoping that it might go the other way around; that she would touch me and I'd turn as bright as her. She'd heal me. She'd love me.

But who could love a player like me?

I blocked all voice and sound out of my system and let my façade consume me once again. I felt it expand, felt it wrap around me until I just didn't exist. Not even as a shallow part of myself. I was gone. I didn't feel anything. Couldn't see.

Some far away part of me got in touch with a song I had stored inside my head a long time ago. A Leonard Cohen one.

I did my best... it wasn't much.
Couldn't feel... so I tried to touch.
I told the truth I didn't come to fool you.
And even though it all went wrong,
I'll stand before the Lord of song,
With nothing on my tongue but Hallelujah.

She was my broken Hallelujah. The only reason I was still here. The only one I would pray for if I believed in a God.

I had gone too deep now. Not in words, but in myself. I was drowning. I couldn't come into contact with the world. My facade had eaten me up. I was... gone.

I knew why.

It was because she had left.

- Without her, I lost myself.

Without her, my demons found me.

And my demons... they found dickface.

• • •

Bet you probably didn't know how deep this particular scene actually was from Alexander's POV.