117. Overcome

"Why do you cry?"

Because I'm hurt.

"Why do you hurt?"

Because I've lost.

"Why do you lose?"

Because I'm weak.

"Why are you weak?"

Because I'm a disgusting, pitiful, worthless human being.

-

"Drew?" 

Rei was lost. In the pitch darkness of nothingness that was the depth of his mind, he could not find. Find himself, anything; he could not find her.

"Drew!" he raised his voice, hearing it echo through the emptiness.

He had been walking for ten minutes, he guessed. But as in the first nine minutes, he found absolutely nothing in this place.

"Drew," he called louder, "Drew, where are you?"

Where did you go?

Don't leave me here,

don't leave me alone.

Don't leave me alone, he repeated over and over, something inside him believing that his wishes would come true if he cried hard enough; if he pleaded for it long enough.

Falling to his knees, he lay his head on the ground and sobbed. 

"Drew," he begged for her, "Please, don't go."

But even he knew it was too late to cry for her name. Clutching his chest, he mourned the numb emptiness he felt in his heart. 

What little presence Drew had left inside of him-- it was all gone now.

Drew had gone. Drew was gone.

"What kind of shitty farewell was that?" his voice broke between sobs, "what stupid excuse of a reason to pass on was that?"

Being all mysterious until the end? There really should be a limit to playing cool.

"I'm you too," he could whine, but no one could hear him any more, "I was you and we were always together, we knew everything about each other,"

Rubbing away the tears, he lifted his head and just screamed.

Are you saying you don't need me any more?

-

Was it possible to fall asleep in your consciousness? 

Rei didn't know either, because he may have just been in a very foggy daze from crying too much. He was still and numb and he was just so-- tired-- of everything.

Sitting down with his legs crossed, he sighed. 

Now he was alone. Truly, alone. 

How did he cope with this loneliness before he had Drew? Surely, he had spent a number of six years without the companion of his past self. He started off without her-- and suddenly received everything that was her. It had sent him into peril that time-- those days he spent mourning, and those days he never got over-- at some point, he may have hated the fact that he remembered everything from a life that wasn't truly his.

Now that he lost everything and the last piece of what was left from those accursed memories-- it seemed he was being sent into peril again. 

It was ironic, really.

What was going on outside? Has Tsuna and Takeshi defeated Bermuda yet, or are they still a little earlier? What happening with me in reality, am I dead? Drew didn't seem convinced that I'd die-- did she see something before she joined me in this place? 

If so, am I simply in a coma? A medically-induced coma to prolong my life?

How is everyone feeling about this?

Rei was adding on to everyone's worries, he realized. Right now... there's so much going on in the story. Chrome parting from Mukuro, the final battle-- the revelation of the Curse of the Arcobaleno... surely, no one was feeling in the best of mind.

And here Rei decides to head into the climax of his lung condition?

It was questionable how he survived this long-- why hadn't he gotten a transplant earlier, anyway? Maybe Kuma and Amano were pulling some strings? Why though, that's absurd are they the secret villain mastermind and evil last boss of this story? 

Rei chuckled to himself.

I wonder if a miracle could happen.

But why? Was he wishing for his life? What would he even do if he made it out alive? Go back to school? Pursue his studies? No-- would he still be accepted as a member of the Vongola?

Rei displayed no fighting capabilities. At this point, Rei would have to learn everything again-- starting from the simple process of learning how to walk. He hadn't walked in ages, did his muscles remember how to do anything? Maybe they do a little, but did Rei himself remember?

Regardless, his reflexes were definitely gone. His flexibility, his instincts, his ability to adapt to a sudden change in situation-- those would have to be nurtured again.

That was depressing to think. Was it worth going back?

Rei laughed to himself. For some reason, he was getting all hopeful about staying alive. As if he even knew a way to survive. He didn't even know if he was alive now, at this moment-- what was he thinking about? What was he trying to hope for?

Even if he went back, he didn't have a future.

The future he saw in the Future Arc-- it was evident that was not going to come true. I mean-- what are the chances? I've been trying-- I've been trying so, so hard-- 

and the only thing Xanxus gave me was a flat-out rejection.

The Guardian of the Cloud-- why was I trying so desperately? Pride-- pride, pride was all I spouted; my smart-ass eloquence was plain bull. No... to make matters worse, I probably insulted them many times over. By claiming, forcing it on them to believe this was my 'pride', I had terribly, horribly insulted theirs.

Thinking again-- what exactly was pride? Was pride such an easy thing to have? To recognize? To stake on? To show off? To die for? To live for? To strive for?

I don't even know what pride was. 

"I hope you'll find your pride, Rei."

What the fuck was pride, anyway? Why was I trying to be a Cloud, of all things, when I didn't even know what the fuck a Cloud was?

I had a disgusting one-track mind. My field of vision was narrow, my stupidity blinded my knowledge; I wasted opportunities meaninglessly and taken away any form of advantage Drew gave me-- my magician tricks, my knowledge of the future, my connection with the void. Along with Drew, they were gone.

Why didn't I choose my moves properly?

If I die now, where will I go? To the Void-- will I be judged as a good, or judged as a bad? Will I be forced to give up on this life again? With everything I had, everything I didn't figure out, everything I couldn't know about?

I will be forced to stop thinking, just as Drew was. Stop thinking about your family, stop thinking about your dreams, your regrets, your guilt, and your unfulfilled promises. You will never get them back, so you have to suck it up and leave them behind. 

You're all alone now, but you're forced to stay conscious and aware of it, but you won't have the ability to fix anything. 

Because you're dead; and only the people alive get a say in anything.

I don't want that, he felt a tear coming, I don't want that. Drew suffered so, so much. Drew bore through everything and feared everything. She cried and she despaired and she couldn't overcome. If she hadn't met Eve in the future-- where would she be now?

Oh-- Rei remembered. There was that guy the Vindice told him about-- the guy that face through do much desperation to be freed of the sanction that was his mind, he sent himself into an endless sleep in the Vendicare Water Prison.

He was all alone.

If Rei died, would he be left alone too?

He felt himself shiver, clutching his arms for a comfort he tried to bring to himself-- he was scared. I don't want to be alone, he cried, not anymore. 

It's cold and lonely and crude and rough and harsh and everything was just raucous and bitter. He couldn't handle it. He wanted Drew with him-- no, no, no.

No, he scolded himself, Drew's passed on, Drew's happy now, Drew's-- Drew's free of her suffering, he should feel happy for her! He can't be selfish about it. 

But he trembled to think of what lay in death. His own death.

I don't wanna be alone, he may have been having a panic attack-- who knows, could he even have a panic attack in his consciousness? but he wasn't able to think firm.

I don't wanna be by myself. Not anymore, not any longer.

He didn't want to die and have to live another life trapped in regrets. He needed to-- he needed to talk. With anyone-- Dad, yes, he needed to apologize to dad for yelling at him that day. They hadn't talked since-- the future arc. 

He made a promise with Dera too-- and Tsuna and Kyoko and Ryohei and everyone else-- that he would get stronger and stop being so reckless with himself. To go to the arcade again-- that was so long ago, was it on his birthday last year?

Another magic show. He promised Haru and Kyoko-- and Nana and the kids, and Iemitsu-san-- he wanted to have a full-blown magic show, with Sae and Sui with full make up and everything, a live show in Namimori Shopping District perhaps. The people would have loved it. He came up with so many new tricks too, would he never be able to show it?

Sae and Sui-- if Rei was gone, they'd cry. Again. Even though he promised-- promised he'd always be there for them, to pick them up when they fell... that was so long ago, did they even remember that promise? Wow, I wish I could find out.

Mukuro-- in the end, they never got closer. We talked so many times in dreamland and Rei decides to be first to kick the bucket? He wished he could've seen Mukuro out of prison in the present timeline. Maybe Rei could have met Fran too; or made up with Ken and Chikusa-- they seemed like interesting fellows. Maybe M.M too, maybe Rei would have gotten along with her, who knows? 

And Chrome, Chrome. He never got a proper conversation in. He wished he had enough time to make Chrome warm up to him. Chrome was so adorable, too.

Rei bit his lip. He clenched his fist, and bit back another cry that escaped.

What about the Varia? He kinda liked Lussuria. He was really nice and everything-- Leviathan seemed like the hard type to get through, he would have been fun to mess around with. Bel? Playing around with Belphegor was always so much fun. He scared the shit out of Rei, but nothing was ever dull with Bel. Squalo and Xanxus-- ah, being apart of them would have been so cool! They're strong, admirable, and they wouldn't hesitate to be reckless and stupid.

Rei's reckless nature would have fit right in there, wouldn't he?

A dry chuckle escaped his lips. He lay down, unable to cope with the burn in his chest. He was crying really hard, but he was laughing. Was he in despair or was he in mania? Or was he just mourning meaninglessly, hopelessly entertained by his mistakes and what he would miss out on if he died right here?

Takeshi-- he just couldn't bear it now, I wanna see him, he thought, Just his face, his stupid smile, watch him play baseball, get on his back for a crazy piggyback run when we're late for school-- even if Rei never got better, Rei was content just being beside Takeshi and watching him close. Just being in close proximity was comforting.

Just giving Takeshi a hug every now and then was fine. Talking with him, laughing with him-- if possible, Rei wanted to have another race. Maybe Takeshi will finally, finally beat him in running this time. Maybe Rei could try playing baseball and face Takeshi's pitches from hell.

Sniffling, Rei covered his eyes with his arms and cried. 

His fist gripped tight at his chest, to his heart-- his eyes burned with a brokenness beyond anything he ever wanted to show anyone. His head boiled, his throat was dry and everything in him rejected his fate.

I don't want this, he thought, 

"I want to live," he cried, his words coming out in shattering bits, his voice coming out driven with emotion, riven in anguish--

"I want to live," he begged.