If only we had known ...

It is hard being a parent of a child that blames you for the break-up of your marriage, especially when that child is about to enter his teenage years. You want to have a close relationship, but he just refuses to let you in, let you get close in fear that you'll screw up his life even more. Everything exaggerated to a point he has no idea he is exaggerating at all.

It's hard being that parent. Loving your child so much that you know you must accept the blame and let him rage on at you instead of sharing footballing moments or debating which superhero is the best and why or getting heavily defeated in whatever video game which so happens to be the current most popular.

It is hard, knowing that your heart can no longer bear the strain of a false life, that empty one sided marriage had to end, life then and now filled with plastic smiles and an empty soul, when day after day you look for the light at the end of a very long and dark tunnel, believing you are close only to see, to discover, yet another long, dark and lonely tunnel.

It is hard not having love in your life and wanting it so badly that you ache deep in your heart. That your pain is etched in your eyes and no matter how hard you pretend, when you lay your head down at night you can't stop the silent tears flowing.

It is hard to be stoic, to bear it in silence, to be the clown the more distant family members believe you to be, to be strong when inside you so weak and ever so alone. We so often make a meal of things when it is actually ridiculous to do such things. If only we had known, if only I had known. There would have been other tears of course but we really should have known ... if only ... if only.

***

I met Marie around midday on New Year's Day 2000. There had been a little bit of snowfall that morning but not much. Temperatures were low and would have stayed so for the following few days and I almost slipped on some ice I hadn't taken any notice of. I had managed to grab on to some railing right next to me. Marie happened to be only a few feet away from me so she grabbed me too, ensuring that I indeed would not fall over.

Only caught sight of her face after having caught my balance, she was smiling, and her smile was infectious. I could tell she wanted to at least appear to be taking events seriously; I did after all almost fall over. Her smile though. Introductions were made as was an invitation for coffee the following day. I told her I'd definitely make it to the coffee house no matter if I manage to fall a number of times during the time between invitation and arrival and this gave reason for another smile.

Three years later we were married, and we had a son by the end of March 2004. Our son Donal, he just made everything feel complete. We had our own world, a nest of our own and a complete family. Yeah, Donal was to be our only child. When Donal was six months old, Marie went back to work. She was a legal secretary and made good money so along with what I earned too, money was never a problem, if anything we could have taken some time out to have a second child though that was never to be.

Things were great. We had good friends, plenty of babysitters so we could still have the odd night out or two. We had summer vacations every year well until 2011 anyway. Lanzarote that year, two weeks of sun, fun, adventure and taking in plenty of the tours, Donal was amazed by the fact that a volcano had erupted many moons ago and what had been left behind became a tour of its own.

Anyhow, things began to change after that holiday, and I didn't know why, not back then at least. Marie and I seemingly grew apart. Over the years we both were able to manage lunch times at home at least twice a week and if Marie got home before I did, I would be able to tell long before I got to our front door, for she would have candle burning in the front window, her moment of jest to inform me she got home first. Sometimes Donal was home for lunch time too and sometimes he wasn't.

But those lunch time get togethers soon stopped after the Lanzarote holiday and I had no idea why. It had been a great holiday, there had been no rows, well nothing unusual at least so I had not felt as if I had to make up for something I might have done.

Christmas time had always been great but Christmas that year, 2011, it was like all the fun had been sucked out of the air. Marie and I of course tried to make the best of it all for Donal's sake; he was only seven years old at the time. New Year's came without celebration for the first time. This hit me hard for no matter what, New Year's was our time for indeed we first met on a New Year's Day.

There had been no summer holiday in 2012 and this was devastating too though when September came it felt as if things couldn't get much worse, for Marie hit me with the fact she wanted to leave, just her, she didn't even want to fight for Donal. He was to stay with me, I had full custody and no answers to any of the questions I had.

Indeed, she left and there had been no contact after she did leave. No visits, no phone calls, no letters, not even for Donal. It was as if Marie had fallen off the face of the Earth and this was extremely worrying. Our mutual friends weren't around much; neither were her family so I could ask anything. It would be her mother who would eventually let us in.

By the summer of 2016 Donal was twelve years old. He had become quite inquisitive and very angry. Everything was a fight, from getting him to eat, take school seriously before the summer break, to even trying to do things together. Marie had been gone for a few years by this time and though we never fought, well hardly ever had fought when Donal had been near, he for some reason or another got it into his head that I drove her away.

Of course, I had done no such thing though try telling a twelve-year-old that. It was Christmas time 2016 when Christine, Marie's mum, turned to us in tears. Neither she nor her husband had been forthcoming before then, apparently at Marie's request. I finally found out why I had been on such a slippery slope for Marie had been on one of her own.

Not long after our return from Lanzarote Marie had been diagnosed with cancer. Our lunch times together had gone to the wayside for she would be at some appointment or another I knew nothing about. She kept it quiet and said nothing. For some reason she thought it better that she should simply just move on and indeed say nothing rather than have us watch her die.

Oh God, I loved her, I always will. We were brought in on it so late. If only we had known from the start ... if I had known from the start. We were at her side on New Year's Eve, myself, Donal and her parents and we were there when she lost her battle.

The strangest thing occurred on New Year's Day. Donal and I hadn't been home in a couple of weeks. Darkness had fallen long before we got to the house and we both burst into tears the moment we seen a lit candle burning behind the living room window.

Other than the light of the candle the house was in darkness. Both Donal and I needed a moment before going inside. In her own way, she had come home, in her own way Marie never really left ...