For Rai

The family gathered in silence, only the echoed sounds of chairs scraping the floor filled the room as they sat around the large table. The hall was almost devoid of sound, which was odd since all the children where there, but none wanting to say anything and that created a solemn silence. It is, after all, an odd time to be living within.

My brother spoke.

'Let us pray', all but myself bowed our heads as he began.

'Heavenly Father ... we thank you for the Grace you have brought to us today. We thank you for bringing us all safely under this one roof. Father we know our mother rests in your hands now, and Father I ask that you bring us the wisdom and peace to be able to go on in our lives after this great loss. ... Father, I ask that you watch over our children, comfort them and be with them as they learn to live without their beloved grandmother. And grant a forgiveness for this moment moving forwards. ... In the name of the Father and his son Jesus Christ ... Amen"

The family murmured 'Amen' and shuffled quietly in their seats. My brother sat down looking only at the table.

'Sis ...' addressing my older sister with him he consulted on almost everything having to do with the way the family was run, '... sis, so we need to work out what's going to happen next, yeah?"

My sister nodded in agreement. Two more sisters perked up their ears to listen to the conversation. They wanted to ensure they wouldn't miss out. A fourth sister sat in her own world, completely unaware of the enormity of the situation. The enormity sat deeply within me.

I turned away from her in disgust, turning then to my children.

'Son, can you see that all the boy's stuff is collected?' I asked my eldest.

My daughter sat next to him gave me a scowl.

'How come you always gotta get Scott to do your dirty work?' she hissed at me. 'You're the mother go sort it out yourself" she continued, her anger palpable. Scott turned on her instantly.

'Leave her alone, Em' he hissed back. 'This is not easy for ...'

'You always take her side' she bit at him.

'Just shut up Em, this isn't the time ...' he growled more.

My heart ached to see them fight. I remembered as children how protective Scott was of his little sister. How much they loved each other and played together. But now, because of me, they fought.

I stood from the table to collect the boy's gear. In leaving I heard Scott hiss once more.

'Now look what you've done ...'

Emma answered defensively.

'She's the mother ... she should have acted like one.'

'Hey ... stop that ... both of you. Please ... remember where you are.'

Tears welled in my eyes over them fighting. The loss of my own mother so strong in my heart, but the loss of my second daughter too ... it hurt so much. I could hear Emma building a retort and was grateful it didn't come.

I left the large hall to make my way to the smaller classrooms where the boys had left most of their gear, clothes, games, shoes. My family owned a trust, created by my mother and when she passed, we used the building not only to house the family services but for us all to come together as one.

My class was used for the grandkids, our children to bunk down. Today was the day we all went to our own homes. Today was the day we parted and when Emma left my house to live with her father ... well. It'd be for the best, especially with where I would be going. Scott will be just fine too, I'm sure of that. Toby ... well, I'm sure Scott will help there.

My husband, my former partner in crime, Darren followed me to the class.

'How are you doing Rae?' Darren always checked on me.

'I'm alright; can you pass me Toby's Nintendo?'

He passed the item to me I packed it quietly into his backpack.

'So, Emma is all set for moving in ...'

Darren talked I think just to fill the silence and to try to make light of things. Darren always said the wrong things at the wrong time. I nodded and let him talk.

'I'm looking forward to having her there. She'll be great company, but I know you'll miss her' he said sounding quite sincere.

'Yeah' was all I could answer; 'going to the loo' I tagged on and left the room quickly.

As I exited my eyes met Scott's, he could tell I was upset and blamed his dad for it. He'd seen Darren following. My eyes moved to Emma who happened on in on this moment, her look suggested 'what did you do to my dad now' before she looked past me to see her father's expression. In truth, blame is mine and mine alone.

'Rae, we need you' called my older sister. Nodding, I pointed towards the ladies.

Yep, be with you in a minute ...' I answered with a smile, a forced smile of course, something followed a put-on waddle, well the waddle came more subconsciously, in itself expressing how I actually felt. She laughed in return and waved me on, misinterpreting my waddle completely. I rushed inside and away from all others to find a moment's peace if not for anything else.

Alone and facing myself in a rather large free-standing mirror I breathed deeply, gathering myself together before moving on to wash my hands. Wash the hands, no matter how long or how often will not cleanse the soul, no matter how I would like it to. Forcing a smile to my face, even just to remember what it felt like, I breathed hard, blinked twice, and gave myself the necessary time to ready myself to face them all once more.

There were forms for me to sign and they were all done before a knock came to the front door.

'It's time' Darren said.

Little time for goodbyes, they all came though. As for forgiveness, yeah there may have even been some of that too, most surprising of which came from Em who broke into tears and squeezing me as tightly as she could. I could hear words being exchanged at the door, wasn't able to make them out but then again, I didn't need to.

Two men escourted me down the garden. I stopped halfway down and turned to get one final look, grateful to be allowed such a moment. 'Who are they?' I could hear Toby ask and the following silence hurt and would go on to hurt for some time. They've come to take me away.

Emma whispered in his ear offering answer and when I could see a tear roll down Toby's face ... well I guess that is going to hurt most of all. Into the back of a van I went, and received my shackles ... the beginning of all that is to come ...