Take Me Home Tonight // Eddie Money

Matt holds my hand as the doctor begins the ultrasound. I expected a scanner rolling over my stomach, but it's too early in the pregnancy for that. Instead she's using a wand with a condom and putting it right in there. Part of me is mortified that Matt is here for this, but mostly I'm so thankful that he's all in.

He's so all in that he did the walk of shame right up to my parents' front door and apologized for his behavior over the past few months. I was proud of him for owning up to the fact he'd let all of us down, not just me. But I was more shocked at how emotional he became when my dad hugged him. My parents knew exactly what he needed. He'd needed it for longer than just the past weeks of grief. Matt's been grieving his entire life, and no one has held him through it.

But my family has. And they will continue to support him and I as we navigate parenthood together.

"Well, we have a little peanut here," Dr. Aguilar points to the screen at a black circle with what looks like a teddy bear inside of it. "I'm measuring baby to be about ten weeks along at this point."

"Is it...moving already?" The shock in Matt's voice brings tears to my eyes.

"Little swimmer, yes."

I watch the screen as our baby's stubby little body wiggles just slightly.

"But, ten weeks? Isn't that further along than you said?" Matt looks down at me, forehead furrowed. "I thought it happened that night..."

"Ten weeks from her last cycle. We count the two weeks prior to ovulation when conception occurred." Dr. Aguilar looks up at Matt. "I know it doesn't seem to make sense, but we include the entire cycle in the length of the pregnancy."

"Oh. Yeah, okay." Matt runs a hand through his hair. His tell. He does this when he feels small or nervous. I grip his hand tighter. I don't know what the hell is happening, either. But if millions of other first-time parents can do this, so can we.

"Listen closely," the doctor says as she turns a knob. Suddenly a quick, steady rhythm sounds through the speakers. "Baby's heart sounds nice and strong."

"Oh!" I cover my mouth. I wasn't expecting anything like this. I thought it would still be kind of a blob, but I hear his or her heart. I can see our baby move. I'm already in love with this little one.

"I'll just print out a few pictures for you to gush over until your next ultrasound. Right around the mid-point of your pregnancy. That's when gender can be determined, if you plan on finding out."

I look up to Matt, who gazes back at me, love pouring out of his eyes. "We can decide later," I say. I'm still on the fence about finding out if it's a boy or a girl. Matt hasn't said one way or another.

"Yeah, we can talk about it." Matt leans down and kisses my forehead, something he's started doing all the time now. He's always been affectionate but ever since we got back together his touch has been more frequent. Little brushes of his fingers against mine, or a kiss on my cheek, an arm around my shoulder. He grabs my hand whenever I'm standing next to him. It feels like he's afraid I'm a dream and he needs reassurance that this is his reality.

"And here's your baby's first pictures. A little ham, if you ask me. Congratulations, Mom and Dad!" Matt and I marvel over the pictures. Who knew a blurry outline could make a person cry?

"Okay, we're done here." The doctor hands me some paper towels then uses a few to wrap up the wand. After letting me know I can dress and make my next appointment she pushes the ultrasound cart out the door. Matt and I are struck silent for a while as I clean up and dress. It's funny to me that he turns his back to give me privacy.

"You've seen more of me than this before. Why are you facing the wall?"

I watch him shrug while I button up my pants.

"I know. But it's a doctor's office. It feels...weird."

"Yeah, I guess so. All done so you can turn around now."

Matt immediately turns around and pulls me into a hug. "I'm so proud of you. I can't believe everything that's happening to your body. I can't believe our baby is growing inside of you. I love you, so much." Again, he kisses my head.

"How about my lips?" I tease.

"Those, too." He bends down and kisses me gently. "Let's take these pictures and show them off. That's my kid!"

I've never seen Matt smile so freely. This baby has sparked something in him that nothing else has, even me.

"Okay, little daddy. Let's go."

***

"I'm glad to see both of you here, today." Tiffany smiles as we take a seat on her couch. Matt was right. This place looks really homey. "It's nice to meet you, Hannah."

"Same."

"Tell me how things have been since you were here last, Matt."

Matt clears his throat as he puts his arm around my shoulders. "I pretty much left your office and went on a man hunt to find her. Then I told her everything. All of the things you and I talked about. Why I had pushed her away and why I needed her back."

Tiffany nods, looking down at her notepad and then over to me. "How did you interpret all of that, Hannah?"

"I knew most of it, to be honest. I was always aware of how Matt's relationship with his dad had affected him. He had been trying to carve a different path in life. And he'd been doing it. I never saw the Matt from before, the one who treated people without consideration, but I had also questioned some of his insecurities, so I knew they were in there."

"What insecurities?"

"His concern about expectations. From his friends, from his dad, from his coaches. I didn't want him to get caught up in what everyone else thought. Not anymore."

"Is that what had been driving you before, Matt?"

Matt quietly nods before speaking. "I guess so. I acted the way I thought my friends expected me to, after doing the same my whole life to please my dad."

"Did your actions please him?"

Matt shrugs, looking at the floor. "I don't know. He never said."

"That must make working through his death even more challenging."

"I'll never be able to hear him say the words. Not that he ever would have, but I had hope, you know?" Matt looks up at Tiffany. "There was always that, what if, in the back of my mind. What if this time he says it? What if this time he shows up? And now..."

No one says the words, but I feel their presence in the room regardless.

And now he never will.

"The thing is..." Matt takes a deep breath. "I've learned some things since he died that don't make sense. Not to me and I can't image they make sense to my mom."

"What things?"

"My dad would stay out of town longer than he needed to. He would leave early, stay after his shift was done and not come home for another week. My mom swears he wasn't cheating. He just didn't want to be at home with us because it wasn't relaxing."

Matt stands up. He starts pacing the room as he runs his hand through his hair.

"Being with his family was too much fucking work so he'd rather live in a freaking hotel room than be with us."

"Was being around him hard work for you?"

Matt stops pacing the second Tiffany asks the question. He sits back on the couch next to me before answering.

"Yeah. Yeah, it was a lot of work. I dreaded it. I hated every second that he was home and couldn't help him pack fast enough to leave."

Tiffany leans forward. "Do you think your dad knew how you felt, as well? Do you think he was just avoiding spending time with you or was he avoiding the strain of your relationship?"

Matt leans forward.

"Both. I don't know that he liked me very much. But I didn't like him, either, so..."

"I want to try to reframe your view, if that's okay."

Matt nods.

"Would there have been a point when you and your dad saw eye to eye if he had spent more time at home?"

Matt shakes his head but doesn't say a word.

"Would having your dad home more often fix the issues in your relationship?"

"No."

"Is it possible to look at the time he spent away from home as a gift, one with less pressure and tension, rather than an abandonment. Because, as you agreed, he wouldn't have been capable of improving his relationship with any of you. And according to you, he wouldn't have been willing to get help as a family, seek a therapist, to make things better."

"That feels like a cop out. Like a complete excuse for him being a shitty father."

"He was never going to be a different man."

"True.

"Maybe he recognized it. Maybe he did the only thing he could do."

Matt leans forward, covering his face with his hands. "Maybe."

"When you don't have any way to resolve the relationship with him, you have to do the best you can. You have to heal yourself. If reframing your family dynamic in order to move forward is what you need to do, then don't think of it as making excuses for him or giving him a free pass. It's finding the one positive thing from the situation that you can cling to in order to have peace in your life. To let go."

Matt remains leaning forward, head in his hands. I've started rubbing his back, needing to support him physically as he's working through the pain.

"Matt." Tiffany is leaning toward him now. "He wasn't the father you deserved because he wasn't willing to change. You will be the father you were meant to be because you are willing to do whatever it takes for your child. You already are."

His shoulders begin trembling, the emotion taking over. I know what he's thinking. We already read each other so well. The relief pouring out of him is almost tangible. I wrap my arms around him and pull him closer. He curls into me. I feel the warmth of his touch where our child grows, his hand finding its way under my sweatshirt.

There's a long way to go for both of us, more for Matt than myself, but we're getting there. Today is the proof.

I made it!! I have SERIOUS shoulder pain, just had an appointment with a specialist and might need surgery (yay) so typing is NOT FUN. But I'm so close to the end on this I have to pull through!

However, I have a question: is there anything you felt was missing from this chapter? More with his mom, her family, their friends??? Some of that will be in the epilogue(s) but let me know if you need some closure from this timeline before I fast forward (no clue about exactly when in the timeline those will take place, though). If I add anything, I will alert you prior to the next chapter posting so you can come back and read it.

FUN NEWS ABOUT BROKEN LULLABY: The ebook will be FREEEEEEE from October 31 to November 4, and the paperback will be on sale at a reduced price!!!! Don't miss this deal💕

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Love you guys!! Thank you so much for all your support