Everything Counts // Depeche Mode

I twist the controller in my hand, trying to get a better angle at the zombies I'm trying to kill, even though I know it does nothing to improve my aim. It feels necessary. Four, five, six zombies, dead, but the frustration hasn't left my system.

"Fucking dad." I roll my neck then stretch both sides before returning to my task. The sound effects are on full blast because I can't stand listening to his bitching. I almost don't hear the tentative knock at my door due to the volume. I can tell it's my brother. Mark knocks like he's scared I'm going to bite his head off. Mom knocks while saying, "Matt, honey?" and Dad just barges the fuck in.

"It's open," I say without taking my eyes off of the screen. Two more zombies taken out.

Mark opens then shuts the door and plops down on the gaming chair next to me. "Can I hide in here?"

"Yeah." I pause to kill a couple more. "Dad still being dad?"

Mark is silent so long that I turn to look at him. He's staring at the ground, kind of pale. My stomach turns at the sight of my kid brother like this.

"What is it?" I ask, even though I already know.

"I can't stay here alone with him, Matt." Mark's voice is really quiet. It wasn't easy for him to say, knowing that in just a few months I'm heading off to college, as far the fuck away from here as I can. My one-way ticket out of here makes it easy to forget the collateral damage. Mark.

I take a deep breath then turn back to the game, tossing a controller at my brother. "Kill some zombies with me."

I don't make him any promises. I can't. I need out of here if I'm ever going to be someone different. I'm tired of being such an asshole. Losing Amber brought things out of the darkness that I never realized were lurking there. My shitty nature has almost destroyed every friendship I have. All that's going down with Pete is evidence that I'm a bigger asshole than I even realized.

Mark starts shooting while I provide back up, the two of us getting lost in the game for a while and not saying anything. An hour goes by with nothing but the sound of exploding brains. I'm numb at this point but I have no idea how Mark is doing until he stands up and starts walking to my bedroom door.

"You good?"

"Mostly. I'm sure Dad is done by now. I'm going outside."

"Hey," I say to stop him for a second. Mark looks back at me. "I'm sorry." I don't elaborate but by the nod Mark gives me before he steps out I know he understands.

I'm sorry I'm leaving.

I'm sorry I can't take you with me.

I'm sorry our dad is such a...

I'm just so damn sorry this is our life.

But I'm ready for something else. Something different. A new start. I just wish Mark wasn't being left to pick up the pieces.

My phone buzzes for the hundredth time in the last hour. There's a party tonight and everyone wants to get me there. I haven't been in the mood for a long time. Even last time at the Lot I had just gone to shut everyone up. I used it as an excuse to bring Amber, too. And I don't even want to think about how that ended.

Although, my heart isn't nearly as wrapped up in feelings for Amber since then. I've had flashes of a hot brunette in barely-there shorts that have left me breathless, even with the memory of her temper flaring my way. That actually makes her hotter. If only Hannah wasn't Jeff's cousin, I might entertain the idea of her and I. But, I'm really in no place to mess with a girl like her. Too bad the timing sucks.

Oh yeah, and too bad the girl hates my guts.

I look down at my phone. Most of the messages are an immediate swipe left and delete. But three are from Jeff and two are from Pete in our group chat so I open them up.

Jeff: Please tell me you guys talked

Jeff: I can't play monkey in the middle anymore.

Pete: Yeah mom, we talked

Pete: All good now

Jeff: Halla-fucking-lulliah

I shake my head. Jeff is such a camp counselor. He forced Pete to show up at my door and talk things over with me. Until he confessed that he'd had a thing for Amber since freshman year, and that I had told him she wasn't good enough to be in our circle, I'd had no clue what his issue with me all year had been. But his words made absolute sense. Just more evidence to how much of a dick I am.

Thanks a lot, Dad.

Me: What time does everything kick off tonight?

I don't really want to go to this get together but getting out of the house and away from Dad's unstable attitude is worth the trouble. Jeff replies first.

Jeff: 9. I'll swing by to pick you up.

Jeff: So damn glad you worked out your shit

Yeah, me too. Hanging out at Pete's tonight would be hella-awkward if we hadn't. I reply that I'll be ready then get back to killing zombies. This is my life now. Hiding in my room or sneaking out to party. I'm far from monking it up, but it's about time that I shut down the situation with girls. I treated Amber terribly and lost a great girl because of it. I need to figure out my own shit, now. Maybe if I do, I'll be good for someone instead of just killing time messing around with whatever girl shows up in my path.

Time to man up and stop being the shit I've been. I just hope I can.

***

Jeff pulls up to Pete's house and the entire front drive, which is massive, is already filled with cars. I groan, not having the energy to be on for this many people.

"You okay?" Jeff throws the car in park and shuts off the engine. Pete blocked off a VIP parking section for us close to the door.

I shrug. "I will be. Just not looking forward to the entrance right now." Everyone will pause and greet us, looking for acknowledgment from the top predators in Fallbrook Hills. Between the two high schools, Miller and ours, the Jefferson team always comes out ahead, so we carry the title around with us.

Jeff smacks my shoulder. "Five minutes. Then we can head to the back room and chill. You good?"

"Sure." Nope. Not even a little bit. Between staying home and coming here, this was the least awful choice, but that doesn't make it a good one. "Let's get this over with."

We enter Pete's house to the exact reception I expected. I'm shoulder punched repeatedly, my butt is groped a few times and a beer is shoved into my hand, the smell permeating the room. I immediately take a gulp out of habit, then remember my last drunken escapade as the bitter liquid runs down my throat. Bad call. I'll dump it as soon as I'm out of the spotlight. Once we push our way through the masses and the music is turned back up, Jeff and I escape to the back room, Pete's hideaway.

"Why does he throw these parties just to hide in the back den?" It never crossed my mind before but now that I'm dreading this scene it makes me wonder.

"Because we have to be seen but no one wants to deal with the pawing all night." Jeff pushes through the door leading to the coveted back room. It's VIP exclusive all the way. The starting line is all present. Pete, my running back and best friend since elementary school—although that has been in question for the past five months—is sitting like a king in his dad's desk chair. The cheerleaders haven't been invited back yet, which is fine by me, so the guys are pretty relaxed. The heat will turn up as the beer flows and the inhibitions dial down. Then this room will practically be an orgy. That will be my cue to leave. I can't stomach it anymore. Just one more reason to get the hell out of this town.

"Glad you finally made it," Pete says, tipping his red cup our way. I immediately put mine down on a side table and step away, causing Pete to raise an eyebrow. I never turn down a beer.

"So, what's on the menu tonight?" Tony, one of our defensive ends, smirks and rubs his hands together. He's not talking about the barbeque. My stomach twists at the look on his face. That was me not too long ago, throwing parties and looking forward to the female entertainment. What an ass.

"The usual. Courtney will be here later with the girls. They aren't too picky now that Matt won't touch them." Pete smirks. I groan.

"Be careful. Courtney's a full-on clinger." As soon as the words are out, I wish I hadn't said them. Pete and I may have come to an understanding earlier this week, but that doesn't give me a free pass. He's been jawing with me over girls for the entire year. I doubt that will change now.

"Nah, that's just the Matt effect," Jeff intercedes for me. "She's really not that bad."

I turn to give him a look. "Did you see her at your poker night a few weeks ago? She put her hands up my shirt and practically dragged me upstairs against my will."

Pete coughs, likely covering a laugh. I throw my hands up in surrender.

"Noted. I brought it on myself. I admit my defeat."

Pete just tips his beer in my direction. Its Jeff's turn to laugh at me.

"Dude, she thought she would end up the quarterback's girlfriend. A girl like Court isn't going to give up that easily."

A girl like Court. A high school bombshell that just wants a trophy on her arm. I was too blind with lust to see it from the beginning, but I see it now. I threw away a chance at a real relationship for that.

I shake my head. Nope. Not going there tonight. Not going there anymore. The thing is, being with Amber opened my eyes. I see that the path I was on would have led me right to my old man's legacy; an angry son of a bitch that no one respects let alone loves. If I ever have a family someday, I don't want my son to hate me. I don't want my kid to be desperate to get away from me. I don't want to hate my own wife because in my eyes she can never do anything right. I don't want to mess up my kid the way my dad has messed me up.

"She's just one more reason I can't wait to get out of here. Wayford University for the win." I fist pump in mock victory. Wayford offered the second-best scholarship, Fallbrook Hills University the first. But I want out of here more than I want a full ride, so I chose the school furthest away.

"Sucks, man. Now we're rivals." Jeff also got offered a full ride to Fallbrook U. He took it, but he actually likes his family.

I shrug. "Can't be helped." I lean back on the small couch in the den. Pete is distracted by some of the other guys and Jeff is sitting right next to me. I shouldn't say what I say next to anyone, but lately Jeff has been the guy I make my confessions to. "Mark doesn't want me to go, either." I say the words quietly. Jeff doesn't know the full extent of my homelife, but he does know that things aren't good.

"Gotta take care of family." Jeff's tone is hopeful, like he thinks I might change schools over this. "Mark needs you around, right?"

"I can't be that for him. I need out, man. I'm gonna lose my shit if I stay."

"Your old man giving you a hard time?"

"Not just me."

"And that's why you should reconsider." Jeff leans a little closer. "Look, you can live in a dorm. Your dad is gone a lot, right? You won't see him. Courtney is a junior so she's not going to be in your face once you graduate. No one else from school is headed to Fallbrook. Come with me, man."

I take a deep breath. There is some logic to what he's saying. And being there for Mark without actually having to be at home would be better than being halfway across the country if he needs me. Not seeing Courtney is a plus, but is it enough to keep me in this town?

Jeff leans in a little closer. "Hannah got a scholarship, too."

I have to work hard to temper my response. Keep it casual. "Oh? For what?"

Jeff smirks. He knows he got me, the bastard. "Soccer."

An athlete. Makes sense based on the body that she had on display. I swallow the desire that the memory stirs.

"That's cool for her. Not gonna get me to change my mind, though."

Jeff leans back. "Hmm." He doesn't say anything else.

The rest of the night goes as expected. Beer cups litter the house. The cheerleaders score an invite to the sacred back room. Then they score some guys. I avoid the entire scene and surprisingly so does Jeff. Although he's never been that big on hooking up. There's a reason his nickname is camp counselor.

"Ready to call it?" he asks just after midnight.

I don't want to go home, but I definitely don't want to be here anymore.

"Yeah. I'm done."

Truer words have never been spoken.

Matt is not so immune to Hannah, is he? And Jeff is no dummy. But he's not quite ready to let Matt off the hook.

Okay, I know some of this may have been vague, but in MTT there is a chapter with Matt and Pete where Pete lays everything out on the lines. I refer to that in this one without replaying the entire scene, but is it too vague? If you were lost, PLEASE LET ME KNOW. I was thinking of adding a flashback to their conversation but didn't want it to be too much...

And, Depeche Mode for the WIN!! Of course, we used to call it "Depressed Mode" so I guess that fits Matt's mood at this point. Things will start to look up soon enough!

https://youtu.be/1t-gK-9EIq4

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