Oh L'amore // Erasure

Mark sits next to me on one side of the couch, Sawyer on the other. We've had Marvel movies playing all morning, the third one about to end. Mark hasn't said much. He seems focused on the movie, so I leave him alone.

"Sawyer, do you need a break?" She's started fidgeting with her amber necklace, something she does when she's overstimulated. She only joined us for this third movie, Wonder Woman, because it's her favorite.

Sawyer nods her head. I tell Mark I'm going to take my sister to the other room, and I'll be right back. Mark also nods, still not speaking. I'm worried about him.

"Hey, girls. How was the movie?" My mom is waiting in the kitchen for Sawyer, knowing she'd be ready for a snack. She rubs Sawyers back then hands her a plate of apple slices.

"Adventurous as always. I'm going to see what Mark wants to do next. I feel bad just watching movies all day. He could have done that at home."

"It's the company that makes a difference. Being alone is tough. The mind wanders too easily." Mom gives me a wry smile. "How is he doing today?"

"Quiet. I don't want to ask too many questions, but I wonder if I should try to get him to talk a little. It can't be good to stuff all of that inside, can it?"

Mom agrees. "See if he's willing to talk, but if not let him know you're here for him when or if he's ready. He might need to talk with Matt. The two of them are dealing with similar emotions."

"Maybe. I'll feel him out." I head back to Mark, not saying anything about my doubts regarding Matt. I don't think he's in the right headspace to be there for Mark right now. At least, not the way his brother will really need.

I find Mark still on the couch scrolling through the movie library.

"Is there something else you'd like to do? Play a game or something? We could go get some food if you're hungry."

Mark shrugs. "I don't know."

I sit down next to him and watch him continue to scroll through the list. I'm not sure I can get him to talk even if he should. Just to let it all out. But I have to try.

"How was yesterday?" I watch as Mark winces in response to my question. "That bad?"

"Pretty much. I mean, how crappy is it that the only family thing we've done in years is to plan my dad's funeral?" He doesn't make eye contact as he talks, still scrolling through the list. I think this is his third pass.

"I'm really sorry."

"Yeah."

"How's your mom doing?" I've texted with her a few times but that doesn't tell me much.

"Real confused. The other day we were talking with some guy who's going to run the funeral service, like speak about my dad or whatever. We don't even know the guy so I can't figure out what he'll say. Mom couldn't make any decisions. She just kept saying 'I don't know.'" Mark takes a deep breath, a look on his face that tells me there's more.

"What happened?"

"Matt kind of lost it on her. He said no one had any time for her to zone out and she needed to hurry up and choose. At least he waited until the guy left. He learned one thing from my dad, I guess." Mark shrugs again and it might be the saddest thing I've ever seen. Now I understand why Matt is retreating.

Mark finally settles on Spider Man and gets it started. I excuse myself for a second to text Kyra for back up.

Me: Hey, can you come over?

Me: Mark's here and we could use the company

She responds immediately. Which is a good sign. She must be bored, otherwise I'd be waiting.

Kyra: Oh thank goodness. Jeff is driving me nuts. I'll be right there.

Me: Bring Jeff! I haven't seen him forever and I think Mark could use a guy around. Maybe they could go out back and toss the ball.

Kyra: Ugh! Why? He's so grumpy I can't even.

Me: you totally can

Kyra: easy for you to say. You don't have a brother

Me: true but I do have a grumpy best cousin

Kyra: am not!

Me: are too

Kyra: I'm not grumpy!!!!!!

Me:...

Kyra: fine. I can be grumpy. I'll see if I can drag his butt over.

Me: perfect. Thanks. See ya soon

Kyra: whatever

I hop back into the room to let Mark know we'll have guests. I just hope our company is enough for him right now.

***

As soon as Jeff and Kyra showed up, the four of us went to the backyard. Like I hoped, Jeff started throwing the football with Mark while Kyra and I made lunch. We sat around the patio eating and talking football with Jeff. I found my mind wandering to Matt more often than I could control, however. Nothing seems to get my mind off the worry.

"Remember the second home game of the season?" Mark asks Jeff. "Fallbrook played against Northwest. Matt got sacked." Mark shakes his head. "Then coach pulled him out."

Jeff sits back in his chair. "Yeah, hard to forget that game." His eyes seem glassy with emotion. Jeff is an even-tempered guy. I'm surprised to see this reaction to a game.

"What was with that guy on the other team? I had binoculars so I could see the way he went after Fallbrook. Like a demon." Mark laughs.

Jeff doesn't.

"Well..." Jeff rubs the back of his neck and looks away. "It kind of felt that way, to be honest. He had a grudge."

"'Bout what?" Mark is wrapped up in the story which I'm happy about. It's the first sign of life he's shown all day.

Jeff takes a deep breath then releases it slowly. "Long story. Not really mine to tell, actually." He gets up and walks into the house. I excuse myself and follow after him.

"Hey." I catch Jeff in the hallway outside of the bathroom. "Are you okay?"

Jeff leans against the wall, shoving his hands into his pockets. "I'm fine."

I watch him silently for a few seconds. "Nope. You are not fine. And Matt is off the rails at this point. What the hell is going on? Something was off way before his dad died anyway. Are you two having problems?"

Jeff rubs his hands over his face. "No. No, there's nothing between he and I. I just...I can't talk to him about this, so I guess it's created a distance. I don't know."

"Can't talk to him about what, his dad dropping dead of a heart attack? Or the fact that he has so many unresolved issues with the man and now has no way to get any closure? This is tearing him up, Jeff. He needs you."

Jeff leans closer to me, face right up to mine. His voice is a threaded whisper when he speaks. "I can't talk to him about anything. I'm fucking losing it, okay? You're right. I'm not fine. I'm anything but fine. I can't help him right now because I can't even help myself."

What the hell? "What is going on?" My stomach feels full of rocks. The sensation leaves me a little sick, not surprisingly.

When Jeff leans away from me, I know he's not going to tell me, but I'm not letting him off the hook that easily. I lean into him this time. Now it's my voice threaded with quiet frustration.

"He needs you. Do not be a selfish prick and abandon him right now, the worst possible time of his life. He won't let me in. I feel the wall going up. But he has history with you. You know him, Jeff. You know what he struggles with. You know how he's been." My voice starts to break. I'm breaking. For Matt, for his family. For us. I don't want us to break but I'm so scared I won't be strong enough to keep us together after this.

Jeff's eyes go wide. "Is he cheating on you? Is he drinking again?"

I hold back my sob. Two of my biggest fears when it comes to Matt and the first thing that came to Jeff's mind.

"No. No, I don't think he's that far gone. But he's lost. He's struggling and he's trying to play it off. Please. Please talk to him. Be there for him. If he could, he would do the same for you. You know he would."

Jeff nods. "He's tried. I pushed him off. Then this..."

I start to cry. Jeff pulls me to him, wrapping me in an embrace that I've needed so freaking much. But it's Matt's arms that I need around me. Not my cousin's.

"I'll talk to him. I promise. I'm sorry, Hannah. I'm so sorry. I'm a selfish bastard right now, and I'll do better."

I nod into him, not able to say anything. Hearing Jeff's promise does bring some relief. But not enough. Not yet.

"I should get back to Mark and Kyra. I don't think Mark cares about the make-up tutorials I'm sure she's watching...or worse, trying to make him watch."

Jeff releases me from his hold. "I'll be right back out. Give me five minutes. I'll text Matt, too."

I return to find Mark and Kyra giggling over something on her phone. At least he's being distracted from his reality. I wish I could say the same.

When Jeff steps back outside and slides into his seat, he shoots me a look. He must have texted Matt. I raise my brow in silent question. Jeff shakes his head no. Matt must not have responded. The hope I was holding onto evaporates. I don't know what else to do except to be there for Matt when he does reach out.

I have to believe he will.

We spend the afternoon tossing the football around, even Kyra participates, and snacking on junk food. Just before dinner I take Mark back to his house, hoping against all hope that Matt is home and we can talk. Or just sit together. Anything.

I'm struck with deep disappointment when Matt's car is gone.

Mark charges in the front door ahead of me. "I'm home, Ma!" he shouts as he barrels down the hallway and to Matt's room, I assume to play on Matt's gaming system. We'd already said our goodbyes in the car, so I don't feel slighted.

Shelly steps into the entryway, her hands wrapped up in a dishtowel. "Thank you so much for getting Mark out of the house. He didn't need to be dragged to the funeral home today."

I shrug. "Anytime. Let me know if he needs another break. I think he had a good time with Jeff."

"Oh? That's good to hear. Hopefully Matt can get together with him as well. This is weighing on him so much." Shelly shakes her head and looks away.

The sinking feeling in my stomach is back. "How is he doing?"

Shelly looks at me with tired eyes. Bone weary, that's the phrase that pops into my head. She looks like she's been through a war. I guess in some ways, she has.

"As good as can be expected, I suppose. Today was rough. I'm...having trouble focusing. Thinking clearly. Matt is frustrated with me."

I don't hesitate. My arms are around her before I can question what I'm doing. "Of course, you're struggling. I can't even imagine." I really can't. I've wondered how I would handle losing someone like a spouse. Death is final, something I haven't had to face in my life, not in the way that Shelly is facing it now. Not the way that Matt is.

Shelly hugs me, but I can tell she's surprised. I step back to give her space.

"Well, thank you again. I'll tell Matt you stopped by when he gets back."

I nod. "Where did he go?"

"He didn't say. Just that he needed to leave for a while."

I don't want to jump to conclusions. I don't want to think the worst of him. But Matt isn't making things easy by cutting off all communication. I'll give him space, but eventually I'm going to have to force him to face me.

I really hope it doesn't come to that.

I'm late!! You may know I'm on a 3 week road trip with the fam and it's messed with my connectivity and my sense of time...ugh. I'm hoping to be able to actually finish writing this story while on this trip. Send good writing thoughts my way!

Are you ok? Am I messing with your emotions too much? I think this plot is my trickiest so far but we'll see. It keeps evolving as I'm writing so even I'm not sure where it's headed exactly.

Once again, thanks for the love on inevitable, which is now surpassing half a million reads!! All good things are happening! And how about music to celebrate? Erasure was a high school favorite of mine and this song brings me back. It's got an upbeat sound but the words are sad. Reminds me of Hannah right now.

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Don't forget to stalk me elsewhere, including tik tok now. But don't expect much, I'm terrible at them.