When I was still fabulous, cool, fashion forward and had a social life, I found myself at an uber-trendy Hip-Hop party. They had a live act that night; two dancers came out onto the stage and squared off in a kind of ‘dance- off’. One would jump in with an amazing, complex and highly elaborate routine, the other would then have to mimic it and then add to it. And so it went, until the crowd was screaming and clapping as the dancers bent, and jumped and back- flipped their way around each other in a battle of almighty proportions- to prove who was the best.

Looking at T squared's faces popping out of the palm tree- I was reminded of those dancers. They had just waged full-blown war on us. This was an invitation to join the battle.

“Hi.” I waved at them. I was starting to get the distinct impression that perhaps they were both psychotic, bordering on the edge of being lunatics.

Chris hissed at me, “You’ve got to be kidding right?” And then turned to them with his million-dollar smile, “Hi guys, so nice to see you. What a coincidence.”

They both smiled in unison and then Trev uttered the unthinkable.

“Do you want to join us for some roof top drinks?’ Bright, white dental advert smile again.

Pause.

Lets take a moment here please people…

They- cheating, heart breaking boyfriend, and gorgeous slutty mistress- were asking us to have drinks with them. As if there was nothing wrong. As if nothing had ever transpired between us. Long lost friends, buddies, pals. I take back that “bordering” part; these two were certifiable.

And the only reason Trev was asking us for drinks, was so he could take center stage in his one-man show entitled, “My wonderful, super-awesome life.” I’m sure all he wanted to do was tell us about his new sports car, his successful new firm, his amazing sex life, his blessed joys. #happiness #blessed #lifeisgreat #love #mylifeiswaybetterthatyourlifesoyoubetterbegreenwithenvy

p.s I’m a prick.

“Um…”

Chris stepped forward, “Absolutely!”

“What?” I shot him sharp dagger eyes.  “Absolutely not. We can’t. We were just about to…to…” I couldn’t think of one thing that sounded like a good enough excuse to get out of drinks. “Talk about and plan our wedding. We still need to decide on the flowers you know.”

Tess nodded understandingly, “I get it. It’s just so hard to know what flowers to go with. I was torn between red roses- because they're so classic and elegant- like we are, and then orchids, because they are so exotic and open like our love is.”

*BARF*

“Mmmm,” I said. “Such a hard one.”

Trev and Tess nodded and their heads finally disappeared behind the leaves. I swung around and glared at Chris, “Why the hell did you say yes.” I demanded.

“He shrugged, “I thought it would be funny. And weird. We could have come back with enough fodder to mock them for the next year!”

“Hey” I stepped forward assertively, “This is not character research for one of your movies. Or some fun, entertaining storyline. This is real life. My life.”

“You’re right.” Chris said, “I’m sorry, it would have been horrible to put you in such an awkwa---“

HAHAHAHAH!

 POP!

Raucous laughter pieced the air.

 And then the loud pop of a champagne bottle.

And then a thud, as the cork- which had no doubt been intentionally aimed in our direction- flew onto our deck and bounced a few times, before falling into the pool with a tiny splash.

We stared at it. This foreign body, bobbing  up and down in our pool.  And then……

 WAHAHAH!

 CLING!

“CHEERS”

It was loud.

 Too loud.

They were doing it deliberately. Trying to smear their merriment in our faces.

“Oh my God, they’re not?” Chris walked over to the balcony and peered through a crack in the palms, I joined him to see Trev and Tess toasting and drinking Champagne as if they were in one of those glamorous alcohol adverts.

“We cannot let them get away with this,” Chris said running inside and returning with two bottles of Champagne, “Ok on the count of 2 I will pop this one, and on the count of 3, you pop the other one.” He handed me the bottle and readied himself.

This was ludicrous. “No, I’m not going to do that. I refuse to be pulled into this game of theirs!” But then…

 “Hello, is this room service? “ It was Trev “Please can you bring me a bottle of  Henri Jayer Richebourg Grand Cru, Cote de Nuits (yes, that is actually a wine, a very expensive one) and your platter of Lobster and Oysters.”

I looked at Chris, “Okay on 1, 2… Chris popped his bottle, and 3… I popped mine.” The corks flew in different directions and champagne gushed and bubbled out of the bottles. And then we burst out laughing. Not fake, forced laughter like T squared, but that genuine laughter that rises up from the pit of your stomach and reverberates through your entire body.

 “If I had a helicopter right now,” Chris said, “I would take off from this roof and wave down at them as if they were mere peasants, OR if I was a big mafia boss who kept a suitcase of cash in his trunk, I would throw it in the air and let it shower down on them. Then I would set the rest on fire while swimming in my diamond encrusted pool of Cristal.”

We laughed, louder than Trev and Tess- which I imagine must have really pissed them off. But when the pain in our stomachs and cheeks became too much to bear, we collapsed into the big comfortable day bed. We were still holding the bottles of Champagne and I had no idea what to do with mine, I’d never liked the stuff. Bitter, sour.

“I hate Champagne,” Chris said plonking his bottle down on the floor next to him.

I smiled, “Me too.”

“It’s so bitter.”

“And sour” I added.

“Like cats pee.” Chris inevitably took it a step further.

“Well, I would go that far.”

We were seated about a foot or so away from each other, and I could actually feel the heat coming off his body. It became so intense that at some stage, it was all I could feel. The space between us seemed to buzz and crackle with some kind of electrical charge. It prickled my skin and made the hairs on the back of my neck stand to military attention-

“Wow!” I sat forward.

“Wow what?”

“Oh shit. Did I say that out loud?” I had. Hopefully he had no idea what it was in reference to. It could be easily be interpreted as “wow amazing weather” or “wow, interesting night.”

But then Chris said it back, “Wow!” And he said it with such hushed intensity, that I knew that he knew what I had been saying wow to. And I suspected that he’d felt it too.

We let the implications of the ‘wow’ wash over us. Something strange was happening. Something that I couldn’t quite explain-

SPLISH. SPLASH. GIGGLE. GIGGLE.

I was immensely grateful when Trev and Tess’s loud water splashing shattered the moment that was starting to make my skin crawl. The two were clearly frolicking in their plunge pool and I was about to suggest we get in too, and splash even louder when I started to hear some very familiar noises.

They were not?!?!?

Tess giggled breathily.

Trev moaned slightly.

I turned and looked at Chris. He raised his eyebrows, “You're kidding?”

I shook my head. “I think they are!’

“No, they wouldn’t.” He sounded adamant, “Surely not?”

“Well it hasn’t stopped them in the past.”

“Ooohhh” Giggle, giggle giggle. “Trev” Whisper, whisper, whisper.

SPLASH, RIPPLE, SPLASH.

 I felt positively nauseas.

My stomach churned and lurched as I imagined the two of them in the pool. I no longer felt the same way about Trev as I did a year ago, but this was bringing back a barrage of painful feelings. I felt slightly dizzy and uneasy on my feet as my head swam with the memories and images from that fateful day.

I felt a hand on my shoulder, “Come, let’s go watch a movie.”

We walked downstairs and sat on the couch in total silence. And although he said nothing, his presence felt reassuring. Other than my sister I hadn’t really, truthfully, opened up about the implications of that event to anyone. It had all been- still is I guess- too painful, on so many levels.

“If it’s any conciliation, I hate them.” Chris said while cracking open a bag of chips and crunching one loudly for added effect.

“But you think she’s the most gorgeous thing you’ve ever seen.” I couldn’t believe I’d actually said that out loud. It sounded so childish and shallow, but the fact that she was so gorgeous, had definitely hurt me. I would be lying if I said it hadn’t been a blow to my ego.

“I felt like the ugly duckling being kicked out of the nest for the swan.” My voice was quaking when I spoke again.

“Jesus!” The volume and firmness in his voice surprised me and I looked up, “You’re mad.”

“You can’t deny it Chris. She’s smoking hot. She’s basically sex on legs. Any man would let her clamp his nipples, just to be near her!”

“I’ll admit that when you first see her, she’s pretty hot, but she’s also the most irritating person I’ve ever met,” He jumped up off the couch and started doing a Tess impersonation in a high pitched squeaky voice, “Oooh, the flowers are like our blooming love, my ring is so shinny and sparkly, giggle giggle, oh Trevy you’re the best!”

He paused to see my reaction, “Trust me. All her hotness fades away the second you spend more than a minute in her company. Besides…” His voice softened slightly, “Besides, you’re beautiful.’

Wowza.

My body temperature rose by a hundred degrees.

And then he added to it- which he really didn’t need to do.

 “I mean it, despite that whole zebra thing you got happening on your face, you’re really very…” A little pause. A beat. A moment filled with anticipation. “You’re one hot bitch Annie Anne.”